i went to church today. it was the first time i had gone since october 2010. i didn't show up on time, and to be completely honest i was a little nervous to show my face. i have had my reasons for not going and i didn't want to have to explain myself. i didn't want to the face the questions or the judgment. just to clarify, i don't think that there are that many people who noticed that i was gone, but i do have several relationships with families at our church and i know that they have noticed.
it was hard to go. not for the reasons that you might think. i don't have a problem getting up on time. i don't have a problem finding something to wear, you all the know the vastness of my closet. my kids enjoy going to church, except they always ask, "is it almost done?" i like the songs, i like the social aspect, i even get something out of the sermons. i enjoy the firmness of the pews, the routine of standing up to sing and sitting down to listen, the bowing of my head to pray. so what's the problem?
i find being at church really emotional. i cry sitting in the pews looking around at the other parishioners. it is difficult to see other "families". i guess i should clarify, traditional families. i always sit with my friend beth, her 3 kids and husband. i am surrounded by other traditional two parent families and their children and it breaks my heart that i don't have that. it breaks my heart that my children are not wedged in between their mother and father.
i also feel very transparent at church. as if i am wearing posters of all the sins that i have committed, all the wrongs i have done against someone else, all the times i have not been who i know i am to please someone else, the untruths, the face i wear that isn't always me. i do not like this feeling whatsoever, it is uncomfortable, shameful, disgraceful...do you have any to add?
back in october, i couldn't keep it together during a service. i would gather my children on either side of me and sqeeze them, sometimes to their discomfort, and just cry. this behavior and expression of emotion was not only uncomfortable for me, i don't like people to see me that deflated and vulnerable, it was uncomfortable for my children, the excessive hugging, and it was uncomfortable for my pew mates. beth never says anything, but i can feel her looking at me out of the corner of her eye and i know she is there if i want to talk to her, but i just can't. so instead of continuing this "performance" every sunday morning, i took a break.
during my "break" i made every excuse in the book not to go or i had plans during church time. sometimes i would just lay in my bed and do nothing and watch the clock tick tock knowing that my friends were sitting 2 miles from me. for some reason today i was brave. i was ready to "face the music", answer the questions if they were going to be asked, and be a part of the routine of a sunday morning that i used to really like.
i cried more than once. i stood up to sing and sat down to pray. i looked around at the traditional families that i wish i had and realized i never really had what the families i am looking at have. my ex rarely came to church with us and if he did he usually had an excuse to leave early. we didn't sit with our kids wedged in between us, we weren't sharing another experience as a family. if he came he didn't want to be there and i didn't want him there for me, i wanted him there because he wanted to be there, but that never happened.
a nice woman in a blue sweater came up to me today, i wish i knew her name but i don't. she said, "it is nice to see you again, we have missed you." i said, "thank you." and she gave me a hug. i suppose my perception of being judged is just that, my perception. i am not transparent. i do not have posters attached to myself for all to see. the judgment comes from me and only me. i am my own worst enemy. i may not have the family that others at church have, but the family that i want i already have and i can wedge myself in between those two kids anytime i want. they may not like it, but i will.
i will leave you with this, my daughter's statement in regards to heaven, "i want to look like a kid up there, i dont want to look like an old granny!"
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