there's an app for that...

do you ever see images and think man i want to be there?  i do.  pinterest feeds my daydreaming addiction.

this particular picture beckons me to a simpler time. i imagine a young couple (he is trying to woo her), impeccably dressed (because back in the day people got "dressed"), she has a parasol (to protect her delicate skin from the harsh sun and to hide her blushing face), he is being a gentleman and rowing (chivalry, a long lost art). i have no idea how their story ends, but it starts beautifully.

 

in our ultra modern world today, there is probably an app to simulate this very picture.  you must lie down in the most clinically stark place you can find, hold your phone overhead, and block out everything around you.  simply concentrate and you can feel the gentle rocking of the boat while staring into the bluest sky with the whitest clouds.  all of this on a 5 inch screen.  it's definitely not the same, but in a pinch maybe not so bad.

 

i however, don't want to live my life through an app on a 5 inch screen.  i want to be in that boat, rocking gently while gazing into the bluest sky with the whitest clouds.  instead of petticoats and parasols i would be adorned in north face and some sort of uv protective hat.  

 

here's the kicker, although our clothing is different from times gone by, the same coquettish behavior lives on today, selectively making eye contact and hiding our blushing cheeks behind a uv protective hat.  the words we choose to string together are quite different from the days of waistcoats and pocket watches but i think we still have the same dreams and desires. 

 

to my future beau, can we please, please on a beautiful day find a lake with a rowboat, paddle out to the middle (i will even help), lie in that boat atop a cozy blanket and gaze into the bluest sky with the whitest clouds?  we can talk about how great our life is together and maybe, if nobody is looking, make it rock just a little bit.  we're going to need an extra blanket. *wink*

she's 22...

does age matter to you when you are looking to date someone?  do you have a limit or a range?  maybe your range is anywhere between legal and younger than the grave?  i seem to feel most comfortable with 5 years either way, but tend to like the older side better than the younger.  with that said i have gone over the 5 year cap in both directions.  seeing as how i am single, clearly none of those worked out.

so the movie clip is from Liberal Arts.  i watched it the other night.  not a standout film, but entertaining enough.  this scene i thought was hysterical because i too do the math.  i always find it funny that as you get older the age difference doesn't seem so big, but you go backwards and it makes you cringe.  if you are me, thinking when i was 20, he was 4 makes me feel dirty and i should walk myself to the police station.

anyway, the other night i was out with one of my oldest and dearest friends, who happens to share my name.  on our way to the restaurant she was telling me about the bartender; kind of quiet, cute, you know the basics.  not sure if she thought i was going to bag him up, take him home and keep him hostage, but she was right.  he was very easy on the eyes and i didn't find him quiet at all, he was very chatty with us.  that might be due to the fact it was pretty quiet in there or i'm just that intriguing he couldn't help himself.  

heath (which is pronounced just like heather but without the "er") and i sidled up to the bar, talked amongst ourselves and with the cutie patootie bartender.  we learned some more facts about him; same age as us (37), has a five year old daughter, and is dating a woman who is 22.  what?!  this is not verbatim but he said something along the lines of i'm lucky, she is really mature and gets along with my daughter.  heath whispered to me that's because she still loves pink and all things sparkly!  all i could think in my head (and it may have slipped out) was she's a good lay.  but who am i to judge at least he's getting some.  i mean, he looked happy.

obviously this conversation about miss 22 got me thinking of my own experience with a much younger fella.  it started off well, but quickly went downhill.  it didn't take long to figure out that we had very different priorities and thoughts on where our lives were going.  i'm not going to say that the demise of that interlude was all due to age, but i think it played a big part. 

in my experience, as in the movie, age ended up being a factor.  will mr. cutie patootie bartender run into the same issue?  who knows, maybe. 

waiting...

 

 

two weeks

fourteen days

three hundred thirty six hours

 

...

 

soon

an indescript time frame

30 minutes...

he has a nice beard, it is nice and dark, mine was white yesterday.

 

these are the words i heard as i walked into work from my lunch break.  there is nothing like being on display.  i should back up and tell you how this comment came about...

today i had lunch with a friend.   i don't do this very often.  mostly because 30 minutes isn't a long enough time to sit down, converse and eat, politely.  i love to eat and i love to chat both of which shouldn't be rushed.  however 30 minutes flies by when you are in good company.  consequently 30 minutes can seem like 30 hours in poor company.  thankfully today i was in good company. 

we met at brooklyn pizza.  it is quick, easy and if you know me well, you know that i adore pizza.  i blew in the door like a stiff breeze, on a mission to get started.  the clock is ticking.  there isn't time for the proper niceties of saying hey, it's great to see you.  nope, i'm all business, time to order.  in an effort to save time it is also conquer and divide time.  you get the pizza.  i will grab the drinks. oh and by the way what did you want?

tick-tock

while waiting for our slices of heaven to magically appear at the table there is a small opportunity to converse without food filling my mouth.  the obvious conversation how was your christmas? was discussed.  at this point my lunch mate has my full attention and i appear normal.

tick-tock

heaven lands on our checkered cloth and now the real show starts.  remember when your mother harped on you "don't talk with your mouth full!"?  this is nearly impossible to do when you only have 30 minutes.  in an attempt to not be completely rude, we played a short game of charades.  i completely suck at this game.  before my turn ended i opened my mouth packed full of pizza and gave the answer.  sorry i have no manners when i'm short on time.

tick-tock

once the food has been inhaled with more suction than a hoover vacuum cleaner (because really if you want suction you should get an oreck), i am now checking my phone.  who needs a watch when you have your smart phone?  i'm pretty sure my last bite hadn't finished it's journey down my esophagus and i am packing it up.  i'm sorry, but i have to get back to the office.

tick-tock

the walk back with my lunch mate, was a brisk pace that equaled the chill in the air.  it did allow for a few more minutes to converse without a mouth full of food, which i'm sure is easier to understand and more pleasant.  a couple more minutes of chatting outside of my office door and a hug goodbye.  i turn towards the office door and through the window i see my boss with his hands mimicking binoculars spying.

i walk through the door and straight into his office saying before you ask, no i'm not dating him, just having lunch.  the boss man starts laughing at me and replies he seems nice and he has a nice beard... you know the rest. 

so for future reference i am not a fan of the 30 minute lunch.  especially if i am going to attempt to enjoy someones company and eat.  if you are one who enjoys the odd rituals of bird mating, which is how i feel while trying to talk through gestures and pack my face, then by all means let's do lunch.  if this isn't your cup of tea, i'm free at 6:00pm three weeks from today.

a little grinch-y...

midday christmas.  my living room is a graveyard of paper and boxes.  the most treasured items have taken residence in a "safe" place until they can be properly tended to.  my phone is playing music from it's new docking station, my ears are blinged out with their beautiful new earrings and my neck is warm thanks to a new cashmere scarf.  there is only one other beating heart here.  the most loyal feline, until of course his kids come home and then i'm chopped liver.

surrounded by many but standing alone.  do you ever feel like your circle of friends is 20+ deep, but you are on the sidelines watching?  this is not a sob story, pity party post, i'm just noticing something that is bugging me. 

i have 600+ friends on facebook, 401 followers on blip.me, i can't figure twitter out but i have one.  i am on google+ and have several friends there.  same story on other social networking sites.  today my phone blew up with merry christmas texts.  what's my point?  my point is i am sitting in my home without another heartbeat present.  just mine.

this is insane to me. 

don't get me wrong, i love all the texts, the wall posts, the private emails, even the phone calls (sorry i didn't answer), but i would much rather be in a room with all 1000+ friends.  it would warm my heart to be able to give every single one of you a hug and wish you a happy holiday season in person.

do you think it is weird that we live in a world where we seem to build an army of friends?  creating our very own hand picked virtual family.  we stake claim to a plethora of friends that can't give us a hug when we are crying.  or bring over a cup of coffee and shoot the shit.  or drag our "feeling sorry for ourself" ass out of the house.  instead we fill our text messages with goofy emotion filled pictures, virtually share food that we can't actually eat or even smell, and tell each other how we would comfort them if we lived closer or even actually knew each other. 

is this insane to anyone else? 

as i climb off my soap box for the day, i want to thank you for all the wonderful well wishes today.  i really did love all of them.  i wish i could've reciprocated in person. 

a love letter...

i have been impatiently waiting

endlessly searching for you

 but i have been blind to really see you 

you have been with me all along

 

i see you

 

i've made every excuse 

convincing myself i'm not enough for you

but you've been steadfast

showing me i am

 

i hear you

 

i have built a fortress around myself

but you've cleverly navigated every obstacle

finding a permanent home

in my heart

 

i love you

 

 

o tanenbaum...

i can still remember my first time seeing tchaikovsky's nutcracker ballet.  i was young, possibly in the ten age range.  i got to be super dressed up in some ridiculous frilly dress and stay up past 8:00.  i sat in my chair completely mesmerized.  my absolute favorite moment was when the christmas tree quadrupled in size.  it was beautiful.  this monstrous tree is the epitome of trees for me.  you can imagine my disappointment when year after year our tree at home was, in my eyes, a disaster. 

if you remember last year i had the "rat tree".  i borrowed my mom's fake tree and unbeknownst to anyone there was a stowaway "r.o.u.s.".  the rat was way more than i bargained for.  one would think that having a live rat in your tree would take the cake for the most memorable tree moment, but i have several that make the cut.

the nutcracker has made me love big trees.  i don't want to be able to see over the top of them, that is a definite requirement.  wel,l one year mom decided that she wanted to buy a live tree so she could plant it in the yard afterwards.  just an fyi, the ground is frozen after christmas so you can't really plant it.  anyway, mom bought this tiny, i'm talking maybe 4 ft. tall, tiny tree.  she put in this huge blue grain bucket and set it on top of an old trunk.  granted it was taller than me, but it doesn't count when the base of the tree starts at knee level.  for some reason our regular lights went m.i.a.  so mom, being very resourceful, put the giant outside lights on this tiny tree.  it only took one strand.  this was a tree fail (in my eyes).

for the past couple of years i have had a fake tree in my home, but i prefer a freshly cut tree.  there was a christmas that mom, sis and i were going to minnesota to celebrate the holidays.  mom didn't want to put up a tree, but sis and i were having none of that.  we begged and begged for a tree.  christmas just isn't the same without a tree.  that year we got to open gifts before the actual day.  so mom, again being very resourceful, made a construction paper, 4 sided christmas tree complete with drawn on ornaments.  she placed in the center of our round kitchen table adorned with the tree skirt and nestled the presents under the table.  although memorable this is yet another tree fail (in my eyes).

oh i'm not done.

i have another tree requirement.  i like branchy trees.  meaning i want there to be space enough for my ornaments to hang from their cute little hooks instead of lay on the outer surface sunbathing in the glow from the lights.  one holiday season a boyfriend of my mom's surprised us with a tree.  before i go any further, i am of the belief that a christmas tree is a pretty personal decision and this isn't really something that you "surprise" someone with.  if you would like to spread some cheer get a wreath. 

anyway, the surprise tree was one of those huge fluffy trees with the sunbathing type branches.  mom, still resourceful, tried to make it a branchy tree.  she took her loppers and started cutting out branches here and there.  for anyone who has thought of doing this, it doesn't work.  the tree ends up all patchy and uneven, sort of resembling of a person losing their hair.  for obvious reasons this was a tree fail.

in attempt to stay positive, my absolute favorite tree is flocked.  i absolutely adore a flocked tree.  besides the fact that it is beautiful there are some really great benefits to flocking your tree.  one, it is flame retardant.  whatever is used to flock the tree doesn't catch on fire.  bonus.  two, it is preserved.  the tree people put it on a stand and you don't have to water it, just put adorn it.  bonus.  three, since it is preserved you could potentially store it for the following year.  definitely a bonus, but i haven't tried this, i live in a tiny shoe box.  if you haven't ever tried a flocked tree i definitely recommend it.

anywho, happy holidays.  i hope you are having a successful tree year.

an open window...

 

 

 

over the course of the past few days i have been wrestling with my emotions.  no big surprise there, i seem to go through phases.  it might just be the time of year, but i feel like i am in a twilight zone.  the same question keeps getting asked.  yep that one i don't like to answer.  the few select people that i bare my soul to and am completely transparent with have all surfaced and asked the same darn thing. 

which means i am a walking rain shower of tears, i have deprived myself of adequate nourishment and sleep and have run at least two marathons in my head.  i'm physically drained, emotionally spent and looking for a reprieve.  while some would turn to solace in a bottle, numbing through a pill, sweating it out through excessive exercise or falling to their knees in prayer i turn to pen and paper.  i have been writing and writing in my personal journal. 

this silly question has really made me think (and write) about where i want to go with my life.  who i want to be a part of my future.  what do i have to do to make that happen.  i am still not totally clear on where or how, but through this process i have realized there are some people who are more important to me than i have realized.   more accurately, i have known their importance, just scared of what that means.

fear is an interesting emotion.  it can keep you paralyzed making it impossible to achieve your goals.  or keep you from being open to the greatest love you could imagine.  or make you silence your thoughts to avoid ridicule.  i've heard that you are supposed to face your fears.  but what if facing your fear means reopening a window that has been sealed shut?

as you know i believe in second chances.  i think that if you carefully, methodically and unselfishly unseal the window you have nothing to lose but could possibly gain your biggest dreams.  however if you unseal that window like a scorned lover wrapping your thoughts around a brick and hurling it through the center there may be too many pieces to navigate safely.  either way that window will never be the same. 

it was just a kiss...

 

it was just a kiss

 

before we are even aware of boys we are imagining our life happily ever after with prince charming.  once we are aware of boys every single one we entangle ourselves with we think maybe this is the one? 

the other night i was talking with a single guy friend.  we were talking about a girl.  they sometimes spend time together, but there has been no official talk of exclusivity.  when they are together he treats her like his girl, but when they aren't it is an out of sight out of mind kind of situation. sometimes they are intimate, but not always. 

 

i believe this is what is classified as casual dating.  or maybe it is called friends with benefits.  whatever you call it, i'm no good at this type of arrangement.  i'm the type of girl who needs to know where she stands in his life and if we are going to be honest, i want to be number one.  or at the very least the only woman.  but this story isn't about me. 

 

he was stating that she was wanting to label what they are and he was baffled that she thought they were anything at all.  if my mouth was full i would've spit my drink on him.  instead i let out a huge laugh.  followed by a you're kidding right?  he went into this long diatribe about how things were good, then they kissed and it changed everything.  he said it was just a kiss. 

why don't men realize that it isn't JUST a kiss?  if a man is treating a woman (regardless of regularity and regardless of whether they've had the talk or not) like she is his girlfriend and she's into him and then he makes a move... her next thought is the two of you sitting in rockers with gray hair watching your grandchildren play in the yard.  it was a good thing he didn't have a drink or else i would've been wearing it.  it was his turn to say you're kidding right?

the answer is NO.  i'm not sure why, blame it on disney, but we are programmed to daydream about our knight in shining armor.  we can't help it.  it just happens.  you know when someone has a near  death experience they see their life flash before their eyes?  this is kind of what women do, or at least me, our whole entire picture perfect future life flashes before our eyes. 

another example, this is a little more extreme.  i have a good male friend who is perpetually single, just like me.  there is one girl that he dated that stands out.  it might be because i couldn't pronounce her name, it sounded like i was clearing my throat.  which then made me laugh hysterically because i just couldn't understand how he could ever say hey hack-gurgle-hack-gurgle with a straight face. 

anyway, they were newly dating, he was going out of town and decided to ask her to come with.  then he was telling me about all the things he had booked for her while he was tied up with work stuff; massage, girly stuff, etc.  i'm pretty sure i said, wow you must really like this girl?  imagine my surprise when he said, i just don't want to be alone, and i like doing nice things for people?

well i couldn't disagree that having a handsome eligible man whisk me away for a weekend and pamper me sounded nice, but i would think there was a whole lot more meaning behind the reason for doing this.  i cautiously said are you sure you want to do that?  she is going to think you are going to get married.  he guffawed and replied what? you're crazy.  why would she think that?

am i completely off my rocker?  if a man i was recently dating pulled this shit i would think he was into me way more than just not wanting to be alone.  we already know what i would do if i was on the fence about him...i would run, but if i was wanting more from the fella i would think this move meant we are headed in the same direction on the same path.

he ended up taking her away then breaking up.  as predicted he broke her heart.  not on purpose.  he's just a guy who doesn't understand that we gals look at the same situation differently.  he wanted company she was thinking this guy is heading to the serious stage and allowed herself to fall. 

so fellas, i'm not saying you should be a jerk, keep your distance, or never do anything nice for the women (friends or lovers) in your life.  i just think you should be clear on what your intentions are.  truthfully i think this is fair either way. 



i'm good...

there aren't too many questions that make me uncomfortable, but there is one that always puts me on edge.  this particular question was asked this morning.  i answered with my standard, but was immediately called out and reasked.  you've got to love the people in your life who see right through your best bullshit.

how are you? 

 

this question is asked out of habit and the asker isn't really asking about your psyche.  this is a general filler question.  the person asking isn't looking for a deep answer, just an i'm good will be satisfactory.  i like this question, i can keep up my charade.

 

how are YOU?

 

this is an entirely different question.  an i'm good doesn't answer let alone pacify the asker.  this person wants to know if you are happy, sad, content, anxious, and anything and everything in between.  i don't like this question.  it requires that i not only be honest with myself but with the asker. 

 

i suppose i could've lied, but this is a true friend who is genuinely interested in my well being.  i feel that i owe this person my authentic self however uplifting or depressing my authentic self may be.  besides i think it is extremely healthy to have people in your life who you can be transparent with.

 

my real answer wasn't uplifting, inspiring or happy.  in fact i said happy might be a stretch.  there are many things that i can attribute to my discontent; the season, my period, missing my kids, or my hangover but these things are frosting.  the cake, i am trying to convince myself that i am content by filling my time with so many things that i'm exhausted. 

 

my mood since my morning conversation has been heavy.  i have spent the majority of my afternoon trying to direct my thoughts anywhere besides my discontent.  however this evening my thoughts refuse to be anywhere but directly in front of me.  i think it is good to face yourself even if it leaves you with tears carving canyons down your face.

so how am i?  i'm good in a not so good way, but it is just a phase and my time will come. the things i am not happy about will fix themselves when the time is right.  when was the last time you really asked yourself how am i?  better yet when was the last time you answered the question honestly and candidly?  

 

 

battle of the burgers...

in my town there are very few places to eat. unless of course you are partial to mexican or enjoy ordering through a loud speaker. recently we had two new restaurants open and of course everyone in town wants to try them. my ratchets and i have tried them both so i thought i would do a restaurant review.

 

 

restaurant #1: the blazing onion.  i'm not sure how far this franchise reaches across the united states and frankly i'm too lazy to look into it, but if you have one close to you and haven't eaten there yet, i say go, they have really good food for a burger joint.  however i have some major issues with the atmosphere of this establishment, especially since this is a "sit down" place.  from the moment you walk in, there is something different about this place. 

 

first of all you order from a kiosk.  there is a human standing at a slanted podium that you awkwardly sign your receipt on.  oh at this time you are supposed to include your tip for your "service" although you haven't experienced the service yet, but there is a giant sign that explains what you are tipping for.  i didn't read it.  the human hands you some cups and a number, then you find yourself a table.  you get your own beverages at a beverage station, unless it is alcohol then it gets delivered.  at the tables there are these touch screen computers that take up a lot of room.  this computer is for anything extra you have forgotten; ranch, more napkins, an additional burger, more fries, whatever.  the only human you have interacted with up until this point is the kiosk dude who took your order. 

 

all around the restaurant, if you want to call it that, i felt like i was helping myself in a glorified fast food joint, are giant screened tvs.  we counted almost 30.  they are hung back to back and surround you at every angle.  there were at least 5 different sporting events happening.  i noticed in the general dining area that the families, out to share a meal, were all looking at a different television, nobody was talking to each other.  i have a ginormous problem with this, the family dinner is a time to come together, not space out watching tv eating mindlessly.

 

then the food comes.  our "server" delivered our food and walked away.  i can't even recall if it was a male or female.  this human, at least i am assuming it is a human, i suppose it could've been a droid, never asked if we needed anything or made an attempt to interact with us at all. 

 

eating out should be an experience.  an opportunity to interact with humans you normally wouldn't.  in my opinion, this is not a place that encourages families to share a moment together.  this is a place where you can sit with each other, all get a sports fix, and eat a good burger.  i will say the burgers are really good, the price is reasonable, and the fries are fantastic. 

 

in case you were wondering, i didn't tip.  to all you waitstaff personnel who are probably screaming at me in your heads, i'm sorry.  but i think it is crazy to tip for service when there isn't anyone serving you.  yes someone else cooked my food (i hope he spit in it before it was cooked so at least the major germs were seared away), and yes someone delivered it to my table and i suppose someone cleans it up, but in my opinion that wasn't enough. 

 

 

 



restaurant #2: the ram.  again i have no idea how far this franchise reaches and i'm still too lazy to research it, but if you have near you and haven't gone, i say go.   this restaurant is the same type of set up; family dining, bar and a slew of burgers.  i instantly had a different reaction to the atmosphere of this establishment.

there was someone at the door, who opened it and greeted you.  now i'm not such a primadonna that i expect doors to be opened and a red carpet to roll out, and i would hate to be the door opener, but it is nice to be welcomed.  there was a traditional hostess and she escorted us to a cushy table.  our waitress ashley was quick to come to our table, introduce herself and ask how our days were.  the kids wanted chocolate shakes and she showed them a different shake (at no additional cost) that she thought they would like better, the dirt cup shake. 

this establishment is a dining experience.  the entire staff interacted with us; bussers, management, our server and others.  yes there were big tv's in the dining area, but there weren't as many and when i looked at other tables the humans were talking to each other instead of zoning out at a screen.  the price was about the same, but the service was ten times better. 

my complaint, the fries stunk.  i should say i'm not really a fry person, but when i do eat them i like them well done and seasoned.  these fries were soggy and naked, not a stitch of seasoning to be seen.  this strikes me as odd, because a waffle shaped fry lends itself to capture all the seasoning yumminess i'm surprised the chef hasn't capitalized on this.  anyway, these just weren't my favorite fries.

so there you go.  my official review of the two places.  i think they both have equally good food, but the atmospheres are very different.  i suppose depending on whether you enjoy your families company could predict which place you go to.  if you are sick of them and don't want to talk and just pack your face go to the blazing onion, however if you want to sit back, chat and eat go to the ram.

damsel, caregiver, tramp...

what kind of single woman are you?   i'm not really sure why this is coming up today, but i woke up with this thought.  outside of a few flings here and there i have been relatively single for the past three years.  throughout that time i have had the opportunity to see other single women and how they portray themselves in the hopes of attracting a man.  i say portray because i think we put an image out there, an enhanced version of our true self, all in the name of love.

 

there are three categories that i think we fall into, there is probably more, but these are three that come to mind quickly.  we have the damsel in distress, the ultimate caregiver, and the town tramp.  let's break this down...

 

damsel in distress:  we as women know that men are hard wired to be fixers.  they see a problem and they can't help but try and find a solution.  this type of woman is always in need.  this woman treats this man as if he is invaluable to them.  that they couldn't possibly survive if they didn't have the assistance of this man.  i think we all want to feel wanted, and a man will definitely feel appreciated and needed if he entangles himself with the damsel.

 

ultimate caregiver:  women are hard wired to be caregivers.  i think some women are better at this than others, but we all have it.  this type of woman gets off taking care of and pleasing her man.  the man who entangles themselves with the caregiver will be doted on.  if he plays his cards right (meaning he lets his woman know how much he appreciates the doting), he can expect to reap that benefit forever.

 

town tramp:  women aren't that different from men in the sense that we all need some lovin'.  to feel sexy and desired is vital to our self image regardless of gender.  this type of woman teeters around dripping sex, exuding her prowess in how she can please you in the bedroom.  i can only imagine that the man who entangles himself with this woman will be satisfied in his private time with her, but i'm going to suggest "gloving up" until the test results come back.

 

so, which category do you fall in to? 

 

i fall into the caregiver category.  it is no secret that i enjoy taking care of the special person in my life, the trick is finding someone who shows that they appreciate it.  i have never been the damsel, i accredit that to my mom.  as a youth i did chores that would be considered boy jobs the outside of the house stuff, i learned how to use a hammer, shovel, saw and power tools (not the personal kind folks).  i feel i am pretty self sufficient unless we are talking automotive and then i am clueless.  the town tramp, well not exactly my cup of tea, i would prefer to share myself with one man consistently.

 

at the end of the day it is all about balance.  whichever type of woman you are, there is a man who will thrive with you.  there is a small catch ladies, do not change who you are once you have them.  meaning, if you are the damsel then be the damsel, this is one of the reasons he fell for you in the first place.  i suppose there should be a little clarification as to the town tramp, if this is you, be the wonderfully adventurous sex kitten with just your man, he will love it.   

 

a humble thank you...

recently i went on a flo adventure.  an adventure orchestrated by a friend who will remain unnamed.  we went to the casino, a place i rarely go to, especially to gamble.  i was given an amount of money with the instructions whatever i win i get to keep, if i lose it all it wasn't mine to begin with.  so off we went.  i came away from the evening $240 richer than when i walked in.

what my friend didn't know is that this couldn't have come at a better time.  i was overdrawn in my checking account and wasn't getting another paycheck for a few days.  i was seriously wondering how i was going to put gas in my car and where the next gallon of milk was going to come from.

i heard a story the other day about a family that filed for bankruptcy and chose to lose their house instead of pulling their children out of private school and their activities.  in a way i completely understand this.  i don't want my children to feel the struggle from the choices that i have made that changed the course of their lives. 

i try really hard to not whine about my financial situation, because i know it isn't a lifelong sentence.  i will be able, once my kids are a little older, to work more hours and maybe go back to school.  at this point it just isn't feasible.  i do work very hard at living within my means.  there isn't a bunch of extras in our house, but we do spend lots of time being a family and keeping that bond strong.  i know in the long run my kids will remember all the nights we sit and play games way more than the pile of unused toys that clutter their rooms.

i am not sharing this story for sympathy.  it is more of a thank you.  a thank you to my friend for the fun flo adventure your timing was uncanny.  i was able to put a few extra things under my tree (that we don't have yet), gas in my car and food in my fridge.  a thank you to my family who fill in the gaps where i just can't make it work.  a thank you to my friends who treat my children like their own and shower them in love.  and a thank you to my landlord who puts up with a woman who struggles to make ends meet in a timely manner.

i know this is a season where we pile our living rooms with beautifully wrapped gifts, adorn our homes in spendor, throw and attend lavish parties, and come together as family.  i am hoping that we can all add giving back to our community to help everyone feel the magic of the season. 

a couple of random funnies...

okay i have a  couple of little stories.  one is a little story about someone who reads my endless babble that i call my blog.  the other is an example of why women get labeled crazy. 

story #1
on thursday, november 1st i was really, really frustrated.  i wrote a little entry titled "give me".  it went on and on about givers and takers.  if you haven't read this i think you should, it will give you some background on my perspective.  in a nutshell it says...

givers are always going to give and takers are always going to take

 

i believe this wholeheartedly.  we are hardwired either one way or another.  in my opinion there is no middle ground.  so i was having an interaction that went something like this...

 

 

Other human:  can I make you coffee?
Me: you don’t know how to make coffee, because you don’t drink coffee, but thank you for the offer.

Other human:  I’m just trying to be a taker instead of a giver

Me:  you got that wrong you are supposed to be giving instead of taking, but this is exactly my point. 

did you giggle just a bit?  i giggled when this happened.  i simply couldn't help myself.  there was something hugely gratifying about making my point without having to do a thing.

story #2
several weeks ago, at least three, i unexpectedly stayed the night somewhere.  i wasn't drunk, i wasn't trying to get laid or anything like that, it was just late and i didn't feel like driving.  to further my point that i wasn't trying to get laid, i was having my period (there is no point in trying to disguise what it is) and he had just had a man procedure.  you get the picture, there was absolutely no "hooking up", it was purely innocent.  anyway, since i hadn't planned on staying there i borrowed a pair of boxers and a tshirt to sleep in. 

since then i have been trying to return these two articles of clothing. i made it real clear that all i wanted to do was return these two items, nothing more.  all my attempts went unanswered.  time for plan b, i text are you going to make me become one of those crazy women who tracks you down and makes a scene in front of your friends to return your things?  well that got his attention  i will call you tomorrow.  uh huh.  as i figured he didn't call.  so i went and dropped them off, where i knew he would be with his friends.  i didn't make a scene, just dropped them off.  in and out...lickety split.

attention men you cannot blame women entirely for being crazy.  i think that you men contribute to some of the crazy.  for the record i think all women are crazy, but there is a scale of crazy and it just depends on where you fall.  i try to stay at the end of "just crazy enough to make it seamlessly through the day" as opposed to the other end which is "batshit crazy".  if this fella had to explain why in the world some girl was dropping off his skivvies this is not my issue.  i gave him every opportunity to do this exchange in private, but he made an alternative choice.

anyway, a couple of funnies.  that's all i've got for the day. 

cheers

 

authentic self fail...

 i'm not sure how many of y'all are on a dating website.  probably not many.  my suggestion is you shouldn't, they are crazy.  however i am because i am crazy.  anyway, at the bottom of my profile where you are supposed to say what you would like to do on a first date i have the following whatever we decide to do just be yourself because that is who i am going to be.  may sound silly, but i don't want a show, i want your authentic self.

recently i met a fella to watch the seahawks game.  now i love football and i don't have tv so this was totally cool with me.  i knew pretty early on that this dude was a no go.  bullet points sound fun, let's list them and then i will tell you why...

• drank too much
• swore too much
• chewed

 

drank too much  the game we were watching was a before noon, early in the day game.  as we all know i am a huge beer fan, but not for breakfast.  this fella was putting them back like it was last call.  he commented i take it you're not a big drinker?  which i replied well i do like my beer but it is breakfast time, i'm still working on my coffee.

 

swore too much  i think we are aware of how much i enjoy conversation.  i was unaware that i needed to put a qualifier on this.  i enjoy conversation that is thoughtful, intelligent and without the "f-word" as your adjective for any and every thing.  the sentence structure that goes like this f this and f that and mother f-er is not going to work for me.  he commented you don't swear do you?  well i do, but it is usually when i am really mad or when i have injured myself in some way. 

 

chewed  this isn't a deal breaker for me, but if i have my choice i'm going to go with the guy that doesn't have a tobacco addiction.  let's say you have identical twin brothers, they are both good looking, have a great sense of humor, blah, blah, blah all the attributes you are looking for and attracted too, but one brother chews and the other doesn't.  i'm going to choose the one that doesn't.  i commented you chew?  he replied yeah, is that a problem? while he is spitting into a cup.  i gave him the spiel i just said.  i don't think he cared for my answer.

 

as the game progressed and i was more interested in football than this fella he kept trying to get me to sit closer to him. 

 

come sit by me

no thanks, i'm good

but i want you to sit by me

no thanks and you are kind of bossy

is that a problem

yeah, i can make my own choices

 

clearly this is not a match made in heaven, although i do appreciate that he didn't camouflage who he really is.  i stayed for the whole game. i like football.  as i departed i told him  i don't think i am the girl for you, but thank you for the opportunity to meet you.  my message was received with a blank stare and a yeah, you too. 

 

in this crazy world called dating, i have learned that i am really good at first dates.  i have been on more first dates than i care to recount.  it is the second date part i struggle with.  there needs to be a connection on many different levels for me to consider a second date.  i don't really want to waste anyones time, including my own. 

a gross misconception...

i love getting into conversations with people, seeing different perspectives, points of view, and angles.  there are so many factors that help shape our thoughts and opinions; upbringing, culture, and/or religious influence, that you rarely find two people with the exact some opinion on something.  sometimes i am engaged in a conversation that sticks with me and keeps me pondering.  i had one of those conversations over the weekend.

pretty girls like to be treated like shit

 

this statement is what started the conversation.  i did not agree and was quick to share my thoughts and attempt to stamp out this incorrect cliche.  i don't think that this is "pretty girl" thing, i think this is a human thing.

 

i truly believe that we are creatures of habit and get used to being treated a certain way.  it isn't so much that we like it, it is just normal and falls within our comfort zone.  when we happen to get involved with someone who treats us different it pushes us beyond that comfort zone and we don't know how to receive, process and enjoy it.  of course i had examples from my own experiences to share and further my point.

time to share a little story that i haven't shared before.  i do in fact have stories that are new.  anyway, i was in the process of getting to know someone who i liked but something about him made me really uncomfortable.  funny to use like and uncomfortable in the same sentence but bare with me.  he was really nice, almost too nice.  he went out of his way, really out of his way, to do things for me.  although it was really flattering i didn't understand or know how to process it.  ultimately i panicked and disappeared.  i know, not a very grown up thing to do, but i can't change it now.

 

i am so used to being the one steering that being the passenger proved to be too much.  silly?  probably.  could i have learned to adjust to being the passenger?  possibly.  i can hear my friend steve in my ear saying heather, it didn't work because all the little things didn't line up. it wasn't because he was too nice.  is he right?  probably, there were other things that didn't line up, for me, but i never shared them with him.  unfair?  definitely.

am i contradicting myself?  not entirely.  it was all so over the top in my eyes.  i was so unaccustomed to the way he was treating me that all the other little things seem to be a bigger deal than they might have been.  does that make any sense?  so i guess the real question is how does one get used to being treated a different way?  a healthy positive way.

i can tell you for me i tend to be very teenager-y in my reaction to a man ooh he likes me.  he's paying attention to me.  he's so dreamy.  okay maybe not the dreamy part, but i think you get what i am saying.  i want to have all those teenager emotions about "love" because let's face it they feel good, but manage the relationship in a grown up way.  in a way that both parties are getting what they need, are being treated with respect and priority, and seriously can't wait to see each other again.  is that really too much to ask for? 

so back to the original conversation starter, since i seem to have ping ponged all over on this one.  i disagree with the statment that pretty girls like to be treated like shit.  actually that seems to be a silly thing to say in general, nobody really likes to be treated like shit.  i seriously think it is more of just being used to being treated like shit, which in my humble opinion says there are a lot of dudes out there who don't understand how to treat ladies. 



royal d-bag...

have you ever met someone who is so offensive that you want to punch them?  one, i am not easily offended, it takes a whole heck of a lot to get under my skin.  two, i am not a violent person but there seems to be a small selection of knuckleheads that need to be knocked around a bit.  i had the unfortunate pleasure of conversing with one such human who joined our table because he knew some of the other people in the group.  it was seriously all i could do to stay in my seat and not strangle the fella.

he describes himself as an entrepreneur.  my interpretation from the words he chose to explain his occupation i'm a big fat slacker and refuse to conform to traditional ways to stay employed and be a productive member of our society.  what would lead me to this conclusion?  this is a human that flounders from odd job to odd job, professing that he could never work for anyone that he is better suited to be his own boss.

at one point he asked me what's with the scarf and turtleneck?  my somewhat bitchy alter ego shouted in my head i'm not here to hook up with my friends so i didn't slut it up tonight.  instead i replied it's winter and i'm cold.  i really wasn't in the mood to egg him on.  why in the world he felt the need to question my choice of attire is beyond me, but whatever. 

somehow the group got into a discussion about being single.  this gem of a human spouted out i choose to be single so i can take my mirror off my wall and cut coke whenever i feel like it.  i almost sprayed my adult beverage on my friends across the booth.  who says stuff like that?  at one point he got really crazy and started talking about marriage and dowries and that the only reason for them was to buy your very own vagina.  that in this day and age you can get a vagina anywhere and there is no reason for marriage.

there was one fella at the table, the boyfriend of one of my good friends, who had never met this stellar human.  he had attempted to rationally talk about why he thought people married in this day and age (because we as humans want to share our lives with another human).  well this stellar human, under his breath, proceeded to tell the boyfriend that he wasn't good looking enough for his girlfriend.  i'm surprised the boyfriend stayed calm. 

as the evening was winding down early, because we were done with this person's contribution to the evening, we headed out to our cars.  the smokers of the group quickly pulled out their gear and generously offered them to the rest of the group.  i politely declined.  again this human felt the need to stir things up oh come on have one.  to make my point really clear i shared that i haven't ever smoked anything i'm not going to start now.  his response no wonder i don't like you, you don't do drugs.  are you freaking kidding me?   

well, as i have learned in my 36 years on this planet, it takes all kinds to make the world go round.  interacting with humans of this quality is a good reminder on why it is so important to think about what you say before letting the words escape your mouth.  although i appreciate his candor and the fact that he is completely comfortable being an a-hole, there is a way to get the same point across without being so obtuse.

my lifespan...

i don't know who you are anymore...

 

have you ever had someone, anyone, tell you this?  it usually comes from someone who you are or have been really close to.  someone who you planned on spending your life with.  a best friend you met in kindergarten and then you go to middle school and start experimenting with different things.  your roommate in college that moves forward as a grown up and you stay just as you are a frat boy.  your husband that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with in front of the people who mean the most to you and find out that you can't keep that promise. 

 

clearly i have heard this before.  my initial response is i am the same person.  but am i really?  i have been thinking about this a lot today.  since i can't make sense of the swirling words in my head i figured i would do what i always do...write.  i know that i am different as an adult then when i was a little girl.  that is just a given, but in my adult life have i changed that much?

 

from the time i was 18 (the official age of adulthood) until i was 32 (the official age of "turn your life upside") i had the same man in my life.  i was a dutiful wife and mother.  i had a role.  i played it well.  from 32 to present time i have found a voice i didn't know i had.  i share opinions i was unaware i possessed.  i believe in myself more than i have before. 

do those things make me a different person?  or is it just the simple fact of growing up and discovering your authentic self that makes you appear to be different?  could it be that the statement isn't really a reflection on who i am but more a statement of you aren't who i need anymore?  is this to say that eventually all humans we interact with will have a lifespan? 

i have no answers, because as you know i am on a journey.  the same journey we all take, life.  i do think that our relationships change, they grow just as we do.  i don't think that people have a lifespan, but that we have to bend.  learn how to adjust to the evolving position that person holds. 

at 36 i think i am virtually the same smiley, outgoing, laugh out loud girl i have always been.  i feel i hold the same values, morals and beliefs that i was raised with.  however, i think i express myself differently than i have in my prior years and that may seem to some as drastic change.  enough change that i am unrecognizable, but i think i am just getting started.  {cheeky wink}

 

 

176 days ago...

the stars from my tiny window are beautiful.  flying at night is very peaceful. my skyline remains still except for a sudden flash.  a white blur that lasts only seconds.  witnessing one such flash is amazing but to see two within minutes of each other is just short of a miracle.  below the gray haze cities and towns illuminate the earths floor.  whichever state i am over now the haze has dissipated, small clusters of lights are visible and even smaller pinpoint of light connect the clusters.  it is wondrous to see the infrastructure from above.  i wish i knew where i was,, it is  12:30 am, i'm close to halfway. 

i was on a flight from seattle to philadelphia.  on my way to meet a friend.  yes a man friend.  this is probably the single craziest thing i have done in my dating career. 

i'm anxious with anticipation to meet him.  will he be kind and respectful?  will the conversation flow easily?  will it be awkward?  will i recognize him right away?  will he recognize me?  will i be able to relax, turn off my brain and just be in the moment?  will all the stress of the trip be worth it?  i will never have found the answer if i hadn't at least tried.  whatever happens i will know that i didn't chicken out, that i didn't sit back and say it's too complicated.  this is living.

i found this entry in my notes app on my super smart, smart phone.  reading this all of the anxiety and memories from that trip come rushing back.  it started and ended with immense anxiety and unknowns.  the middle of the trip was superb and exciting.  seems strange that it was only 176 days ago, i feel like it has been an eternity.  guess this is a testament to how quickly life goes by.

 

 

here is one of the only photos i have of the trip.  this is a really out of character photo of myself, but we had been challenged to produce an unexpected photo by our friends and here is what we came up with.  

m.i.a....

well as some may have noticed i have been mia...right in the middle of my thankful posts.  i was bored with the whole thing, but that isn't why i've stopped the posts.  the real reason, my life took an unexpected turn that has consumed my time.  it went kind of like this...

ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling, ring-a-ling

 

i opened my eyes looked at my phone and it is my boss.  look at the time 11:00pm.  in my drowsiness i'm thinking he has accidentally butt dialed me, so naturally i text him

 

me: did you just call me at 11:00 at night?

boss man:  yes, and i need you to call me back

 

hmm...wow okay.  so i wipe the sleep out of my eyes and call the boss man.

 

me:  hey there what's going on?

boss man:  our office is burning down.

 

 

 

so there you go, this is the catastrophic event that has consumed my time.  as most of you know i work for a small legal firm, small meaning there are three of us, this is the kind of thing that can destroy a small business.  however we have persevered, temporarily relocated and are plunging forward.  as you can imagine there is lots to be done which leaves me completely and utterly exhausted by the end of the day.  i just haven't had the energy to sit down and tap out a thankful post. 



 

anyway, life is getting back to normal just in time for the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. 

 





 

 

the karma king...

do you ever have one of those mornings where you say i give up!  no?  dang.  well i had one of those mornings today.  apparently i have caused someone some grief because the karma king is ticked and reprimanding me big time.  all i have to say is karma king, i hear you loud and clear.  i'm raising my white flag, you win. 

actually my early morning was fantastic.  well, wait i am remembering a small clue to how my day was going to go.  as some of you know i make my own creamer.  not always sometimes i am lazy, but during the winter months when i am packing on my protective layer making my own less fatty creamer is a must.  anyway, i went to pour it in my mug this morning and it was super thick and kind of glopped out into my mug.  nastafrast!  instead of going the half-n-half and sugar route i poured my coffee over the extra thick creamer, grabbed a spoon to stir it together and drank it anyway.  i should've known at this moment that the morning was going to be rough.

i killed a ton of time, a little too much time, catching up on my virtual games before getting in the shower.  now i have a shower head that comes away from the wall and has a hose so you can spray the suds out of your tub.  you thought i was going to explain a different reason didn't you?  anyways, i pull the shower curtain back, turn on the water and engage the shower.  seems harmless and routine right?  well the shower head mysteriously was turned towards the shower curtain which means i got blasted in the face with freezing cold, leftover from the previous shower, water in the hose.  aah!

my shower proceeded without incident.  i am the only person in my household who showers with any regularity.  i am fairly lazy and toss my towel over the shower rod to dry.  i have learned, the hard way, that my kids do not move my towel when they happen to shower.  since they are munchkins they do not block all the water from the shower head.  i am all wet and go to dry off, my towel that hangs on the inside of the shower is soaking wet.  at this point i remember that my daughter showered the previous evening, hence the wet towel and adjusted shower head.

the rest of the morning rush was similar to a morning drill at boot camp.  short of yelling drop and give me ten soldier i barked out commands at a volume meant for outdoors.  i really did try to gain my composure and recover through a gritted smile, but my ratchets were being incredibly unmotivated turtles.  they proceeded through their morning as if this was their first time going to school.  ugh!

we got in the car (late), me without a lunch (again), and i was in the midst of apologizing for my ridiculous uncomposed behavior when...shit! escaped my mouth.  i swear i had a megaphone secretly implanted inside of my mouth overnight.  i had just spilled half of my coffee all over my coat.  before you even ask, no i don't use a travel mug.  i don't really care for them, but on a morning like today i should've used one.  since i was running late i didn't have a chance to walk my kids into school, i barely slowed down to a complete stop so they could jump, tuck and roll out of the car.  i like to think of this as undercover agent  training.  as far as i'm concerned it is never too early to learn these valuable skills.

let's see by my calculations this is three things that have gone awry; gloppy creamer, blast of water in the face, and sopping wet towel.  if you want to call my drill sergeant interpretation and undercover agent training then we are up to five.  i told you i really pissed off the karma king and he wasn't done.  i'm driving to work still sipping my coffee, but my hand is permanently stuck to my mug due to the sticky gloppy creamer when a very loud ting startles me.  a new window ding, great.  thankfully it wasn't a rock the size of a boulder, but pretty darn close.  now if i had a white towel, tshirt, underwear or bra i would've started waving it out my window hoping that the karma king could see that i've surrendered.  instead i blipped about my ridiculously bad morning.

this evening after my wonderful ratchets have laid their adorable heads on their mountains of pillows and drift away to happy nappy land, i'm going to try this miracle mask that is supposed to destress my skin.  it is only for my face, but i might slather my whole body in it.  lord knows i need it.

The Miracle Mask from www.collegefashion.net

Photo Credit

This DIY mask, made of nutmeg, honey, and cinnamon, is calming and soothing for stressed-out skin – in addition, it smells absolutely amazing!
The secret? Nutmeg and honey act as natural anti-inflammatories, which can reduce swelling and redness in skin. They’re also great for soothing acne scars and preventing infection. In addition, the nutmeg and cinnamon also work to exfoliate your skin when you wash this mask off.
Before you begin, it’s always a good idea to do a small test with homemade mixes on your skin to make sure you don’t have a bad reaction to any ingredients. So remember to do a quick patch test on sensitive skin, like that on the inside of your wrist, before applying this mask to your face.

To create the mask, mix 2 tablespoons of honey with a teaspoon of cinnamon and a teaspoon of nutmeg. The consistency should be like a thick paste. After it’s all mixed, apply the mask to your face and let it sit for 30 minutes. Wash it off with warm water, scrubbing softly in circular motion for exfoliation.

j is for J...

if you have followed my blog from the beginning you will be very familiar with this human, J.  i fell hard for J and obviously that didn't pan out.  we had our falling out, then we patched things up and now we are friends.  he is a forever friend.   i am very thankful to have J in my life.  in whatever capacity that is.

wine vs. whiskey...

over the weekend i went to this event with my sister as my date.  why in the world would a self proclaimed beer drinker go to a wine and whiskey night?  the obvious answer...men!  the other answer is, i'm trying to get out a little more and do grown up things with my sister. 

me: hey sis, want to go to a wine and whiskey tasting

sis: yeah, details so i can clear my schedule

....discussing details....

me: i don't think i like whiskey

sis: me either

me: oh well, we will have fun anyway

 

there was lots of discussion on what to wear.  i'm not sure why, but as i am forever getting older, finding the right attire is getting more difficult.  jeans were out, we were dressing for an event.  cocktail gowns seemed a bit too much.  so what does that leave you with?  i had a dress in mind, it was sleeveless, somewhat sexy but i was going to wear boots instead of hooker heels thinking this would tone it down.  i had to scratch my first outfit due to the fact that my arms are riddled with bruises and i look like i should be taking refuge in a women's shelter.  a heap of options later i decided to go pretty basic; lace and leather.

 

i needed a man's opinion, my son's opinion wasn't cutting it, but he did snap my picture.  which i quickly forwarded to "t-to-the-y".  according to my son he dresses like a fashion model because he wears black boots.  what better person to get an opinion from, right?  along with my picture was the does this work?  i was looking for a yes, or maybe a looks to office-y, instead i got is that a trick question?  a few texts later, it was decided that it was going to work, it was age appropriate, and not too office-y.  phew.

 

sis and i decided to prefunk, this is something grown ups do, have a drink prior to a drinking event.  i got to the destination before her, she was stuck in traffic, so i grabbed the last seat at the bar, which happened to be next to a nicely dressed handsome man.  you can always tell the out of town business man so i asked him where he was from and the basic small talk.  he says to me you look to be about my daughter's age. she just got married last week.   in my head i was thinking, must be a second marriage, but i inquired about the wedding and the age of his daughter.  he said the wedding was great, like he was going to admit anything else, and showed me pictures, then said he was daughter was 26.   hot damn...i'm doing alright.

 

sis and i made it to the event, where each course (there were 5) was paired with two wines and two whiskeys and you had to judge which beverage paired best with the food.  we took a very logical approach, taking one of each, drinking half and swapping.  we both had to drive for heaven's sakes we had to stay legal and remember we are grown ups.  i can hear my friend artifice saying safety first in all caps and multiple exclamation points.

overall the event was fun.  the food was marginal.  the crowd was fun, although sis and i decided there wasn't anyone we would go home with.  the wine was alright and i can confirm that i don't care for whiskey. 

so a little info, i heard about this event through a company called mandeals.  they are kind of like a groupon, but cater the specials towards things that men like.  check it out, there is some good stuff www.mandeals.com  my favorite beverage of the night goes to www.drinksoundspirits.com this is not a whiskey or a wine company, this is vodka and gin.  i really liked the graphics and bottle design. i'm such a sucker for packaging. 

swimming with sharks...

does this graphic make you cringe?  it should.  i know.  i know.  look who's calling the kettle black?   as we all know i have been princess peach, not something i am terribly proud of, but i can't take it back now.

i can however not be in this position again.  but...did you feel that but coming?  how do you know if someone is really single, unattached, and available for you?

several months ago i was belly up to a bar, a handsome gentlemen (without a ring, i always look) sat next to me.  we chatted and eventually i found out that he indeed was sort of with a woman.  i wrote about this knowing my limits.  you might be surprised to know that i exchanged numbers with this taken man.  i had no intentions of starting any type of relationship, romantic or otherwise with this man, which i made very clear, but he was interesting and you just never know when you might need someone's expertise.

the other night i was at an event with my sister.  there was a gentleman there with really nice eyes and no ring.  i made the mistake of sharing this info with my sis.  she proceeded to jot down my number, march across the room and deliver it to the gentleman with the nice eyes.  low and behold he called, but not for what you think.  he called to tell me that he is recently seperated (recently like two weeks ago recently) and we should reconnect in six months or so.  uh, thank you for the call.

as i have shared before (the post this was a first is a good example), just because a gentleman happens to be on a dating website does not mean he is single.  i have encountered more than once a married man looking for a little action on the side to "spice things ups".  seriously?  not something i want to be a part of.  i am not interested in being number two to your wife or contributing to the break up of your marriage.

as much as the graphic makes me cringe, it is very possible that this can happen without you even realizing it.  we can only rely on the information that is presented to us.  unless the human you are dealing with has an iota of integrity and is honest, they may very well be in a relationship and choose to omit that tidbit.  sometimes interacting with humans is like climbing into shark infested waters.

as far as i can tell there is no formula for figuring out someone's availability.  in my book either you are available or not, but there seems to be a lot of gray areas.  there is dating but not exclusive, married but open to new adventures, you're straight up single completely unattached, and i'm sure others that i can't begin to decipher.  the best advice i have is don your chainmail suit and tread carefully.

just be a bitch...

in the midst of a text conversation with my sister, the words true colors can take some time to reveal was exchanged.  i had text this to my sister and she replied tru dat.  oh yes we channel our inner ghetto every now and then.  i should have replied word but i'm not always on top of my game.

anyway, this has got me thinking.  i know i have touched on this before and i'm feeling the need to talk about it again.  why?  well frankly i'm tired of all the bullshit.  it is exhausting to meet people who aren't who they say they are.  why in the world do people do this?  i am of the belief that you can only carry on a charade for so long and eventually who you really are starts to leach out.

i guess what i am saying is if you are a bitch then be a bitch.  if you are an asshole then be straight up about being an asshole.  if you are looking for money be honest about it.  if you are a control freak great, but don't mask that characteristic with some fluffy word that makes you sound softer.  there is someone for everyone, the bitch will find a man who needs a domineering woman.  an asshole will find a woman who does best serving her man and taking orders with little regard to how she is treated.  if you are a gold digger and want to be taken care of, well good news there are men who want to shower a woman with gifts.  and guess what if you are a control freak there is someone out there who can't function without step by step instructions for life.  see someone for everyone.

now to be fair, i am not perfect and i don't always do the things that i preach.  yes occasionally a flashing neon hypocrite sign hovers over my head.  as far as i know i am the only who actually sees the sign.  i haven't asked for confirmation on this, but i'm pretty sure it is just me. 

anyway, as i was saying, just be up front with you are.  it is so much easier and you waste less time.  i am an over sharer and know that i give too much info from the get go, but i would rather let someone know what they are getting into so they have the option of whether they want to join the party or not.  it seems silly to me to hide certain aspects of yourself, let someone become invested in you and then change your tune.

what's my tune?  for the sake of honesty i am on a quest for love and continually put myself out there hoping that something clicks and sticks.  however, i have a strong tendency to avoid and disappear when i am overwhelmed or not sure how to proceed.  i am not great at sharing my feelings with the important people in my life especially with my own voice, but i think i am getting better at this.  if you are alright with me slipping you a note about my feelings we might be a good match. *wink*

i'm broken...

have you ever used the phrase i'm broken?  this is not a reference to your physical state, but more a reference to one's emotional state.  i have.  i can tell you for a long time i actually believed this.  who in the world would want me?  i come with so much luggage i can't carry it without one of those airport carts.  yep, that is a lot of baggage. 

i recently had a conversation with a male friend who used these words i'm broken?  i wanted to know what that meant to him, so obviously i asked what does that mean?   i was curious if a males perspective of being broken was similar to my females perspective.   turns out it was very similar.

his answer:  you can have my body, but not my heart. 

 

interpretation, my heart has been trampled and then spat on.  i've got walls, booby traps and a female devouring dragon protecting it.  however despite the hardened bravado i can sense a vulnerability peaking through his self made defenses.  i will admit that i have hidden behind this broken shield. using it as another line of defense in the multitude of walls i have built to protect myself.  doing what i can to convince myself and everyone else that i'm not worth the risk. 

isn't it crazy how detrimental our internal dialogue can be?  why do we tell ourselves that we aren't worth the risk, that we are unworthy of love?  i know i am guilty of this, but there are so many people in my life who hear me say this and say hogwash. 

i hope that my friend, the one mentioned above, will realize that he is wonderful exactly the way he is.  change his broken anthem to bruised.  get rid of the dragon, come on that is just scary.  keep some of the booby traps, who doesn't love an obstacle course?  tear down some of the walls, but keep the ones that bury the pain you don't want to revisit again.  lastly let the light shine through and find the warmth that comes from sharing yourself with another, body and heart.

as for me, i don't have that discussion with myself very often, but i definitely slip up occasionally.  i am going to leave you with this thought a dear friend of mine shared me,  when the right person enters your life they will not only look past all of your supposed baggage but help you unpack.

i is for i have no freaking idea...

i am so bored with this. 

can you tell?  

 

 independence

ice cream

itchiness

isolation

iguanas

islands

icicles

igloos

iowa

icky

ivy

it

i

i haven't any idea what to be thankful for that starts with an i.

so i am going to fold. 

h is for humor...

i totally love and appreciate someone who can find humor in the most mundane of things.  actually humor is something i look for when i am entertaining the idea of a man.  the candidate in question has to have a wicked sense of humor.  life is just so much better when you are laughing.

there are people who make a living out of humor.  man i wish i was that funny.  i have a friend that i went to high school with who is a comedian.  how freaking awesome is that?  anyway, he lives in this gloriously sunny place called california and has yet to do a show up here, but one of these days i will see one of his shows.  he has promised to give me one of those creepy hugs, you know the ones that last just a little too long for an acquaintance? 

last night i had a fb conversation with my good friend t-to-the-y.  he is seriously one of the funniest guys i know.  i was poking fun at my ever growing behind and this is how our conversation went...

Ha! You're hot during both seasons... don't sweat it! Nothing wrong with a healthy ass!!  You called me a mofo... I'm seriously laughing my ass off!

Aw thx! You always say the right thing. Do you have a manual?  I did. Made myself laugh...

I do! It's called "how to beat the dumbassery that is the male species for dummies" love all those books!

I can see the manual now...she thinks she's fat..(chapter 5) and unattractive (section 2.2) and will be single forever (subsection c) "you're hot during both seasons...don't sweat it! nothing wrong with a healthy ass!!!" Phew got that covered Best seller I'm sure

Seriously cracking up... maybe we should write a book! We could nail it from all angles!!  Meanwhile.... we are single forever... but we would be rich and single!

I think you've nailed the title!  Rich, single and having a secret love affair with each other because we can't ditch our single hood personas

humor is definitely something to be thankful for.  life is so much more fun when you are laughing.