woe is me, part deux...

okay wow!  maybe when you say "this is personal" people are intrigued?  i am not sure, but i'm a little overwhelmed.  thank you to all who reached out either virtually or in person.  however, the questions and comments made me realize that i need to expand on this a little more.  i scratched the surface on the how's and why's i think this all started, but i didn't get into how this is really affecting me, which is where we are going today.

the term depression has been floating around in my head for the past couple of months.  i have looked up all the symptoms and i'm pretty positive i am not there (yet), but the way i am feeling is beyond "being sad", beyond "being hard on myself" and some of the other things i have heard.  since i am being honest i am just going to put it out there.  please know that i am not being dramatic (which i have a tendency to be sometimes), i am not exaggerating (i have also been known to do this at times), seeking attention or even asking for help.  

i have learned through a less than stellar attempt at marriage and a difficult divorce that i cannot sweep things under a rug, i cannot look the other way and hope that the situation will change, i cannot continue the same way and expect change.  i have to be honest with myself, acknowledge what i'm doing or not doing, and strategize how to fix it.  this is a journey that i ultimately have to take on my own, but being publicly open about my struggles forces me to be accountable.

when i am around people; at work, with my kids, or hanging out with friends/family, i am fine.  there is enough distraction that i do not have the time nor the capability to turn inwards.  in essence my thoughts are structured.  i am so thankful that my kids are around most of the time because they force me to be engaged and participate in my environment.

my doomsday enters when i am left to just my own thoughts.  it might be in the hour after the kids go to bed and i go to bed.  it might be the thursday evening that the kids spend the night at their dads.  it might also be the weekends when my kids are gone.  it might be when i am driving from work to school to get my kids or maybe even on my way into work.  it might even be in the shower, which is a great place to cry you are already wet.  it does not matter if the sun is shining or the moon is glowing, whether the sky is cloudy or clear the uneasiness and overwhelming feeling of despair creeps in.

there are many days that i cannot find the energy, the reason, or a need to get out of bed.  i lay in my bed and stare from one wall to the next.  my mind is racing, unstructured eddies that collide into each other. during this time i am actively sobbing or tears are ready to crest.  my limbs feel heavy and solid.  my body feels like it is being swallowed by my mattress and there are times when i wish it would.  if i just magically disappeared inside my mattress the feelings would go away. 

i always seem to find a way out of bed, usually a craving for coffee or my cat is demanding to be fed.  if i don't have any plans for that day i don't shower.  i don't change my clothes.  i don't brush my teeth or my hair.  i walk over everything that is lying around in disarray.  i purposely leave my body and home a mess, because i can, although it disgusts me.  i usually find myself in the worn down corner of my couch.  my throne.

from this vantage point i stare.  stare at the mountains of things that need to be done, but much like getting out of bed i cannot find the gumption to do any of it.  i don't turn on my heat, i know it will cost me too much and i won't be able to pay my bill.  my "sea of cozy blankets" is a necessity not a luxury.  often times i choose not to eat because feeling hungry is a different feeling than being sad.  i welcome this new feeling.  i sit on my throne and imagine all the foods i would like to make but i don't get up. 

you might be thinking, "Heather, this is easy, get out of your house and do something! anything!"  you're right that would be an easy solution, but most of the time the thought of being social; putting on my happy face, finding my huge smile, dressing my body in clothes that are trying to suffocate me, and laughing seems as daunting as climbing mt. everest.  i understand this sounds dramatic, but i assure you it is very real.

when i look at my life, as an outsider, it is full.  i can see this and i recognize all that i have to be thankful for.  i know that it could be a lot worse and i am blessed on many fronts.  however when i look at my life, from my perspective, it is hard and it is a lot like being in the bottom of well without a way of getting out.  this is crazy!  how can my views be so different? 

as all-consuming as this has been i don't want to be numb. i have seen what happens to those who numb themselves. i won't be the gal who drinks herself into a stupor to quiet her head.  i won't be the gal who creates a false euphoric state through medication.  i won't be the gal who is going to sleep with random men just to satisfy the need to be "wanted" for a fleeting second.  i won't be the gal who channels all her anger and sadness into an unhealthy avenue only to have to deal with that issue later.  i'm going to feel.