an open window...

 

 

 

over the course of the past few days i have been wrestling with my emotions.  no big surprise there, i seem to go through phases.  it might just be the time of year, but i feel like i am in a twilight zone.  the same question keeps getting asked.  yep that one i don't like to answer.  the few select people that i bare my soul to and am completely transparent with have all surfaced and asked the same darn thing. 

which means i am a walking rain shower of tears, i have deprived myself of adequate nourishment and sleep and have run at least two marathons in my head.  i'm physically drained, emotionally spent and looking for a reprieve.  while some would turn to solace in a bottle, numbing through a pill, sweating it out through excessive exercise or falling to their knees in prayer i turn to pen and paper.  i have been writing and writing in my personal journal. 

this silly question has really made me think (and write) about where i want to go with my life.  who i want to be a part of my future.  what do i have to do to make that happen.  i am still not totally clear on where or how, but through this process i have realized there are some people who are more important to me than i have realized.   more accurately, i have known their importance, just scared of what that means.

fear is an interesting emotion.  it can keep you paralyzed making it impossible to achieve your goals.  or keep you from being open to the greatest love you could imagine.  or make you silence your thoughts to avoid ridicule.  i've heard that you are supposed to face your fears.  but what if facing your fear means reopening a window that has been sealed shut?

as you know i believe in second chances.  i think that if you carefully, methodically and unselfishly unseal the window you have nothing to lose but could possibly gain your biggest dreams.  however if you unseal that window like a scorned lover wrapping your thoughts around a brick and hurling it through the center there may be too many pieces to navigate safely.  either way that window will never be the same.