curve ball...

on a holiday that celebrates the losers and the lovers, the irrational side of my brain is in full swing. it takes a lot to quiet that annoying bitch. she is loud and persistent. she begs to be paid attention to, to be swooned over, to be doted on.  at the moment she is taunting loudly, "hey loser, you're spending another holiday alone."

shut up!

 

first of all i have never liked this holiday.  maybe i liked it in grade school, but i can't really recall.  i don't have any memory that weighs heavier on either the like or dislike side.  since i loathe it now, i am guessing my disdain for valentine's day has been brewing since i was very young. 

this year, this stupid holiday is bothering more than usual.  maybe it's because my monthly cycle is on the way?  or maybe it's because my sister is vacationing and i wish i was with her?  maybe it's because my dad is having another round of testing today and i am anxious about it?  maybe it's the fact that i want something i can't have?  or maybe, just maybe, i am jealous of all you folks in the lovers category? 

here's the thing about being jealous, i don't get to be.  i consciously removed myself from the virtual dating pool and have turned down any advances that come my way.  i have cited many reasons on why; it's too complicated, virtual dating messes with my head, i don't have time, i need to simplify my life and be more present.  i stand by all of those, they are all true, but there is one other significant reason why.

i'm not ready to divulge any details, but i will say this sometimes life throws you a curve ball you weren't expecting.  sometimes you just need time to figure that out without any other distractions.  that is precisely where i am at. 

i'm not gonna lie, i would've given just about anything to wake up next to my love.  to have shared a passionate romantic morning with him.  to have given him the gift i thoughtfully purchased just to watch his "oh my gosh, how did you know?" expression.   to have made his favorite meal for dinner.  to fall asleep next to him knowing that i was finally home.