i was left with....why?

i attended a memorial service this weekend.  i didn't know the young man who died.  i went because he is my best friend's husband's nephew.  she asked me to go to support her husband.  i went without thinking twice about it.  i would've gone without having to be asked, there are times in life when another human just needs to be supported and loved regardless of whether it fits into a schedule. 

i have stalled writing about this.  the experience was so powerful, raw, emotional, and incredible.  there is a part of me that feels like this is a private family matter and then another part that feels it is so powerful it needs to be shared.  this experience also hit close to home for me and i have been examining my own feelings and thoughts.  so i have had a few days to reflect on my experience, talk with the family, work through my own feelings and i feel i am ready to share this experience.

the parking lot was packed.  there weren't any limos or super fancy rigs just your average high school students vehicle.  many of the cars had messages scrawled on the windows; "you will be missed." "what's the difference between an orange?" "you are in our hearts".  i was greeted by a life size picture of Avalon.  i had only met him once and quite honestly i don't remember him.  i was astounded by how much he resembled his uncle frank and the redmon boys, it really took me back a second.  he was a handsome young man with distinct features, probably the most prominent was his deliberate bald head and big rosy red cheeks.  he looked happy and jovial.

the sanctuary was themed in green.  i never found out why, maybe this was his favorite color?  maybe it was because this month is traditionally associated with green?  maybe it had a more symbolic meaning such as a reference to nature and the earth?  i wish i knew, but it was still tastefully decorated.  there were three large screens the center one played a video and the two that flanked it had the same picture from the foyer.  i found myself staring at those photos looking for some sign as to why this happened, looking for sadness or despair and i never saw it in his face. 

the memorial service was beautifully done.  i was impressed by the poise and eloquence of the students.  i have never encountered a group of youth with so much pride (not in arrogant way), love and openness about their grief.  Avalon was in the school's choir, the men's ensemble and the men's quartet.  the choir sang several times throughout the service.  every time they took the stage, the other members left Avalon's space vacant.  the symbolism was powerful, a way for them to honor the loss of their classmate and friend.  they all kept their composure throughout each number and silently resumed their seats afterwards.  when seated the support continued, several held hands between the rows (they took up 3 full rows of seats), some held their heads in their hands and were comforted by supportive hands on their backs.  as a stranger to this young man it was incredible to see just how much his death impacted his peers they were truly heartbroken.

i left the service wondering why?  why did this happen?  why did Avalon feel like he had no other option but to end his own life?  these are questions that will never be answered.  they will haunt his family and friends forever. 

i had mentioned that this hit close to home for me.  i don't want to give too many details, because the nitty gritty isn't for me to share, but a person who i care about and will always care about attempted to end his life twice.  he was almost successful in his quest.  after the first time it happened, i had many questions.  i struggled with two scenarios, both of them had huge consequences.  i am thankful that i didn't have to face any of those consequences. 

it seems often times we don't realize the impact we have on other's lives.  i wonder if Avalon knew how big of a footprint he was going to leave behind?  if he knew would his actions have been different?  i can tell you first hand that his footprint is big, he impacted me and i had never had a conversation with him.  i got to find out through the grieving of a nephew, just how much i personally have impacted the redmon family.  i have always known that i am part of their family, i am always welcome whether i am invited or i just show up.  i got to feel that which is so different from knowing it.  i have never shared such an intimate and raw moment with frank before.  to be able to trust someone enough to be vulnerable is powerful,  pure and real.  i will never ever again question, not that i ever did, our friendship it is strong and meaningful.

Avalon Drew Ligman was a really awesome young man.  unfortunately we will never get to see how many more lives he would've touched.  we will never get to see the difference he would have made in this world.  i think he would've done awesome things.  i am left knowing he has been released of his demons and that he is at peace.  goodbye Avalon, you will be missed.