woe is me...

this year my not-resolution, resolution was to simplify my life.  i have been pretty successful at this, but there is a huge side effect of "simplifying" that i wasn't expecting and am struggling with.  before i get into the meat of this i have a question: how do you know if you are depressed? 

i remember a time when pagers were all the rage.  do you remember this time?  everyone who was "somebody" had a pager attached to their hip.  beep, beep, beep.  you instinctively unholster your pager and look at the number, get to a phone and call that person back.  enter the introduction of a mainstream cell phone.  now the "somebodies" have a pager and a cell phone all holstered on their belts.  isn't it crazy to think that cell phones used to be just for phone calls?  anyway, my point with this story is when i saw these people with pagers and cell phones all beeping and buzzing at the same time in their holsters i used to comment (under my breath of course) wow! they must be really important!

several years later, a few more life experiences under my belt and i am starting to view this ultra important person a little different.  maybe this human is just lonely and creates an aura of self importance?  i say this because with my simplifying mission i have lost my virtual self importance.  without the gazillion notifications regarding games, someone commenting or "liking" something, a new email coming in, or a text message i feel extremely lonely and unimportant. 

there used to be a time when i didn't give a crap about what everyone else in the world was doing.  i only knew about the lives of the people i actually interacted with.  i wasn't keeping track of how great or how shitty my life was, mostly because i didn't have much to compare it to.  i simply lived day to day making the best of everything.

at some point i found myself on facebook.  i was quickly addicted to seeing what the rest of the world was doing.  interacting with my "friends" who i haven't had any contact with for years but all of sudden i am invested in their daily comings and goings.  the "jones's" have suddenly multiplied overnight and there are now hundreds of people to keep up with.  somehow this has left me feeling inadequate.  i am not running the perfect home, cooking the most elaborate meals, dressing my family in the best, and physically i am falling short because i'm still carrying around my "baby weight".  damn you jones's.  damn me for caring.

fast forward to 2013.  i removed myself from dating websites, i have blocked myself from the majority of games i used to play, i have pared down my social networking two fold and now my phone, my thoroughfare to the virtual world, is relatively dormant.  simplifying my life is shrinking my world, reducing the false impact i thought i was making and really has left me feeling small and insignificant.  woe is me! 

as we are heading into march, i'm struggling to find contentment in a simpler life.  how did i do it before?  i can't remember.  i can't remember if i felt satisfied, content or peaceful.  i suppose it won't help me now because i am not the same person.  life forces us to grow and face our true selves. 

much like an addict i check my phone to see if anyone is thinking about me, wanting the feeling of being important to be fed.  and much like an addict i have to find ways to get past the need.  the road is long and bumpy.  it is lonely and trying.  i find myself in tears when i least expect it.  consequently i find myself laughing at situations that aren't funny.

i'm hopeful that soon it will pass.  soon i will have developed and settled into a new routine.  a routine that is centered around my real world, my real interactions, my real relationships.  a routine that will be self fulfilling with a true sense of worth.  a routine that will leave me in a better place mentally, emotionally and physically.