man down...

way back in august 2011, i found myself with a pink ribbon wrapped around my wrist.  it is a wishing bracelet from brazil.  the premise behind the wishing bracelet is, you make three wishes for each of three knots tied and when the ribbon falls off your wishes will come true.  the key component to this is the ribbon has to fall off, you may not remove it, it has to slowly deteriorate on your wrist.

my bracelet and i have been on a two and half year journey.  we have celebrated holidays, been on dates, given blood, made memories, and now that our journey has ended i have absolutely no idea what i wished for.  you would think i could remember one of the three wishes, but i really have no clue.  for all i know my wishes could have already come true.



 

november 21, 2011, this is a few months after getting my bracelet and it is starting to fray.

 

 

april 6, 2012, as you can see it is starting to cord, my efforts to keep it flat were futile.

 

 

june 11, 2012, my bracelet was always fashionable.

 

 

october 10, 2012, we gave blood.

 january 8, 2013 we brought in the new year.

 

december 1, 2013, man down.

 

i am going to miss my bracelet.  i have gotten used to it being on my arm, adjusting it when it's caught up in other bracelets, scrubbing it clean every morning (i was afraid of it smelling), and having to explain why i have a ratty pink string tied to my wrist.  it's been a good journey.  i hope my wishes, that i can't remember, come true. 

i ditched him...

 

 



the other morning i was listening to a segment, second date update, on my morning radio program.  sometimes the stories on there are totally nutso.  for those who are in committed relationships, thank your lucky stars.  the process of dating can roughly be translated into accidentally finding yourself committed to a psychiatric ward.  at this stage in the game we all come with hefty bags and a set of ideals that are hard to alter.  anyway, there was something the host said "can i lose them at the next exit?" that reminded of a date i had gone on a few years ago.

i don't even remember where i met this person, but i know it wasn't through an online service.  i have a vague recollection that i was in snohomish when i met this gentleman.  i don't even remember his name.  man that is sad.  somehow a couple of weeks later i ended up at dinner with this man.

we went to buca di beppos, an italian joint.  i love pasta and bread, so this was a good pick for me.  from what i remember things went pretty well, but i just wasn't into him.  i'm not sure what it was about him, but i knew that this was a one time thing for me.  as we were wrapping up dinner he started asking if i wanted to continue the date and go do something else.

i distinctly remember telling him no thank you.  i had absolutely no interest in going anywhere with him, getting a drink with him, or seeing him anymore.  he kept pressing the issue.  i continued to say no.  his tactic changed from asking nicely but repeatedly to making me feel bad because i wasn't interested.  just an fyi fellas, this tactic doesn't work at all. 

anyway, as we were leaving i gave him a customary hug and thanked him for his time.  he again insisted that i follow him to some bar for a drink and a round of darts.  although i had no intention of honoring his plea, i said, "sure lead the way."  i know.  i know.  one should never agree when they know they aren't going to follow through, but there wasn't any other way to get out of there.  he wasn't taking no for an answer. 

so he got in his car, i got in my car and our caravan of two motored down the freeway.  i followed at a respectable distance, but didn't dare pass him, thinking he would then follow me.  as we were approaching the exit, that i knew he was going to take and i wasn't, my stomach started to protest.  i knew what i was about to do was really crummy, but i had tried to tell the guy.

i watched his car turn off the freeway

his taillights fading into the night. 

my phone started ringing almost immediately after i passed the exit.  i didn't answer it.  i had nothing to say to him.  i had already told him, he didn't hear what i was saying and i ditched him. i didn't feel good about it, my stomach was still protesting, but really. so i did what every girl does, i called my best friend. 

she knew i was out on a date.  i generally followed up with her on how things went, or text her something during whether it was a thumbs up or down.  she answered asking "how did it go?"  i answered "i ditched him."  after explaining we broke out in laughter.  another one in the NO column.

i did follow up with him the next day, apologizing for not showing up and that i wasn't interested in seeing him again and that was the end of it. 

this is the one and only time i have ever done this.  i wouldn't recommend this as your go to exit strategy, but in some situations it is the only way.  

magic car...

 

 

any harry potter fans out there?  remember back to 2001, when we first laid eyes on Professor Albus Dumbledore?  who was this strangely dressed man with the long white beard stealing the light from the streetlamps?  the opening sequence, to the first installment of the harry potter movies, filled me intrigue and wonder.  confession: i never finished reading the series, nor did i watch any of the movies past number three or four, but i remember the first one vividly.

 

the other night my son, ash, and i were driving south down the main drag in our town, state street.  it was dark and kind of foggy.  in essence you could say it was perfectly spooky for this time of year.

 

our adventure started on 116th street.  this is a main intersection on state street.  it has a stop light with a large shopping center on the northwest corner, a gas station with a car wash on the northeast corner, a closed down, boarded up grocery store on the southeast corner and a hokey looking computer recycle place that sometimes peddles flags and blankets (not at the same time) on the southwest corner.  now that you have the lay of land let's get on with the story.

 

as i was saying, ash and i were traveling south down state street.  there are streetlights that line the west side of the road, all the way to the other end of town.  we drive under the first streetlight and it goes out.  now, i have a sunroof in my 4Runner, and i noticed that all of the sudden the brightness above my head was gone.  i looked up, yes pulling my eyes from the road, and saw just the sky.

 

we travel a few more feet down the road and just as i pass under the next streetlight, it goes out.  again the brightness above me disappears.  i look up again and see just the sky.  at this moment i look down the road.  all the streetlights on the west side of the road are lit ahead of me.  i look in my rear view mirror and it is dark behind me, no light from the streetlights.

 

we travel a few more feet down the road, approaching the next streetlight.  at this time i am watching the light and not the road.  it seems strange to me that the last two lights have darkened just as i pass underneath them and i want to watch this light.  just as the two lights prior, this third goes out as i drive underneath.  that is three streetlights.

 

i ask ash, "hey ash, watch the streetlights tell me what you see." 

 

we are still maintaining the same speed and still traveling south down state street and quickly approaching the next light.  it is lit up, shining like a beacon in the night, spreading its glow on the ground below.  just as we pass underneath it, yep you guessed it, the light goes out. 

 

ash says, "hey, the light went out." 

 

i say to him, "that is the fourth light to go out when i drive underneath it.  look behind us."  he looks, there are no lights behind us.  the only light we can see is the intersection stop lights that we traveled through, which is continuing to fade into the night, otherwise it is dark.

 

now we are both watching the lights.  the lights are still lit up as far ahead as we can see, and none of the lights we have passed under have come back on.  we come to the next light and it turns off.  

 

ash says, "we have a magic car!" 

 

he is totally thrilled with our 1996 magical 4Runner.  i, on the other hand, am kind of creeped out. what in the world is going on?  i have turned off the radio, for some reason my thinking says, "stay on your toes, heather".  i keep looking all around waiting for something, i have no idea what, but something to happen, but there isn't anything out there.  just a perfectly spooky night. the lights behind us still haven't come on and the lights ahead of us are still lit. 

 

our entire adventure started at 116th street and ended at 100th street, when we took a left and headed home.  for those 16 blocks, every light we drove under turned off, leaving the road behind us black.  we never saw Dumbledore.  we never figured out what was going on.  we just watched in amazement as the lights blinked off as we drove under.   

 

 

 

 

rim job...

several months ago there was a runner in arizona who was caught on film pooping in someone's yard.  according to the news story, a fed up homeowner caught the repeat offender on a hidden camera.  instead of going to the police, the homeowner sent it to the local news station.  sometimes public shaming is in order to get your point across.

over the summer i started running a lot.  i still loathe the actual process of running, you know the one foot in front of the other business, but i have gotten much better at it which makes it tolerable.  to be completely honest it isn't as bad as it used to be.  i don't get as tired, my legs don't hurt as much, my lungs don't feel like they are going to explode anymore, my breathing is way better and my rear doesn't jiggle as much as it used to.  all bonuses in my book. 

i have never had the urge to drop trow and crap in someone's yard, but after my experience yesterday i might choose an outside venue from now on. 

there are two port-a-johns at the trail head where i run.  after my run yesterday, i told my running partner "i'm going to use the potty."  he said, "okay, i'll meet you at the truck."  before we go any further let's chat a bit about these portable toilets.  you are stuck inside a plastic coffin of human excrement.  they smell terrible.  they are never clean.  there is no way to wash your hands.  it's a super small space that lends itself to mistakes.  in a nutshell they are ultra gross!

so i go into the john.  barely touch the handle to lock the door.  lift the lid to expose the heaping pile of crap, paper, liquid and the cloud of fumes that probably could've lifted the lid by itself.  one of the top 5 rules to using a port-a-john is you don't ever sit on a port-a-john seat EVER, you only hover regardless of what kind of business you are adding to the pile. i pulled down my pants as quickly as i could and did my business.

here is where something went terribly wrong.  it wasn't splash back, although that has happened to me.  i didn't even accidentally sit down.  there was toilet paper, which i had grabbed enough to wipe 35 butts just to be on the safe side.  but my luck was about to change.

i reached around to the right.  now, your hand has to pass the seat, graze the rim and dip into the bowl just a bit in order to get around one's hip and behind your bum.  as my hand dipped in i felt something touch me...

have you ever played operation?  wiping your ass in a port-a-john is very similar to playing this popular kids game.  although there are no sound affects, if you accidentally touch the rim you might just get more than you bargained for.

...for some reason my right hand was damp.  not wet like water wet, but cold and damp.  in what felt like slow motion i pulled my hand back into my line of vision.  right there on my hand, the cause of the damp, was crap!  not my crap...someone else's crap! 

now it's gross enough when you accidentally get your own crap on your hand.  you know this has happened at some point in your life.  you don't use enough toilet paper.  you are somewhere with that ridiculous one ply toilet paper and even when you use 12 sheets it still soaks through.  someway, somehow you've done this.  now just imagine you have someone else's crap, a complete stranger's crap, you've never set eyes on this person's crap...on...your...hand!

what happened after can only be described as some sort of attack.  i completely freaked out inside of my plastic coffin of human excrement.  i started dry heaving making this horrible barfing sound intermixed with "oh shit! oh shit! oh shit!"  somehow i got my drawers pulled back up, with my completely useless left hand, all the while holding my right hand as far away from me as i could. 

i washed my hand in a stagnant pond of green.  it was the only water source.  my running partner had a travel size bottle of hand sanitizer, which i dumped way more than i needed in my palm and rubbed vigorously into the affected area.  however, i wasn't satisfied, i put on gloves.  i had to cover my contaminated hand so i wouldn't have to look at it or worse forget and touch myself with it before i had a chance to properly clean it.

time to come full circle with the story from the beginning.  maybe this public pooper has had too many mishaps with conventional toilets and has decided that the only safe way to go number two is out in the open?  lets face it there is absolutely zero risk of getting someone else's crap on your hand when you just squat out in the open.  the public pooper may be onto something, but i don't see myself doing this anytime soon.  instead i will take the riskier approach and take my chances in public facilities.

two ratchets...

two summers ago my kids voluntarily decided to share a room.  the idea was presented on a typical sunny afternoon.  although it involved a lot of rearranging, i thought why not, they aren't going to want to do this forever.  so we set off moving all of my son's stuff into his sister's room and turned his room into a play area, aka junk haven.

for the next six months i tucked my two darling kiddos into their beds.  every night when i left, miss p would shout out, "see you in the morning" and as i walked down the steps i would shout back, "thanks for the warning".   i would sit downstairs on the couch and listen to them whispering back and forth to each other.

under the cover of darkness, sharing the same space, seemed to be the only time they got along.  i could hear them giggling, telling each other things that they didn't want to say in front of me, and sometimes i could hear miss p helping her bro sound out a word in his book.  they were bonding, solidifying a friendship that will last a lifetime.

i fully expected this arrangement to last about six months.  i figured miss p, in the thick of those preteen years, would want her own space back.  that ash would get tired of his sister's sloppy ways and need his organized clean space back.  to my surprise they shared miss p's room for the whole school year, with very little arguments or complaints about each other.  then for some reason, this summer, they decided to switch rooms, piling all their bedding into junk haven.  camping out on the floor like they were camping.

a month into middle school and my miss p, has decided she definitely needs her own space.  in some fashion these two have been preparing for this moment.  miss p has slowly been arranging and rearranging her room to her complete satisfaction before officially moving back into it.  while ash has been clearing out the junk from his room turning into a space he is comfortable with.

last night was the first time in over a year that they slept in separate rooms.  there is a part of me that is super sad that this journey is over.  no longer will i hear them giggling quietly, or sharing stories of their day, or helping each other without arguments.  however, they made the choice to share a room on good terms and ended on good terms.  i'm super proud of my kiddos for being there for realizing when the novelty has worn off and made adjustments before wringing each other's necks.

raising a son...

 

my son is ten. he is a pretty typical boy in most respects he likes; video games, donuts, soccer, altering safe toys into weapons of very little destruction, a strong dislike on being clean, exploring in the woods and streams, wrestling anybody who will participate, scaring me whenever the opportunity arises, tormenting his older sister, drawing, finding anything to do besides his homework, and showing me anything that has to do with pooping or farting.

he is reserved and shy, and like most adult men i know, does not share his feelings freely.  he seems to keep those things locked up tight, but every now and then he breaks down.  when those moments happen he has my undivided attention.  there could be a meteor headed right towards the spot i am sitting, or the zombie apocalypse could be starting (just for the record, i think the whole zombie thing is totally dumb), or the president could be tugging at my shirttail, none of it is as important or pressing as hearing the thoughts going on in my little man's head.

i am always surprised by what he reveals.  i'm not sure that i am completely equipped to be raising a boy.  his little mind works so differently from mine, most of the time i am at a loss. i don't realize the challenges he faces as a young man trying to find his place in this world.  his road of discovery and truth is just starting, but i worry for him.  i don't know how to instill confidence to share his feelings when the world around him tells him, "men don't share their feelings."

i have read countless articles, in every kind of publication imaginable, that single mothers raise weak sons.  due to our societies high divorce rate, more boys are being raised solely by women and we women are instilling girly qualities in our boys.  in my experience, women tend to be much more comfortable sharing their feelings, sometimes we share too much (i recently shared too much and it didn't turn out well), but for the most part you don't really have to guess where you stand with women.  whereas men tend to keep their feelings locked behind an impassable door with only one key, which they keep hidden away. 

i wonder out loud, can't there be a happy medium?  is it really that unrealistic to raise young men to openly share their feelings without taking away from all the macho manliness that men have been taught for countless years?  does asking your son to share his feelings, to do the dishes, to help fold clothes, to do any other traditional woman oriented chores, or simply living with just females really emasculate that young man? 

i do my best as a woman to understand the challenges my son faces, when he chooses to share them with me.  i try to indulge the gross things he is interested in (we just went through the process of curing a crow skull).  i laugh at the ridiculous videos he finds that center around farting or pooping, even if i find very little humor in them at all.  i save the traditional man chores for my young man.  i try not to get too worked up when he digs massive holes in my backyard just for the sake of digging a hole.  i react appropriately at the pranks he pulls on me as long as they aren't dangerous.

the authors, researchers and voices behind "single mother's raise weak men" would probably cringe at the fact that i require my son to give me a kiss everyday, that i hug him in front of his friends, that i encourage him to share his thoughts, not just his cockamamie ideas, but his feelings as often as he wants, and that i tell him i love him every chance i get, but i don't care.  they can be naysayers.  watching my son trying to put on a brave face just to be a "man" makes my heart hurt and frankly i think it's wrong.

deja vu or...

there aren't too many scenarios on this planet that someone else hasn't already or will experience.  it could be as crazy as being held at gunpoint, as funny as falling in a department store or as boring as using your crockpot three days in a row.  chances are someone has done nearly the exact same thing.

to me this is the best thing about sharing our personal experiences, we realize we are not alone in our endeavors.  talking about our set backs can ease the sting, consequently talking about our leaps forward can heighten the elation.  the trick is to be brave and share.  to own our lives in a way that is transparent.

this brings me to a text conversation i was having a bit ago:

sometimes i think i'm going to have to wait until my children are grown to be able to really find, develop and settle in to the relationship i desire, but that seems so far away.  i have to believe it is possible to achieve sooner.

finding a balance to satisfy my personal needs without compromising my duties as a mother is something that i have not been able to figure out.  i honestly don't think i am the only woman who feels this way.  i don't even think this is something single mother's deal with.  i think a large number of mother's struggle with how to find that perfect balance so you don't lose yourself to motherhood.

i've often wondered if fathers have the same struggles.  do they stress over balancing being the breadwinner, (yes, i am generalizing, but the majority of men bring home bigger paychecks than women do, check out the stats), being an engaged daddy, still being the macho guys guy and being an attentive husband?  hmmm?

interestingly this very conversation i was having with a friend, came up on a blog i frequently read.  the post was about the author, a man, who broke up with his girlfriend because his duties as a father required that he put all his attention there.  if you have the time follow the link and go read his post, he is a way better writer than i am and it's from man's perspective.

whoa!  how many times have you read an article, or clicked on someones facebook post, or seen an episode of a show, or hear a story on the radio and said, "hey that could've been me?"  this actually happens to me all the time, it is almost like having a deja vu moment.  when this does happen, i really tune in and compare the similarities and disparities.  sometimes i come away thinking, boy i'm glad my situation didn't end that way!, and other times i think, i should meet that human we would have a ton to talk about!. 

anyway, my point to all of this has nothing to do with finding balance, it is about the fact that we are united in the fact that we share experiences that are similar to others.  the others may be perfect strangers, a family member or a best friend, but our commonality is our experiences. 

love isn't a light switch...

how do you know when to break up with someone?  i know there are many, many different scenarios as to why someone would call it quits, we all have our thresholds, but how we come to that precipice is interesting to me.

i think it is a false presumption to think that we break up with people because we dislike them or stop loving them.  i know too many people, myself included, that decide for one reason or another that they must put some distance between themselves and their partner.  I know from my own personal experiences it isn't because i stopped caring.  i just don't think you can turn off the love switch that easily.

let's go way back to matt.  i broke things off with him, not because i didn't care about him anymore, but because what we were wanting, in terms of our relationship, were on different ends of the spectrum.  our last significant time together we went on a hike to pilchuck.  we talked about our future life together, what we were wanting from each other and possible solutions as to how we could make it happen.  i remember during our descent, he was walking in front of me and i was dissecting the whole conversation when i called his name.  he stopped on the trail, looked back at me with a skeptical smile.  i walked up to him, gave him a huge hug and kiss and said, "i love you." 

i meant it, i did love him, but love isn't everything.  i had realized on this hike that the compromises he was asking me to make were beyond the scope of what i could do.  i wanted to try them because i cared about him deeply, but i knew eventually i would be unhappy and possibly resentful for having made so many sacrifices to make "us" work.  why get started down a path with him, that included the livelihood of four children, just to uproot their lives and ours?  i couldn't bring myself to do it.

that hike was one of the last times we were in each others presence.  we met one other time, at his request, to try to talk it through but i had made up my mind on the mountainside.  the last time we were together ended in tears on both our parts.  although it was a hard decision i felt it was the best for my kids and i.  i have since learned he has married. 

let's jump ahead to something a little more recent.  lately (in the last couple of years), i have found myself in entanglements where i give more than what is being received.  maybe i jump in too quickly, or i have too high of expectations, or i don't even know what else, but whatever the case i feel like i am holding the short end of the stick.  not really the situation i want to be involved in, so i move on.

i move on because i want to be in a situation where both parties are giving and it's satisfying for everyone.  relationships cannot be one sided.  again, i don't decide to move on because i dislike them, maybe their actions, but not them.  it is usually a tough decision because i still really enjoy their company i just need more. i need something that either they are unwilling or can't give (to me).  sigh.

so, how do you know when to call it quits?  for me i think it is when you are having to change who you are to accommodate your partner.  when we do this, we build up resentment because the relationship isn't satisfying our needs we are just pleasing someone else.  the right relationship should nourish, celebrate and embrace each parties wants, needs and goals.

a side note:  i don't think you should jump to the quitting selection.  there are a lot of opportunities to improve a relationship if both parties are willing and open to compromise.

recurring dream...

dreams are something of an enigma to me.  i am not one who generally remembers their dreams, however lately i seem to remember the racy ones.  anyway, i can't remember the last time i had a nice dream, a nightmare, and i've never had a recurring dream.  with that said, i have a high school friend who appears a couple of times a year in unrelated dreams.  he just walks through the picture, i call it a cameo.  when this happens i usually shoot him a message just to say hey. 
 

are you someone who remembers their dreams?  i have another friend who claims that they can control their dreams.  crazy, right?  but this friend swears to it.  all they have to do is think about what they want to dream about before falling asleep and somehow that is what this friend dreams about.  when this friend tells me they had a dream about me, i just reply, "you planned it."  a planned dream kind of loses its impact as opposed to an unplanned dream.

 

the other night as i was reading and getting ready to crash for the night, i got a text.  this human doesn't normally text me at this hour seeing as how this human lives on the east coast and should be sleeping.  the text simply said, "are you busy?"  being this is an unusual thing for this human i replied, "nope. what's up?"  the next line kind of surprised me, "i had a nightmare and just want to run it by you."  now there was a whole slew of texts that transpired with a ton of details that i'm not going to include, but this is what you need to know, for the past several years this human has had the same nightmare about someone close to them.  here is the gist of the nightmare:
 

i get the vision of her being trapped in a burning house and by the time i get to her it's too late and i see her burning alive.

 

what would you do if you kept having this same nightmare?  i had a couple ideas of what i would do.

• dream journal.  write the nightmare down as soon as i woke up, with as many details as possible.  my thinking is that although it may be a recurring dream there might be slight changes that you don't recall 2 hours or even 10 minutes after you wake up.  list everything i did and consumed that day.  much like a food journal, you might find patterns of consumption that trigger the dream.  write down anything strange that happened that day.  there may be no correlation to the events of the day prior to the dream other than something out of the ordinary occurs, that maybe when you look at the history will prove to be extraordinary. 
  
• talk to the subject of the dream.  when i suggested this to my friend the idea was quickly shot down.  however, i think it might be helpful.  i get that conversation would be strange and most likely extremely uncomfortable, but maybe the subject has some insight to either make sense of the dream or stop them.

 

those are really the only ideas i have and i would most likely do both of them, that is if i was intent on understanding and possibly stopping them.  do you have any suggestions?

duped...

why is it, we say we want to hear the truth, but when the truth doesn't quite fit into our expectations we unzip our nice guy costume and unleash the beast from within?  i know that i am guilty of this.  i sometimes pout or get really angry or plead my case until i am blue in the face because my feelings are hurt, but is this really a reasonable reaction?

the other day i was faced with a human who said, "i duped them."  they claim that i falsely led them to believe one thing when my intentions were something different.  obviously i beg to differ, but that is always the case when two people are on opposite sides of an issue.

i think the problem lies in the fact that humans rely on how a situation or an interaction affects them emotionally.  we place stock in factors that are out of our control.  we have expectations of how others should treat us.  we have preconceived ideas of how our lives should go.  when one or all of those things don't happen we feel "duped".

tonight i will be walking into a situation with many unknowns.  seeing as how there are so many unknowns i have no idea what to expect.  i am sure there will be things that i don't agree with, that will hurt my feelings and that will inspire me, but above all else i am hoping for the stripped down truth. 

i have been preparing myself mentally so that i don't unleash the beast.  i am praying that i can be completely vulnerable without a iron wall to protect me.  i am hoping that i can shelve my ego and really hear what is being said, not just hear with my ears but hear with my heart.  i seek the courage to express myself in a manner that isn't accusatory and reflects my sincerity.  i am expecting clarity to a chain of pain so that i (we) can put it behind us.

if all goes well, i (we) will be on our way to mending a relationship that has been dragged through barbed wire lined trenches.  a relationship that has meant so much to me.  even if it doesn't go as well i hope, the truth, my truth and their truth, will be on the table and the unknowns will be gone. 

my mr. big...

are there any sex and the city fans out there?  my hand is raised and i'm jumping up and down shouting, "i am! i am!".  i watched the whole series and i own the two movies.  i haven't delved into the carrie diaries but that is okay because what i am going to talk about today has to do with the adult carrie. 

if you are a fan of the show you know the love story that unfolded between carrie and mr. big.  it wasn't easy.  throughout the television show they got together, they broke up, they saw other people, but ultimately they wound up together.  they had to go through a whole lot of crap before they finally got it right.

i have a friend, a man friend, in my life like this.  he has been my best man friend, the cause of much heartache, the reason for a huge smile, conversations in the middle of the night, my shoulder to cry on, i would like to give him credit for my stellar abs because he makes me laugh harder than anyone i've ever met, and someone i can count on. 

i can go through the last three years of blogging and pull out dozens of posts where i reference him.  where i share our adventures.  where i complain about him.  where i have hurt him.  where i have put him on a pedestal.  where i have reveled in his friendship.  where i have wanted nothing more than to fix things.  where i have loved him.

there are times when i wonder if he will be my mr. big?  are all of our ups and downs, starts and stops, love and hate just part of our journey that we must travel before we can do it right?  or maybe all of the turmoil is a neon sign that is supposed to tell us that we aren't supposed to be?  i still haven't figured that out.

he is the only person i don't know how to ignore.  the only person i never forget.  the only person i dream about.  the only person i plan an imaginary life with.  the only person i feel truly knows who i am and sees through all the bullshit.  the only person i have truly loved. 

love stories in real life rarely mimic scripted love stories in the movies.  but i can't help compare my love story, which remains to be seen if that is what it is, with carrie and mr. big's story.  as i have said over and over again about this man, i am forever grateful for him.  my life would have a huge hole to fill without him.  regardless of what stage we are in, the on or the off, he always occupies a place in my heart.

back burner...

i'm beginning to think that my "don't-bother-meter" is seriously off kilter.  i am going to go so far as to say my meter is in need of some serious recalibration and has been for, oh let's say....forever!  anyway, sometimes i just can't let things go and i have to know what the f*#k is up.  i had me one of those moments the other day.  my moment happened in the form of an email, it wasn't nasty, accusatory, or insensitive, i simply wanted clarity.  in a nutshell this was the answer...


 I put my work first, friends second and relationships on the back burner.

 

this would've been nice information to know from the get go.  you might be saying, "maybe you should've asked more questions."  well i did, i asked before even meeting this human.  i can guarantee you there was no mention that a relationship was on the back burner indefinitely.   if i had known i wouldn't have bothered in the first place, or at the very least said, "hey, thanks anyway, but i'm looking for something different".

 

i have had a certain conversation about intention with several men and women and i still don't understand why it is so hard to just be honest about what your intentions are.  here is a list of possible intentions, but there are so many more you could rattle off;

 

• i'm just looking for someone to screw
• i'm just looking for a distraction to get over my ex
• i need a woman to be my date for functions
• i want a girlfriend
• i want to get married
• i need new friends, don't even care what you look like

 

it seems so easy to me to be clear about what you are looking for, so why say something else?  yes, i'm looking for an answer better than, "to get you into bed".

i think the goal in dating is to learn something.  dating seems to be a never ending process of narrowing down exactly what you are looking for.  i learned that i now have an additional topic to bring up.  i haven't quite figured out how i will seamlessly ease this into the basic get-to-know-you conversation, but maybe i could make it into a game?

how about this?  if things are going well and i am interested in a second date i could whip out some cards (work, friends, relationship, family, sex, faith) and ask him to put them in order of most to least important.  scratch that, that is a terrible idea.  however, if we just had this brief conversation and relationship is at the end of his list, i will know not to entertain the second date and immediately friend zone him. 

baseball, burgers and beer...

america's favorite pastime.  really?  i find baseball to be a total snoozefest, especially on television.  i find golf more interesting to watch than baseball on television.  so, how did a gal who doesn't really like baseball find herself in the second row right at first base?  i was invited that's how. 

as soon as i accepted the invitation i was worried.  things seem to happen to me.  i had this image that i was going to be sitting in my seat, minding my own business, chatting up my friend who brought me to the game, when out of nowhere a ball strikes me in the face.  i would be doubled over in pain, holding my bloody face and wouldn't you know it some yahoo is filming it on his iphone and has the footage posted to you tube before the bleeding stops.  it really would be just my luck.

i shared my concerns on the way to the game.  i was promised that my fears would not come to fruition, although i wasn't completely convinced.  we made our way down to our seat, walking farther and farther down into the stadium towards the field.  holy crap!  second row is so close.  you can hear the thoughts in the baseman's head, smell the dirt, and feel the rush as a ball flies by.  it was really cool.  thankfully i made it through the game unscathed.  

after the game was a fireworks show.  i missed watching fireworks this year, i was busy getting ready for a camping soccer tournament the following day.  so this was great.  a lackluster ball game, unless you were a fan for the visiting team, followed up by fireworks.  could this evening get any better?  well as a matter of fact it did.

we left the game starving.  if you are familiar with "event food", you know that the vendors rape your pockets, so we opted to have a customary beverage during the game but held off on food until afterwards.  our late night hunger pains brought us to dick's burgers.  unlike most seattle natives, i had never had a dick's burger.  uh, let's just say i'm glad there isn't one close by because for $1.50 you can't get a better burger.  it was delicious i could've eaten three but i went for the lady like one burger.  next time it will be a different story.

for a nightcap, we found ourselves at the lodge.  i had never been here either.  are you noticing a theme?  i don't get out to new places very often, i'm kind of a stick to what you know type of gal.  anyway, being a beer gal i had a hard time deciding on one from the 35 they have on tap.  i am a sucker for kitschy names and will often times pick something just because i like the name.  this was definitely the case or it might have been because it was so late i was delirious. 

note the time!

see which beer i picked?  the name made me giggle and we had just come from dick's burgers, it seemed fitting.  the best part about this beer, is that it is a brown ale, my favorite. 

so there you have it.  i sat in the second row of the mariner game and didn't get hit with a ball.  i am no longer a dick's burger virgin nor do i plan on becoming a dick's burger whore, but they are tasty.  i found myself at a new bar and had a delicious beer.  the best part, i spent the whole night with a super fun friend.  nobody speaks latin anymore, but if we did i would've said "veni, vidi, vici" at the end of the night.  instead i said the all so boring, "thank you".

right for right now...

sometimes i feel like i meet the "right" person at the wrong time.   which i suppose ultimately means they aren't the "right" person forever, but maybe just for that time in life.  

my plate is full.  i am a full time mother running my kids all over tarnation.  i work outside the home four days a week.  i have a full social schedule.  i am also in the process of registering for school for me.  my "free time" is pretty much nil, at best a few hours a week.  this doesn't leave me with much time to nurture a new relationship of any kind, let alone a romantic relationship.  however, a romantic relationship is something i crave.

 is it okay to be involved with someone just to fill the void?  

 

i have always thought no.  why devote your free time to someone when you know it isn't going anywhere?  i'm not getting any younger and i would really like to start the next chapter of my life with someone, but damn it's lonely.

which brings me to D.  i really did enjoy every single second i spent with him, however we are wanting different things, living on different planes and there was no indication that our continuums would ever meet.  i was finding myself frustrated.  through the frustration my interactions, when they weren't what i was wanting, were becoming short, curt, and miffed.  this is not exactly the feelings or reactions i wish to have towards someone, which is why i told him this wasn't working for me.  wouldn't you know it that's the last i've heard from him. 

here's the thing about filling the void with a just for right now, it makes the void seem even bigger.  when there's no future there's no reason to share or get to know each other better.  there's no real connection.  my official opinion is this...tying up your time with someone you don't foresee a future with makes you unavailable, blind and shut off to the right person at the right time. 

in hot water...

i recently fell in to some hot water with my beloved friends.  i was sitting with two of my closest friends, just chewing the fat when "i need some clarity on one of your blog posts" floated across the open space between us.  oh crap.  my mind started flipping through recent posts, just like you would flip through a rolodex.  i met the eyes of my friends with a genuinely confused expression.  i had no clue what they were referring to, but from the looks on their faces they weren't super pleased with me.

it isn't very often that i have a face to face discussion, conversation, saving face session, with anything i put out there.  the beauty and downfall of blogging is that i am having conversations with myself.  while i am clearing my head so i don't go crazy i sometimes inadvertently strike a nerve with others because there is no opportunity for clarification and oodles of opportunity for interpretation.

alright flo, swallow the enormous lump in your throat and face the music.

 

i fielded their questions and gingerly skirted around trying not to dig myself a bigger hole.  i'm a wobbly mess when i'm put on the spot.  my voice is shaky, i often times cry for no apparent reason, i start to sweat like crazy from every pore on my body and i'm sure i get some sort of nervous tic that i don't even recognize is occurring.

 

here's the deal, i absolutely adore my friends.  they are my saving grace at the end of each and every day.  i hate that i made them feel wrong or negatively about being my friend, asking questions and giving me advice when i ask for it.  although we worked this out in person i still felt that i should point the finger at myself for being an ass.

 

there is a quote that comes to mind:

 

be who you are and say what you feel

because those who mind don't matter

and those who matter don't mind

 

well maybe they mind a little bit. *wink*

brephophagist...

brephophagist:

 

1. a noodle soup analyst
2. one who eats babies

3. one who studies phalanges

do you know the right answer? 

 

once a year i spend a weekend in stitches.  not the kind of stitches that require a physician to sew up a gaping wound.  more along the line of stitches that give your abs a workout, that make you look like you have a hangar in your mouth and the sounds of chortling echo through the hills.   our annual trip brought us to a great little house just outside of leavenworth, nestled up along some river (i have no idea which one).

just a couple of shots

most of the shenanigans are not able to be shared. 

  

thank you mammas for a great weekend! 

 

oh, a brephophagist is one who eats babies. 

thank you balderdash for expanding my trivia knowledge with this gem.  

what are we...

have you ever been in a relationship like this?  i'm sure the person who called what you were doing together, didn't call it a relationship, but as far as i am concerned any time you spend with another human is a relationship of some sort. 

we are a people with an incessant need to label everything.  we label the rooms we are in with silly signs that tell us what do in them.  we label people by class, color, achievements, disorders, and any other cotton pickin' thing you can think of.  we label our food with warning labels, nutrition facts, and slogans to make us want them.  we also label what kind of relationship we are in; marriage, business, friends (with the subcategories of acquaintance, close, bosom, f+#* buddy, etc.), parent/child, teacher/student really the lists could go on and on.

this "friends with benefits" label on a relationship is one i have heard of, i've even watched the movie (which was funny), but it is not really a relationship that i have ever wanted to be in.  it seems to me that you are telling this person you are enough to be intimate with but not really what i am looking for long term.  ouch, that is harsh.

so what do you do if you aren't looking for that type of arrangement but somehow you think you've found yourself smack dab in the middle of one? 

• say, "hold up sir, you want a piece of this, it's time to pony up"?
• keep seeing each other, let's face it the benefits are good, but keep your options open?
• cut your losses and get some extra batteries?
•  keep seeing each other in hopes that over time you will both realize there is something more than a physical connection?

like always, i have no answers just questions.  i know which way i lean, but i don't fit nicely in any category.  my alter ego picks option a, but i'm not that forward.  the intimate side of me picks option b, for obvious reasons.  my head picks option c because i get too attached and really struggle with separating my head and my heart.  speaking of my heart, it picks option d for one reason, timing is everything and maybe this is the right guy but the wrong time.

or maybe it is simply this labeling makes things official.  sometimes the label is scary.

is the grass greener...

recently i asked for a topic to write about.  sometimes i draw a blank.  getting some direction is helpful, but can be harder than when inspiration smacks you in the face.  often times when i have an idea i can whip out several paragraphs, kind of like a rough draft, then i go back to tweak, add some humor (if it calls for it), use a thesaurus (to sound a little smarter than i am), read and reread until i am satisfied.  other times i have an idea, throw down a couple of sentences but find there is nothing left to say about it.  sometimes those ideas are finished at a much later time but most of the time they are round filed.  without further ado, here is the suggestion i decided to roll with:

is the grass greener on the other side?

 

i don't think so.

i think the grass is greenest where you water it. 

 

have you ever tried growing grass from seed?  it isn't as easy as throwing some seed on the ground and watering it.  you have to prepare the ground, then seed, water, water, and water some more.  you have to make sure that nobody tramples, eats, or craps on your new life.  sometimes it comes in patchy and you have to work a little harder to get that area to grow.  once your lush grass has rooted then comes the hardest part keeping it alive and healthy with very few weeds.

 

can you see the similarities between grass and relationships? 

 

i'm going to do a whole lot of calling the kettle black  seeing as how i did not do these things in my marriage, but i have learned a whole lot so i can do things differently in the future. 

 

i think that there are always going to be outside temptations.  there is always going to be someone who is more attractive than your mate.  someone who may have more in common with you.  someone who has greater means.  someone who may challenge you more.  tons and tons of temptations.  the flip side of this is that all those same temptations are there for your partner yet they have still chosen you.

 

relationships take constant care; watering, weeding, fertilizing, and mowing. 

 

watering:  to me this is the daily interactions with your partner.  the day to day comings and goings that are essential to building a life together.  the coordinating of schedules, the dreaded what's for dinner? conversations, the catching up about your days, the daily physical connections (yes i said daily and i mean it) and of course the disagreements over the piddly things.

 

weeding:  this is getting rid of the temptations, like those nasty dandelions that take root in the middle of the yard.  there is no way to avoid them, but you can remove them as they come up.  there is more to weeding than just removing.  this is an opportunity to understand why you are succumbing to the lure and find a way to fill that need in your current relationship.

 

fertilizing:  this is the unexpected and extra boost to keep the excitement alive.  it is imperative to step outside of the daily routine and be spontaneous.  experience life instead of watching it.  it is so much better to experience life when you have someone to turn to and say "wasn't that fun?".  trust me, i'm becoming an expert at living alone.  i still turn my head and say the phrase but nobody answers back. sigh

 

mowing:  this could be the weekly time you set aside to reconnect.  it seems like the healthiest, longest lasting relationships are the ones where the couple still dates.  you don't have to leave the house to date, just check out the dating divas for some great ideas for at home dates.  my point is, before you are committed couple you spend oodles amount of time "entertaining" each other.  why in the world should that end just because you got your hooks in them forever? i don't think it does, i think you should continue to date each other.  

 

so there we go.  no i don't think the grass is greener somewhere else.  it may appear greener, much like an oasis in the dessert, but often times once you are in it, it ends up being similar to the grass you left.  all relationships have their ups and downs, their lefts and rights, the forwards and backwards, but i sincerely feel that if you truly love the person you are with and nurture that relationship, you will be successful. 

 

oh there is one variable, your partner has to want to the same thing.  if they don't you're screwed and there isn't anything you can do about it. 

validation, intimacy, adventure...

on a recent friday night, i had the pleasure of sharing a beer (or two), a plate of asian nachos and deep conversation with two intelligent forward thinking men.  oh stop it, this wasn't an interview for a threesome.  anyway, what was supposed to be a casual, friendly, light hearted beer, turned into a pretty intense exchange.

the most interesting topic of the evening was this: what are the top three things that you need from a partner?  now i am not at liberty to share what the men said, but i think their answers were great.  i can share with you mine; validation, intimacy and adventure.

validation

 

i can feel my sis cringing at the first one.  she is always on me for expecting too much.  however, it is part of who i am, i can curb it a little, but it is always there.  i don't need a lot of validation, but i do want to know and feel that i am important to my partner.  i figure for the right fella that isn't going to be a big deal.  he will be more than happy to share that with me not because i need it but because he wants me to know that i'm his girl.

neither of the men found this to be crazy or over the top, in fact they said they already knew this about women, that most women have a need to be validated (the degree obviously varies) and that they in fact show their women.  here in lies the problem, women need it, men know it, men give it just not in the form that we women easily recognize, then we women bitch and moan because we didn't recognize it.  it's that whole men and women not speaking the same language piece.

intimacy 

 

when i said intimacy one of the fellas asked for elaboration "what does that mean to you?"  i love all aspects of intimacy.  i think it is uber important for partners to touch.  sometimes i think we think of being intimate as a naked escapade, but for me there are many clothed acts that i consider intimate; holding hands, resting a hand on your partner's leg, mingling feet, hugging, kissing, making love, massages, sitting so close to each other that your legs touch from hip to knee, and although this isn't physical, eye contact can be very intimate.  now all of these could be better naked, but even clothed it is important to me to touch my partner often and regularly.

as you can imagine neither of the men found this to be outrageous.  really why would they?  intimacy is something that wasn't prevalent in my marriage, but it is something that i've learned i need, i crave, and am determined to have and keep alive in future relationships.  clearly, needing this from a partner is a win win for both of us.

adventure
 

in my experience, it is really easy to get stuck in the mundane routine of life.  i don't know about you, but i need some excitement to keep me motivated in the mundane.  adventure doesn't have to translate to something big.  for me there is adventure to be had everyday; taking a drive on a road you've never traveled, eating at a restaurant you've never tried, maybe eating at a restaurant you love but everyone has to eat something new, running a new path, watching a new show together, trying something new in the bedroom, going shopping and picking out an outfit for each other (not something you think they would pick out, but something you really like) and trying it on.  i can think of tons of things that would mix up the everyday dullness and add some adventure to our life. 

one of the men said he wasn't surprised at all by this.  this might be because i am always on the go.  whether i have someone to share the experience with or not, i am still out there trying, living, experiencing all that life has to throw at me.  in my opinion living shouldn't stop because you are now falling into a routine together, the routine should be dotted with the new and unexpected.

maybe my top three are lofty and unattainable?  i don't think they are.  i think when two people are on the same page the things that are important to them individually become important to them as a couple.  i didn't think that the top three of the fellas were off the charts crazy, they actually made sense to me. 

whether you are in a new relationship or one of many years, this is a good conversation to have.  it is eye opening to see what is important to the person you have chosen to give yourself to.  you may discover something new about your partner.  you may discover new about yourself.  as time goes on i think it would be good to have this conversation again, because i think as we mature individually and in a relationship our needs and desires change.

so what's your top three?

martyr at heart...

why is that we hold onto trinkets, memories, people, what have you, that bring us pain?  are we martyrs at heart, at the very core of our being, repeatedly causing ourselves grief and pain by revisiting the past?  or maybe it isn't about the malaise, maybe it is a way to prove to ourselves that our worth hasn't been crushed, kind of the, i will triumph no matter what, mentality? 

the other night i couldn't sleep.  i had a million and two snapshots nascar-ing in my brain.  images circling, lapping, speeding up, slowing down, one image jockeying the next image for first place.  it was seriously exhausting.  at some point in time i did find sleep because i woke up.

are you a re-hasher?  are you someone who dissects the past to see where things went wrong, where things went right, find ways to improve for the future and bury what you will never, ever repeat?  i am.  this is what was happening the other night. 

just as i was trying to fall asleep my brain, or maybe my heart, decided to do something else besides partake in blissful sleep.  i spent several hours lying in the dark, covers pulled up to my chin, staring at the wall in front of me.  a blank robin's egg blue wall, that i painted with the person who was occupying my thoughts.  just like watching a movie our whole friendship played on the blank space in front of me; all the laughter, the tears, the anger, the apologies, and the love.

my "movie" must've ended on a good note which is why i finally fell asleep.  however when i awoke, my thoughts were still occupied.  sometimes people have such a profound impact on your life it is hard to let go.  it is hard to push their existence into a place that you can't easily visit.  let's face it, it is just hard.

the moments i spend reliving the past with this person continually wane.  it is not because i don't care it is simply too hurtful to visit on a regular basis.  living in the past prohibits me from being open and accepting of the positives that are in my life right now.  taking steps to positively impact my mental health doesn't just happen, it is a conscious decision i have to work at every day.

craigslist ad...

i'm about to stick my nose into something i shouldn't.  i have absolutely NO first hand knowledge to know how i would deal with this situation, but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion.

craigslist ad:

free decorating supplies; live and dead flowers, balloons deflated and floating, beads of multiple colors, a banner, a sturdy white cross and a whole bunch of other crap. 
please remove as soon as possible, but i recommend collecting your cache in the cover of darkness. 

location: on the side of a curvy busy road, just look for the cross.

 

last year there was a fatal hit and run car accident outside my house. I have been amazed and astounded by the outpouring of love from this man's family, friends and possibly strangers.  the amount of flowers and balloons is incredible.  i hope when i leave this earth that i will be loved just as much.  however, i don't want my loved ones to spend the rest of their lives "decorating" the place that i passed.

i admit that this is a bit churlish, but i am done. 

DONE, i say. 

over the past year, every, i'm talking every, major holiday has been celebrated at the cross on the side of the road.  twelve carved pumpkins for Halloween, harvest colored flowers for thanksgiving, a decorated miniature tree for Christmas, heart balloons for valentines day, easter lilies for easter, mardi gras beads for mardi gras (is that even a real holiday?).  for the anniversary of the accident came a huge bouquet of balloons and an enormous "don't drink and drive" banner that was duct taped between two towering trees.  the most recent addition is birthday balloons, it must have been his birthday.

i'm kinda reacting like mr. nebbercracker from the movie monster house.  have you seen this movie?  he is a crotchety old man who is constantly harping at the kids across the street to get off my lawn!  i feel like him because i am tired of the traffic (people parked in my driveway or on the shoulder of the road) to pay their respects.  i am tired of all the crap that is on the side of the road, it is distracting and junky to look at.  to be honest i am tired of being reminded that a person was killed feet from my front door.  

like i said, i have no first hand knowledge of what i would do if my loved one died tragically in an accident.  maybe i would go back to the last place they were alive.  however i think that i would be more inclined to honor my loved one by going to a place that we enjoyed together.  i will give you an example; every year my dad takes a morning to go to a golf course to remember his dad.  sometimes he plays a round, sometimes he just walks the course, but every time he is there because it is something that brings back fond memories of his dad.  this is more my style.

to date there is still a mess of stuff on the side of the road.  it will probably remain there for years and i am just going to have to deal with it or move. 

constant scrutiny...

i have great friends.  they provide endless support, laughter, annoyance, grief and of course love.  however i have a small problem with them when i am interested in someone.  i know that their questions come from protectiveness but lord almighty i think they have forgotten what it's like to date.  seeing as how i am the only gal who isn't married or in a long term relationship, my entanglements fall under constant scrutiny.

i struggle personally with wanting to know all the answers and letting things happen naturally.  it is a constant ebb and flow in my world.  for instance i want to know things like; where is this going?  is he seeing anyone else?  is he the one?  seriously my mind goes into a tailspin trying to decipher imaginary clues.

i can say honestly that with this new guy...i'm going to have to give him a nickname so i can refer to him easier...let's see, uh, i could call him D, this is the first initial of his first name?  or maybe lover?  no that is too crass even for me. let's go with D. 

back to what i was saying, i can honestly say that with D, i'm enjoying getting to know him.  it is going much slower than anything has in the past and there is a part of me that really likes that.  our schedules are completely opposite of each other and there ends up being about one day a week that we can connect.  i don't stress too much about where things are going...until, someone starts asking me questions.

the other day i was running with my training partner and she started asking questions.  it started with something like, "i don't want to be a downer, but do you think you are going to be able to deal with his work schedule long term?"  i replied honestly, "i don't know."

i have another friend who asks me questions about how things are going and usually my answer is, "well i don't see him often our schedules don't really mesh well."  this is usually met with some choice words about how i should be with someone who makes the time to see me and a repeated question, "how can your relationship grow if there isn't time to see each other?"  

then i start thinking.  always a problem.  is there some underlying meaning behind the fact that there isn't more time?  should i be expecting him to carve out a little more time for me?  am i satisfied with how things are?  ugh

under the constant scrutiny of well meaning friends it is easy to question the progress or lack there of, however at this point i am comfortable with how things are.  would i like to see him more?  yes.  who wouldn't want to see someone they are interested in as often as possible?

but here's the deal, put aside all the wrestling i do with myself, this is the type of man i'm attracted to.  when i look back at the fellas i've shown interest in they are all career focused individuals with very little spare time.  yes i am the architect of my own anxiety.

to my beautiful, caring, and amazing friends,

i love you.  thank you for always looking out for me.  please continue to scrutinize any potential love interest as you know that we as humans are naturally blind in our own worlds.  ask me the hard questions, make me think, challenge my sanity, but remember that i love the man with ambition and drive. 

yours forever,
flo

thigh gap...

thigh gap, thigh gap, thigh gap

what is the big deal?

if you use pinterest, type "thigh gap" into the search bar.  a whole slew of exercises pull up.  in addition there is photo after photo of extremely thin women with no muscle tone, kind of like this...

but they have the thigh gap.  just look at the beautiful void between her thighs.  come on, where in the world do these crazy obsessions come from?

maybe i am just jealous because my physical make up leaves it nearly impossible for me to obtain a thigh gap.  i am knock kneed.  when i stand with my feet together my legs look like they have been zippered closed.  i don't have a calf gap, a just above the knee gap, let alone a thigh gap.  however i do have muscles and even some cellulite.  gasp!  i am 37 it was bound to happen.

as most of you know i am not totally comfortable with the top of my legs.  i will admit that i stand in front of the mirror, reach around and pull the top of my thighs back to get rid of the extra fat and skin that resides there.  i will also admit that i like the way it looks.  during the time i am staring at the thighs i wish i had my mind skips to the tight-skirt-in-the-summer-with-no-hosiery-days thinking, "man it would be nice to not have my sweaty thighs sticking together, if only..."  keep dreaming flo it's never going to happen.

so here's the deal, i have no idea why women are obsessed with the thigh gap.  every man i have ever talked to or been with seems to prefer a woman with a little extra meat to their frame and honestly i don't blame them who wants to roll around in the sack with a skeleton?  besides if you just spread your legs a little, or a lot, you will have achieved that elusive thigh gap without the rigors of exercises that won't ever change your bone structure.

i will leave you this picture

which look do you prefer?

 



cardinal mistake...

here is an excerpt from a text conversation last week....

if you had any questions about where this is going, i'm sure you don't now.  how does a girl who has an esthetician in the family do something so stupid?  that is easy.  your name is flo, you are often times impulsive and don't think things through and you think you can do anything. 

it's a thursday night.  i have plans of seeing a man (the same man i've referred to in the past week, i really like him) in the next couple of days.  i haven't been keeping up on the grooming.  i don't have time to go see my sis.  the next logical step is to attempt this at home.

in case you are thinking of doing this, DON'T!  this is the worst idea you could ever, EVER have.  coloring your hair at home, not a great idea but one hundred times better.  waxing yourself, specifically the nether regions, is right up there on the stupid idea scale as piercing your own nipples, giving yourself a tattoo, and fixing your own ingrown toenails.  all of these things are better left to trained professionals. 

anyway, i jetted off to the store to get my supplies.  i should've picked up a liter of sinfire to aid in my courage but i forgot that step.  surprisingly enough there are many different brands and types of home waxing kits.  there are pre-gummed strips (kinda like ready to go wallpaper), a wax that you heat, slap on, put a strip of some material over it, smooth it out and rip it off, then there is a kind that you heat up, slap on and pull off before it hardens. i opted for the latter version because it seemed most like what my sister uses. 

back home

many of you know that i am rule follower, so it should be no surprise that i read the directions and followed them precisely.  however my experience was NOTHING like the promise that came on the multifolded directions in English, Spanish and French.

step one: heat the product in the convenient little pot it comes in until it is the consistency of honey.  sounds easy enough.  so i start heating.  i can see the hardened wax start to break down into a liquidy state.  it doesn't say if you want it the consistency of easy to pour honey or when it starts to solidify, but i'm using my noggin (sort of) and go for pourable.

step two: use the provided paddle shaped stick, get a fairly large amount and spread (like peanut butter on toast) to the area of your body you would like the hair to be removed.  there is a specification to which direction, at the moment i am forgetting, but i read it several times to make sure i was spreading the correct way.  so i twist up a glob onto my paddle, just like my sis does when she waxes my eyebrows thinking see i knew i could do this,  and apply. 

holy hot!

 

mistake number one:  i did not check the temperature of the wax.  in my head i'm thinking, if i can't convince myself to pull the wax i have probably just burnt it off, either way this is a win, right?  heck no.  that wax was freaking hot and i just touched my delicate skin with it.  a small voice inside my head said are you sure this is a good idea?  just like the devil and the angel on either shoulder i ignored the angel of reason and plunged ahead with the devil.  i let it cool down just a bit, slather on one side of my bikini line, reload the paddle and apply to the other side.  my reasoning go big or go home.

 

step three: before the wax hardens peel up a little corner.  instead of having a strip to hold on to, you use the edge of the wax.  so i've applied to both sides of my bikini line, put the paddle down (careful not to get wax anywhere else) and return to the area to peel up a little corner.  i quickly realize i have a problem.  the left side isn't peeling up at all, it is like i have stuck super glue to my skin.  in a slight panic i quickly try the right side and to my horror i find the same thing. 

 

mistake number two and three:  working in too big of an area at one time and not using enough wax.  in the small print, misleadingly printed in some pretty swirly font that makes you think of dessert, it says something about when you don't use enough wax it hardens too quickly becoming brittle and difficult to remove. well great!  i look down, i'm starting to sweat and wonder what i am supposed to do now?

 

calling my sister was the first thing that came to mind, but i was too embarrassed to tell her what i had just done.  i thought to apply more wax, since i hadn't used enough the first time.  now i have double thick layer on the left side and a single layer on the right. i attempted to rip the left and a small piece about the size of pea gravel came off.  oh crap!  oh crap!  oh crap!  this is not looking good.

 

there is something that happens internally when you are inflicting immense pain on yourself.  for those of you who have never done this, let me just fill you in.  you stop.  now it may be different in a life or death situation, but every time i went to pull the wax i froze.  i couldn't cause myself the pain.  this is where the sinfire would've come in handy.  get sloppy drunk and rip away. 

 

when i got done with the left side, one pea gravel size rip at a time, i sent the above text message to sarah.  i was relieved that she was going to "fix" me the next day, but i still had one more side to go.  if you've ever had a housekeeper you might understand why i continued.  i have had a housekeeper in the past and the night before i knew she was coming i went through the house picking and cleaning up.  i didn't want to her to see how messy we really were.  i wanted her to think i just couldn't get to the deep cleaning.  following the housekeeper theory it only makes sense that i had to remove the wax from the other side, i didn't want her to see my poor spreading job.  okay maybe that isn't quite the same, but at the time it made sense in my head.

 

after about an hour of chipping away this stupid wax, i was done.  i was left with an area of my body that looked like it was having chemo therapy and my hair was falling out.  a patchy mess.  this is not the image i'm wanting the man i'm seeing to be left with. 

 

the expectations of being a woman in the dating world is dreadful. i have talked about this before, we seem to be in the middle of a trend of removing all of our naturally growing body hair.  i see absolutely no problem with trimming it up, because really who wants to be down in that area when your brain is trying to decide if you are flossing or enjoying yourself, but forcefully and savagely ripping the hair out of my body is extremely unpleasant and only something i will endure when involved with someone.  i see no good reason to forgo that pain for just me.

 

thankfully the next day i got my "situation" taken care of.  i have learned a valuable lesson, one i hope you have learned as well.