rim job...

several months ago there was a runner in arizona who was caught on film pooping in someone's yard.  according to the news story, a fed up homeowner caught the repeat offender on a hidden camera.  instead of going to the police, the homeowner sent it to the local news station.  sometimes public shaming is in order to get your point across.

over the summer i started running a lot.  i still loathe the actual process of running, you know the one foot in front of the other business, but i have gotten much better at it which makes it tolerable.  to be completely honest it isn't as bad as it used to be.  i don't get as tired, my legs don't hurt as much, my lungs don't feel like they are going to explode anymore, my breathing is way better and my rear doesn't jiggle as much as it used to.  all bonuses in my book. 

i have never had the urge to drop trow and crap in someone's yard, but after my experience yesterday i might choose an outside venue from now on. 

there are two port-a-johns at the trail head where i run.  after my run yesterday, i told my running partner "i'm going to use the potty."  he said, "okay, i'll meet you at the truck."  before we go any further let's chat a bit about these portable toilets.  you are stuck inside a plastic coffin of human excrement.  they smell terrible.  they are never clean.  there is no way to wash your hands.  it's a super small space that lends itself to mistakes.  in a nutshell they are ultra gross!

so i go into the john.  barely touch the handle to lock the door.  lift the lid to expose the heaping pile of crap, paper, liquid and the cloud of fumes that probably could've lifted the lid by itself.  one of the top 5 rules to using a port-a-john is you don't ever sit on a port-a-john seat EVER, you only hover regardless of what kind of business you are adding to the pile. i pulled down my pants as quickly as i could and did my business.

here is where something went terribly wrong.  it wasn't splash back, although that has happened to me.  i didn't even accidentally sit down.  there was toilet paper, which i had grabbed enough to wipe 35 butts just to be on the safe side.  but my luck was about to change.

i reached around to the right.  now, your hand has to pass the seat, graze the rim and dip into the bowl just a bit in order to get around one's hip and behind your bum.  as my hand dipped in i felt something touch me...

have you ever played operation?  wiping your ass in a port-a-john is very similar to playing this popular kids game.  although there are no sound affects, if you accidentally touch the rim you might just get more than you bargained for.

...for some reason my right hand was damp.  not wet like water wet, but cold and damp.  in what felt like slow motion i pulled my hand back into my line of vision.  right there on my hand, the cause of the damp, was crap!  not my crap...someone else's crap! 

now it's gross enough when you accidentally get your own crap on your hand.  you know this has happened at some point in your life.  you don't use enough toilet paper.  you are somewhere with that ridiculous one ply toilet paper and even when you use 12 sheets it still soaks through.  someway, somehow you've done this.  now just imagine you have someone else's crap, a complete stranger's crap, you've never set eyes on this person's crap...on...your...hand!

what happened after can only be described as some sort of attack.  i completely freaked out inside of my plastic coffin of human excrement.  i started dry heaving making this horrible barfing sound intermixed with "oh shit! oh shit! oh shit!"  somehow i got my drawers pulled back up, with my completely useless left hand, all the while holding my right hand as far away from me as i could. 

i washed my hand in a stagnant pond of green.  it was the only water source.  my running partner had a travel size bottle of hand sanitizer, which i dumped way more than i needed in my palm and rubbed vigorously into the affected area.  however, i wasn't satisfied, i put on gloves.  i had to cover my contaminated hand so i wouldn't have to look at it or worse forget and touch myself with it before i had a chance to properly clean it.

time to come full circle with the story from the beginning.  maybe this public pooper has had too many mishaps with conventional toilets and has decided that the only safe way to go number two is out in the open?  lets face it there is absolutely zero risk of getting someone else's crap on your hand when you just squat out in the open.  the public pooper may be onto something, but i don't see myself doing this anytime soon.  instead i will take the riskier approach and take my chances in public facilities.