check "yes" or "no"

communication.  i have been told this is the key to relationships.  so, why do i find it so hard to convey what it is i am really trying to say?  i am good at bullshitting.  i am also good at stringing a bunch of words together that results in a statement of no importance or relevance.  i am even good at saying what i want to say to someone besides who i really want to say it to.  however, when i am faced with conveying something meaningful to someone who should and supposed to really hear me, i freeze. 

1. finding the time:

lately i have found myself so consumed with the thoughts in my head, the responsibilities of being a single mom, my paying job, keeping up with my friends and family and making sure that everyone needs are met that i have kind of shut down.  it is overwhelming and exhausting.  i have stopped communicating.  this is when i should be communicating more, but i just can't seem to find the time.  this sounds completely stupid, "i don't have time to talk to you." but it is true.  i feel like when i do find a spare moment to make a phone call (this is the big one) or send an email, i start to do it and then get interrupted.  by the time i am done with whatever the interruption was i have forgotten about the call or email (call especially) and move on to the next thing on the agenda.

i have stopped communicating with my parents mostly.  there is so much to learn from them and i should be bouncing all my frustrations and questions off of them and i haven't.  i know that they will always be there and love me and maybe this is why i turn to them last.  or maybe it is just because my friends are right here, i see them all the time at school with the kids and i don't have to make a special effort to talk to them.  where as my parents, i have to call them, as i mentioned above using the phone is a challenge for me.  i could stop in and say hi, but i don't seem to find time to do that either.  my free time is so wrapped up with kid obligations that finding down time to go visit is few and far between.  i don't like it and i am trying to change this, but it isn't going as quickly as i or my parents would like.

2.  saying something important without creating waves

i have always been the girl who doesn't like to make waves, keep the peace, go with the flow.  whatever you want to call it, that is how i am.  being the peacekeeper makes it challenging to speak your mind.  i don't want to hurt anyones feelings.  i don't want to create an argument.  i'm afraid that what i have to say may make you dislike me.  i have a hard time expressing my frustrations or needs without being critical and accusatory.

i can visualize the words i want to say, but can't seem to vocalize them.  i have often said, " i am better written than oral."  it just seems easier for me to write something down than say it out loud.  when i say things out loud i tend to add too many words, ramble, and then i lose track of where i was going with my thoughts.  if i write things down i can usually stay on track, ramble less and be able to erase and rewrite so i don't misconstrue thoughts.  however, with written words it is harder to get the intonation, the feeling and meaning behind what is trying to be said.  you get to put your own spin on things and your spin may not be what i am trying to say.

when i am faced with expressing my needs or having to say NO to someone i find myself getting anxious.  i completely clam up.  i suppose most of this "shut down" comes from not believing that i am worthy of my requests.  who would've guessed that?  i think that i come across as a person who isn't afraid to speak her mind and that is true if i am talking to someone who the message isn't intended for. please don't read too far into this, i am know that i deserve and am worthy of what i want, but there is always that little voice that says, "seriously woman, you haven't earned what you are requesting."  i am not sure why that voice trumps what i know, but it always makes me cautious and usually i end up biting my tongue.

so i am left in a pickle!!  i believe that i am a good person, i generally treat others the way i want to be treated, i give what i can because i believe that if you put out good things it will come back to you, i just can't express myself orally to you.  i am slowly finding a strength and courage within myself to step outside my comfort zone and take a chance, but it is scary.  so if we are having a serious conversation and i hand you a note, just go with it.  if i send you a text even though you are sitting on the couch next to me, well at least you know i am listening and responding.

gosh i long for the days of my youth when you could just pass a note, "do you want to go out with me?" and there would have been two boxes "yes" or "no".  you got to check the box and pass it back.  no actual words were passed, there wasn't any explanation that needed to be given, you just looked at the box checked and moved forward.  now you have to explain yourself, have an in depth meaningful conversation and be tactful using your actual voice and your own thoughts.  man being a grown up is tough....