a couple of random funnies...

okay i have a  couple of little stories.  one is a little story about someone who reads my endless babble that i call my blog.  the other is an example of why women get labeled crazy. 

story #1
on thursday, november 1st i was really, really frustrated.  i wrote a little entry titled "give me".  it went on and on about givers and takers.  if you haven't read this i think you should, it will give you some background on my perspective.  in a nutshell it says...

givers are always going to give and takers are always going to take

 

i believe this wholeheartedly.  we are hardwired either one way or another.  in my opinion there is no middle ground.  so i was having an interaction that went something like this...

 

 

Other human:  can I make you coffee?
Me: you don’t know how to make coffee, because you don’t drink coffee, but thank you for the offer.

Other human:  I’m just trying to be a taker instead of a giver

Me:  you got that wrong you are supposed to be giving instead of taking, but this is exactly my point. 

did you giggle just a bit?  i giggled when this happened.  i simply couldn't help myself.  there was something hugely gratifying about making my point without having to do a thing.

story #2
several weeks ago, at least three, i unexpectedly stayed the night somewhere.  i wasn't drunk, i wasn't trying to get laid or anything like that, it was just late and i didn't feel like driving.  to further my point that i wasn't trying to get laid, i was having my period (there is no point in trying to disguise what it is) and he had just had a man procedure.  you get the picture, there was absolutely no "hooking up", it was purely innocent.  anyway, since i hadn't planned on staying there i borrowed a pair of boxers and a tshirt to sleep in. 

since then i have been trying to return these two articles of clothing. i made it real clear that all i wanted to do was return these two items, nothing more.  all my attempts went unanswered.  time for plan b, i text are you going to make me become one of those crazy women who tracks you down and makes a scene in front of your friends to return your things?  well that got his attention  i will call you tomorrow.  uh huh.  as i figured he didn't call.  so i went and dropped them off, where i knew he would be with his friends.  i didn't make a scene, just dropped them off.  in and out...lickety split.

attention men you cannot blame women entirely for being crazy.  i think that you men contribute to some of the crazy.  for the record i think all women are crazy, but there is a scale of crazy and it just depends on where you fall.  i try to stay at the end of "just crazy enough to make it seamlessly through the day" as opposed to the other end which is "batshit crazy".  if this fella had to explain why in the world some girl was dropping off his skivvies this is not my issue.  i gave him every opportunity to do this exchange in private, but he made an alternative choice.

anyway, a couple of funnies.  that's all i've got for the day. 

cheers

 

authentic self fail...

 i'm not sure how many of y'all are on a dating website.  probably not many.  my suggestion is you shouldn't, they are crazy.  however i am because i am crazy.  anyway, at the bottom of my profile where you are supposed to say what you would like to do on a first date i have the following whatever we decide to do just be yourself because that is who i am going to be.  may sound silly, but i don't want a show, i want your authentic self.

recently i met a fella to watch the seahawks game.  now i love football and i don't have tv so this was totally cool with me.  i knew pretty early on that this dude was a no go.  bullet points sound fun, let's list them and then i will tell you why...

• drank too much
• swore too much
• chewed

 

drank too much  the game we were watching was a before noon, early in the day game.  as we all know i am a huge beer fan, but not for breakfast.  this fella was putting them back like it was last call.  he commented i take it you're not a big drinker?  which i replied well i do like my beer but it is breakfast time, i'm still working on my coffee.

 

swore too much  i think we are aware of how much i enjoy conversation.  i was unaware that i needed to put a qualifier on this.  i enjoy conversation that is thoughtful, intelligent and without the "f-word" as your adjective for any and every thing.  the sentence structure that goes like this f this and f that and mother f-er is not going to work for me.  he commented you don't swear do you?  well i do, but it is usually when i am really mad or when i have injured myself in some way. 

 

chewed  this isn't a deal breaker for me, but if i have my choice i'm going to go with the guy that doesn't have a tobacco addiction.  let's say you have identical twin brothers, they are both good looking, have a great sense of humor, blah, blah, blah all the attributes you are looking for and attracted too, but one brother chews and the other doesn't.  i'm going to choose the one that doesn't.  i commented you chew?  he replied yeah, is that a problem? while he is spitting into a cup.  i gave him the spiel i just said.  i don't think he cared for my answer.

 

as the game progressed and i was more interested in football than this fella he kept trying to get me to sit closer to him. 

 

come sit by me

no thanks, i'm good

but i want you to sit by me

no thanks and you are kind of bossy

is that a problem

yeah, i can make my own choices

 

clearly this is not a match made in heaven, although i do appreciate that he didn't camouflage who he really is.  i stayed for the whole game. i like football.  as i departed i told him  i don't think i am the girl for you, but thank you for the opportunity to meet you.  my message was received with a blank stare and a yeah, you too. 

 

in this crazy world called dating, i have learned that i am really good at first dates.  i have been on more first dates than i care to recount.  it is the second date part i struggle with.  there needs to be a connection on many different levels for me to consider a second date.  i don't really want to waste anyones time, including my own. 

a gross misconception...

i love getting into conversations with people, seeing different perspectives, points of view, and angles.  there are so many factors that help shape our thoughts and opinions; upbringing, culture, and/or religious influence, that you rarely find two people with the exact some opinion on something.  sometimes i am engaged in a conversation that sticks with me and keeps me pondering.  i had one of those conversations over the weekend.

pretty girls like to be treated like shit

 

this statement is what started the conversation.  i did not agree and was quick to share my thoughts and attempt to stamp out this incorrect cliche.  i don't think that this is "pretty girl" thing, i think this is a human thing.

 

i truly believe that we are creatures of habit and get used to being treated a certain way.  it isn't so much that we like it, it is just normal and falls within our comfort zone.  when we happen to get involved with someone who treats us different it pushes us beyond that comfort zone and we don't know how to receive, process and enjoy it.  of course i had examples from my own experiences to share and further my point.

time to share a little story that i haven't shared before.  i do in fact have stories that are new.  anyway, i was in the process of getting to know someone who i liked but something about him made me really uncomfortable.  funny to use like and uncomfortable in the same sentence but bare with me.  he was really nice, almost too nice.  he went out of his way, really out of his way, to do things for me.  although it was really flattering i didn't understand or know how to process it.  ultimately i panicked and disappeared.  i know, not a very grown up thing to do, but i can't change it now.

 

i am so used to being the one steering that being the passenger proved to be too much.  silly?  probably.  could i have learned to adjust to being the passenger?  possibly.  i can hear my friend steve in my ear saying heather, it didn't work because all the little things didn't line up. it wasn't because he was too nice.  is he right?  probably, there were other things that didn't line up, for me, but i never shared them with him.  unfair?  definitely.

am i contradicting myself?  not entirely.  it was all so over the top in my eyes.  i was so unaccustomed to the way he was treating me that all the other little things seem to be a bigger deal than they might have been.  does that make any sense?  so i guess the real question is how does one get used to being treated a different way?  a healthy positive way.

i can tell you for me i tend to be very teenager-y in my reaction to a man ooh he likes me.  he's paying attention to me.  he's so dreamy.  okay maybe not the dreamy part, but i think you get what i am saying.  i want to have all those teenager emotions about "love" because let's face it they feel good, but manage the relationship in a grown up way.  in a way that both parties are getting what they need, are being treated with respect and priority, and seriously can't wait to see each other again.  is that really too much to ask for? 

so back to the original conversation starter, since i seem to have ping ponged all over on this one.  i disagree with the statment that pretty girls like to be treated like shit.  actually that seems to be a silly thing to say in general, nobody really likes to be treated like shit.  i seriously think it is more of just being used to being treated like shit, which in my humble opinion says there are a lot of dudes out there who don't understand how to treat ladies. 



royal d-bag...

have you ever met someone who is so offensive that you want to punch them?  one, i am not easily offended, it takes a whole heck of a lot to get under my skin.  two, i am not a violent person but there seems to be a small selection of knuckleheads that need to be knocked around a bit.  i had the unfortunate pleasure of conversing with one such human who joined our table because he knew some of the other people in the group.  it was seriously all i could do to stay in my seat and not strangle the fella.

he describes himself as an entrepreneur.  my interpretation from the words he chose to explain his occupation i'm a big fat slacker and refuse to conform to traditional ways to stay employed and be a productive member of our society.  what would lead me to this conclusion?  this is a human that flounders from odd job to odd job, professing that he could never work for anyone that he is better suited to be his own boss.

at one point he asked me what's with the scarf and turtleneck?  my somewhat bitchy alter ego shouted in my head i'm not here to hook up with my friends so i didn't slut it up tonight.  instead i replied it's winter and i'm cold.  i really wasn't in the mood to egg him on.  why in the world he felt the need to question my choice of attire is beyond me, but whatever. 

somehow the group got into a discussion about being single.  this gem of a human spouted out i choose to be single so i can take my mirror off my wall and cut coke whenever i feel like it.  i almost sprayed my adult beverage on my friends across the booth.  who says stuff like that?  at one point he got really crazy and started talking about marriage and dowries and that the only reason for them was to buy your very own vagina.  that in this day and age you can get a vagina anywhere and there is no reason for marriage.

there was one fella at the table, the boyfriend of one of my good friends, who had never met this stellar human.  he had attempted to rationally talk about why he thought people married in this day and age (because we as humans want to share our lives with another human).  well this stellar human, under his breath, proceeded to tell the boyfriend that he wasn't good looking enough for his girlfriend.  i'm surprised the boyfriend stayed calm. 

as the evening was winding down early, because we were done with this person's contribution to the evening, we headed out to our cars.  the smokers of the group quickly pulled out their gear and generously offered them to the rest of the group.  i politely declined.  again this human felt the need to stir things up oh come on have one.  to make my point really clear i shared that i haven't ever smoked anything i'm not going to start now.  his response no wonder i don't like you, you don't do drugs.  are you freaking kidding me?   

well, as i have learned in my 36 years on this planet, it takes all kinds to make the world go round.  interacting with humans of this quality is a good reminder on why it is so important to think about what you say before letting the words escape your mouth.  although i appreciate his candor and the fact that he is completely comfortable being an a-hole, there is a way to get the same point across without being so obtuse.

my lifespan...

i don't know who you are anymore...

 

have you ever had someone, anyone, tell you this?  it usually comes from someone who you are or have been really close to.  someone who you planned on spending your life with.  a best friend you met in kindergarten and then you go to middle school and start experimenting with different things.  your roommate in college that moves forward as a grown up and you stay just as you are a frat boy.  your husband that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with in front of the people who mean the most to you and find out that you can't keep that promise. 

 

clearly i have heard this before.  my initial response is i am the same person.  but am i really?  i have been thinking about this a lot today.  since i can't make sense of the swirling words in my head i figured i would do what i always do...write.  i know that i am different as an adult then when i was a little girl.  that is just a given, but in my adult life have i changed that much?

 

from the time i was 18 (the official age of adulthood) until i was 32 (the official age of "turn your life upside") i had the same man in my life.  i was a dutiful wife and mother.  i had a role.  i played it well.  from 32 to present time i have found a voice i didn't know i had.  i share opinions i was unaware i possessed.  i believe in myself more than i have before. 

do those things make me a different person?  or is it just the simple fact of growing up and discovering your authentic self that makes you appear to be different?  could it be that the statement isn't really a reflection on who i am but more a statement of you aren't who i need anymore?  is this to say that eventually all humans we interact with will have a lifespan? 

i have no answers, because as you know i am on a journey.  the same journey we all take, life.  i do think that our relationships change, they grow just as we do.  i don't think that people have a lifespan, but that we have to bend.  learn how to adjust to the evolving position that person holds. 

at 36 i think i am virtually the same smiley, outgoing, laugh out loud girl i have always been.  i feel i hold the same values, morals and beliefs that i was raised with.  however, i think i express myself differently than i have in my prior years and that may seem to some as drastic change.  enough change that i am unrecognizable, but i think i am just getting started.  {cheeky wink}

 

 

176 days ago...

the stars from my tiny window are beautiful.  flying at night is very peaceful. my skyline remains still except for a sudden flash.  a white blur that lasts only seconds.  witnessing one such flash is amazing but to see two within minutes of each other is just short of a miracle.  below the gray haze cities and towns illuminate the earths floor.  whichever state i am over now the haze has dissipated, small clusters of lights are visible and even smaller pinpoint of light connect the clusters.  it is wondrous to see the infrastructure from above.  i wish i knew where i was,, it is  12:30 am, i'm close to halfway. 

i was on a flight from seattle to philadelphia.  on my way to meet a friend.  yes a man friend.  this is probably the single craziest thing i have done in my dating career. 

i'm anxious with anticipation to meet him.  will he be kind and respectful?  will the conversation flow easily?  will it be awkward?  will i recognize him right away?  will he recognize me?  will i be able to relax, turn off my brain and just be in the moment?  will all the stress of the trip be worth it?  i will never have found the answer if i hadn't at least tried.  whatever happens i will know that i didn't chicken out, that i didn't sit back and say it's too complicated.  this is living.

i found this entry in my notes app on my super smart, smart phone.  reading this all of the anxiety and memories from that trip come rushing back.  it started and ended with immense anxiety and unknowns.  the middle of the trip was superb and exciting.  seems strange that it was only 176 days ago, i feel like it has been an eternity.  guess this is a testament to how quickly life goes by.

 

 

here is one of the only photos i have of the trip.  this is a really out of character photo of myself, but we had been challenged to produce an unexpected photo by our friends and here is what we came up with.  

m.i.a....

well as some may have noticed i have been mia...right in the middle of my thankful posts.  i was bored with the whole thing, but that isn't why i've stopped the posts.  the real reason, my life took an unexpected turn that has consumed my time.  it went kind of like this...

ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling

 

i opened my eyes looked at my phone and it is my boss.  look at the time 11:00pm.  in my drowsiness i'm thinking he has accidentally butt dialed me, so naturally i text him

 

me: did you just call me at 11:00 at night?

boss man:  yes, and i need you to call me back

 

hmm...wow okay.  so i wipe the sleep out of my eyes and call the boss man.

 

me:  hey there what's going on?

boss man:  our office is burning down.

 

 

 

so there you go, this is the catastrophic event that has consumed my time.  as most of you know i work for a small legal firm, small meaning there are three of us, this is the kind of thing that can destroy a small business.  however we have persevered, temporarily relocated and are plunging forward.  as you can imagine there is lots to be done which leaves me completely and utterly exhausted by the end of the day.  i just haven't had the energy to sit down and tap out a thankful post. 



 

anyway, life is getting back to normal just in time for the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. 

 





 

 

the karma king...

do you ever have one of those mornings where you say i give up!  no?  dang.  well i had one of those mornings today.  apparently i have caused someone some grief because the karma king is ticked and reprimanding me big time.  all i have to say is karma king, i hear you loud and clear.  i'm raising my white flag, you win. 

actually my early morning was fantastic.  well, wait i am remembering a small clue to how my day was going to go.  as some of you know i make my own creamer.  not always sometimes i am lazy, but during the winter months when i am packing on my protective layer making my own less fatty creamer is a must.  anyway, i went to pour it in my mug this morning and it was super thick and kind of glopped out into my mug.  nastafrast!  instead of going the half-n-half and sugar route i poured my coffee over the extra thick creamer, grabbed a spoon to stir it together and drank it anyway.  i should've known at this moment that the morning was going to be rough.

i killed a ton of time, a little too much time, catching up on my virtual games before getting in the shower.  now i have a shower head that comes away from the wall and has a hose so you can spray the suds out of your tub.  you thought i was going to explain a different reason didn't you?  anyways, i pull the shower curtain back, turn on the water and engage the shower.  seems harmless and routine right?  well the shower head mysteriously was turned towards the shower curtain which means i got blasted in the face with freezing cold, leftover from the previous shower, water in the hose.  aah!

my shower proceeded without incident.  i am the only person in my household who showers with any regularity.  i am fairly lazy and toss my towel over the shower rod to dry.  i have learned, the hard way, that my kids do not move my towel when they happen to shower.  since they are munchkins they do not block all the water from the shower head.  i am all wet and go to dry off, my towel that hangs on the inside of the shower is soaking wet.  at this point i remember that my daughter showered the previous evening, hence the wet towel and adjusted shower head.

the rest of the morning rush was similar to a morning drill at boot camp.  short of yelling drop and give me ten soldier i barked out commands at a volume meant for outdoors.  i really did try to gain my composure and recover through a gritted smile, but my ratchets were being incredibly unmotivated turtles.  they proceeded through their morning as if this was their first time going to school.  ugh!

we got in the car (late), me without a lunch (again), and i was in the midst of apologizing for my ridiculous uncomposed behavior when...shit! escaped my mouth.  i swear i had a megaphone secretly implanted inside of my mouth overnight.  i had just spilled half of my coffee all over my coat.  before you even ask, no i don't use a travel mug.  i don't really care for them, but on a morning like today i should've used one.  since i was running late i didn't have a chance to walk my kids into school, i barely slowed down to a complete stop so they could jump, tuck and roll out of the car.  i like to think of this as undercover agent  training.  as far as i'm concerned it is never too early to learn these valuable skills.

let's see by my calculations this is three things that have gone awry; gloppy creamer, blast of water in the face, and sopping wet towel.  if you want to call my drill sergeant interpretation and undercover agent training then we are up to five.  i told you i really pissed off the karma king and he wasn't done.  i'm driving to work still sipping my coffee, but my hand is permanently stuck to my mug due to the sticky gloppy creamer when a very loud ting startles me.  a new window ding, great.  thankfully it wasn't a rock the size of a boulder, but pretty darn close.  now if i had a white towel, tshirt, underwear or bra i would've started waving it out my window hoping that the karma king could see that i've surrendered.  instead i blipped about my ridiculously bad morning.

this evening after my wonderful ratchets have laid their adorable heads on their mountains of pillows and drift away to happy nappy land, i'm going to try this miracle mask that is supposed to destress my skin.  it is only for my face, but i might slather my whole body in it.  lord knows i need it.

The Miracle Mask from www.collegefashion.net

Photo Credit

This DIY mask, made of nutmeg, honey, and cinnamon, is calming and soothing for stressed-out skin – in addition, it smells absolutely amazing!
The secret? Nutmeg and honey act as natural anti-inflammatories, which can reduce swelling and redness in skin. They’re also great for soothing acne scars and preventing infection. In addition, the nutmeg and cinnamon also work to exfoliate your skin when you wash this mask off.
Before you begin, it’s always a good idea to do a small test with homemade mixes on your skin to make sure you don’t have a bad reaction to any ingredients. So remember to do a quick patch test on sensitive skin, like that on the inside of your wrist, before applying this mask to your face.

To create the mask, mix 2 tablespoons of honey with a teaspoon of cinnamon and a teaspoon of nutmeg. The consistency should be like a thick paste. After it’s all mixed, apply the mask to your face and let it sit for 30 minutes. Wash it off with warm water, scrubbing softly in circular motion for exfoliation.

j is for J...

if you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be very familiar with this human, J.  i fell hard for J and obviously that didn't pan out.  we had our falling out, then we patched things up and now we are friends.  he is a forever friend.   i am very thankful to have J in my life.  in whatever capacity that is.

wine vs. whiskey...

over the weekend i went to this event with my sister as my date.  why in the world would a self proclaimed beer drinker go to a wine and whiskey night?  the obvious answer...men!  the other answer is, i'm trying to get out a little more and do grown up things with my sister. 

me: hey sis, want to go to a wine and whiskey tasting

sis: yeah, details so i can clear my schedule

....discussing details....

me: i don't think i like whiskey

sis: me either

me: oh well, we will have fun anyway

 

there was lots of discussion on what to wear.  i'm not sure why, but as i am forever getting older, finding the right attire is getting more difficult.  jeans were out, we were dressing for an event.  cocktail gowns seemed a bit too much.  so what does that leave you with?  i had a dress in mind, it was sleeveless, somewhat sexy but i was going to wear boots instead of hooker heels thinking this would tone it down.  i had to scratch my first outfit due to the fact that my arms are riddled with bruises and i look like i should be taking refuge in a women's shelter.  a heap of options later i decided to go pretty basic; lace and leather.

 

i needed a man's opinion, my son's opinion wasn't cutting it, but he did snap my picture.  which i quickly forwarded to "t-to-the-y".  according to my son he dresses like a fashion model because he wears black boots.  what better person to get an opinion from, right?  along with my picture was the does this work?  i was looking for a yes, or maybe a looks to office-y, instead i got is that a trick question?  a few texts later, it was decided that it was going to work, it was age appropriate, and not too office-y.  phew.

 

sis and i decided to prefunk, this is something grown ups do, have a drink prior to a drinking event.  i got to the destination before her, she was stuck in traffic, so i grabbed the last seat at the bar, which happened to be next to a nicely dressed handsome man.  you can always tell the out of town business man so i asked him where he was from and the basic small talk.  he says to me you look to be about my daughter's age. she just got married last week.   in my head i was thinking, must be a second marriage, but i inquired about the wedding and the age of his daughter.  he said the wedding was great, like he was going to admit anything else, and showed me pictures, then said he was daughter was 26.   hot damn...i'm doing alright.

 

sis and i made it to the event, where each course (there were 5) was paired with two wines and two whiskeys and you had to judge which beverage paired best with the food.  we took a very logical approach, taking one of each, drinking half and swapping.  we both had to drive for heaven's sakes we had to stay legal and remember we are grown ups.  i can hear my friend artifice saying safety first in all caps and multiple exclamation points.

overall the event was fun.  the food was marginal.  the crowd was fun, although sis and i decided there wasn't anyone we would go home with.  the wine was alright and i can confirm that i don't care for whiskey. 

so a little info, i heard about this event through a company called mandeals.  they are kind of like a groupon, but cater the specials towards things that men like.  check it out, there is some good stuff www.mandeals.com  my favorite beverage of the night goes to www.drinksoundspirits.com this is not a whiskey or a wine company, this is vodka and gin.  i really liked the graphics and bottle design. i'm such a sucker for packaging. 

swimming with sharks...

does this graphic make you cringe?  it should.  i know.  i know.  look who's calling the kettle black?   as we all know i have been princess peach, not something i am terribly proud of, but i can't take it back now.

i can however not be in this position again.  but...did you feel that but coming?  how do you know if someone is really single, unattached, and available for you?

several months ago i was belly up to a bar, a handsome gentlemen (without a ring, i always look) sat next to me.  we chatted and eventually i found out that he indeed was sort of with a woman.  i wrote about this knowing my limits.  you might be surprised to know that i exchanged numbers with this taken man.  i had no intentions of starting any type of relationship, romantic or otherwise with this man, which i made very clear, but he was interesting and you just never know when you might need someone's expertise.

the other night i was at an event with my sister.  there was a gentleman there with really nice eyes and no ring.  i made the mistake of sharing this info with my sis.  she proceeded to jot down my number, march across the room and deliver it to the gentleman with the nice eyes.  low and behold he called, but not for what you think.  he called to tell me that he is recently seperated (recently like two weeks ago recently) and we should reconnect in six months or so.  uh, thank you for the call.

as i have shared before (the post this was a first is a good example), just because a gentleman happens to be on a dating website does not mean he is single.  i have encountered more than once a married man looking for a little action on the side to "spice things ups".  seriously?  not something i want to be a part of.  i am not interested in being number two to your wife or contributing to the break up of your marriage.

as much as the graphic makes me cringe, it is very possible that this can happen without you even realizing it.  we can only rely on the information that is presented to us.  unless the human you are dealing with has an iota of integrity and is honest, they may very well be in a relationship and choose to omit that tidbit.  sometimes interacting with humans is like climbing into shark infested waters.

as far as i can tell there is no formula for figuring out someone's availability.  in my book either you are available or not, but there seems to be a lot of gray areas.  there is dating but not exclusive, married but open to new adventures, you're straight up single completely unattached, and i'm sure others that i can't begin to decipher.  the best advice i have is don your chainmail suit and tread carefully.

just be a bitch...

in the midst of a text conversation with my sister, the words true colors can take some time to reveal was exchanged.  i had text this to my sister and she replied tru dat.  oh yes we channel our inner ghetto every now and then.  i should have replied word but i'm not always on top of my game.

anyway, this has got me thinking.  i know i have touched on this before and i'm feeling the need to talk about it again.  why?  well frankly i'm tired of all the bullshit.  it is exhausting to meet people who aren't who they say they are.  why in the world do people do this?  i am of the belief that you can only carry on a charade for so long and eventually who you really are starts to leach out.

i guess what i am saying is if you are a bitch then be a bitch.  if you are an asshole then be straight up about being an asshole.  if you are looking for money be honest about it.  if you are a control freak great, but don't mask that characteristic with some fluffy word that makes you sound softer.  there is someone for everyone, the bitch will find a man who needs a domineering woman.  an asshole will find a woman who does best serving her man and taking orders with little regard to how she is treated.  if you are a gold digger and want to be taken care of, well good news there are men who want to shower a woman with gifts.  and guess what if you are a control freak there is someone out there who can't function without step by step instructions for life.  see someone for everyone.

now to be fair, i am not perfect and i don't always do the things that i preach.  yes occasionally a flashing neon hypocrite sign hovers over my head.  as far as i know i am the only who actually sees the sign.  i haven't asked for confirmation on this, but i'm pretty sure it is just me. 

anyway, as i was saying, just be up front with you are.  it is so much easier and you waste less time.  i am an over sharer and know that i give too much info from the get go, but i would rather let someone know what they are getting into so they have the option of whether they want to join the party or not.  it seems silly to me to hide certain aspects of yourself, let someone become invested in you and then change your tune.

what's my tune?  for the sake of honesty i am on a quest for love and continually put myself out there hoping that something clicks and sticks.  however, i have a strong tendency to avoid and disappear when i am overwhelmed or not sure how to proceed.  i am not great at sharing my feelings with the important people in my life especially with my own voice, but i think i am getting better at this.  if you are alright with me slipping you a note about my feelings we might be a good match. *wink*

i'm broken...

have you ever used the phrase i'm broken?  this is not a reference to your physical state, but more a reference to one's emotional state.  i have.  i can tell you for a long time i actually believed this.  who in the world would want me?  i come with so much luggage i can't carry it without one of those airport carts.  yep, that is a lot of baggage. 

i recently had a conversation with a male friend who used these words i'm broken?  i wanted to know what that meant to him, so obviously i asked what does that mean?   i was curious if a males perspective of being broken was similar to my females perspective.   turns out it was very similar.

his answer:  you can have my body, but not my heart. 

 

interpretation, my heart has been trampled and then spat on.  i've got walls, booby traps and a female devouring dragon protecting it.  however despite the hardened bravado i can sense a vulnerability peaking through his self made defenses.  i will admit that i have hidden behind this broken shield. using it as another line of defense in the multitude of walls i have built to protect myself.  doing what i can to convince myself and everyone else that i'm not worth the risk. 

isn't it crazy how detrimental our internal dialogue can be?  why do we tell ourselves that we aren't worth the risk, that we are unworthy of love?  i know i am guilty of this, but there are so many people in my life who hear me say this and say hogwash. 

i hope that my friend, the one mentioned above, will realize that he is wonderful exactly the way he is.  change his broken anthem to bruised.  get rid of the dragon, come on that is just scary.  keep some of the booby traps, who doesn't love an obstacle course?  tear down some of the walls, but keep the ones that bury the pain you don't want to revisit again.  lastly let the light shine through and find the warmth that comes from sharing yourself with another, body and heart.

as for me, i don't have that discussion with myself very often, but i definitely slip up occasionally.  i am going to leave you with this thought a dear friend of mine shared me,  when the right person enters your life they will not only look past all of your supposed baggage but help you unpack.

i is for i have no freaking idea...

i am so bored with this. 

can you tell?  

 

 independence

ice cream

itchiness

isolation

iguanas

islands

icicles

igloos

iowa

icky

ivy

it

i

i haven't any idea what to be thankful for that starts with an i.

so i am going to fold. 

h is for humor...

i totally love and appreciate someone who can find humor in the most mundane of things.  actually humor is something i look for when i am entertaining the idea of a man.  the candidate in question has to have a wicked sense of humor.  life is just so much better when you are laughing.

there are people who make a living out of humor.  man i wish i was that funny.  i have a friend that i went to high school with who is a comedian.  how freaking awesome is that?  anyway, he lives in this gloriously sunny place called california and has yet to do a show up here, but one of these days i will see one of his shows.  he has promised to give me one of those creepy hugs, you know the ones that last just a little too long for an acquaintance? 

last night i had a fb conversation with my good friend t-to-the-y.  he is seriously one of the funniest guys i know.  i was poking fun at my ever growing behind and this is how our conversation went...

Ha! You're hot during both seasons... don't sweat it! Nothing wrong with a healthy ass!!  You called me a mofo... I'm seriously laughing my ass off!

Aw thx! You always say the right thing. Do you have a manual?  I did. Made myself laugh...

I do! It's called "how to beat the dumbassery that is the male species for dummies" love all those books!

I can see the manual now...she thinks she's fat..(chapter 5) and unattractive (section 2.2) and will be single forever (subsection c) "you're hot during both seasons...don't sweat it! nothing wrong with a healthy ass!!!" Phew got that covered Best seller I'm sure

Seriously cracking up... maybe we should write a book! We could nail it from all angles!!  Meanwhile.... we are single forever... but we would be rich and single!

I think you've nailed the title!  Rich, single and having a secret love affair with each other because we can't ditch our single hood personas

humor is definitely something to be thankful for.  life is so much more fun when you are laughing.
 

g is for goliath...

okay i have to admit, writing every day about something i am thankful for according to a letter of the alphabet is NOT easy.  there are certain letters i am dreading.  at the moment i can't even tell you which ones they are.  maybe they aren't so scary after all. 

so here we are.  "g"  what is there to be thankful for that starts with a "g"?  the most obvious to me is the fact that i am a girl.  i definitely don't want to be a boy.  there are so many reasons to be thankful for being a girl but there is only one that stands out more than the others.  it has nothing to do with the typical girly things like high heels, sparkles, or fishnets, which i love and am thankful i get to partake in.

the best reason for being a girl is that i don't have a penis.  seriously guys i don't know how you do this everyday.  you seem to be ruled day in and day out by an appendage that has a mind of its own.  there isn't any scientific proof that the penis has a brain separate from the one nestled inside the skull, but maybe the research hasn't been completed?  naming your penis seems to be a common thing (at least in the movies), so for my purposes today i am going to name the imaginary penis i thankfully don't have, goliath, and share my girl's perspective...

goliath is needy 

goliath is easily distracted

goliath can sometimes be shy

goliath needs to be adjusted frequently

 

i understand that the trade off is having the dreaded period, but fellas this is a once a month occurrence not a daily affair.  keeping goliath satisfied seems like a never ending task.  yes, i am thankful to be a girl for all its "ups and downs".

f is for f-words...

trying to narrow down a specific "f" thing is difficult.  there are many f-words to be thankful for.  ha ha, that sounded dirty for a moment.  focus flo.  ha, there are a couple more f-words.  seriously focus.  let's see there is friendship, family, food, football, and feathers.  wait, i am not thankful for feathers.

i could go on and on making silly jokes about this, that and the other, but the f-word i am most thankful for is fresh starts.  without a fresh start i wouldn't be on this incredible journey.  without fresh starts i would stuck and stagnant.  i can't think of anything more rewarding than the opportunity of a fresh start. 

e is for emotions...

 

as most of you know i am a highly charged emotional being.  some may see me as an emotional cutter.  or maybe someone who has a flair for the dramatics.  often times it appears that i am riding an emotional roller coaster.  all of the statements and thoughts are true to some extent.

 

here is my philosophy, i would rather have extreme highs, the lowest of lows and the blissful ease of a plateau than nothing at all.  i would rather feel every pain, every joy, and every bore than be void of and numb to any or all emotions.

so call me what you will, i am okay with it.  at least you know that i am not an emotionless statue.

peep show...

elaine’s christmas card

Posted on December 9, 2007 | 3 Comments

elaines Christmas card – (related terms: nip) 1. Christmas card with elaine’s picture that accidentally shows her nipple after missing a button on her shirt 2. photo taken by Kramer. 3. sent to hundreds of people including her parents, boss, nana and papa, super in her building, mailman, ten year old nephew, Sister Mary Catherine, Father Chelios, and her boyfriend. 4. quote: “You know your whole life you go through painstaking efforts to hide your nipple and BOOM, suddenly hundreds of people get their own personal shot of it.” 5. episode: The Pick

this was pulled from a website called theseinfelddictionary.com 

does anyone remember this episode?  i was not a huge seinfeld watcher, but i remember this episode clearly.  unfortunately this is fresh in my mind from a recent family picture session.  oh yes there is a story here.

recently the kids and i had our pictures taken with one of my absolute favorite photographers ever, kaylee eylander.  i met her several years ago through an old neighbor who was operating a boutique in lake stevens.  since i've met her kaylee's business has blossomed and i will probably never be able to afford her if i ever get married again, but hey a girl can dream.  anyway, like i was saying she took our pictures about a week ago.

so i need to back up a minute to give you some background, this will make my story and the horror much clearer.  over the summer my son decided to stop wearing underwear.  i know, he is only nine and has decided that free balling is the way to go.  seeing as how i am woman and not a man i don't understand this concept.  all i can really relate this too is not wearing a bra and i'm thinking that all droopy things need some support.

i discovered this while doing laundry.  i was folding at least 82 loads of laundry, when i noticed that ash had at least 15 bottoms but no underwear.  i said dude, do you see a problem here?  he scanned the piles of folded clothes and said no.  i pointed out that he had lots of pants and shorts but no underwear.  he simply stated i stopped wearing them.  what?  he explains i only wear sweats and it's an extra step, so i just stopped wearing them.  hmmm....not really sure how i feel about this being his mom, but okay.

if you've ever had pictures taken, finding the perfect outfits is time consuming.  in my opinion you don't want to be matchy matchy but coordinated.  in an attempt to be thrifty i wanted to use clothes that we already have.  so i started laying out options.  we went with a gray, cream and purple color scheme.  picture day and everyone's clothes are ironed and laid out ready to throw on the last minute.

pictures go off without a hitch.  we wore stick on mustaches for part of them, because why not?  kaylee took shots of all of us together and then myself with each one of my kids individually.  we stood for some sat for others.  a typical photo shoot.

at the end of our session i was chatting with kaylee when i noticed something.  i was looking at my son, who was dutifully wearing the outfit i picked out for him (jeans, a cream shirt, and his romeos), but his zipper was down.  dude your zipper is down.  i only got a shrug of the shoulders in return.  i'm sure i rolled my eyes at him.  we are experts in nonverbal communication.  then i asked are you wearing underwear?  another shrug of the shoulders with a no.

do you see where i'm going with this?

if you are wearing jeans, sit down.  now unzip your pants.  what happens?  the zipper part opens like a frog mouth.  i'm guessing you are wearing underwear, but imagine if you weren't.  oh my gosh my family pictures are like elaine's nipple exposing christmas card, instead of a nipple we have a little show happening in my son's pants.

there are several things i know for certain about my son.  one being he is very literal.  when i tell him go put on your picture outfit it's on my bed, he will put exactly what i put out.  i did not have underwear laid out but come on this should be a given, right? 

anyway, i haven't seen the pictures but i'm sure if there is a wardrobe malfunction kaylee with photoshop that right out after a few hearty giggles.  i think this goes without saying i'm keeping my fingers crossed that there wasn't any photoshopping required. 

d is for dryers...

hauling water.  heating the water over a wood stove in your kitchen.  hauling the water back out to your wash basin.  scrubbing your clothes up and down the washboard.  wringing the articles of clothes out.  then pinning them to your clothesline to dry. 

modern conveniences like dishwashers, clothes washers, refrigerators, microwaves, electric or gas stoves, and especially dryers.  i am thankful for all of them, but dryers might make the top of the modern convenience list.

this may sound like a strange thing to be thankful for, but my very best friend, shreddie, has lived the last several years without a dryer.  what?  why?  well shreddie and her family have been living overseas and dryers are a luxury, they haven't been fortunate enough yet to live in a place that has a dryer.

can you even imagine?  i know there are folks out there who choose to line dry their clothes, but that is not what i am talking about.  for the last two years shreddie lived in belarus.  if you are a lame-o like me, this is by russia.   picture this, it's lets say october, your heat still hasn't been turned on by the government, you wash your jeans and then hang them in your designated drying area.  how many days do you think it takes to dry jeans without heat in your home?  try about three days.  after those three days you have stiff as a board, can stand up on their own clean jeans.  ouch.

for the next three years shreddie is in turkmenistan.  if you are a lame-o like me, this is by iran.  all i really know is that this is a "stan" country that is sandy and she is 10 miles from the border of iran.  she has been there since the end of august.  i got to skype with her for the first time today!  yahoo.  i was actually surprised to learn that she doesn't have a dryer.  i live a very sheltered life compared to shreddie and i honestly had no clue that dryers were so rare outside of the states.  anyway, she was commenting on how using towels after the shower was like drying off with sandpaper.  uh...ouch!

so today i am very thankful for my dryer.  not only does my dryer make my clothes dry lickety split, it softens them and if i hang them up fast enough i don't have to iron them. 

c is for catholics...

i should talk about my cat.  that starts with a c, but his name is oscar.  he was a gift to my kids for valentines day a few years back.  i prefer cats over dogs, but most of the time my cat is just another thing to take care of.  he is demanding (must be fed at 6:00 am), bothersome (always wants to sit on my lap when i have my book there) and full of back talk (he is always meowing at me for no reason).  sorry cat you do not make the cut.

i could say chocolate.  lots of humans, seems to be mostly women, love their chocolate.  almost to the point of obsession.  there is supposed health benefits to chocolate.  it is said to be an aphrodisiac, although i'm not sure it works for me.  on top of it all it tastes delicious.  however, chocolate isn't going to make the cut either.

i am thankful for my coffee.  i have shared my love affair with my cup of joe extensively.  there isn't anything much better than that first sip of coffee in the morning.  i look forward to it every single day.  however i think i have covered my coffee adoration enough.

c is for catholics.

no i'm just kidding. 

chapstick.  i have a small addiction to chapstick. i'm hesitant to call it an addiction, leaves a bad taste in my mouth, but i think my need for chapstick qualifies as an addiction.  i am partial to the burt's bees maroon cap, but i have all kinds in all places; pockets, desk drawer, purse, nightstand pretty much everywhere. 

 

my good friend steve, shared with me that my addiction to chapstick is created because the chapstick actually dries my lips out which makes me use it more.  well i don't really care.  i love how it feels when i put it on.  my lips feel luscious, moist and plump.  who doesn't love that? 

 

anyway, today i am thankful for my chapstick.  it may seem silly, but i would be lost without it close by.  just as my love affair with coffee, chapstick is a close second in the heirarchy of importance.

 



b is for bras...

 

 

every single woman of every age who has breasts, gargantuan or minuscule, should be wearing a bra.  i'm so glad we are not in the burning your bra feminist movement.  in my opinion there is nothing comfortable about swinging, bouncing pendulous bosoms. 

 

i am most thankful to my bras.  the ugly ones and the pretty ones.  the ugly ones provide much needed lift and false volume.  the pretty ones entice the fellas to take them off.  oh wait, the last statement is false. 

this is about i all have to say about bras.  maybe i should've come up with some other "b" word to be thankful for like babies, or baboons, or belly dancers, or birthdays, or boys, or baklava.  ah who am i kidding, i am not thankful for any of those things, just my bras.

 

a is for april...

 

november is typically a month that people feel the need to share just how thankful they are.  why we don't feel the need to do this every month, i don't know, but november is the designated month.  i'm sure all you scholarly people can direct to me to places in our history that will enlighten me as to why, but i don't have that much time. 

 

anyway, i thought i would jump on the bandwagon and share each day of the month of november something i am thankful for.  in an attempt to keep this lighthearted and entertaining i thought i would base each day on a letter of the alphabet.  yes i see that i am going to run short since there are more days than letters but i will figure something out by the end.  these posts may not be long, but you might learn something about me. 

 

april

 

my sister april gets to start off my month of thankful posts.  i am 18 months older and we are night and day different.  i swear we would get along better if we had had separate bathrooms growing up.  as we get older we are finding more common ground.  i may not always say it but i really do love my sister.

 

there are so many funny stories i could share about our childhood but i'm going to keep it to one.  this one story really demonstrates just how different we are.  i am a rule follower to the a "t", my sister is a rule breaker. 

 

during the summer, when we were old enough to stay at home alone, my sister and i would fight like siblings often do.  which meant one of us would call mom at work mom!  april is being mean.  she would solve our problem or tell us to stop calling for silly things and we would carry on.  well one time, i'm sure we had called my mom one too many times that day, mom had had enough. 

 

april: mom, heather is being mean

mom: i've had enough.  you girls go to your rooms until i get home

 

our rooms sat adjacent to each, my sister's was at the end of the hall and mine was on the right hand side of the hall.  i can't remember the exact time that we were banished to our rooms, but it was afternoon and mom wasn't due home for at least a couple of hours. 

 

i'm sure there are a lot of kids who would've continued to argue and carry on and when they heard the garage door open dash to their rooms and pretend they had been there for hours.  this is my sister.  not me, i obediently went to my room.  that was the direction from mom and that is what i did. 

 

so there we sat, my sis at her doorway and me at mine, chatting and being friendly towards each other.  every now and then my sis would pipe up mom will never know if we leave our rooms.   which i always replied but that isn't what we were told to do. 

 

i think mom was surprised that we were actually in our rooms when she returned home.  i would be if i found my kids doing what they were told, especially when i wasn't home to monitor.

 

anyway, i am thankful for my sister.  there really isn't anything that compares to having a sister.  i have to admit, i'm glad there is only one of her, she is a fierce woman not to be double crossed. 

 

love you sis



give me....

 

this morning i am really frustrated.  in fact i have muttered the f-word more times in a two hour span than i do in a typical week.  without any specifics i announced my frustration on blip.me.  it seems only fitting that i expunge my frustration in a more articulate way here. 

i think there are two types of people in this world.  there are givers and there are takers.  i haven't run across any human that falls in the middle of these two, but they might be out there.  the givers seem to give freely and the takers take eagerly.  i suppose in the end it balances itself out, but i'm wondering if the giver gets the short end of the stick?

i am a giver.  i give what i have without an expectation in return.  wait, i do have an expectation.  my expectation is that what i give is appreciated.  i will get back to this.  as i was saying, i give because it makes me feel good. 

the taker is taxing on a giver.  i'm not sure if they even realize how much they take.  let me give you an example...

i love to cook.  i love to cook for myself, for others, and just because.  the kitchen is definitely my happy place.  now let's say you and i are dating.  i will cook for you anytime you are in my home, and i will probably cook whatever you ask for if i have the right ingredients.  i do this because i am showing how much i care and maybe hoping the old wives tale a way to a man's heart is through his stomach might be true.  then lets say we go out to dinner, correction he says he is taking you out to dinner, but when it comes time to pay the bill he casually says do you want to split it?  are you freaking kidding me? 

this is the expectation i was referencing above.  i don't necessarily want someone to cook for me, i lose out on my joy of cooking.  however, if you tell me you are taking me out to dinner and then ask me to pay for my own meal i feel like you haven't appreciated all that went into the meals that i have made for you; the time, the money (let's face it groceries aren't cheap) or the effort.

in all fairness to the taker, the giver sets themselves up.  the taker by design is just that, an opportunist so to speak.  they will take advantage of any situation that benefits them; a free meal, a comfy bed, a good time, or a life advancement.  if it means that they save money, they save time, they save face, they save whatever they are on board.  but where does that leave the person who is giving all this to the taker?  in my opinion, the giver is left feeling used.  left feeling under appreciated for their generosity.  left wondering why they put themselves in a one sided situation.  this is what i mean by the giver setting themselves up. 

where does this leave us?  well, the giver is never going to stop giving, it is in their nature to do so.  the same is true for the taker, they will continue to take what is presented.  the taker needs to throw the giver a bone every now and then to show them that their generosity is noticed, welcomed and appreciated.  the giver needs to grow a spine and teach the taker what their expectation is.  but even then it's not always cake and cookies, sometimes there just isn't a remedy.