there is something that i need to address. i hear from several friends don't be so hard on yourself. i can see how anyone who reads my thoughts would get the impression that i am an "emotional cutter", carefully choosing an inconspicuous place on my stretch marked canvas to make my next cut. precisely carving an intricate web of hate and doubt just to watch the pain oozing from my skin. someone who finds great pleasure in bringing herself down.
this truly isn't the case. i have chosen this format, albeit very public, simply to clear my head. i have always been one to keep journals write what is on my mind. sometimes those journals are a spiral notebook, an actual journal that has been purchased from a store, a napkin, the back of a receipt, what have you i write on it all. i feel that i am better at explaining myself through written word than speaking the words. i can place my thought permanently on a surface, where as speaking out loud the words float away from my mouth and dissipate into thin air. i don't always feel like i hear myself when the words are spoken and until i write them down those words swirl around in my brain trying to come together in a cohesive statement.
i want to clearly state that i do not put my thoughts here for validation or to be lifted up by others. i am on a journey of self discovery and welcome every emotion, every set back, every leap forward. i don't spend a great deal of time in those dark places but i think that they do help me understand my triggers. understanding what makes me upset and what brings me joy helps me be a better friend, sibling, daughter, mother, lover, and partner.
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