there is something that i need to address. i hear from several friends don't be so hard on yourself. i can see how anyone who reads my thoughts would get the impression that i am an "emotional cutter", carefully choosing an inconspicuous place on my stretch marked canvas to make my next cut. precisely carving an intricate web of hate and doubt just to watch the pain oozing from my skin. someone who finds great pleasure in bringing herself down.
this truly isn't the case. i have chosen this format, albeit very public, simply to clear my head. i have always been one to keep journals write what is on my mind. sometimes those journals are a spiral notebook, an actual journal that has been purchased from a store, a napkin, the back of a receipt, what have you i write on it all. i feel that i am better at explaining myself through written word than speaking the words. i can place my thought permanently on a surface, where as speaking out loud the words float away from my mouth and dissipate into thin air. i don't always feel like i hear myself when the words are spoken and until i write them down those words swirl around in my brain trying to come together in a cohesive statement.
i want to clearly state that i do not put my thoughts here for validation or to be lifted up by others. i am on a journey of self discovery and welcome every emotion, every set back, every leap forward. i don't spend a great deal of time in those dark places but i think that they do help me understand my triggers. understanding what makes me upset and what brings me joy helps me be a better friend, sibling, daughter, mother, lover, and partner.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
ass-u-me
so i talked recently about assuming. assuming gets one in trouble. assuming is unfair to the other party. assuming is just plain stupid and i for one should stop doing it. when one starts assuming that the other knows what you are thinking, knows that you have ideas about your future, knows your hopes, dreams, aspirations, and you haven't actually shared them then a break down happens.
assuming is different from hinting. hinting is when you skirt all around the actual issue, idea, or what you would like to see happen, where as assuming is your are expecting the other party to read your mind. in hinting you have vocalized in a round about sort of way what you are wanting, but assuming you are hoping the other person has xray vision and can see your thoughts or maybe you think you have a speech bubble that pops over your head for the other person to read. the speech bubble would be really nice, but i have only seen that in printed word not in real life conversation.
assuming will often times lead to a misunderstanding that could have easily been solved with communication. this doesn't always work, because maybe you are communicating in the hinting way and there is still a misunderstanding. here is what i know for sure, hinting is not an effective form of communication and assuming is not communicating at all.
i get the hang up of just being straightforward. this may come as a shocker, but when i am expected in a face to face conversation to be straightforward i am often times hesitant. straightforwardness requires that you open yourself up, be vulnerable and trust who you are sharing with. sometimes the person you are sharing with is a complete ass and refuses to hear your side, your idea, or your want. when you encounter that too many times you start to doubt that what you have to say is valid.
as i get older and hopefully wiser i am learning to take that leap, trust in myself, ask for what i know is right for me. it is scary. i listen to myself trying to spit out the words and a whole bunch of random garbage spews from my mouth intermixed with the important words. or i will explain in general terms instead of making the reference to just the situation at hand. thank you to the poor soul who is listening to me and trying to decipher what i am saying, he (because this only arises when i am having a serious conversation with a man) should get a merit badge for his "how to live with flo" sash. i would offer to sew the new badge on, as an appreciation of his time and patience, but i have no idea how.
assuming is different from hinting. hinting is when you skirt all around the actual issue, idea, or what you would like to see happen, where as assuming is your are expecting the other party to read your mind. in hinting you have vocalized in a round about sort of way what you are wanting, but assuming you are hoping the other person has xray vision and can see your thoughts or maybe you think you have a speech bubble that pops over your head for the other person to read. the speech bubble would be really nice, but i have only seen that in printed word not in real life conversation.
assuming will often times lead to a misunderstanding that could have easily been solved with communication. this doesn't always work, because maybe you are communicating in the hinting way and there is still a misunderstanding. here is what i know for sure, hinting is not an effective form of communication and assuming is not communicating at all.
i get the hang up of just being straightforward. this may come as a shocker, but when i am expected in a face to face conversation to be straightforward i am often times hesitant. straightforwardness requires that you open yourself up, be vulnerable and trust who you are sharing with. sometimes the person you are sharing with is a complete ass and refuses to hear your side, your idea, or your want. when you encounter that too many times you start to doubt that what you have to say is valid.
as i get older and hopefully wiser i am learning to take that leap, trust in myself, ask for what i know is right for me. it is scary. i listen to myself trying to spit out the words and a whole bunch of random garbage spews from my mouth intermixed with the important words. or i will explain in general terms instead of making the reference to just the situation at hand. thank you to the poor soul who is listening to me and trying to decipher what i am saying, he (because this only arises when i am having a serious conversation with a man) should get a merit badge for his "how to live with flo" sash. i would offer to sew the new badge on, as an appreciation of his time and patience, but i have no idea how.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
today i am wrestling with me....
today i am wrestling with me; my insecurities, my ridiculous behavior, my neediness. i drive myself nuts and often times despise this characteristic of myself.
my insecurity has nothing to do with my physical appearance, although at this present moment i am not at all happy with how i look. i am sitting at my, correction shreddie's, kitchen table just back from church. today i wore jeans and my sweater from shreddie (i needed a little reminder of her today, because usually we are skyping on sunday mornings). sitting is never a pretty sight for me. i naturally hunch forward, hunch is not a very elegant word to describe yourself, but this is what i do. when i hunch, my somewhat tone, after two kids, belly lurps over the waistband of my jeans. ugh!! i really can't stand it, but outside of plastic surgery there really is no cure for this. it isn't fat, it is just extra skin and let's face it my skin does not the elasticity of a 20 something anymore, so regardless of the amount of sit ups and crunches or dieting i embark upon, i will always have this reminder of my two cherubs....the extra inch and a half of skin that graces my midsection. no one would ever notice or care about this but me and yet i am conscious of it every time i sit down. since we are on this subject laying down isn't any better, nursing two kids was not kind to my breasts. when i lay down they slide off my chest and take residence somewhere under my armpits. seriously this is terrible, now my chest has less definition than my back and i have weird growths under my armpits. truly the only safe position for me is standing and even then i must wear a bra to lift the empty nylons dangling from my chest, remember to suck in the extra skin belt at my waist and drop my shoulders because my neck looks like it is constantly being swallowed up by my shoulders. oh my word!!
hard to believe that this isn't my issue today, but it isn't. my insecurity today has been brooding for a really long time. if i am to be completely honest, which i usually try to be, this insecurity has been with me for as long as i can remember. this is something i only experience with men, which is ultra annoying because i often come across as an unreasonable crazy person, but i choose my words carefully to try and lessen the blow. i am ultra confident with myself when it comes to other relationships in my life; being a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a Believer. i know exactly who i am, what i can bring, what my job and duties are. i don't always do a stellar job, but i don't often question myself in these relationships.
when it comes to a man, i question every aspect of that relationship. i analyze every interaction, every conversation and admittedly take words shared out of context. you know when read a fortune cookie fortune and it is funnier when you add "in bed"? well i don't add those words, but i think that sometimes i take a statement that was meant as a general idea and apply it to just me. i don't think that i am that wonderful that of course it is meant for me, i guess i am just a dreamer. a searcher of that fairy tale relationship that fulfills all needs, desires, dreams and hopes. if i am to embrace the words of Beth Moore i already have that relationship with God, but is it really that selfish of me to want an earthly relationship with a man that i can physically touch, hold and share with?
part of this insecurity is that i have expectations, i make assumptions. when those don't come to fruition i am let down, annoyed and quite frankly hurt. is it unreasonable? sometimes, especially if the other person didn't know that i had these expectations and assumptions. it is a whole other ballgame when the other person knows, you've made plans and they don't happen, but for me that "let down" feels the same. today i am wrestling with scenario number one, my assumptions. there were never any plans made or even a discussion about plans, i just assumed. what is that phrase? assuming makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me", well this is exactly how i feel, like an ass. in my crazy head something else was more important, better, more desirable, and it might be, but that wasn't the premise behind it.
a question like "is everything ok? i feel like something is up." is a loaded question for me. in the past i would have answered "yep, i'm good." i guess i shouldn't say in the past because that is how i answered, but after thinking about it, i decided to actually explain "i am wrestling with my insecurities. i have limited time to see you, but we each have lives that don't include the other (as it should be considering this is new). it got to me...that realization, and being the needy somewhat unreasonable gal that i am it made me uncomfortable and insecure."
i could have left it at yep, but that isn't really me. i am emotional, unreasonable at times, and i freak out about little things but i am up front about it. i am not good at getting my point across without being accusatory or defensive, but i am working on it. my good friend don once told me, "whoever you have in your life will be okay with all the sides of you and if he can't handle it, well he just isn't the right one."
my insecurity has nothing to do with my physical appearance, although at this present moment i am not at all happy with how i look. i am sitting at my, correction shreddie's, kitchen table just back from church. today i wore jeans and my sweater from shreddie (i needed a little reminder of her today, because usually we are skyping on sunday mornings). sitting is never a pretty sight for me. i naturally hunch forward, hunch is not a very elegant word to describe yourself, but this is what i do. when i hunch, my somewhat tone, after two kids, belly lurps over the waistband of my jeans. ugh!! i really can't stand it, but outside of plastic surgery there really is no cure for this. it isn't fat, it is just extra skin and let's face it my skin does not the elasticity of a 20 something anymore, so regardless of the amount of sit ups and crunches or dieting i embark upon, i will always have this reminder of my two cherubs....the extra inch and a half of skin that graces my midsection. no one would ever notice or care about this but me and yet i am conscious of it every time i sit down. since we are on this subject laying down isn't any better, nursing two kids was not kind to my breasts. when i lay down they slide off my chest and take residence somewhere under my armpits. seriously this is terrible, now my chest has less definition than my back and i have weird growths under my armpits. truly the only safe position for me is standing and even then i must wear a bra to lift the empty nylons dangling from my chest, remember to suck in the extra skin belt at my waist and drop my shoulders because my neck looks like it is constantly being swallowed up by my shoulders. oh my word!!
hard to believe that this isn't my issue today, but it isn't. my insecurity today has been brooding for a really long time. if i am to be completely honest, which i usually try to be, this insecurity has been with me for as long as i can remember. this is something i only experience with men, which is ultra annoying because i often come across as an unreasonable crazy person, but i choose my words carefully to try and lessen the blow. i am ultra confident with myself when it comes to other relationships in my life; being a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a Believer. i know exactly who i am, what i can bring, what my job and duties are. i don't always do a stellar job, but i don't often question myself in these relationships.
when it comes to a man, i question every aspect of that relationship. i analyze every interaction, every conversation and admittedly take words shared out of context. you know when read a fortune cookie fortune and it is funnier when you add "in bed"? well i don't add those words, but i think that sometimes i take a statement that was meant as a general idea and apply it to just me. i don't think that i am that wonderful that of course it is meant for me, i guess i am just a dreamer. a searcher of that fairy tale relationship that fulfills all needs, desires, dreams and hopes. if i am to embrace the words of Beth Moore i already have that relationship with God, but is it really that selfish of me to want an earthly relationship with a man that i can physically touch, hold and share with?
part of this insecurity is that i have expectations, i make assumptions. when those don't come to fruition i am let down, annoyed and quite frankly hurt. is it unreasonable? sometimes, especially if the other person didn't know that i had these expectations and assumptions. it is a whole other ballgame when the other person knows, you've made plans and they don't happen, but for me that "let down" feels the same. today i am wrestling with scenario number one, my assumptions. there were never any plans made or even a discussion about plans, i just assumed. what is that phrase? assuming makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me", well this is exactly how i feel, like an ass. in my crazy head something else was more important, better, more desirable, and it might be, but that wasn't the premise behind it.
a question like "is everything ok? i feel like something is up." is a loaded question for me. in the past i would have answered "yep, i'm good." i guess i shouldn't say in the past because that is how i answered, but after thinking about it, i decided to actually explain "i am wrestling with my insecurities. i have limited time to see you, but we each have lives that don't include the other (as it should be considering this is new). it got to me...that realization, and being the needy somewhat unreasonable gal that i am it made me uncomfortable and insecure."
i could have left it at yep, but that isn't really me. i am emotional, unreasonable at times, and i freak out about little things but i am up front about it. i am not good at getting my point across without being accusatory or defensive, but i am working on it. my good friend don once told me, "whoever you have in your life will be okay with all the sides of you and if he can't handle it, well he just isn't the right one."
spark....
Well, my date last night went well. Super great guy, and we had good conversation. I met him at 6 pm, and didn't leave until 9 pm. He bought my dinner and it was fun, but for me there just didn't seem to be any "spark"...hmmpff.
spark. this one word can keep us in a holding pattern continually circling the dating pool searching for that elusive spark. we all seem to be looking for that certain someone who makes us excited on all levels; physically, emotionally, mentally. someone that turns us on, that can carry on an easy intelligent conversation, that makes us laugh and feel at ease, someone that you don't have to impress with all your stats they just like and take you at face value. this is that elusive spark that we are seeking, but should the lack of spark be a deal breaker?
i of course have an opinion and it is this...lack of spark should be a deal breaker. i just don't think that you can create spark, either it is there or it isn't. if you don't have it initially that doesn't mean that you won't develop a deep respect or admiration for that person, but i think that is different from spark. the spark leaves you craving more, a desire and intrigue to see that person again. spark somehow gives you permission to daydream about a life with that person, you imagine long term even if you have only met that person once.
this spark can be tricky, because sometimes you can interact with a person via text, phone calls, or emails and you seem to connect well. the electronic conversation is good, the idea that you have created in your head of their physical appearance is good (because until now you just have a photo to go off and really you have no idea how old that photo might be) and you are just keeping your fingers crossed that there is chemistry and spark. so you set a date, it is now time to meet. when you finally lay eyes on this person that has brought an extra smile to your face and you feel nothing it is a huge let down.
i guess i am expecting robins to be singing, a spotlight that automatically shines down on your prince who is casually walking towards you, the rest of the room to fade out and it is just the two of you. yes i understand that this is absolute insanity, i realize that these things won't actually happen, but i know that something is going to be different.
when i first reconnected with J, i knew that i was supposed to be right there, i can't really explain why other than my world felt completely at ease and my mind stopped spinning with all the details of the rest of my day. this is a little different than spotlights and fade-outs, but it is my equivalent, to have my mind be silent is a blessing. every time i interacted with J it was the same thing, i was peaceful and calm and the rest of my world melted away for the length of that interaction.
meeting C was a totally different spark, it was all physical. i was drawn to him and had an irresistible urge to touch him. it was magnetic, electric and something bigger than me, i couldn't control it. i desired and craved him and did stupid things to satisfy my need. there were other things that i ended up liking about him, but in the end that magnetism faded, first for him and eventually for me and the other things we shared couldn't keep us connected it wasn't enough.
i have a guy friend that i talk with often about this spark. he is recently divorced and dating. he has said many times i am looking for that spark that i had with my ex. i am not sure if i will find that spark again, but i want it. well he has met several nice ladies and always says they were nice but that spark wasn't there. so i always tell him keep searching don't settle. his last pseudo-relationship is what i want to focus on because i think his experience is exactly what i am talking about.
guy meets girl....they see each other for a few months...girl moves away...guy is not completely heartbroken but more upset than he thought he would be. from the beginning he had said there is no spark, she is nice, i enjoy spending time with her, but i don't know if i see myself with her long term. there was never a time throughout the duration of their time together that he felt comfortable calling her his girlfriend even though they weren't seeing other people, he hadn't and didn't plan on introducing her to his children (his kids are all over 16), and he wasn't ever super comfortable talking about her or really even acknowledging her presence in his his life with the rest of the gang.
my personal opinion is that although he liked her as a person, she was just convenient, a warm body that filled the void of being alone. he didn't feel "it" with her and therefore didn't invest too much time in creating with her. if spark appeared on his doorstep, i am convinced he would've walked away from convenience to pursue spark. i should make clear that i don't think there is anything wrong with filling the void, i think that we as humans (or at least most of us) need and want that connection with a person of the opposite sex. i have made a conscious choice to not fill the void unless i think it is the right person. i am not interested in just any joe schmoe he needs to be spark-a-liscious.
i think spark is different for everyone. it can be a calmness that they bring, fireworks and fade-outs, to all and everything in between. i don't think that we should settle for mediocre. it looks like i am searching for a C + J combination, a man that i can't keep my hands off of and he brings peace and tranquility to my day. maybe C+ J will equal MRE.
spark. this one word can keep us in a holding pattern continually circling the dating pool searching for that elusive spark. we all seem to be looking for that certain someone who makes us excited on all levels; physically, emotionally, mentally. someone that turns us on, that can carry on an easy intelligent conversation, that makes us laugh and feel at ease, someone that you don't have to impress with all your stats they just like and take you at face value. this is that elusive spark that we are seeking, but should the lack of spark be a deal breaker?
i of course have an opinion and it is this...lack of spark should be a deal breaker. i just don't think that you can create spark, either it is there or it isn't. if you don't have it initially that doesn't mean that you won't develop a deep respect or admiration for that person, but i think that is different from spark. the spark leaves you craving more, a desire and intrigue to see that person again. spark somehow gives you permission to daydream about a life with that person, you imagine long term even if you have only met that person once.
this spark can be tricky, because sometimes you can interact with a person via text, phone calls, or emails and you seem to connect well. the electronic conversation is good, the idea that you have created in your head of their physical appearance is good (because until now you just have a photo to go off and really you have no idea how old that photo might be) and you are just keeping your fingers crossed that there is chemistry and spark. so you set a date, it is now time to meet. when you finally lay eyes on this person that has brought an extra smile to your face and you feel nothing it is a huge let down.
i guess i am expecting robins to be singing, a spotlight that automatically shines down on your prince who is casually walking towards you, the rest of the room to fade out and it is just the two of you. yes i understand that this is absolute insanity, i realize that these things won't actually happen, but i know that something is going to be different.
when i first reconnected with J, i knew that i was supposed to be right there, i can't really explain why other than my world felt completely at ease and my mind stopped spinning with all the details of the rest of my day. this is a little different than spotlights and fade-outs, but it is my equivalent, to have my mind be silent is a blessing. every time i interacted with J it was the same thing, i was peaceful and calm and the rest of my world melted away for the length of that interaction.
meeting C was a totally different spark, it was all physical. i was drawn to him and had an irresistible urge to touch him. it was magnetic, electric and something bigger than me, i couldn't control it. i desired and craved him and did stupid things to satisfy my need. there were other things that i ended up liking about him, but in the end that magnetism faded, first for him and eventually for me and the other things we shared couldn't keep us connected it wasn't enough.
i have a guy friend that i talk with often about this spark. he is recently divorced and dating. he has said many times i am looking for that spark that i had with my ex. i am not sure if i will find that spark again, but i want it. well he has met several nice ladies and always says they were nice but that spark wasn't there. so i always tell him keep searching don't settle. his last pseudo-relationship is what i want to focus on because i think his experience is exactly what i am talking about.
guy meets girl....they see each other for a few months...girl moves away...guy is not completely heartbroken but more upset than he thought he would be. from the beginning he had said there is no spark, she is nice, i enjoy spending time with her, but i don't know if i see myself with her long term. there was never a time throughout the duration of their time together that he felt comfortable calling her his girlfriend even though they weren't seeing other people, he hadn't and didn't plan on introducing her to his children (his kids are all over 16), and he wasn't ever super comfortable talking about her or really even acknowledging her presence in his his life with the rest of the gang.
my personal opinion is that although he liked her as a person, she was just convenient, a warm body that filled the void of being alone. he didn't feel "it" with her and therefore didn't invest too much time in creating with her. if spark appeared on his doorstep, i am convinced he would've walked away from convenience to pursue spark. i should make clear that i don't think there is anything wrong with filling the void, i think that we as humans (or at least most of us) need and want that connection with a person of the opposite sex. i have made a conscious choice to not fill the void unless i think it is the right person. i am not interested in just any joe schmoe he needs to be spark-a-liscious.
i think spark is different for everyone. it can be a calmness that they bring, fireworks and fade-outs, to all and everything in between. i don't think that we should settle for mediocre. it looks like i am searching for a C + J combination, a man that i can't keep my hands off of and he brings peace and tranquility to my day. maybe C+ J will equal MRE.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
clothing challenge update
it has been two weeks since i have posted my clothes. i haven't thrown in the towel, nor have i gone through my closet yet. i still have the dreaded pants, some more dresses and a handful of skirts to go through. i am getting to a point though, where i want to be done. there are a few reasons for this, one is that the things i have left are not really appropriate for the weather, the colors are wrong for the season, the material is wrong for the season, i don't have another layer to add to make it warm enough to wear in this weather, i don't have the right shoes. since i can't purchase anything i am not sure how to wear the rest of what i have. hmmmm.....
what is a girl to do? i am determined to get through the closet and figure out a way to wear the rest of my items. i said this from the beginning that i am limited in tops and am starting to recycle some of my "layering" pieces. why does this make me feel like i have failed?
March 7-11
monday: black and white floral sheath dress, black cardigan, black tights and pumps
wednesday: denim pencil skirt, black drapey tank top, green argyle hoodie sweater, black argyle tights and kenneth cole black boots
thursday: black, white and red trimmed tank dress, short sleeve white t-shirt, black tights and the same boots from wednesday (new obsession, hand me down from mom and i love them)
friday: raspberry v-neck sweater, gray diagonal striped wool skirt, gray tights and black boots...yep the obsession ones.
March 14-18
monday: black mac n jack front inverted pleat skirt, light green crewneck sweater, scarf from lala, black herringbone tights and pumps
wednesday: reversible skirt (on polka dot side), black cardigan with sash, black tights and pumps
thursday: green and black tulip dress, black hooded cardigan, black tights and boots
friday: navy blue sheath dress with ruffle bib, cream floral long sleeve tee, mustard colored tie sweater, floral tights, cowboy boots and wide leather belt slung low on the hips.
what is a girl to do? i am determined to get through the closet and figure out a way to wear the rest of my items. i said this from the beginning that i am limited in tops and am starting to recycle some of my "layering" pieces. why does this make me feel like i have failed?
March 7-11
monday: black and white floral sheath dress, black cardigan, black tights and pumps
wednesday: denim pencil skirt, black drapey tank top, green argyle hoodie sweater, black argyle tights and kenneth cole black boots
thursday: black, white and red trimmed tank dress, short sleeve white t-shirt, black tights and the same boots from wednesday (new obsession, hand me down from mom and i love them)
friday: raspberry v-neck sweater, gray diagonal striped wool skirt, gray tights and black boots...yep the obsession ones.
March 14-18
monday: black mac n jack front inverted pleat skirt, light green crewneck sweater, scarf from lala, black herringbone tights and pumps
wednesday: reversible skirt (on polka dot side), black cardigan with sash, black tights and pumps
thursday: green and black tulip dress, black hooded cardigan, black tights and boots
friday: navy blue sheath dress with ruffle bib, cream floral long sleeve tee, mustard colored tie sweater, floral tights, cowboy boots and wide leather belt slung low on the hips.
sex before marriage?
it is always exciting when you are getting to know someone. you learn likes and dislikes, you start to understand their humor or lack of, maybe you even start to fall into a routine a wake up call a goodnight text. there are undoubtedly things that are discussed in the early stages of getting to know someone that may be shocking but not deterrents, some that may feel like the other person pulled the information straight out of your brain and is handing it back to you or maybe they are complete deal breakers.
him: i don't believe in premarital sex?
me: (cough and choke, collect my thoughts) what do you consider sex?
him: not really sure anymore
me: (hmmmm......) fair enough, i guess we figure it out as we go.
do you remember that movie The Mirror Has Two Faces with Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges? ok total geek out moment, i love Barbra Streisand! anyway, the movie's concept is creating a strong, intimate bond with a person of the opposite sex and not muddling it with the act of sex. in the end they "hook up" and supposedly live happily ever after.
him: i don't believe in premarital sex?
me: (cough and choke, collect my thoughts) what do you consider sex?
him: not really sure anymore
me: (hmmmm......) fair enough, i guess we figure it out as we go.
do you remember that movie The Mirror Has Two Faces with Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges? ok total geek out moment, i love Barbra Streisand! anyway, the movie's concept is creating a strong, intimate bond with a person of the opposite sex and not muddling it with the act of sex. in the end they "hook up" and supposedly live happily ever after.
i can honestly say that i have not encountered a man in this present day that has this belief, until now. the idea is intriguing. i have asked a few friends about this concept, here are some of their responses:
I guess for me.. it's not about being a slut and seeing what you can have, but to be with someone for the rest of your life.. and there is a special connection with sex.. I guess what I mean is that what if it's not good. I am serious! I mean you have to connect on may different levels and that is one that I would want to know what I was getting into.. not after you have said I do... am I way off on that!?!?!? ;)
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! good luck with that. ;) go team _____
i kind of like to take a "test drive" first, see what's under the hood. (this is a lot of car references)
if you can do it, it is worth the wait....
it isn't something that i have ever put much thought in to. i have just gone with how i felt at the moment, which can be anywhere from "let's get naked" to "never going to happen". now that i have to think about it, and i have been thinking about it, i really don't know where i stand, i am like always viewing both sides of the fence.
relationships seem to move so quickly these days. date one: drinks. one drink turned into two and then all of sudden you are in this booze haze and this fella seems like "prince charming", in your "anything goes" booze haze you are at his place (because you never bring someone back to your place) and you're naked, once the haze dissipates you realize mr. dreamy is actually 2 inches shorter than you, could be a mike tyson voice double and doesn't have his own place he is just temporarily staying on his buddies couch. wtf? there is no second date, because eww, and you have added another notch to the bed post. oy!! i have NEVER had this date, just using my imagination.
i think that maybe an extended courtship could be nice. we are in such a hurry as humans to get to the next step, the next base, the next thing that stopping to appreciate and really get to know your potential life partner is left in the dust. i like the idea of hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling on the couch, going on dates, and talking on the phone for hours at a time. taking your time learning about this person. waiting for that all consuming intoxication of newness to wane just a bit and see if you still think he is the "bees knees". slow it down just a bit.
ok, you've slowed it down, you still think he is great, you've decided he has more "goods" than "bads" is it now time to check out the "goods"? i suppose the real question is would you get married to this man today? if the answer is yes, do you really need to wait until you actually get married? if you are a no sex before marriage person, then i guess the answer is yes.
so here is the problem. when you are physically drawn to someone and you are positive you are going to get married to this person...how in the world do you wait?!? this is the ultimate tease...we can do everything but...we will fool around and just when we should be "doing it" he says, " sorry babe, we aren't married yet." what do you do now? pull out "b.o.b." from the nightstand and say, "give me a minute and then we can cuddle."? or do you get to your side of the bed and pick up your book? i have no idea, but this sounds like torture.
whichever route you decide to take, sex or no sex before marriage, i think the key is communicating what the expectation is. i personally have no moral issue either way. i really like the courting part, i think there is something really intimate about holding hands, hugging and kissing. i do think that maybe a "test drive" isn't such a bad idea. like my friend said what if it's bad?, but i don't think you should go out "testing" just to find that compatible bedmate.
whichever route you decide to take, sex or no sex before marriage, i think the key is communicating what the expectation is. i personally have no moral issue either way. i really like the courting part, i think there is something really intimate about holding hands, hugging and kissing. i do think that maybe a "test drive" isn't such a bad idea. like my friend said what if it's bad?, but i don't think you should go out "testing" just to find that compatible bedmate.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
cinderella dreams
We grew up believing in Cinderella, yet some of us feel as if our palace turned out to be a duplex, our prince turned out to be a frog, and the wicked stepmother turned out to be our mother-in-law. Our fairy godmother apparently lost our addresses. i attended sunday school this morning, which is a class taught by my good friend beth. the class is titled Breaking Free by Beth Moore. i can't say that i have followed the whole the course, as you learned from a previous post...i took a break. the lesson today was about our (women's) dream relationship and that we can have that with Christ.
so i sat through the class, i have to admit that my mind wasn't really on the class, i had tuned out. my physical presence was still there, seated to the right of beth in my plastic chair with the brown seat cushion. my teal blue coffee mug sitting in front of me as well as my text book laid out on the plastic fold out table. class was full today and there wasn't a ton of room on the table so my bible in it's lime green cover (a christmas present from beth a few years back) was propped on the floor next to my "mary poppins" handbag. my mind was thinking about my past, present and future cinderella dreams.
PAST
when i was little i wanted to meet my dream man, get married, have 2 kids and live happily ever after. i never had an idea of whether i wanted to work or stay home, what this dream man would look like, where we would live, although i did want to live comfortably not paycheck to paycheck. i met my ex in august after i graduated from high school, i was 18. he is 5 years older than i am and i remember thinking he had experienced so much more than i had. he lived outside of his parents house, had a steady job, had a dog and a cat and for some unknown reason he liked me, this goofy kid who didn't know anything about herself yet.
we got married 6 years later. looking back now i don't recall exactly how i felt towards him, i knew that i cared about him a great deal and i had already spent 6 whole years with him, but i knew he wasn't my dream man. there were many things about him that i liked a lot, but several that drove me nuts. it turns out the ones that drove me nuts would become much bigger in the years and ultimately drive us apart. we were together a total of 15 years.
from the outside my marriage looked like a cinderella dream. we lived in a gorgeous sprawling rambler that we built, our yard was well manicured, every flower came up where it was supposed to on strong sturdy stems, i stayed home and kept an impeccably clean home complete with fresh baked goods and dinner on the table, our children were well dressed (until they learned how to dress themselves) and i was always dressed to impress. i wore a big smile and carried myself with a carefree attitude. we appeared to be happy, in love, living the american dream. it was a sham, sure the things we had were real, but i was missing something, i was miserable with my not so dreamy, dream man, i was craving attention, affection, passion, romance, understanding, appreciation, acceptance and most of all love. i needed to be loved, feel loved and wanted from my prince charming, but he wasn't able to give me that.
PRESENT
i am now in that duplex mentioned above in the very first paragraph. there are times when i am embarrassed that i live here, especially when people who knew where i used to live come here. the gutters are falling off and there is a wonderful insulation layer growing on the outside of the roof, some call it moss. the exterior is a few different paint colors and the plants are ridiculously overgrown and out of control. that is just the exterior and like most things you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, this is no exception. with the help of my mom and the mammas, doc and ty, the inside of my castle is cute, clean and very livable, but it is missing something...a prince charming (i would never want to live in this castle with my prince charming).
throughout my time as a single gal, i have discovered something about the man i am naturally drawn to. he is intense, driven, determined, proud of who he is and ultimately unavailable. not in the sense that he is married and happily devoted to another woman, but in the sense that all the characteristics that are appealing and desirable to me are the exact same ones that make this type of man unavailable to a partner. the things that he wants are just wants, there isn't a way for that man to achieve what he wants without losing the perception of who he thinks he is. now i hate generalizations, but this has been my own personal experience with the intense, driven proud man. i am sure that there are many, many of these men out there who know how to strike that balance of achieving it all.
my ex has always had good intentions, i knew what he wanted and how he envisioned our lives as we got older, but he was never able to execute that. he wasn't ever able to meet my needs. then there is J, he talked of a life that i have been searching for and really wanted to share with him, ultimately i wasn't the right girl for the job. i am at peace with both of these prince charmings. their inability to meet my needs isn't the end of my world, my dreams or desires, it just simply means that they aren't my prince charming. i am ok with that. i still think that both are good and respectable, intense driven proud men, but for some other cinderella. a cinderella who isn't as needy.
FUTURE
i guess i should first say that i try really hard to live in this day, this moment and make it the best i can. there is that saying about not being able to predict the future or change the past all you have is today. i still dream of how i would like my cinderella dream to play out. i still want the same things i wanted as a little girl; dream man, kids, comfortable living, but i have added a few things. my castle does not need to be big, having a big castle means you have to clean a big castle. my castle won't come with a staff which means i have to clean it, so a moderately sized castle with a big kitchen. my prince charming will undoubtedly have all the characteristics that i find desirable but he will also be a family man who knows how to treat his cinderella. as far as the wicked step mother, well i am not sure if there is a way around this, but i suppose i will find out someday.
fairy tales, romantic comedies, and some literature have skewed my ideas of how a relationship should look like. i am hopeful that there is a prince charming out there for me. i am pretty sure i won't hear fireworks the first time we kiss maybe a seagull squawking overhead will be my "fireworks". his sturdy white steed will probably look more like a gas guzzling pick up truck (for some reason the men i am attracted to all drive trucks) in need of a wash. i am sure he isn't going to come wandering into my garden (i don't have one) following the melody of my voice (i am a horrible singer he would probably run), it will go more like this, he will *wink* at me on one of those impersonal dating sights and i will email him back stating, "I hate the wink, if you have something to say to me just say it."
yeah, it is a little different than the classic cinderella story, but i think my cinderella dream is attainable.
so i sat through the class, i have to admit that my mind wasn't really on the class, i had tuned out. my physical presence was still there, seated to the right of beth in my plastic chair with the brown seat cushion. my teal blue coffee mug sitting in front of me as well as my text book laid out on the plastic fold out table. class was full today and there wasn't a ton of room on the table so my bible in it's lime green cover (a christmas present from beth a few years back) was propped on the floor next to my "mary poppins" handbag. my mind was thinking about my past, present and future cinderella dreams.
PAST
when i was little i wanted to meet my dream man, get married, have 2 kids and live happily ever after. i never had an idea of whether i wanted to work or stay home, what this dream man would look like, where we would live, although i did want to live comfortably not paycheck to paycheck. i met my ex in august after i graduated from high school, i was 18. he is 5 years older than i am and i remember thinking he had experienced so much more than i had. he lived outside of his parents house, had a steady job, had a dog and a cat and for some unknown reason he liked me, this goofy kid who didn't know anything about herself yet.
we got married 6 years later. looking back now i don't recall exactly how i felt towards him, i knew that i cared about him a great deal and i had already spent 6 whole years with him, but i knew he wasn't my dream man. there were many things about him that i liked a lot, but several that drove me nuts. it turns out the ones that drove me nuts would become much bigger in the years and ultimately drive us apart. we were together a total of 15 years.
from the outside my marriage looked like a cinderella dream. we lived in a gorgeous sprawling rambler that we built, our yard was well manicured, every flower came up where it was supposed to on strong sturdy stems, i stayed home and kept an impeccably clean home complete with fresh baked goods and dinner on the table, our children were well dressed (until they learned how to dress themselves) and i was always dressed to impress. i wore a big smile and carried myself with a carefree attitude. we appeared to be happy, in love, living the american dream. it was a sham, sure the things we had were real, but i was missing something, i was miserable with my not so dreamy, dream man, i was craving attention, affection, passion, romance, understanding, appreciation, acceptance and most of all love. i needed to be loved, feel loved and wanted from my prince charming, but he wasn't able to give me that.
PRESENT
i am now in that duplex mentioned above in the very first paragraph. there are times when i am embarrassed that i live here, especially when people who knew where i used to live come here. the gutters are falling off and there is a wonderful insulation layer growing on the outside of the roof, some call it moss. the exterior is a few different paint colors and the plants are ridiculously overgrown and out of control. that is just the exterior and like most things you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, this is no exception. with the help of my mom and the mammas, doc and ty, the inside of my castle is cute, clean and very livable, but it is missing something...a prince charming (i would never want to live in this castle with my prince charming).
throughout my time as a single gal, i have discovered something about the man i am naturally drawn to. he is intense, driven, determined, proud of who he is and ultimately unavailable. not in the sense that he is married and happily devoted to another woman, but in the sense that all the characteristics that are appealing and desirable to me are the exact same ones that make this type of man unavailable to a partner. the things that he wants are just wants, there isn't a way for that man to achieve what he wants without losing the perception of who he thinks he is. now i hate generalizations, but this has been my own personal experience with the intense, driven proud man. i am sure that there are many, many of these men out there who know how to strike that balance of achieving it all.
my ex has always had good intentions, i knew what he wanted and how he envisioned our lives as we got older, but he was never able to execute that. he wasn't ever able to meet my needs. then there is J, he talked of a life that i have been searching for and really wanted to share with him, ultimately i wasn't the right girl for the job. i am at peace with both of these prince charmings. their inability to meet my needs isn't the end of my world, my dreams or desires, it just simply means that they aren't my prince charming. i am ok with that. i still think that both are good and respectable, intense driven proud men, but for some other cinderella. a cinderella who isn't as needy.
FUTURE
i guess i should first say that i try really hard to live in this day, this moment and make it the best i can. there is that saying about not being able to predict the future or change the past all you have is today. i still dream of how i would like my cinderella dream to play out. i still want the same things i wanted as a little girl; dream man, kids, comfortable living, but i have added a few things. my castle does not need to be big, having a big castle means you have to clean a big castle. my castle won't come with a staff which means i have to clean it, so a moderately sized castle with a big kitchen. my prince charming will undoubtedly have all the characteristics that i find desirable but he will also be a family man who knows how to treat his cinderella. as far as the wicked step mother, well i am not sure if there is a way around this, but i suppose i will find out someday.
fairy tales, romantic comedies, and some literature have skewed my ideas of how a relationship should look like. i am hopeful that there is a prince charming out there for me. i am pretty sure i won't hear fireworks the first time we kiss maybe a seagull squawking overhead will be my "fireworks". his sturdy white steed will probably look more like a gas guzzling pick up truck (for some reason the men i am attracted to all drive trucks) in need of a wash. i am sure he isn't going to come wandering into my garden (i don't have one) following the melody of my voice (i am a horrible singer he would probably run), it will go more like this, he will *wink* at me on one of those impersonal dating sights and i will email him back stating, "I hate the wink, if you have something to say to me just say it."
yeah, it is a little different than the classic cinderella story, but i think my cinderella dream is attainable.
Friday, March 18, 2011
tour guide needed....
i am a routine girl. every weekday morning i do the exact same thing. my alarm goes off at 6am at that exact same time my coffee pot starts brewing (i love the delay setting). i hit snooze at least twice while i am waiting for the coffee to be done. i turn on my reading light, turn off my alarm, step out of bed into my slippers and put on my robe. first stop is the ladies room. then feed oscar my cat, he has bugging me since the alarm went off because he knows it is breakfast time. next, to the kitchen, pour my first cup of coffee and return to my bed. for the next 45 minutes i sit all cozied up with my coffee and covers and get caught up for the day. at exactly 7 o'clock i shut down my computer and head upstairs to shower. after showering i go wake up my cherubs, i love that they are still sleeping and i get to wake them with a kiss and an i love you. when i make it downstairs i check my phone, there is always a text, "have a great day. i will be thinking of you." i have really come accustomed to this text and count on it being there. until 8 o'clock i am getting myself ready for work. at 8 o'clock i get the kids finished up for school; make lunches, get back packs together, gather any extras that they may need. by 8:20 we are out the door.
this happens every morning. even on the mornings that i don't have my kids. when 8 o'clock rolls around i have NO idea what to do with myself. i don't have to get the kids ready, there isn't enough time to start and finish anything. i end up leaving my house and head off to work an hour before i have to be there. ugh! today i showed up at 8:30 and my co-workers both looked at me with a perplexed face why are you here? i have no explanation other than i don't know what else to do.
i wasn't as much of a routine person until i had kids. i used to be much more flexible and spontaneous. everything i have ever read about child rearing stressed consistency, predictability, routines. well i tend to take in all the information (regardless of what the situation, challenge, dilemma is) and figure out how to make it work for me. i have turned into this completely predictable person, as far as how i live day to day.
i seem to function well knowing what is coming; my coffee pot will start brewing at 6am, i will get a thoughtful text at 7am, i start work at 9am, my kids get out of school at 3:35pm, we have dinner at 5pm, bedtime is at 8pm. i am however craving something unexpected, adventure, something that pushes me outside of my comfort zone, living!! don't get me wrong, i still need all of this routine stuff it brings me a sense of peace, predictability and comfort.
i wonder if there is a way to have both; the security and comfort from predictable routines coupled with the thrill of spontaneity? i don't think that i could ever fully embrace being a free spirit or a wanderer. as dream like and boundary-less as a bubble floating through the air is, i need boundaries to feel grounded, but i have a playful adventurous side that is begging for a tour guide.
this happens every morning. even on the mornings that i don't have my kids. when 8 o'clock rolls around i have NO idea what to do with myself. i don't have to get the kids ready, there isn't enough time to start and finish anything. i end up leaving my house and head off to work an hour before i have to be there. ugh! today i showed up at 8:30 and my co-workers both looked at me with a perplexed face why are you here? i have no explanation other than i don't know what else to do.
i wasn't as much of a routine person until i had kids. i used to be much more flexible and spontaneous. everything i have ever read about child rearing stressed consistency, predictability, routines. well i tend to take in all the information (regardless of what the situation, challenge, dilemma is) and figure out how to make it work for me. i have turned into this completely predictable person, as far as how i live day to day.
i seem to function well knowing what is coming; my coffee pot will start brewing at 6am, i will get a thoughtful text at 7am, i start work at 9am, my kids get out of school at 3:35pm, we have dinner at 5pm, bedtime is at 8pm. i am however craving something unexpected, adventure, something that pushes me outside of my comfort zone, living!! don't get me wrong, i still need all of this routine stuff it brings me a sense of peace, predictability and comfort.
i wonder if there is a way to have both; the security and comfort from predictable routines coupled with the thrill of spontaneity? i don't think that i could ever fully embrace being a free spirit or a wanderer. as dream like and boundary-less as a bubble floating through the air is, i need boundaries to feel grounded, but i have a playful adventurous side that is begging for a tour guide.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
perfectly portioned bliss.....
i can't stand yogurt! i really want to like it. it seems like a convenient, easy food to consume. it comes packaged in just the right amount (and most of the time the container is recyclable), the flavors sound yummy, you can get it with fruit or without, yogurt options are endless. if you are a yogurt lover i can't imagine that you would ever get tired of eating it because there are just so many different types to eat. i really wish that i liked it!
i am a girl who really likes routine. commercials have put this idea of a routine with yogurt that i want to partake in. you all know this scenario; young, slim trim figured gal in just her tank and skivvies. she walks barefoot to the fridge and grabs her yogurt without a care in the world. at this moment it is all about the yogurt. for some reason she takes her yogurt to the conversation chair in her living room and plops down into it. most of the time she puts both of her fantastically fit legs over the arm rest and crosses her ankles, then takes the lid off the yogurt, licks the lid, then dips her spoon into the perfectly portioned plastic cup and enjoys that first actual spoonful. pure yogurt bliss!!
this is not how i "enjoy" my yogurt. here is my scenario; i rush into work (either i am right on time or a minute late), grab a spoon out of the kitchen and head to my desk. my desk is like sitting in a fish bowl, i have windows (floor to ceiling) on two sides of me. i turn to my computer, peel back the lid (never lick it just toss into the garbage) and dip in my spoon. i load my spoon with as much as it will hold and shove into my mouth, just swallowing. i can eat my perfectly portioned cup in about 4-5 spoonfuls. there is no enjoyment to be had, i choke it down, each swallow is followed by a cringing shiver. mmmmm.....
the giant costco box i purchased is almost gone, i have one more of perfectly portioned cup of enjoyment to consume. i still don't like and probably never will. i will probably continue to torture myself and purchase this wretched stuff. maybe i will try the tank, skivvies, kick my feet up on the chair method of eating my yogurt? maybe it tastes better if you eat it this way? hmmmm.....
i am a girl who really likes routine. commercials have put this idea of a routine with yogurt that i want to partake in. you all know this scenario; young, slim trim figured gal in just her tank and skivvies. she walks barefoot to the fridge and grabs her yogurt without a care in the world. at this moment it is all about the yogurt. for some reason she takes her yogurt to the conversation chair in her living room and plops down into it. most of the time she puts both of her fantastically fit legs over the arm rest and crosses her ankles, then takes the lid off the yogurt, licks the lid, then dips her spoon into the perfectly portioned plastic cup and enjoys that first actual spoonful. pure yogurt bliss!!
this is not how i "enjoy" my yogurt. here is my scenario; i rush into work (either i am right on time or a minute late), grab a spoon out of the kitchen and head to my desk. my desk is like sitting in a fish bowl, i have windows (floor to ceiling) on two sides of me. i turn to my computer, peel back the lid (never lick it just toss into the garbage) and dip in my spoon. i load my spoon with as much as it will hold and shove into my mouth, just swallowing. i can eat my perfectly portioned cup in about 4-5 spoonfuls. there is no enjoyment to be had, i choke it down, each swallow is followed by a cringing shiver. mmmmm.....
the giant costco box i purchased is almost gone, i have one more of perfectly portioned cup of enjoyment to consume. i still don't like and probably never will. i will probably continue to torture myself and purchase this wretched stuff. maybe i will try the tank, skivvies, kick my feet up on the chair method of eating my yogurt? maybe it tastes better if you eat it this way? hmmmm.....
enjoying the lull
i had an unexpected quiet 90 minutes to myself while the kids were at champs tonight. this doesn't happen very often and i relish, savor and look forward to these moments. i suppose i could've cleaned a bathroom, scrubbed a floor, put away my daughter's clothes that i so lovingly washed and folded for her, but instead i am sitting. i am resting my run down, ragged, weary body on my oh so comfy couch, enjoying the lull of a break.
there is no kid noise, no bickering about who is right, the constant boing of the trampoline that my son incessantly jumps on, no selena gomez with my daughter singing so loud i can't hear the actual song. all i can hear is the water dripping on the ground because the gutters are a mess on my place, the woosh of the cars driving by, and just now the rumble of thunder in the sky. man i love thunder, i wish i could hear it more often. the constant sounds are peaceful, soothing and hypnotic.
the lull never lasts. soon i will go get the kids. they will compete to tell me about champs first, they will argue over the sink in the bathroom, they will jockey to be the first up the stairs. i will tuck them in and turn to walk away and hear one more kiss, one more hug. i always give them and they know it.
sometimes it is nice to have a lull, but i wouldn't trade it for the chaos of my kids.
there is no kid noise, no bickering about who is right, the constant boing of the trampoline that my son incessantly jumps on, no selena gomez with my daughter singing so loud i can't hear the actual song. all i can hear is the water dripping on the ground because the gutters are a mess on my place, the woosh of the cars driving by, and just now the rumble of thunder in the sky. man i love thunder, i wish i could hear it more often. the constant sounds are peaceful, soothing and hypnotic.
the lull never lasts. soon i will go get the kids. they will compete to tell me about champs first, they will argue over the sink in the bathroom, they will jockey to be the first up the stairs. i will tuck them in and turn to walk away and hear one more kiss, one more hug. i always give them and they know it.
sometimes it is nice to have a lull, but i wouldn't trade it for the chaos of my kids.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
see tree...must climb
when did i stop doing the simplest of pleasures? like climbing trees, or racing your brother/sister or best friend across a field or jumping into a huge puddle just for fun. kids do these types of things everyday. they don't care about their shoes, or if their pants will get wet, or if there hair will get messed up by the rain or even if they will get cold and completely dirty. kids just do things because it is fun and they are impulsive.
i spent my sunday afternoon with someone who i think will help me be more impulsive. i had gussied myself up, i am a girl this is what i do, and headed out for an adventure. note to self: adventure does not equal heels. i had to buy a pair of tennis shoes. for all of you people following my clothing challenge i am thinking that this does not disqualify me because i can't wear them to work. so anyway, cheap pair of sneakers and now i am off. we went to the boardwalk in bellingham, not sure what its official name is but it was a boardwalk. as we walked along the boardwalk i stopped to look at some interesting sap on a tree, watched the birds dive under water, and watched the other people.
then there was a tree, and the fella that i was with all of a sudden leaped up into this tree. i just kind of looked at him dumbfounded. do grown ups really climb trees? what in the world is he doing up there? he looks down at me, he is many branches high, and says, "come on up." i kind of chuckled to myself, "ummm i haven't climbed a tree in years." "so, come on." well i am not one to back down from a challenge, i took off my coat and hung it up on a branch of a nearby tree and stood in front of my opponent. now i am wearing a pair of jeans that has very little to no stretch to them. i know really stupid why in the world did i buy them? oh yeah, my butt looked good in them! anyway, i looked up and asked, "how did you get up there?" "i jumped up to the first branch." well yeah that wasn't happening i know that i am not related to the kangaroo family in any way, this girl has no hops. so i casually walked around the tree and found a lower branch that i could lift my worn out race legs up to. in no time i was up that tree, right next to mr. kangaroo monkey man. "impressive, there aren't too many girls who would've tried." like i said i am not one to back down from a challenge.
being up in that tree was pretty cool. like i said i haven't climbed a tree in years, but i stood on those branches and was able to see things from a different perspective. it was easier to take in the fragrance of the needles, bark and sap being in it. i could feel the strength of the limbs under my feet. the texture of the bark was bumpy and rough, this tree needed lotion was my first thought. i didn't get any sap on my hand, thank goodness it is so sticky, but maybe this is exactly what i need. the ground looked far away, i didn't get scared i am not afraid of heights, but it was pretty cool that i was all the way up there.
then i had to get down. why is it so much easier to get up then down? i studied the path that i took to get there, the space in between the branches seemed so far apart. did i really come up this way? i held onto the branch for dear life and let myself down searching for that lower branch with my feet. before i knew it my feet were planted firmly on the ground again, i dusted off my hands on my thighs and donned my coat.
i am not sure when i cared more about my appearance than having fun. holy cow saying that makes me sound so shallow, but hear me out i think i can rationalize this and make some sense of it. as i get older i worry more about getting hurt, injured, broken. it takes a long time to heal broken bones or big gashes in your skin or even just strained muscles. i don't have the time to heal from a major injury. i also spend money, what little money i have, on clothes and shoes and since i am not growing taller or wider (this is usually the case unless it is winter and i am adding my "extra layer" for warmth) they should last me awhile. kids don't worry about this they grow out of their clothes before they have a chance to wear them out. as far as being gussied up, well this is just vanity. i think that i need a little extra help from make up and hair products to look my best, but this may just be my perception because it is a habit and i am used to seeing myself a certain way. so there not as shallow as it sounded, a little vain, but not as shallow.
remember when you were a kid and you had "play clothes"? that set of clothes that maybe didn't fit as well anymore, or you had stained it somehow and mom wouldn't get rid of it so she has now deemed it play clothes? i think i need a set of play clothes. i am hoping to spend more time with mr. adventure which means i am going to have to rethink how i get ready for adventures. i am thinking my best option is to dress how i normally would and then pack a bag of play clothes. this sounds like a great idea, i can still look girly for the arrival, change if need be, and then have clean clothes to put on afterwards.
i like the idea of being more spontaneous. having more opportunities to enjoy the earth and drink in all of its wonders. to be able to satisfy all my senses in one moment or one experience. i definitely need a tour guide to accomplish this. i have spent the last several years living my life a certain way, just existing. i am at a point where i am done existing and wanting to live.
i spent my sunday afternoon with someone who i think will help me be more impulsive. i had gussied myself up, i am a girl this is what i do, and headed out for an adventure. note to self: adventure does not equal heels. i had to buy a pair of tennis shoes. for all of you people following my clothing challenge i am thinking that this does not disqualify me because i can't wear them to work. so anyway, cheap pair of sneakers and now i am off. we went to the boardwalk in bellingham, not sure what its official name is but it was a boardwalk. as we walked along the boardwalk i stopped to look at some interesting sap on a tree, watched the birds dive under water, and watched the other people.
then there was a tree, and the fella that i was with all of a sudden leaped up into this tree. i just kind of looked at him dumbfounded. do grown ups really climb trees? what in the world is he doing up there? he looks down at me, he is many branches high, and says, "come on up." i kind of chuckled to myself, "ummm i haven't climbed a tree in years." "so, come on." well i am not one to back down from a challenge, i took off my coat and hung it up on a branch of a nearby tree and stood in front of my opponent. now i am wearing a pair of jeans that has very little to no stretch to them. i know really stupid why in the world did i buy them? oh yeah, my butt looked good in them! anyway, i looked up and asked, "how did you get up there?" "i jumped up to the first branch." well yeah that wasn't happening i know that i am not related to the kangaroo family in any way, this girl has no hops. so i casually walked around the tree and found a lower branch that i could lift my worn out race legs up to. in no time i was up that tree, right next to mr. kangaroo monkey man. "impressive, there aren't too many girls who would've tried." like i said i am not one to back down from a challenge.
being up in that tree was pretty cool. like i said i haven't climbed a tree in years, but i stood on those branches and was able to see things from a different perspective. it was easier to take in the fragrance of the needles, bark and sap being in it. i could feel the strength of the limbs under my feet. the texture of the bark was bumpy and rough, this tree needed lotion was my first thought. i didn't get any sap on my hand, thank goodness it is so sticky, but maybe this is exactly what i need. the ground looked far away, i didn't get scared i am not afraid of heights, but it was pretty cool that i was all the way up there.
then i had to get down. why is it so much easier to get up then down? i studied the path that i took to get there, the space in between the branches seemed so far apart. did i really come up this way? i held onto the branch for dear life and let myself down searching for that lower branch with my feet. before i knew it my feet were planted firmly on the ground again, i dusted off my hands on my thighs and donned my coat.
i am not sure when i cared more about my appearance than having fun. holy cow saying that makes me sound so shallow, but hear me out i think i can rationalize this and make some sense of it. as i get older i worry more about getting hurt, injured, broken. it takes a long time to heal broken bones or big gashes in your skin or even just strained muscles. i don't have the time to heal from a major injury. i also spend money, what little money i have, on clothes and shoes and since i am not growing taller or wider (this is usually the case unless it is winter and i am adding my "extra layer" for warmth) they should last me awhile. kids don't worry about this they grow out of their clothes before they have a chance to wear them out. as far as being gussied up, well this is just vanity. i think that i need a little extra help from make up and hair products to look my best, but this may just be my perception because it is a habit and i am used to seeing myself a certain way. so there not as shallow as it sounded, a little vain, but not as shallow.
remember when you were a kid and you had "play clothes"? that set of clothes that maybe didn't fit as well anymore, or you had stained it somehow and mom wouldn't get rid of it so she has now deemed it play clothes? i think i need a set of play clothes. i am hoping to spend more time with mr. adventure which means i am going to have to rethink how i get ready for adventures. i am thinking my best option is to dress how i normally would and then pack a bag of play clothes. this sounds like a great idea, i can still look girly for the arrival, change if need be, and then have clean clothes to put on afterwards.
i like the idea of being more spontaneous. having more opportunities to enjoy the earth and drink in all of its wonders. to be able to satisfy all my senses in one moment or one experience. i definitely need a tour guide to accomplish this. i have spent the last several years living my life a certain way, just existing. i am at a point where i am done existing and wanting to live.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
4,330...mission accomplished!
4, 330 this was my ranking from the st. patty's day dash. sounds like a horrible number, but that is before you know just how many timed runners there were. well i don't know! i don't know the exact number, but i know it was over 10,000. so that isn't so bad, i am in the top half. woo hoo!!! the course was "nearly 4miles", this is what the website said about the distance. my time was 39:49. i am pleased with that. my goal was to run the whole way and finish. mission accomplished!
this was my first race since track in high school. in high school i ran the 4oo, once around, that is it. i had tried the 800 (two times around) and was a miserable 800 runner. the 400 was great an almost sprint for one lap, dude i can totally do that. somewhere in my sophomore year, i passed out during a race on the last turn before the straight away. yep, you read that right, i fell right in the middle of the race on the track. i woke up to my coach peering over the top of me. seriously embarrassing stuff, falling is NEVER cool! i never regained my composure after that, totally and completely psyched myself out, and never ran a race again.
it is funny how long that high school incident has stayed with me. my internal dialogue reminds me frequently, "hey heather? remember when you fell? yeah, you are NOT a runner." when i am running, i hear her cackling at me and have to block that voice out. when the cackling starts i tense up, my breathing becomes uneven and harried, my feet go driving through the pavement. then i have to yell at her, "shut up!" and relax the shoulders and breathing and purposefully put my feet back on the ground. i think i may have taken a step forward in quieting the evil voice in my head, as far as running is concerned.
the sheer magnitude of people who participated is awesome! every level of fitness, young (there were kids that were running much faster than i was), old timers, women and men, the completely serious racer to the attention getting knuckleheads, groups of friends who are creating memories to couples who are finding another way to be apart of their community and strengthen their marital bond, best friends and probably bitter enemies. every walk of life was represented at this race. the sense of community was strong.
we had a group of 11 runners. 10 women and one man, doc you are a trooper. our group consisted of 3 kindergarten teachers, 2 first grade teachers, 2 second grade teachers, the fitness teacher, and then the three misfits who aren't teachers but friends of these teachers; doc, cari and myself. the ride down was hysterical adorning our bodies with green eye shadow, green nail polish, shamrock stickers, affixing our race chips to our shoes, laughing at the ridiculousness of getting there an hour early, strategizing and basically just getting pumped for the race. nothing like a bunch of friends to pump you up.
it is finally race time. we are standing in the middle of the street in a huge mass of people. i am standing next to due due and shaff, these are the ladies i had been training with and wanted to start the race with my partners. we are all excited, i was a little nervous. then we are off. it is pouring down rain and we had not planned our "costumes" around the weather, rookie mistake. running three abreast is not easy, but we managed for awhile. i am several inches taller than shaff and due due which makes my stride longer than theirs and naturally i am always a few steps ahead of them. this is something i cannot help, i have tried taking smaller steps and that just looks silly. so i am with them for awhile and then turn to see them and all i see is a see of green strangers. oh well, i have lost my partners. it is just me and a sea of green.
i do not run with music. i have tried this several times and i simply can't handle that much noise being pumped into my ears. it gives me a headache. so instead of music i listened to the conversations going on around me. people catching up on their lives; new jobs, homes, boyfriends, updates on spouses. some talked about other races they ran, the weather of this race, comments about other runners costumes. i am naturally an eavesdropper. this can sometimes get me into to trouble, but i love humans they are just fascinating to me. being able to hear their conversations even though i have no idea who they are or who they are talking about is pure entertainment for me.
i wish i had taken more time to look at where i was. there were sooooo many people you really had to pay attention at what was happening around you so you didn't fall on top of someone or run up their legs. i do remember that there were lots of buildings, not sure if they were businesses or houses. i like all the architecture, especially in older buildings and homes, it would have been nice to look at some of it. i usually watch the sky and the trees and listen for the other creatures that inhabit our earth. i didn't get to do any of that either, such a shame. all i could really do was watch the road ahead of me. dodge mud puddles, get out of the way of the runners coming up from behind, and weave through small openings to pass groups of runners.
i crossed the finish line. yes, i did it! i didn't walk at all, i maintained a decent speed throughout the whole thing. i was a little bummed that i didn't have someone to celebrate with. i suppose i could've high-fived the person next to me, but i would've liked to have finished with my running mates. i reunited with the ladies who finished before me and got my congratulatory high-fives and hugs there. after the initial rush wore off, then the bone chilling cold took hold and i was instantly done being at the race. i was sopping wet head to toe, all the way through my clothes to my skin.
so the race was over. we all accomplished what we set out to do and it is time to head home. i am ready to sign up for another race, maybe in april. i may have caught the 5K bug. there is a tulip run in april and the great kilted run in may. you may see more postings about these soon (insert smiley face here).
this was my first race since track in high school. in high school i ran the 4oo, once around, that is it. i had tried the 800 (two times around) and was a miserable 800 runner. the 400 was great an almost sprint for one lap, dude i can totally do that. somewhere in my sophomore year, i passed out during a race on the last turn before the straight away. yep, you read that right, i fell right in the middle of the race on the track. i woke up to my coach peering over the top of me. seriously embarrassing stuff, falling is NEVER cool! i never regained my composure after that, totally and completely psyched myself out, and never ran a race again.
it is funny how long that high school incident has stayed with me. my internal dialogue reminds me frequently, "hey heather? remember when you fell? yeah, you are NOT a runner." when i am running, i hear her cackling at me and have to block that voice out. when the cackling starts i tense up, my breathing becomes uneven and harried, my feet go driving through the pavement. then i have to yell at her, "shut up!" and relax the shoulders and breathing and purposefully put my feet back on the ground. i think i may have taken a step forward in quieting the evil voice in my head, as far as running is concerned.
the sheer magnitude of people who participated is awesome! every level of fitness, young (there were kids that were running much faster than i was), old timers, women and men, the completely serious racer to the attention getting knuckleheads, groups of friends who are creating memories to couples who are finding another way to be apart of their community and strengthen their marital bond, best friends and probably bitter enemies. every walk of life was represented at this race. the sense of community was strong.
we had a group of 11 runners. 10 women and one man, doc you are a trooper. our group consisted of 3 kindergarten teachers, 2 first grade teachers, 2 second grade teachers, the fitness teacher, and then the three misfits who aren't teachers but friends of these teachers; doc, cari and myself. the ride down was hysterical adorning our bodies with green eye shadow, green nail polish, shamrock stickers, affixing our race chips to our shoes, laughing at the ridiculousness of getting there an hour early, strategizing and basically just getting pumped for the race. nothing like a bunch of friends to pump you up.
it is finally race time. we are standing in the middle of the street in a huge mass of people. i am standing next to due due and shaff, these are the ladies i had been training with and wanted to start the race with my partners. we are all excited, i was a little nervous. then we are off. it is pouring down rain and we had not planned our "costumes" around the weather, rookie mistake. running three abreast is not easy, but we managed for awhile. i am several inches taller than shaff and due due which makes my stride longer than theirs and naturally i am always a few steps ahead of them. this is something i cannot help, i have tried taking smaller steps and that just looks silly. so i am with them for awhile and then turn to see them and all i see is a see of green strangers. oh well, i have lost my partners. it is just me and a sea of green.
i do not run with music. i have tried this several times and i simply can't handle that much noise being pumped into my ears. it gives me a headache. so instead of music i listened to the conversations going on around me. people catching up on their lives; new jobs, homes, boyfriends, updates on spouses. some talked about other races they ran, the weather of this race, comments about other runners costumes. i am naturally an eavesdropper. this can sometimes get me into to trouble, but i love humans they are just fascinating to me. being able to hear their conversations even though i have no idea who they are or who they are talking about is pure entertainment for me.
i wish i had taken more time to look at where i was. there were sooooo many people you really had to pay attention at what was happening around you so you didn't fall on top of someone or run up their legs. i do remember that there were lots of buildings, not sure if they were businesses or houses. i like all the architecture, especially in older buildings and homes, it would have been nice to look at some of it. i usually watch the sky and the trees and listen for the other creatures that inhabit our earth. i didn't get to do any of that either, such a shame. all i could really do was watch the road ahead of me. dodge mud puddles, get out of the way of the runners coming up from behind, and weave through small openings to pass groups of runners.
i crossed the finish line. yes, i did it! i didn't walk at all, i maintained a decent speed throughout the whole thing. i was a little bummed that i didn't have someone to celebrate with. i suppose i could've high-fived the person next to me, but i would've liked to have finished with my running mates. i reunited with the ladies who finished before me and got my congratulatory high-fives and hugs there. after the initial rush wore off, then the bone chilling cold took hold and i was instantly done being at the race. i was sopping wet head to toe, all the way through my clothes to my skin.
so the race was over. we all accomplished what we set out to do and it is time to head home. i am ready to sign up for another race, maybe in april. i may have caught the 5K bug. there is a tulip run in april and the great kilted run in may. you may see more postings about these soon (insert smiley face here).
Monday, March 14, 2011
i was left with....why?
i attended a memorial service this weekend. i didn't know the young man who died. i went because he is my best friend's husband's nephew. she asked me to go to support her husband. i went without thinking twice about it. i would've gone without having to be asked, there are times in life when another human just needs to be supported and loved regardless of whether it fits into a schedule.
i have stalled writing about this. the experience was so powerful, raw, emotional, and incredible. there is a part of me that feels like this is a private family matter and then another part that feels it is so powerful it needs to be shared. this experience also hit close to home for me and i have been examining my own feelings and thoughts. so i have had a few days to reflect on my experience, talk with the family, work through my own feelings and i feel i am ready to share this experience.
the parking lot was packed. there weren't any limos or super fancy rigs just your average high school students vehicle. many of the cars had messages scrawled on the windows; "you will be missed." "what's the difference between an orange?" "you are in our hearts". i was greeted by a life size picture of Avalon. i had only met him once and quite honestly i don't remember him. i was astounded by how much he resembled his uncle frank and the redmon boys, it really took me back a second. he was a handsome young man with distinct features, probably the most prominent was his deliberate bald head and big rosy red cheeks. he looked happy and jovial.
the sanctuary was themed in green. i never found out why, maybe this was his favorite color? maybe it was because this month is traditionally associated with green? maybe it had a more symbolic meaning such as a reference to nature and the earth? i wish i knew, but it was still tastefully decorated. there were three large screens the center one played a video and the two that flanked it had the same picture from the foyer. i found myself staring at those photos looking for some sign as to why this happened, looking for sadness or despair and i never saw it in his face.
the memorial service was beautifully done. i was impressed by the poise and eloquence of the students. i have never encountered a group of youth with so much pride (not in arrogant way), love and openness about their grief. Avalon was in the school's choir, the men's ensemble and the men's quartet. the choir sang several times throughout the service. every time they took the stage, the other members left Avalon's space vacant. the symbolism was powerful, a way for them to honor the loss of their classmate and friend. they all kept their composure throughout each number and silently resumed their seats afterwards. when seated the support continued, several held hands between the rows (they took up 3 full rows of seats), some held their heads in their hands and were comforted by supportive hands on their backs. as a stranger to this young man it was incredible to see just how much his death impacted his peers they were truly heartbroken.
i left the service wondering why? why did this happen? why did Avalon feel like he had no other option but to end his own life? these are questions that will never be answered. they will haunt his family and friends forever.
i had mentioned that this hit close to home for me. i don't want to give too many details, because the nitty gritty isn't for me to share, but a person who i care about and will always care about attempted to end his life twice. he was almost successful in his quest. after the first time it happened, i had many questions. i struggled with two scenarios, both of them had huge consequences. i am thankful that i didn't have to face any of those consequences.
it seems often times we don't realize the impact we have on other's lives. i wonder if Avalon knew how big of a footprint he was going to leave behind? if he knew would his actions have been different? i can tell you first hand that his footprint is big, he impacted me and i had never had a conversation with him. i got to find out through the grieving of a nephew, just how much i personally have impacted the redmon family. i have always known that i am part of their family, i am always welcome whether i am invited or i just show up. i got to feel that which is so different from knowing it. i have never shared such an intimate and raw moment with frank before. to be able to trust someone enough to be vulnerable is powerful, pure and real. i will never ever again question, not that i ever did, our friendship it is strong and meaningful.
Avalon Drew Ligman was a really awesome young man. unfortunately we will never get to see how many more lives he would've touched. we will never get to see the difference he would have made in this world. i think he would've done awesome things. i am left knowing he has been released of his demons and that he is at peace. goodbye Avalon, you will be missed.
i have stalled writing about this. the experience was so powerful, raw, emotional, and incredible. there is a part of me that feels like this is a private family matter and then another part that feels it is so powerful it needs to be shared. this experience also hit close to home for me and i have been examining my own feelings and thoughts. so i have had a few days to reflect on my experience, talk with the family, work through my own feelings and i feel i am ready to share this experience.
the parking lot was packed. there weren't any limos or super fancy rigs just your average high school students vehicle. many of the cars had messages scrawled on the windows; "you will be missed." "what's the difference between an orange?" "you are in our hearts". i was greeted by a life size picture of Avalon. i had only met him once and quite honestly i don't remember him. i was astounded by how much he resembled his uncle frank and the redmon boys, it really took me back a second. he was a handsome young man with distinct features, probably the most prominent was his deliberate bald head and big rosy red cheeks. he looked happy and jovial.
the sanctuary was themed in green. i never found out why, maybe this was his favorite color? maybe it was because this month is traditionally associated with green? maybe it had a more symbolic meaning such as a reference to nature and the earth? i wish i knew, but it was still tastefully decorated. there were three large screens the center one played a video and the two that flanked it had the same picture from the foyer. i found myself staring at those photos looking for some sign as to why this happened, looking for sadness or despair and i never saw it in his face.
the memorial service was beautifully done. i was impressed by the poise and eloquence of the students. i have never encountered a group of youth with so much pride (not in arrogant way), love and openness about their grief. Avalon was in the school's choir, the men's ensemble and the men's quartet. the choir sang several times throughout the service. every time they took the stage, the other members left Avalon's space vacant. the symbolism was powerful, a way for them to honor the loss of their classmate and friend. they all kept their composure throughout each number and silently resumed their seats afterwards. when seated the support continued, several held hands between the rows (they took up 3 full rows of seats), some held their heads in their hands and were comforted by supportive hands on their backs. as a stranger to this young man it was incredible to see just how much his death impacted his peers they were truly heartbroken.
i left the service wondering why? why did this happen? why did Avalon feel like he had no other option but to end his own life? these are questions that will never be answered. they will haunt his family and friends forever.
i had mentioned that this hit close to home for me. i don't want to give too many details, because the nitty gritty isn't for me to share, but a person who i care about and will always care about attempted to end his life twice. he was almost successful in his quest. after the first time it happened, i had many questions. i struggled with two scenarios, both of them had huge consequences. i am thankful that i didn't have to face any of those consequences.
it seems often times we don't realize the impact we have on other's lives. i wonder if Avalon knew how big of a footprint he was going to leave behind? if he knew would his actions have been different? i can tell you first hand that his footprint is big, he impacted me and i had never had a conversation with him. i got to find out through the grieving of a nephew, just how much i personally have impacted the redmon family. i have always known that i am part of their family, i am always welcome whether i am invited or i just show up. i got to feel that which is so different from knowing it. i have never shared such an intimate and raw moment with frank before. to be able to trust someone enough to be vulnerable is powerful, pure and real. i will never ever again question, not that i ever did, our friendship it is strong and meaningful.
Avalon Drew Ligman was a really awesome young man. unfortunately we will never get to see how many more lives he would've touched. we will never get to see the difference he would have made in this world. i think he would've done awesome things. i am left knowing he has been released of his demons and that he is at peace. goodbye Avalon, you will be missed.
Friday, March 11, 2011
tough week.....
this has been a really hard week. my personal life has been great, but some of my really close friends are in the midst of nightmares. situations where your faith is tested. when you have to remind yourself that "everything happens for a reason". when you ask God for help and know that He will give you the opportunity to achieve what you are asking for.
it seems like sometimes things happen in life that just have no explanations. i do believe that everything happens for a reason. that in most unpleasant situations there is a lesson to be learned. wouldn't it be nice if the reason appeared on your doorstep wrapped up in a bow? or that the lesson was nicely bound with a leather cover an index and references to other sources for similar lessons? it can be exhausting, frustrating and often times a difficult journey to find the answers. i wonder though, if answers were easy to find and laid out right in front of us would we trust them? would we listen to what the answer is? would we continue to learn and grow as humans? i am positive that if all the answers were handed to me i wouldn't trust, listen or know myself.
so my bff shreddie (yep the one in belarus) had a tragic death in her extended family this week. i wish that there was more i could do for her, but thousands of miles seperate us. i am however, through the advances in technology able to see her via skype. if she were here, i would've wrapped her up in a big hug and just held her tight. there aren't words to make it better, or even words that will ease the pain her family is going through right now. she has been able to find some solace in the fact that her husband was able to board a plane to the states for the weekend to attend the memorial service. i will also be going to the memorial in hopes that another familiar face will bring some sense of normalcy to a surreal day.
throughout this week i have felt very thankful. thankful that i am considered trustworthy enough to share with. that my friends are comfortable enough around me that they can break down, be vulnerable and know that i am not going to judge them and be supportive. it is incredible to have that trust with another human being. i have never been one to claim i know the answers, quite the opposite i am looking for answers, but it is nice to be that "shoulder", to be able to reciprocate the support and love they have showed me.
i love you
it seems like sometimes things happen in life that just have no explanations. i do believe that everything happens for a reason. that in most unpleasant situations there is a lesson to be learned. wouldn't it be nice if the reason appeared on your doorstep wrapped up in a bow? or that the lesson was nicely bound with a leather cover an index and references to other sources for similar lessons? it can be exhausting, frustrating and often times a difficult journey to find the answers. i wonder though, if answers were easy to find and laid out right in front of us would we trust them? would we listen to what the answer is? would we continue to learn and grow as humans? i am positive that if all the answers were handed to me i wouldn't trust, listen or know myself.
so my bff shreddie (yep the one in belarus) had a tragic death in her extended family this week. i wish that there was more i could do for her, but thousands of miles seperate us. i am however, through the advances in technology able to see her via skype. if she were here, i would've wrapped her up in a big hug and just held her tight. there aren't words to make it better, or even words that will ease the pain her family is going through right now. she has been able to find some solace in the fact that her husband was able to board a plane to the states for the weekend to attend the memorial service. i will also be going to the memorial in hopes that another familiar face will bring some sense of normalcy to a surreal day.
throughout this week i have felt very thankful. thankful that i am considered trustworthy enough to share with. that my friends are comfortable enough around me that they can break down, be vulnerable and know that i am not going to judge them and be supportive. it is incredible to have that trust with another human being. i have never been one to claim i know the answers, quite the opposite i am looking for answers, but it is nice to be that "shoulder", to be able to reciprocate the support and love they have showed me.
i love you
Thursday, March 10, 2011
it started with a wink....
do you know this feeling? when your phone beeps because you got a new text and you hold breath for just a second longer anticipating what the message will say. when you have that little smile at the corner of your mouth when you read their name. when you smile at yourself in the mirror and think "someone is into this, me, wow". when you all of a sudden have an extra bounce to your step. when you shave your legs even if you don't have to. when you put on your good underwear, the sexy number that you save for that someone special. or maybe you suddenly find the rain romantic and imagine yourself caught out in the rain kissing like the scene from the notebook, man that was a romantic scene. or the birds are singing a song just to you like in snow white. or you've stopped listening to the drepressing music and have switched it out for something upbeat like, wonderful by adam ant. this feeling is intoxicating.
single ladies, when was the last time you wrote your name using his last name? do you remember doing this in 7th grade on your book cover? or writing it in your journal? i just recently went through old journals from middle & high school and was laughing out loud at how often my ''LOVE" changed; gordy, josh, rob, shawn, kent, phil, ryan, aaron....obviously it didn't take much! ha! it seemed like every couple of weeks i was madly in love with someone else and there was no reference as to why it changed or what happened with last weeks flavor. funny thing is these fellas probably never knew about my undying devotion (for that week), nor did i really have any boyfriends to speak of. i was just your typical teenage girl pining over the cute boy at the next desk or locker.
as a mid 30's woman, why does calling myself a woman make me feel like i am 85 with a cane? start again, as a mid 30's gal there are many times that a man will catch my eye. his smile, hair, physique, eyes, the words he uses, a laugh...really too many things to list that i get drawn to. oops, i got sidetracked thinking of someone i did have a thought and it is this, there are many things in life that will catch your eye..but only a few that will catch your heart...pursue those. i read that yesterday on my friend jen's facebook wall. this is so true. i find men attractive in many different ways, many different kinds of men, and to be honest lots of men, but there have only been a handful that speak to my heart. that i would consider worthy of pursuing. that i want to get to know better. that i share my hopes, dreams, loves, and dislikes with.
today i am intoxicated. i am filled with the warmth of love and excitement. there is a joy that is building from the inside and finds an exit through my smile. the rain is romantic. the birds are most definitely singing to me. i have an extra bounce in my step. i am wearing the "matching sets". and i even wrote my name using his last name, oh my gosh i am such a teenager, but i did. how long will it last? who knows a day, a week, a month, 6 months, a year, a lifetime? i don't know, i am along for the ride and will enjoy this feeling for as long it lasts.
single ladies, when was the last time you wrote your name using his last name? do you remember doing this in 7th grade on your book cover? or writing it in your journal? i just recently went through old journals from middle & high school and was laughing out loud at how often my ''LOVE" changed; gordy, josh, rob, shawn, kent, phil, ryan, aaron....obviously it didn't take much! ha! it seemed like every couple of weeks i was madly in love with someone else and there was no reference as to why it changed or what happened with last weeks flavor. funny thing is these fellas probably never knew about my undying devotion (for that week), nor did i really have any boyfriends to speak of. i was just your typical teenage girl pining over the cute boy at the next desk or locker.
as a mid 30's woman, why does calling myself a woman make me feel like i am 85 with a cane? start again, as a mid 30's gal there are many times that a man will catch my eye. his smile, hair, physique, eyes, the words he uses, a laugh...really too many things to list that i get drawn to. oops, i got sidetracked thinking of someone i did have a thought and it is this, there are many things in life that will catch your eye..but only a few that will catch your heart...pursue those. i read that yesterday on my friend jen's facebook wall. this is so true. i find men attractive in many different ways, many different kinds of men, and to be honest lots of men, but there have only been a handful that speak to my heart. that i would consider worthy of pursuing. that i want to get to know better. that i share my hopes, dreams, loves, and dislikes with.
today i am intoxicated. i am filled with the warmth of love and excitement. there is a joy that is building from the inside and finds an exit through my smile. the rain is romantic. the birds are most definitely singing to me. i have an extra bounce in my step. i am wearing the "matching sets". and i even wrote my name using his last name, oh my gosh i am such a teenager, but i did. how long will it last? who knows a day, a week, a month, 6 months, a year, a lifetime? i don't know, i am along for the ride and will enjoy this feeling for as long it lasts.
Monday, March 7, 2011
frien-niversary
i recently celebrated my first ever "frien-niversary". what is this you ask? well, my friend ty and i went out on our first adventure 1 year ago. our anniversary happens to coincide with my friend heath's birthday which makes it really easy to remember, because heath is good at reminding me that it is her birthday. haha heath, thanks for always including me, i love your birthday. anyway, ty and i, celebrated our one year of friendship (frien-niversary) by spending the day together.
here was the plan: pick up at 3pm, go play in seattle until dinner at 6pm at ruth's chris in bellevue, then a play at 8pm in issaquah. funny how plans even well thought out plans don't always work. first snafu, heath changed dinner plans from 6 in belleuve to 7 in seattle, she gets to do this it is her birthday. hmmm...so what do we do about the play, bag the play, pass tickets off to ty's parents and just eat. hot damn i love to eat, this is going to be a great day.
so ty shows up at my house, right on time, he is good about punctuality (i secretly like this about him), he walks through my door and i am a hot mess on my couch. here is the drama he walked in to; a deflated heap of heather wrapped up in a blanket staring straight ahead with mascara running down her face, snot coming out of her nose, and sweating. from the corner of my eye i noticed that he gently set his stuff down, he was so quiet kind of like i was sleeping and he didn't want to wake me, sat next to me and wrapped me up in a huge hug.
now ty has never seen me this way, well not this bad. i tend to lay it all out there and i know he has seen me cry, scared (trapezing, thought i was going to pee my pants), looking like i am going to puke everywhere (daughtry concert), laughing so hard my head looks like it is going to burst, i'm sure i've had food stuck in my teeth, shot crap out of my nose in laughter and anything else you can imagine ty has seen it, but he hasn't ever seen me so defeated. i didn't like that he saw me like this, but he handled it beautifully.
in true ty form he got me a gift to celebrate our anniversary. first i have to comment on guy wrapping. does manly colored plaid gift bag scream heather to you? this just made me smile and silently giggle to myself. anyway, there were two things in the bag. the first one i pulled out was squishy and felt really weird in my hands and i almost dropped it, but it was awesome. a whole bag of chocolate covered gummi bears, my fave! the other was a book, he knows how much i love to read, but it wasn't something i would've ever bought for myself... wait for it. well maybe a few clues; yellow caution tape adorns the cover, it is a rather thick book, it is a reference book....any ideas? ok, i will tell you "dating for dummies"! oh my word, i started laughing hysterically. so we sat and laughed our rears off reading some of the tips to have a successful first date and if it is going well how to pull off a successful 2nd date.
we never made it to seattle to play, but we did go to dinner. i mean really, like we were going to pass up dinner at ruth's chris. so i have never eaten at this establishment before and i was quickly reminded why i am more comfortable in a dive bar. i am a complete spaz. i definitely lack some manners. as we were walking up to the front door i could see our party sitting in the lounge and i pressed myself up against the full length windows. strike one, you just don't do this at a nice establishment, but at least they knew that we had arrived! walk in hugs all around. have i ever said how much i love a hug and not the wimpy just around the shoulder hug, give me a full body hug, hug me like you mean it.
we are escorted to our table. a round table, this is good there are no edges so no one is feeling like they are on the "end". i hate that, i always weasel my way into the middle, i hate the end. there is happy birthday confetti on the table. our server, lance, says i see we are celebrating a birthday (duh why else would there be confetti) and heath raises her hand and so do i. ha! lance looks at me and says, "it's your birthday too?" well no, but i couldn't resist. then lance asked if we had all eaten here before. nope, i haven't. so i got the run down on the place, what they are known for, blah blah blah....
i find menus overwhelming. i love food, well except for the potatoes and veggies and everything looks so yummy. the menu has tons of options and everything is a la carte...i don't like those menus. you have to make too many decisions. for those of you who know me well, you know that i am a horrible decision maker. anyway, ty comes to rescue and says, "we are going all out steak and lobster." sweet! no veggies for me, but i want a salad. this brings me to another problem...i like salad, in fact i really like salads, but lettuce doesn't really care for me so much. grrr....ty reminds me that i am in my own car, "get your salad on." so we have ordered our frien-niversary dinner 1 ceasar salad to split and 2 steak and lobster dinners with a side of mushrooms (eww those mushrooms are not for me).
so strike 2, i scraped my place setting clean by pushing all my crumbs on the floor. i didn't want my pristine creamy white tablecloth to have bread crumbs on it when my entree came. just as i finished clearing my space a staff person came by with this little scraper thing and a plate and started cleaning everyone's space. i looked over at ty and started giggling, he looked back at me with a questioning face, "i just scraped all my crumbs onto the floor." now we are both giggling. in a dive bar you are supposed to put your crumbs on the floor, how was i supposed to know that there is a person on staff that goes around to each table scraping up the crumbs?
strike 3, is my commentary with lance about the plates that our entrees were served on. our plates are set on the table. now, if we had all been walked in and set at our table blindfolded i would've thought that we were in a mexican joint and we had all ordered fajitas. it was so noisy, all of our plates were sizzling. lance tells us that the plates are really hot, 140 degrees hot. ummmm...wait just a minute this seems dangerous so i ask, "how long before our plates cool down so we don't burn ourselves?" ty is giggling at me. "well your plate will stay hot throughout your meal." oh my word now i am really worried, "do you have heat proof gloves so i don't burn myself?" ty is still giggling at me and lance is looking at me like i am a complete idiot.
i didn't burn myself, my food was amazing, and my company was even better. what a super way to spend my frien-niversary! i can't wait for my next frien-niversay and to celebrate another year of heath being older than me. thank you ty for being such a wonderful friend. thank you heather for always including me in your celebrations, i can't think of a better way to spend feb. 26th.
here was the plan: pick up at 3pm, go play in seattle until dinner at 6pm at ruth's chris in bellevue, then a play at 8pm in issaquah. funny how plans even well thought out plans don't always work. first snafu, heath changed dinner plans from 6 in belleuve to 7 in seattle, she gets to do this it is her birthday. hmmm...so what do we do about the play, bag the play, pass tickets off to ty's parents and just eat. hot damn i love to eat, this is going to be a great day.
so ty shows up at my house, right on time, he is good about punctuality (i secretly like this about him), he walks through my door and i am a hot mess on my couch. here is the drama he walked in to; a deflated heap of heather wrapped up in a blanket staring straight ahead with mascara running down her face, snot coming out of her nose, and sweating. from the corner of my eye i noticed that he gently set his stuff down, he was so quiet kind of like i was sleeping and he didn't want to wake me, sat next to me and wrapped me up in a huge hug.
now ty has never seen me this way, well not this bad. i tend to lay it all out there and i know he has seen me cry, scared (trapezing, thought i was going to pee my pants), looking like i am going to puke everywhere (daughtry concert), laughing so hard my head looks like it is going to burst, i'm sure i've had food stuck in my teeth, shot crap out of my nose in laughter and anything else you can imagine ty has seen it, but he hasn't ever seen me so defeated. i didn't like that he saw me like this, but he handled it beautifully.
in true ty form he got me a gift to celebrate our anniversary. first i have to comment on guy wrapping. does manly colored plaid gift bag scream heather to you? this just made me smile and silently giggle to myself. anyway, there were two things in the bag. the first one i pulled out was squishy and felt really weird in my hands and i almost dropped it, but it was awesome. a whole bag of chocolate covered gummi bears, my fave! the other was a book, he knows how much i love to read, but it wasn't something i would've ever bought for myself... wait for it. well maybe a few clues; yellow caution tape adorns the cover, it is a rather thick book, it is a reference book....any ideas? ok, i will tell you "dating for dummies"! oh my word, i started laughing hysterically. so we sat and laughed our rears off reading some of the tips to have a successful first date and if it is going well how to pull off a successful 2nd date.
we never made it to seattle to play, but we did go to dinner. i mean really, like we were going to pass up dinner at ruth's chris. so i have never eaten at this establishment before and i was quickly reminded why i am more comfortable in a dive bar. i am a complete spaz. i definitely lack some manners. as we were walking up to the front door i could see our party sitting in the lounge and i pressed myself up against the full length windows. strike one, you just don't do this at a nice establishment, but at least they knew that we had arrived! walk in hugs all around. have i ever said how much i love a hug and not the wimpy just around the shoulder hug, give me a full body hug, hug me like you mean it.
we are escorted to our table. a round table, this is good there are no edges so no one is feeling like they are on the "end". i hate that, i always weasel my way into the middle, i hate the end. there is happy birthday confetti on the table. our server, lance, says i see we are celebrating a birthday (duh why else would there be confetti) and heath raises her hand and so do i. ha! lance looks at me and says, "it's your birthday too?" well no, but i couldn't resist. then lance asked if we had all eaten here before. nope, i haven't. so i got the run down on the place, what they are known for, blah blah blah....
i find menus overwhelming. i love food, well except for the potatoes and veggies and everything looks so yummy. the menu has tons of options and everything is a la carte...i don't like those menus. you have to make too many decisions. for those of you who know me well, you know that i am a horrible decision maker. anyway, ty comes to rescue and says, "we are going all out steak and lobster." sweet! no veggies for me, but i want a salad. this brings me to another problem...i like salad, in fact i really like salads, but lettuce doesn't really care for me so much. grrr....ty reminds me that i am in my own car, "get your salad on." so we have ordered our frien-niversary dinner 1 ceasar salad to split and 2 steak and lobster dinners with a side of mushrooms (eww those mushrooms are not for me).
so strike 2, i scraped my place setting clean by pushing all my crumbs on the floor. i didn't want my pristine creamy white tablecloth to have bread crumbs on it when my entree came. just as i finished clearing my space a staff person came by with this little scraper thing and a plate and started cleaning everyone's space. i looked over at ty and started giggling, he looked back at me with a questioning face, "i just scraped all my crumbs onto the floor." now we are both giggling. in a dive bar you are supposed to put your crumbs on the floor, how was i supposed to know that there is a person on staff that goes around to each table scraping up the crumbs?
strike 3, is my commentary with lance about the plates that our entrees were served on. our plates are set on the table. now, if we had all been walked in and set at our table blindfolded i would've thought that we were in a mexican joint and we had all ordered fajitas. it was so noisy, all of our plates were sizzling. lance tells us that the plates are really hot, 140 degrees hot. ummmm...wait just a minute this seems dangerous so i ask, "how long before our plates cool down so we don't burn ourselves?" ty is giggling at me. "well your plate will stay hot throughout your meal." oh my word now i am really worried, "do you have heat proof gloves so i don't burn myself?" ty is still giggling at me and lance is looking at me like i am a complete idiot.
i didn't burn myself, my food was amazing, and my company was even better. what a super way to spend my frien-niversary! i can't wait for my next frien-niversay and to celebrate another year of heath being older than me. thank you ty for being such a wonderful friend. thank you heather for always including me in your celebrations, i can't think of a better way to spend feb. 26th.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
jeans and a white t-shirt
one of the most basic combinations of clothes and this is by far my favorite, is jeans and a white t-shirt. this combination is like owning a toothbrush. everyone should have these two items, if you don't well go get them for heavens sake.
jeans, whether that be skinny, boot leg, flair, or straight leg, it doesn't really matter to me, but your favorite pair of jeans is like an old friend. i have my favorites, this is plural because it depends on what i am doing to determine which favorite pair i am going to wear. i have two pairs of skinnies, but one i like better than the other. when i wear flat shoes i have one pair that i like better, my david kahns with the inverted pleat pocket, so comfy and cute. if i am going to throw on some heels well then i have several pairs but one i pull out over and over, these have a spider web design in the front pocket, how cool is that?!
when you add a white t-shirt, long or short sleeve, to your favorite jeans it can look really casual especially with a pair of sneakers or flip flops. however, the same pair of jeans and white tee can be transformed into a snazzy outfit with different shoes, jewelry, a scarf, or a blazer. there is an art to just the right accessories and not over doing it, but i don't know that art. so i forgo the jewelry and blazer and stick to shoes and scarves. this seems to be my "go-to" outfit. it is simple, always looks pulled together, can be casual or snazzy, and i know it fits. needless to say i go through a lot of white t-shirts, but really these should be repurchased every season, it is a staple.
Outfits for Feb. 28th - Mar. 4th:
Monday: purple and pink striped pleated skirt, white long sleeve t-shirt, dark gray waffle knit short sleeve sweater, gray tights and purple peep toe flannel pumps.
Wednesday: brown and white zebra print tank dress, brown v-neck sweater, brown tights and brown boots
Thursday: ltd jean skirt with insets (flouncy skirt not wind proof), black cable knit scoop neck sweater, black tights and scrunchy black suede boots.
Friday: leaf pattern short sleeve shirt dress, black tights, boots and belt
jeans, whether that be skinny, boot leg, flair, or straight leg, it doesn't really matter to me, but your favorite pair of jeans is like an old friend. i have my favorites, this is plural because it depends on what i am doing to determine which favorite pair i am going to wear. i have two pairs of skinnies, but one i like better than the other. when i wear flat shoes i have one pair that i like better, my david kahns with the inverted pleat pocket, so comfy and cute. if i am going to throw on some heels well then i have several pairs but one i pull out over and over, these have a spider web design in the front pocket, how cool is that?!
when you add a white t-shirt, long or short sleeve, to your favorite jeans it can look really casual especially with a pair of sneakers or flip flops. however, the same pair of jeans and white tee can be transformed into a snazzy outfit with different shoes, jewelry, a scarf, or a blazer. there is an art to just the right accessories and not over doing it, but i don't know that art. so i forgo the jewelry and blazer and stick to shoes and scarves. this seems to be my "go-to" outfit. it is simple, always looks pulled together, can be casual or snazzy, and i know it fits. needless to say i go through a lot of white t-shirts, but really these should be repurchased every season, it is a staple.
Outfits for Feb. 28th - Mar. 4th:
Monday: purple and pink striped pleated skirt, white long sleeve t-shirt, dark gray waffle knit short sleeve sweater, gray tights and purple peep toe flannel pumps.
Wednesday: brown and white zebra print tank dress, brown v-neck sweater, brown tights and brown boots
Thursday: ltd jean skirt with insets (flouncy skirt not wind proof), black cable knit scoop neck sweater, black tights and scrunchy black suede boots.
Friday: leaf pattern short sleeve shirt dress, black tights, boots and belt
i believe...
i went to church today. it was the first time i had gone since october 2010. i didn't show up on time, and to be completely honest i was a little nervous to show my face. i have had my reasons for not going and i didn't want to have to explain myself. i didn't want to the face the questions or the judgment. just to clarify, i don't think that there are that many people who noticed that i was gone, but i do have several relationships with families at our church and i know that they have noticed.
it was hard to go. not for the reasons that you might think. i don't have a problem getting up on time. i don't have a problem finding something to wear, you all the know the vastness of my closet. my kids enjoy going to church, except they always ask, "is it almost done?" i like the songs, i like the social aspect, i even get something out of the sermons. i enjoy the firmness of the pews, the routine of standing up to sing and sitting down to listen, the bowing of my head to pray. so what's the problem?
i find being at church really emotional. i cry sitting in the pews looking around at the other parishioners. it is difficult to see other "families". i guess i should clarify, traditional families. i always sit with my friend beth, her 3 kids and husband. i am surrounded by other traditional two parent families and their children and it breaks my heart that i don't have that. it breaks my heart that my children are not wedged in between their mother and father.
i also feel very transparent at church. as if i am wearing posters of all the sins that i have committed, all the wrongs i have done against someone else, all the times i have not been who i know i am to please someone else, the untruths, the face i wear that isn't always me. i do not like this feeling whatsoever, it is uncomfortable, shameful, disgraceful...do you have any to add?
back in october, i couldn't keep it together during a service. i would gather my children on either side of me and sqeeze them, sometimes to their discomfort, and just cry. this behavior and expression of emotion was not only uncomfortable for me, i don't like people to see me that deflated and vulnerable, it was uncomfortable for my children, the excessive hugging, and it was uncomfortable for my pew mates. beth never says anything, but i can feel her looking at me out of the corner of her eye and i know she is there if i want to talk to her, but i just can't. so instead of continuing this "performance" every sunday morning, i took a break.
during my "break" i made every excuse in the book not to go or i had plans during church time. sometimes i would just lay in my bed and do nothing and watch the clock tick tock knowing that my friends were sitting 2 miles from me. for some reason today i was brave. i was ready to "face the music", answer the questions if they were going to be asked, and be a part of the routine of a sunday morning that i used to really like.
i cried more than once. i stood up to sing and sat down to pray. i looked around at the traditional families that i wish i had and realized i never really had what the families i am looking at have. my ex rarely came to church with us and if he did he usually had an excuse to leave early. we didn't sit with our kids wedged in between us, we weren't sharing another experience as a family. if he came he didn't want to be there and i didn't want him there for me, i wanted him there because he wanted to be there, but that never happened.
a nice woman in a blue sweater came up to me today, i wish i knew her name but i don't. she said, "it is nice to see you again, we have missed you." i said, "thank you." and she gave me a hug. i suppose my perception of being judged is just that, my perception. i am not transparent. i do not have posters attached to myself for all to see. the judgment comes from me and only me. i am my own worst enemy. i may not have the family that others at church have, but the family that i want i already have and i can wedge myself in between those two kids anytime i want. they may not like it, but i will.
i will leave you with this, my daughter's statement in regards to heaven, "i want to look like a kid up there, i dont want to look like an old granny!"
it was hard to go. not for the reasons that you might think. i don't have a problem getting up on time. i don't have a problem finding something to wear, you all the know the vastness of my closet. my kids enjoy going to church, except they always ask, "is it almost done?" i like the songs, i like the social aspect, i even get something out of the sermons. i enjoy the firmness of the pews, the routine of standing up to sing and sitting down to listen, the bowing of my head to pray. so what's the problem?
i find being at church really emotional. i cry sitting in the pews looking around at the other parishioners. it is difficult to see other "families". i guess i should clarify, traditional families. i always sit with my friend beth, her 3 kids and husband. i am surrounded by other traditional two parent families and their children and it breaks my heart that i don't have that. it breaks my heart that my children are not wedged in between their mother and father.
i also feel very transparent at church. as if i am wearing posters of all the sins that i have committed, all the wrongs i have done against someone else, all the times i have not been who i know i am to please someone else, the untruths, the face i wear that isn't always me. i do not like this feeling whatsoever, it is uncomfortable, shameful, disgraceful...do you have any to add?
back in october, i couldn't keep it together during a service. i would gather my children on either side of me and sqeeze them, sometimes to their discomfort, and just cry. this behavior and expression of emotion was not only uncomfortable for me, i don't like people to see me that deflated and vulnerable, it was uncomfortable for my children, the excessive hugging, and it was uncomfortable for my pew mates. beth never says anything, but i can feel her looking at me out of the corner of her eye and i know she is there if i want to talk to her, but i just can't. so instead of continuing this "performance" every sunday morning, i took a break.
during my "break" i made every excuse in the book not to go or i had plans during church time. sometimes i would just lay in my bed and do nothing and watch the clock tick tock knowing that my friends were sitting 2 miles from me. for some reason today i was brave. i was ready to "face the music", answer the questions if they were going to be asked, and be a part of the routine of a sunday morning that i used to really like.
i cried more than once. i stood up to sing and sat down to pray. i looked around at the traditional families that i wish i had and realized i never really had what the families i am looking at have. my ex rarely came to church with us and if he did he usually had an excuse to leave early. we didn't sit with our kids wedged in between us, we weren't sharing another experience as a family. if he came he didn't want to be there and i didn't want him there for me, i wanted him there because he wanted to be there, but that never happened.
a nice woman in a blue sweater came up to me today, i wish i knew her name but i don't. she said, "it is nice to see you again, we have missed you." i said, "thank you." and she gave me a hug. i suppose my perception of being judged is just that, my perception. i am not transparent. i do not have posters attached to myself for all to see. the judgment comes from me and only me. i am my own worst enemy. i may not have the family that others at church have, but the family that i want i already have and i can wedge myself in between those two kids anytime i want. they may not like it, but i will.
i will leave you with this, my daughter's statement in regards to heaven, "i want to look like a kid up there, i dont want to look like an old granny!"
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
check "yes" or "no"
communication. i have been told this is the key to relationships. so, why do i find it so hard to convey what it is i am really trying to say? i am good at bullshitting. i am also good at stringing a bunch of words together that results in a statement of no importance or relevance. i am even good at saying what i want to say to someone besides who i really want to say it to. however, when i am faced with conveying something meaningful to someone who should and supposed to really hear me, i freeze.
1. finding the time:
lately i have found myself so consumed with the thoughts in my head, the responsibilities of being a single mom, my paying job, keeping up with my friends and family and making sure that everyone needs are met that i have kind of shut down. it is overwhelming and exhausting. i have stopped communicating. this is when i should be communicating more, but i just can't seem to find the time. this sounds completely stupid, "i don't have time to talk to you." but it is true. i feel like when i do find a spare moment to make a phone call (this is the big one) or send an email, i start to do it and then get interrupted. by the time i am done with whatever the interruption was i have forgotten about the call or email (call especially) and move on to the next thing on the agenda.
i have stopped communicating with my parents mostly. there is so much to learn from them and i should be bouncing all my frustrations and questions off of them and i haven't. i know that they will always be there and love me and maybe this is why i turn to them last. or maybe it is just because my friends are right here, i see them all the time at school with the kids and i don't have to make a special effort to talk to them. where as my parents, i have to call them, as i mentioned above using the phone is a challenge for me. i could stop in and say hi, but i don't seem to find time to do that either. my free time is so wrapped up with kid obligations that finding down time to go visit is few and far between. i don't like it and i am trying to change this, but it isn't going as quickly as i or my parents would like.
2. saying something important without creating waves
i have always been the girl who doesn't like to make waves, keep the peace, go with the flow. whatever you want to call it, that is how i am. being the peacekeeper makes it challenging to speak your mind. i don't want to hurt anyones feelings. i don't want to create an argument. i'm afraid that what i have to say may make you dislike me. i have a hard time expressing my frustrations or needs without being critical and accusatory.
i can visualize the words i want to say, but can't seem to vocalize them. i have often said, " i am better written than oral." it just seems easier for me to write something down than say it out loud. when i say things out loud i tend to add too many words, ramble, and then i lose track of where i was going with my thoughts. if i write things down i can usually stay on track, ramble less and be able to erase and rewrite so i don't misconstrue thoughts. however, with written words it is harder to get the intonation, the feeling and meaning behind what is trying to be said. you get to put your own spin on things and your spin may not be what i am trying to say.
when i am faced with expressing my needs or having to say NO to someone i find myself getting anxious. i completely clam up. i suppose most of this "shut down" comes from not believing that i am worthy of my requests. who would've guessed that? i think that i come across as a person who isn't afraid to speak her mind and that is true if i am talking to someone who the message isn't intended for. please don't read too far into this, i am know that i deserve and am worthy of what i want, but there is always that little voice that says, "seriously woman, you haven't earned what you are requesting." i am not sure why that voice trumps what i know, but it always makes me cautious and usually i end up biting my tongue.
so i am left in a pickle!! i believe that i am a good person, i generally treat others the way i want to be treated, i give what i can because i believe that if you put out good things it will come back to you, i just can't express myself orally to you. i am slowly finding a strength and courage within myself to step outside my comfort zone and take a chance, but it is scary. so if we are having a serious conversation and i hand you a note, just go with it. if i send you a text even though you are sitting on the couch next to me, well at least you know i am listening and responding.
gosh i long for the days of my youth when you could just pass a note, "do you want to go out with me?" and there would have been two boxes "yes" or "no". you got to check the box and pass it back. no actual words were passed, there wasn't any explanation that needed to be given, you just looked at the box checked and moved forward. now you have to explain yourself, have an in depth meaningful conversation and be tactful using your actual voice and your own thoughts. man being a grown up is tough....
1. finding the time:
lately i have found myself so consumed with the thoughts in my head, the responsibilities of being a single mom, my paying job, keeping up with my friends and family and making sure that everyone needs are met that i have kind of shut down. it is overwhelming and exhausting. i have stopped communicating. this is when i should be communicating more, but i just can't seem to find the time. this sounds completely stupid, "i don't have time to talk to you." but it is true. i feel like when i do find a spare moment to make a phone call (this is the big one) or send an email, i start to do it and then get interrupted. by the time i am done with whatever the interruption was i have forgotten about the call or email (call especially) and move on to the next thing on the agenda.
i have stopped communicating with my parents mostly. there is so much to learn from them and i should be bouncing all my frustrations and questions off of them and i haven't. i know that they will always be there and love me and maybe this is why i turn to them last. or maybe it is just because my friends are right here, i see them all the time at school with the kids and i don't have to make a special effort to talk to them. where as my parents, i have to call them, as i mentioned above using the phone is a challenge for me. i could stop in and say hi, but i don't seem to find time to do that either. my free time is so wrapped up with kid obligations that finding down time to go visit is few and far between. i don't like it and i am trying to change this, but it isn't going as quickly as i or my parents would like.
2. saying something important without creating waves
i have always been the girl who doesn't like to make waves, keep the peace, go with the flow. whatever you want to call it, that is how i am. being the peacekeeper makes it challenging to speak your mind. i don't want to hurt anyones feelings. i don't want to create an argument. i'm afraid that what i have to say may make you dislike me. i have a hard time expressing my frustrations or needs without being critical and accusatory.
i can visualize the words i want to say, but can't seem to vocalize them. i have often said, " i am better written than oral." it just seems easier for me to write something down than say it out loud. when i say things out loud i tend to add too many words, ramble, and then i lose track of where i was going with my thoughts. if i write things down i can usually stay on track, ramble less and be able to erase and rewrite so i don't misconstrue thoughts. however, with written words it is harder to get the intonation, the feeling and meaning behind what is trying to be said. you get to put your own spin on things and your spin may not be what i am trying to say.
when i am faced with expressing my needs or having to say NO to someone i find myself getting anxious. i completely clam up. i suppose most of this "shut down" comes from not believing that i am worthy of my requests. who would've guessed that? i think that i come across as a person who isn't afraid to speak her mind and that is true if i am talking to someone who the message isn't intended for. please don't read too far into this, i am know that i deserve and am worthy of what i want, but there is always that little voice that says, "seriously woman, you haven't earned what you are requesting." i am not sure why that voice trumps what i know, but it always makes me cautious and usually i end up biting my tongue.
so i am left in a pickle!! i believe that i am a good person, i generally treat others the way i want to be treated, i give what i can because i believe that if you put out good things it will come back to you, i just can't express myself orally to you. i am slowly finding a strength and courage within myself to step outside my comfort zone and take a chance, but it is scary. so if we are having a serious conversation and i hand you a note, just go with it. if i send you a text even though you are sitting on the couch next to me, well at least you know i am listening and responding.
gosh i long for the days of my youth when you could just pass a note, "do you want to go out with me?" and there would have been two boxes "yes" or "no". you got to check the box and pass it back. no actual words were passed, there wasn't any explanation that needed to be given, you just looked at the box checked and moved forward. now you have to explain yourself, have an in depth meaningful conversation and be tactful using your actual voice and your own thoughts. man being a grown up is tough....
accessories!!!
accessories, accesssories, accessories! belts, scarfs, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, and these days headbands seem to be really big. this is probably the area that i could use some work.
i am not a big necklace wearer, they always get in the way. my necklaces are scarfs. i love scarfs. i have many of them. there are lots of ways to wear scarves. i am not sure how you wear yours but i wrap it aroudn my neck and leave two loose ends down the front of my torso. sometimes i tie those loose ends if the ends are too long, but not usually. i am forever building my scarf collection.
i am also a big earring person, size and collection. i love earrings in general; studs, dangly, shiny, gold, silver, colored, costume or real. like shoes it doesn't seem to matter what number shows up on the scale earrings always fit! for me earrings are like underwear, i change them everyday. ha you thought i was going somewhere else with that! anyway, i currently have 2 holes in each ear and have been thinking about getting a 3rd. i have 2 sets of diamond studs that i love and would like to wear all the time, but that would mean i can't wear the fun earrings that i have. so maybe i will get to it, maybe i won't, but i've been debating for a few years now. this is it for jewelry, occasionally i wear a necklace or bracelet(s) but they seem fussy and i am generally not a fussy girl.
this was a short work week for me. monday was a holiday, no work, tuesday i am at school, thursday was a snow day and then today is casual friday. so i really didn't have the opportunity to get "dressed up" this week. with all of that, i am in my first repeat piece of clothing. the funny thing about this, is i rarely wear this shirt, a couple of times a year at most. so to wear it twice in just a few weeks is nutty. i always forget that i have it and i shouldn't because it is a really versatile item. it is basic, thin enough for layering and for a dressier shirt it is really, really comfortable (must be the stretchy material). my CAbi ladies will know what shirt this is, white zip front with cotton collar and cuffs, you probably all have one.
wednesday: black super thin turtleneck, coffee been patterned tunic, plum colored batwing sweater, black leggings and black boots (this looks a little streetwalkerish, but i was struggling to pull layers together today, it is snowing!!)
thursday: snow day, stayed home with the kids...but i had on jeans, black and white striped turtleneck and my black school sweatshirt with my purple boots.
friday: casual friday at work..yahoo!! raspberry v-neck sweater, white zip front blouse, jeans, scrunchy scarf, carmel leather boots, floral trench.
i am not a big necklace wearer, they always get in the way. my necklaces are scarfs. i love scarfs. i have many of them. there are lots of ways to wear scarves. i am not sure how you wear yours but i wrap it aroudn my neck and leave two loose ends down the front of my torso. sometimes i tie those loose ends if the ends are too long, but not usually. i am forever building my scarf collection.
i am also a big earring person, size and collection. i love earrings in general; studs, dangly, shiny, gold, silver, colored, costume or real. like shoes it doesn't seem to matter what number shows up on the scale earrings always fit! for me earrings are like underwear, i change them everyday. ha you thought i was going somewhere else with that! anyway, i currently have 2 holes in each ear and have been thinking about getting a 3rd. i have 2 sets of diamond studs that i love and would like to wear all the time, but that would mean i can't wear the fun earrings that i have. so maybe i will get to it, maybe i won't, but i've been debating for a few years now. this is it for jewelry, occasionally i wear a necklace or bracelet(s) but they seem fussy and i am generally not a fussy girl.
this was a short work week for me. monday was a holiday, no work, tuesday i am at school, thursday was a snow day and then today is casual friday. so i really didn't have the opportunity to get "dressed up" this week. with all of that, i am in my first repeat piece of clothing. the funny thing about this, is i rarely wear this shirt, a couple of times a year at most. so to wear it twice in just a few weeks is nutty. i always forget that i have it and i shouldn't because it is a really versatile item. it is basic, thin enough for layering and for a dressier shirt it is really, really comfortable (must be the stretchy material). my CAbi ladies will know what shirt this is, white zip front with cotton collar and cuffs, you probably all have one.
wednesday: black super thin turtleneck, coffee been patterned tunic, plum colored batwing sweater, black leggings and black boots (this looks a little streetwalkerish, but i was struggling to pull layers together today, it is snowing!!)
thursday: snow day, stayed home with the kids...but i had on jeans, black and white striped turtleneck and my black school sweatshirt with my purple boots.
friday: casual friday at work..yahoo!! raspberry v-neck sweater, white zip front blouse, jeans, scrunchy scarf, carmel leather boots, floral trench.
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