okay wow! maybe when you say "this is personal" people are intrigued? i am not sure, but i'm a little overwhelmed. thank you to all who reached out either virtually or in person. however, the questions and comments made me realize that i need to expand on this a little more. i scratched the surface on the how's and why's i think this all started, but i didn't get into how this is really affecting me, which is where we are going today.
the term depression has been floating around in my head for the past couple of months. i have looked up all the symptoms and i'm pretty positive i am not there (yet), but the way i am feeling is beyond "being sad", beyond "being hard on myself" and some of the other things i have heard. since i am being honest i am just going to put it out there. please know that i am not being dramatic (which i have a tendency to be sometimes), i am not exaggerating (i have also been known to do this at times), seeking attention or even asking for help.
i have learned through a less than stellar attempt at marriage and a difficult divorce that i cannot sweep things under a rug, i cannot look the other way and hope that the situation will change, i cannot continue the same way and expect change. i have to be honest with myself, acknowledge what i'm doing or not doing, and strategize how to fix it. this is a journey that i ultimately have to take on my own, but being publicly open about my struggles forces me to be accountable.
when i am around people; at work, with my kids, or hanging out with friends/family, i am fine. there is enough distraction that i do not have the time nor the capability to turn inwards. in essence my thoughts are structured. i am so thankful that my kids are around most of the time because they force me to be engaged and participate in my environment.
my doomsday enters when i am left to just my own thoughts. it might be in the hour after the kids go to bed and i go to bed. it might be the thursday evening that the kids spend the night at their dads. it might also be the weekends when my kids are gone. it might be when i am driving from work to school to get my kids or maybe even on my way into work. it might even be in the shower, which is a great place to cry you are already wet. it does not matter if the sun is shining or the moon is glowing, whether the sky is cloudy or clear the uneasiness and overwhelming feeling of despair creeps in.
there are many days that i cannot find the energy, the reason, or a need to get out of bed. i lay in my bed and stare from one wall to the next. my mind is racing, unstructured eddies that collide into each other. during this time i am actively sobbing or tears are ready to crest. my limbs feel heavy and solid. my body feels like it is being swallowed by my mattress and there are times when i wish it would. if i just magically disappeared inside my mattress the feelings would go away.
i always seem to find a way out of bed, usually a craving for coffee or my cat is demanding to be fed. if i don't have any plans for that day i don't shower. i don't change my clothes. i don't brush my teeth or my hair. i walk over everything that is lying around in disarray. i purposely leave my body and home a mess, because i can, although it disgusts me. i usually find myself in the worn down corner of my couch. my throne.
from this vantage point i stare. stare at the mountains of things that need to be done, but much like getting out of bed i cannot find the gumption to do any of it. i don't turn on my heat, i know it will cost me too much and i won't be able to pay my bill. my "sea of cozy blankets" is a necessity not a luxury. often times i choose not to eat because feeling hungry is a different feeling than being sad. i welcome this new feeling. i sit on my throne and imagine all the foods i would like to make but i don't get up.
you might be thinking, "Heather, this is easy, get out of your house and do something! anything!" you're right that would be an easy solution, but most of the time the thought of being social; putting on my happy face, finding my huge smile, dressing my body in clothes that are trying to suffocate me, and laughing seems as daunting as climbing mt. everest. i understand this sounds dramatic, but i assure you it is very real.
when i look at my life, as an outsider, it is full. i can see this and i recognize all that i have to be thankful for. i know that it could be a lot worse and i am blessed on many fronts. however when i look at my life, from my perspective, it is hard and it is a lot like being in the bottom of well without a way of getting out. this is crazy! how can my views be so different?
as all-consuming as this has been i don't want to be numb. i have seen what happens to those who numb themselves. i won't be the gal who drinks herself into a stupor to quiet her head. i won't be the gal who creates a false euphoric state through medication. i won't be the gal who is going to sleep with random men just to satisfy the need to be "wanted" for a fleeting second. i won't be the gal who channels all her anger and sadness into an unhealthy avenue only to have to deal with that issue later. i'm going to feel.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
woe is me...
this year my not-resolution, resolution was to simplify my life. i have been pretty successful at this, but there is a huge side effect of "simplifying" that i wasn't expecting and am struggling with. before i get into the meat of this i have a question: how do you know if you are depressed?
i remember a time when pagers were all the rage. do you remember this time? everyone who was "somebody" had a pager attached to their hip. beep, beep, beep. you instinctively unholster your pager and look at the number, get to a phone and call that person back. enter the introduction of a mainstream cell phone. now the "somebodies" have a pager and a cell phone all holstered on their belts. isn't it crazy to think that cell phones used to be just for phone calls? anyway, my point with this story is when i saw these people with pagers and cell phones all beeping and buzzing at the same time in their holsters i used to comment (under my breath of course) wow! they must be really important!
several years later, a few more life experiences under my belt and i am starting to view this ultra important person a little different. maybe this human is just lonely and creates an aura of self importance? i say this because with my simplifying mission i have lost my virtual self importance. without the gazillion notifications regarding games, someone commenting or "liking" something, a new email coming in, or a text message i feel extremely lonely and unimportant.
there used to be a time when i didn't give a crap about what everyone else in the world was doing. i only knew about the lives of the people i actually interacted with. i wasn't keeping track of how great or how shitty my life was, mostly because i didn't have much to compare it to. i simply lived day to day making the best of everything.
at some point i found myself on facebook. i was quickly addicted to seeing what the rest of the world was doing. interacting with my "friends" who i haven't had any contact with for years but all of sudden i am invested in their daily comings and goings. the "jones's" have suddenly multiplied overnight and there are now hundreds of people to keep up with. somehow this has left me feeling inadequate. i am not running the perfect home, cooking the most elaborate meals, dressing my family in the best, and physically i am falling short because i'm still carrying around my "baby weight". damn you jones's. damn me for caring.
fast forward to 2013. i removed myself from dating websites, i have blocked myself from the majority of games i used to play, i have pared down my social networking two fold and now my phone, my thoroughfare to the virtual world, is relatively dormant. simplifying my life is shrinking my world, reducing the false impact i thought i was making and really has left me feeling small and insignificant. woe is me!
as we are heading into march, i'm struggling to find contentment in a simpler life. how did i do it before? i can't remember. i can't remember if i felt satisfied, content or peaceful. i suppose it won't help me now because i am not the same person. life forces us to grow and face our true selves.
much like an addict i check my phone to see if anyone is thinking about me, wanting the feeling of being important to be fed. and much like an addict i have to find ways to get past the need. the road is long and bumpy. it is lonely and trying. i find myself in tears when i least expect it. consequently i find myself laughing at situations that aren't funny.
i'm hopeful that soon it will pass. soon i will have developed and settled into a new routine. a routine that is centered around my real world, my real interactions, my real relationships. a routine that will be self fulfilling with a true sense of worth. a routine that will leave me in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically.
i remember a time when pagers were all the rage. do you remember this time? everyone who was "somebody" had a pager attached to their hip. beep, beep, beep. you instinctively unholster your pager and look at the number, get to a phone and call that person back. enter the introduction of a mainstream cell phone. now the "somebodies" have a pager and a cell phone all holstered on their belts. isn't it crazy to think that cell phones used to be just for phone calls? anyway, my point with this story is when i saw these people with pagers and cell phones all beeping and buzzing at the same time in their holsters i used to comment (under my breath of course) wow! they must be really important!
several years later, a few more life experiences under my belt and i am starting to view this ultra important person a little different. maybe this human is just lonely and creates an aura of self importance? i say this because with my simplifying mission i have lost my virtual self importance. without the gazillion notifications regarding games, someone commenting or "liking" something, a new email coming in, or a text message i feel extremely lonely and unimportant.
there used to be a time when i didn't give a crap about what everyone else in the world was doing. i only knew about the lives of the people i actually interacted with. i wasn't keeping track of how great or how shitty my life was, mostly because i didn't have much to compare it to. i simply lived day to day making the best of everything.
at some point i found myself on facebook. i was quickly addicted to seeing what the rest of the world was doing. interacting with my "friends" who i haven't had any contact with for years but all of sudden i am invested in their daily comings and goings. the "jones's" have suddenly multiplied overnight and there are now hundreds of people to keep up with. somehow this has left me feeling inadequate. i am not running the perfect home, cooking the most elaborate meals, dressing my family in the best, and physically i am falling short because i'm still carrying around my "baby weight". damn you jones's. damn me for caring.
fast forward to 2013. i removed myself from dating websites, i have blocked myself from the majority of games i used to play, i have pared down my social networking two fold and now my phone, my thoroughfare to the virtual world, is relatively dormant. simplifying my life is shrinking my world, reducing the false impact i thought i was making and really has left me feeling small and insignificant. woe is me!
as we are heading into march, i'm struggling to find contentment in a simpler life. how did i do it before? i can't remember. i can't remember if i felt satisfied, content or peaceful. i suppose it won't help me now because i am not the same person. life forces us to grow and face our true selves.
much like an addict i check my phone to see if anyone is thinking about me, wanting the feeling of being important to be fed. and much like an addict i have to find ways to get past the need. the road is long and bumpy. it is lonely and trying. i find myself in tears when i least expect it. consequently i find myself laughing at situations that aren't funny.
i'm hopeful that soon it will pass. soon i will have developed and settled into a new routine. a routine that is centered around my real world, my real interactions, my real relationships. a routine that will be self fulfilling with a true sense of worth. a routine that will leave me in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically.
Friday, February 22, 2013
my top three...
have you ever noticed that valentine's day happens to be in the unsexiest time of year? winter! a season of hairy women who are still hauling around their holiday weight. who's brilliant design is this anyway?
1. i do not have to go through the transformation from woolly mammoth to hairless cat. i've dutifully been growing the hair on my legs, pits and other places protecting my delicate skin from the harsh winter weather. okay it's not that bad, i can't let my pits grow out that is just nasty, but i will admit that my leg hair can blow in the wind and the "other" places are....seriously i can't tell you that, but woolly mammoth is a stretch however i am far from the hairless cat.
we seem to be in an age where we are determined to excessively groom our body hair; nose, eyebrows, mustaches, ears, arms, legs, backs and even breasts. it is kind of ridiculous how much money and time we put into maintenance. not to mention that removing this natural hair hurts like a mother. if you've never had a waxing of any kind, any where, you should go do it before you ask that someone else do this treat for you.
let's make this clear, i'm not saying that we should be au naturel sporting 'fros in places usually covered by clothing. one should not need bigger undergarments to cover excessive hair growth. i'm thinking though that we wouldn't naturally grow body hair if we didn't need it and maybe, just maybe we've gone a little overboard on the whole hair removal trend? to be honest, i like my man (when i have one) with hair. there is something really creepy about being with a hairless man, he seems prepubescent.
2. i haven't had to diet and desperately attempt to shed the mounds of holiday sweets and savory treats i've consumed from thanksgiving to new years. if i'm being honest my eating hasn't really slowed down. i am embarrassed to admit that i weigh the same, right now, as i did when i was pregnant with my second child. i refuse to buy bigger clothes, but i've got to say my current wardrobe feels like it is trying to kill me slowly by suffocation. it is very unpleasant.
instead of waiting, like i've done every year up to now, for spring, to quickly ditch my protective winter layer in time for the dreaded swim suit season, i have already started. it takes a whole lot for me to drag my uncooperative body off the couch. this time of year i would much rather curl up in a sea of blankets with some munchies and watch endless movies or read copious amounts of books. so here is what i've been doing. i'm still reading but i am walking up and down my stairs book in hand. man it takes a lot of effort to walk stairs. i have roped my kiddos into doing a little exercising in the evenings. let's face it, it is easier to exercise with company. i have even started running again, but only when it is warmish and not raining. i only run on freezing cold rainy days for the st. patty's day dash, which is quickly approaching.
3. number three is directly tied into number two. since i haven't been dieting, the thought of pouring myself into a slinky sexy number makes me want to vomit. the idea of dimpled upper legs, the strings on my skivvies getting lost in a roll, my bat wings flapping oh and don't forget my costco sized muffin top wrapped up in ribbons and lace is too much for anyone to bear. thankfully, this valentine's day, i didn't have to scar anyones brain or damage anyones vision including my own.
instead of a sexy number i donned too big (quickly becoming just right) fleece pants, a ripped up, stained sweatshirt complete with hood on, crazy patterned fleece socks, full coverage skivvies, a holey stained long sleeve tee shirt and my wrist brace. yeah baby, it's a hot look.
well there you go my top three reasons why being single can be a good thing on valentine's day. *wink*
there are some plus sides to NOT having a significant other on valentine's day.
1. i do not have to go through the transformation from woolly mammoth to hairless cat. i've dutifully been growing the hair on my legs, pits and other places protecting my delicate skin from the harsh winter weather. okay it's not that bad, i can't let my pits grow out that is just nasty, but i will admit that my leg hair can blow in the wind and the "other" places are....seriously i can't tell you that, but woolly mammoth is a stretch however i am far from the hairless cat.
we seem to be in an age where we are determined to excessively groom our body hair; nose, eyebrows, mustaches, ears, arms, legs, backs and even breasts. it is kind of ridiculous how much money and time we put into maintenance. not to mention that removing this natural hair hurts like a mother. if you've never had a waxing of any kind, any where, you should go do it before you ask that someone else do this treat for you.
let's make this clear, i'm not saying that we should be au naturel sporting 'fros in places usually covered by clothing. one should not need bigger undergarments to cover excessive hair growth. i'm thinking though that we wouldn't naturally grow body hair if we didn't need it and maybe, just maybe we've gone a little overboard on the whole hair removal trend? to be honest, i like my man (when i have one) with hair. there is something really creepy about being with a hairless man, he seems prepubescent.
2. i haven't had to diet and desperately attempt to shed the mounds of holiday sweets and savory treats i've consumed from thanksgiving to new years. if i'm being honest my eating hasn't really slowed down. i am embarrassed to admit that i weigh the same, right now, as i did when i was pregnant with my second child. i refuse to buy bigger clothes, but i've got to say my current wardrobe feels like it is trying to kill me slowly by suffocation. it is very unpleasant.
instead of waiting, like i've done every year up to now, for spring, to quickly ditch my protective winter layer in time for the dreaded swim suit season, i have already started. it takes a whole lot for me to drag my uncooperative body off the couch. this time of year i would much rather curl up in a sea of blankets with some munchies and watch endless movies or read copious amounts of books. so here is what i've been doing. i'm still reading but i am walking up and down my stairs book in hand. man it takes a lot of effort to walk stairs. i have roped my kiddos into doing a little exercising in the evenings. let's face it, it is easier to exercise with company. i have even started running again, but only when it is warmish and not raining. i only run on freezing cold rainy days for the st. patty's day dash, which is quickly approaching.
3. number three is directly tied into number two. since i haven't been dieting, the thought of pouring myself into a slinky sexy number makes me want to vomit. the idea of dimpled upper legs, the strings on my skivvies getting lost in a roll, my bat wings flapping oh and don't forget my costco sized muffin top wrapped up in ribbons and lace is too much for anyone to bear. thankfully, this valentine's day, i didn't have to scar anyones brain or damage anyones vision including my own.
instead of a sexy number i donned too big (quickly becoming just right) fleece pants, a ripped up, stained sweatshirt complete with hood on, crazy patterned fleece socks, full coverage skivvies, a holey stained long sleeve tee shirt and my wrist brace. yeah baby, it's a hot look.
well there you go my top three reasons why being single can be a good thing on valentine's day. *wink*
Thursday, February 14, 2013
curve ball...
shut up!
first of all i have never liked this holiday. maybe i liked it in grade school, but i can't really recall. i don't have any memory that weighs heavier on either the like or dislike side. since i loathe it now, i am guessing my disdain for valentine's day has been brewing since i was very young.
this year, this stupid holiday is bothering more than usual. maybe it's because my monthly cycle is on the way? or maybe it's because my sister is vacationing and i wish i was with her? maybe it's because my dad is having another round of testing today and i am anxious about it? maybe it's the fact that i want something i can't have? or maybe, just maybe, i am jealous of all you folks in the lovers category?
here's the thing about being jealous, i don't get to be. i consciously removed myself from the virtual dating pool and have turned down any advances that come my way. i have cited many reasons on why; it's too complicated, virtual dating messes with my head, i don't have time, i need to simplify my life and be more present. i stand by all of those, they are all true, but there is one other significant reason why.
i'm not ready to divulge any details, but i will say this sometimes life throws you a curve ball you weren't expecting. sometimes you just need time to figure that out without any other distractions. that is precisely where i am at.
i'm not gonna lie, i would've given just about anything to wake up next to my love. to have shared a passionate romantic morning with him. to have given him the gift i thoughtfully purchased just to watch his "oh my gosh, how did you know?" expression. to have made his favorite meal for dinner. to fall asleep next to him knowing that i was finally home.
this year, this stupid holiday is bothering more than usual. maybe it's because my monthly cycle is on the way? or maybe it's because my sister is vacationing and i wish i was with her? maybe it's because my dad is having another round of testing today and i am anxious about it? maybe it's the fact that i want something i can't have? or maybe, just maybe, i am jealous of all you folks in the lovers category?
here's the thing about being jealous, i don't get to be. i consciously removed myself from the virtual dating pool and have turned down any advances that come my way. i have cited many reasons on why; it's too complicated, virtual dating messes with my head, i don't have time, i need to simplify my life and be more present. i stand by all of those, they are all true, but there is one other significant reason why.
i'm not ready to divulge any details, but i will say this sometimes life throws you a curve ball you weren't expecting. sometimes you just need time to figure that out without any other distractions. that is precisely where i am at.
i'm not gonna lie, i would've given just about anything to wake up next to my love. to have shared a passionate romantic morning with him. to have given him the gift i thoughtfully purchased just to watch his "oh my gosh, how did you know?" expression. to have made his favorite meal for dinner. to fall asleep next to him knowing that i was finally home.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
...
these days i feel like a blip on a radar
every day my blip is inching its way off the grid
what happens if i fall completely off the grid?
will i feel it?
don't forget me...
don't forget me...
don't forget me...
don't forget me...
Saturday, February 9, 2013
positive or negative...
you've purchased the test and raced home. as you are walking through the house you are dropping your purse and keys. you've kicked off your shoes the left and then the right. you have already started unzipping your jeans. you've gnashed open the cellophane with your teeth and ripped the box open like a unleashed beast taking just the stick while the box lies in pieces on the floor. you lift the toilet seat, yank the protective plastic shield off with your teeth and pull your panties down in one swift move. before you've even sat completely down a golden stream starts flowing. you reach between your legs, saturate the extra absorbent end of the stick, replace the plastic shield and then wait.
three minutes flies by when you are talking to your best friend on the phone. but lord almighty three minutes seems like 82 years when you are perched on the toilet seat waiting to see a positive or negative sign. just for the record i am not pregnant or even thinking i might be pregnant. that would mean i would have had to have sex with someone (other than myself) and well that hasn't happened since october.
what is it about waiting that time seems to creep along? waiting is like an itch in the middle of my back that i just can't reach. it drives me completely batshit crazy. i always thought that as you aged, you know gained more wisdom, that you would naturally become more patient. man was i wrong.
it doesn't seem to matter what you are waiting on; the results of a pregnancy test, the phone call saying you got the job, math class to end, the red light to change to green, or your keurig to finish brewing your coffee, it can seem painfully long.
i don't know about you, but if what you are waiting on is something you really are hoping for it seems to take extra long. say you are late for work and sitting at a red light. you look at the light, then the clock in your dashboard, then to the lights operating the other traffic, then back at your clock, then back at the red light. i swear sometimes there are two clocks because the clock in my dashboard seems to be operating in hyper warp speed but the clock that tells the light to change seems to need new batteries because it is stuck.
waiting can drive a person nuts, but i keep trying to remind myself it isn't taking longer, nor is it going to be quicker by dwelling. it just is.
three minutes flies by when you are talking to your best friend on the phone. but lord almighty three minutes seems like 82 years when you are perched on the toilet seat waiting to see a positive or negative sign. just for the record i am not pregnant or even thinking i might be pregnant. that would mean i would have had to have sex with someone (other than myself) and well that hasn't happened since october.
what is it about waiting that time seems to creep along? waiting is like an itch in the middle of my back that i just can't reach. it drives me completely batshit crazy. i always thought that as you aged, you know gained more wisdom, that you would naturally become more patient. man was i wrong.
it doesn't seem to matter what you are waiting on; the results of a pregnancy test, the phone call saying you got the job, math class to end, the red light to change to green, or your keurig to finish brewing your coffee, it can seem painfully long.
i don't know about you, but if what you are waiting on is something you really are hoping for it seems to take extra long. say you are late for work and sitting at a red light. you look at the light, then the clock in your dashboard, then to the lights operating the other traffic, then back at your clock, then back at the red light. i swear sometimes there are two clocks because the clock in my dashboard seems to be operating in hyper warp speed but the clock that tells the light to change seems to need new batteries because it is stuck.
waiting can drive a person nuts, but i keep trying to remind myself it isn't taking longer, nor is it going to be quicker by dwelling. it just is.
Friday, February 8, 2013
i'm not the only sham...
lately i have been reading a series of posts from single dad laughing titled the truth box. if i remember correctly this series started about seven weeks ago. the premise is to anonymously write a lie you actively live and tell and then what the truth is. the beauty behind this series is that it is completely anonymous so you are safe to write whatever you want. to finally let out your deepest, darkest secret.
i did fill out the form, but i am not going to share what i put. i do look for it, but it has yet to be published. here is what i found astounding. every week, the author of this blog, publishes about 60 new entries to the truth box. are you doing the math? he isn't repeating entries. in fact he says that he has received thousands of anonymous confessions. thousands!
why do we pretend to be happy when we are miserable? or pretend to lead lives that we aren't leading? why are we ashamed of who we really are and go to great lengths to disguise our true selves? i have my own theories on this, but i wonder if we, the human race, wouldn't be happier, more fulfilled and generally less stressed if we ditched the sham and just were?
i did fill out the form, but i am not going to share what i put. i do look for it, but it has yet to be published. here is what i found astounding. every week, the author of this blog, publishes about 60 new entries to the truth box. are you doing the math? he isn't repeating entries. in fact he says that he has received thousands of anonymous confessions. thousands!
what in the world is wrong with us?
why do we pretend to be happy when we are miserable? or pretend to lead lives that we aren't leading? why are we ashamed of who we really are and go to great lengths to disguise our true selves? i have my own theories on this, but i wonder if we, the human race, wouldn't be happier, more fulfilled and generally less stressed if we ditched the sham and just were?
Thursday, February 7, 2013
an almost "rachel trifle" moment...
i am a huge fan of the show friends. i never missed an episode. if i had tv i would watch reruns today. my sister often sends me texts with a line from an episode that she thinks i will remember and i never do, i simply don't retain television trivia. this particular episode is one of my favorites (i'm also a huge fan of the PIVOT episode).
at 7:15 this morning, much like any other morning, the breakfast rush starts. my son is always the first for breakfast, he tells me what he would like when i wake him up. lately he has been on a waffle with butter, peanut butter and syrup, cut into squares kick. i make pancakes and french toast from scratch but i am an eggo user when it comes to waffles. open the freezer grab the last of the waffles and pop them in the toaster. do a 180 and pull out a saute pan.
huh?
well, on thursdays we have souper thursday at work and it is my turn to make the soup. i have some prep work to do. while my oil and butter are heating up in the saute pan i utilize my wicked knife skills and make quick work of chopping an onion. as i sweep the onion from my cutting board into the pan and give it a swirl i hear the pop of the toaster. do a 180 and i'm back at the toaster.
just as i get done syruping and cutting up my sons waffles, my daughter comes sauntering into the kitchen, "can i have oatmeal?" "yep" as i am delivering a delicious mound of peanut butter and syrup heaven to the table. a mug of water goes into the microwave and i've got two minutes before it's time to mix the water with the oatmeal.
two minutes is a super long time in the kitchen. i pulled my pork roast that was getting yummy in the crock pot overnight and let it rest for a few minutes. dump the contents of p's oatmeal into a bowl. season my onions with salt and pepper and give them a quick stir. time to shred pork. my onions are golden and starting to caramelize, the pork is shredded and i've got about 30 seconds left on the clock. dump the onions and pork into the crock pot, add beans, broth and some spices, replace the lid and turn it on high. "mom, can i have some milk?" the timer on the microwave goes off. i have two sets of eyes looking at me. p gets her oatmeal, ash gets his milk and it's 7:30.
my kitchen smells like a spicy mexican restaurant and a bakery. it's kind of a lot to stomach at 7:15 in the morning. the competing smells is certifiably nauseating. with only one cup of coffee on board i am lucky i didn't put peanut butter in my soup or add sauteed onions to the oatmeal. yep, here is the connection with rachel's trifle a bit of a stretch but that is just how my brain works.
i would love to say that i came up with the recipe for souper thursday on my own, but who am i kidding i am no chef. thankfully there are some extremely talented humans out there who do all the leg work for me. this was a two part recipe. first you must make the shredded pork. i did mine in the crock pot overnight. i seriously love that i can be sleeping and cooking at the same time. step two is assemble the pork chili verde and let it work its magic.
my choice of toppings; cilantro, lime, queso, and green onions.
pressing my luck...
i had a small disaster this morning or maybe we should view it as a lucky streak. it all started in the wee hours of the morning. you know that hour that you-really-should-be-sleeping-and-in-fact-you-were-sleeping-but-your-stupid-overactive-brain-decided-it-was-done-resting-and-has-now-woken-you-up hour? the one around 3:30? this is where my story starts.
i opened my eyes to a dimly lit room, a soft glow at my window from the street light outside. through my curtains i can make out the shadow of branches swaying in a breeze. there is no sound, not even a car going by. i think it must be early if there are no sounds. a look at the clock and sure enough it's early.
i roll to my left. i roll to my right. i lay on my back staring at the ceiling. my eyes remain open like sentries guarding a gate except there is nothing to guard. i get up to use the bathroom even though i don't feel like i have to go. low and behold i did. i climb back in bed, put on my sweatshirt, turn on my lamp and pick up my book.
it is now 4:30. i'm tired of reading so i turn on my computer. i figured i would write to the person i always write to. my phone beeps you're still awake? sometimes i forget the moment i turn my computer on it shows the world that i am awake. just an fyi, i sleep with my laptop on the side of the bed that never has an occupant and often times i accidentally lay my hand across it. like a giant ogre my computer rouses out of sleep mode, but i am not actually awake. anyway, i chat for a few minutes and write for a few minutes.
it is now 5:00. i hear my coffee pot come to life. the smell of coffee creeps down the hall to my bed, luring me to the kitchen. i pour a cup, go back to bed and pick my book back up. my book is propped up on my legs, i'm holding my full cup to my chest drinking in the aroma and start to read.
the next thing i know hot fluid is being poured all over me. i have successfully soaked myself and bedding (to the mattress) in french vanilla creamer enhanced coffee. surprisingly enough i did not burn myself. thank you to the many layers of fleece i adorn myself and mattress in. i didn't leap out of bed. i may have been in shock. i just sat there staring at the brown stain wicking across my fleece covers.
in movements rivaling those of the south american sloth, i stripped my bed and started the process of laundering mountains of bedding. instead of getting up for the day i poured a fresh cup of coffee, grabbed a blanket from the couch and went back to bed. much like the weavers, i played the odds and pressed my luck. and like the weavers i won. granted it wasn't two lottery winnings in a single weekend, but i did only taking one coffee bath this morning.
i opened my eyes to a dimly lit room, a soft glow at my window from the street light outside. through my curtains i can make out the shadow of branches swaying in a breeze. there is no sound, not even a car going by. i think it must be early if there are no sounds. a look at the clock and sure enough it's early.
i roll to my left. i roll to my right. i lay on my back staring at the ceiling. my eyes remain open like sentries guarding a gate except there is nothing to guard. i get up to use the bathroom even though i don't feel like i have to go. low and behold i did. i climb back in bed, put on my sweatshirt, turn on my lamp and pick up my book.
it is now 4:30. i'm tired of reading so i turn on my computer. i figured i would write to the person i always write to. my phone beeps you're still awake? sometimes i forget the moment i turn my computer on it shows the world that i am awake. just an fyi, i sleep with my laptop on the side of the bed that never has an occupant and often times i accidentally lay my hand across it. like a giant ogre my computer rouses out of sleep mode, but i am not actually awake. anyway, i chat for a few minutes and write for a few minutes.
it is now 5:00. i hear my coffee pot come to life. the smell of coffee creeps down the hall to my bed, luring me to the kitchen. i pour a cup, go back to bed and pick my book back up. my book is propped up on my legs, i'm holding my full cup to my chest drinking in the aroma and start to read.
the next thing i know hot fluid is being poured all over me. i have successfully soaked myself and bedding (to the mattress) in french vanilla creamer enhanced coffee. surprisingly enough i did not burn myself. thank you to the many layers of fleece i adorn myself and mattress in. i didn't leap out of bed. i may have been in shock. i just sat there staring at the brown stain wicking across my fleece covers.
in movements rivaling those of the south american sloth, i stripped my bed and started the process of laundering mountains of bedding. instead of getting up for the day i poured a fresh cup of coffee, grabbed a blanket from the couch and went back to bed. much like the weavers, i played the odds and pressed my luck. and like the weavers i won. granted it wasn't two lottery winnings in a single weekend, but i did only taking one coffee bath this morning.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
precipice...
today i stand on the precipice
holding my solemn wish
securely in a closed fist
fear of crushing this wish
prompts me to let go
breath and
pray
you are with me always
i love you
Monday, February 4, 2013
read on...
january reads
i am a huge reader. i plow through a book every few days. i developed a love of reading by default. i'm pretty sure i've shared this story before but just in case you missed it here you it is again. when i was growing up my house went pitch black dark at 8 o'clock, even during the summer. everyone, including pets, was bed down for the night. we were not allowed to have our big overhead lights on or music going and this was before a thing called laptops, ipads, and cell phones. since i wasn't necessarily tired at 8, i read. turned on my reading lamp and was transported to magical places.
there have been times when i have lost my love of reading, but i always come back to it. my books are like friends. during the time i am carressing a books pages the characters are my confidants, their world is my world. that is until i am done with the book and then i am done in that world and onto the next. i have a hard time getting rid of books, even ones i didn't care for. i have an ever growing stack of books on top of my dresser and gracing the shelves of bookcases.
i have read some interesting books this month. now i am no book critic. far from it. i find something interesting, of value, or worthwhile in every, yes i mean every, book i read.
i picked this book because i loved the little girl on the cover. the cover says for anyone who has ever felt like an outsider. i have felt like an outsider many times in my life. i thought there must be something that will resonate with me even though i'm not a buddhist, i am not an asian refugee, nor was i aware that buddha had a dinner to steal. the title leads you think that there will be food invovled and there was lots, but i was surprised at how romantic the author made crappy american food sound. overall it was a decent read.
the picture being set sideways caught my attention first. i was hoping there would be some revelation throughout the story as to the curious position of the picture, but there wasn't i still have no idea why the picture is sideways. an interesting coming of age story where you get to follow this young man try to navigate life. he didn't suck his thumb as much as i was hoping for, that sounds strange, but it's true.
this was my book club pick for january. i probably wouldn't have picked this for myself, but i was pleasantly surprised. it moved quickly, i loved the way each chapter was told by one of the two main characters. many twists, turns and jaw dropping surprises. definitely kept my attention. i can't say much else because book club hasn't met yet!
a fellow book lover had given me this to read. another book i would never have picked out for myself. however, i did love it. i have read a couple of other steinbeck greats and was surprised at how short this masterpiece is. my only real complaint about this book is that there were characters that made an appearance for a couple of pages and that was it. i wanted to know what happened to them.
initially i fell in love with this book, although it could have used some editing, there were sections that just dragged on. this was a weekend without kids read and i was over the moon to be curled up on my couch following edgar on his adventures. that is until the end. i'm not even kidding this book has the worst ending of anything i have ever (and i've read a lot of books) read. after investing 566 pages of my time edgar he gets killed off. i was quite angry at the ending. oops, guess i just gave the ending away. oh well it isn't worth your time anyway.
a friend of mine had given me this book saying "my sister said this was great." anthony is crudely raunchy but funny as all get out. this reads like you are sitting with anthony at the local pub sharing a pint. although i love food and feel i am fair cook i would never want to be a chef and this book sealed the deal. i am far too lazy to be a professional chef.
six books for january. not bad. let's see if i keep this pace up i will devour 72 books this year. i have heard many times throughout my life you will make time for the things that are important to you. apparently reading is one of those things.
read on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)