today i am wrestling with me....

today i am wrestling with me; my insecurities, my ridiculous behavior, my neediness.  i drive myself nuts and often times despise this characteristic of myself. 

my insecurity has nothing to do with my physical appearance, although at this present moment i am not at all happy with how i look.  i am sitting at my, correction shreddie's, kitchen table just back from church.  today i wore jeans and my sweater from shreddie (i needed a little reminder of her today, because usually we are skyping on sunday mornings). sitting is never a pretty sight for me.  i naturally hunch forward, hunch is not a very elegant word to describe yourself, but this is what i do.  when i hunch, my somewhat tone, after two kids, belly lurps over the waistband of my jeans.  ugh!!  i really can't stand it, but outside of plastic surgery there really is no cure for this.  it isn't fat, it is just extra skin and let's face it my skin does not the elasticity of a 20 something anymore, so regardless of the amount of sit ups and crunches or dieting i embark upon, i will always have this reminder of my two cherubs....the extra inch and a half of skin that graces my midsection. no one would ever notice or care about this but me and yet i am conscious of it every time i sit down. since we are on this subject laying down isn't any better, nursing two kids was not kind to my breasts.  when i lay down they slide off my chest and take residence somewhere under my armpits.  seriously this is terrible, now my chest has less definition than my back and i have weird growths under my armpits.  truly the only safe position for me is standing and even then i must wear a bra to lift the empty nylons dangling from my chest, remember to suck in the extra skin belt at my waist and drop my shoulders because my neck looks like it is constantly being swallowed up by my shoulders.  oh my word!! 

hard to believe that this isn't my issue today, but it isn't.  my insecurity today has been brooding for a really long time.  if i am to be completely honest, which i usually try to be, this insecurity has been with me for as long as i can remember.  this is something i only experience with men, which is ultra annoying because i often come across as an unreasonable crazy person, but i choose my words carefully to try and lessen the blow.  i am ultra confident with myself when it comes to other relationships in my life; being a mother, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a Believer.  i know exactly who i am, what i can bring, what my job and duties are.  i don't always do a stellar job, but i don't often question myself in these relationships. 

when it comes to a man, i question every aspect of that relationship.  i analyze every interaction, every conversation and admittedly take words shared out of context.  you know when read a fortune cookie fortune and it is funnier when you add "in bed"?  well i don't add those words, but i think that sometimes i take a statement that was meant as a general idea and apply it to just me.  i don't think that i am that wonderful that of course it is meant for me, i guess i am just a dreamer. a searcher of that fairy tale relationship that fulfills all needs, desires, dreams and hopes.  if i am to embrace the words of Beth Moore i already have that relationship with God, but is it really that selfish of me to want an earthly relationship with a man that i can physically touch, hold and share with? 

part of this insecurity is that i have expectations, i make assumptions.  when those don't come to fruition i am let down, annoyed and quite frankly hurt.  is it unreasonable?  sometimes, especially if the other person didn't know that i had these expectations and assumptions.  it is a whole other ballgame when the other person knows, you've made plans and they don't happen, but for me that "let down" feels the same. today i am wrestling with scenario number one, my assumptions.  there were never any plans made or even a discussion about plans, i just assumed.  what is that phrase?  assuming makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me", well this is exactly how i feel, like an ass.  in my crazy head something else was more important, better, more desirable, and it might be, but that wasn't the premise behind it.

a question like "is everything ok? i feel like something is up." is a loaded question for me.  in the past i would have answered "yep, i'm good."  i guess i shouldn't say in the past because that is how i answered, but after thinking about it, i decided to actually explain "i am wrestling with my insecurities.  i have limited time to see you, but we each have lives that don't include the other (as it should be considering this is new).  it got to me...that realization, and being the needy somewhat unreasonable gal that i am it made me uncomfortable and insecure." 

i could have left it at yep, but that isn't really me.  i am emotional, unreasonable at times, and i freak out about little things but i am up front about it.  i am not good at getting my point across without being accusatory or defensive, but i am working on it.  my good friend don once told me, "whoever you have in your life will be okay with all the sides of you and if he can't handle it, well he just isn't the right one."