my son is ten. he is a pretty typical boy in most respects he likes; video games, donuts, soccer, altering safe toys into weapons of very little destruction, a strong dislike on being clean, exploring in the woods and streams, wrestling anybody who will participate, scaring me whenever the opportunity arises, tormenting his older sister, drawing, finding anything to do besides his homework, and showing me anything that has to do with pooping or farting.
he is reserved and shy, and like most adult men i know, does not share his feelings freely. he seems to keep those things locked up tight, but every now and then he breaks down. when those moments happen he has my undivided attention. there could be a meteor headed right towards the spot i am sitting, or the zombie apocalypse could be starting (just for the record, i think the whole zombie thing is totally dumb), or the president could be tugging at my shirttail, none of it is as important or pressing as hearing the thoughts going on in my little man's head.
i am always surprised by what he reveals. i'm not sure that i am completely equipped to be raising a boy. his little mind works so differently from mine, most of the time i am at a loss. i don't realize the challenges he faces as a young man trying to find his place in this world. his road of discovery and truth is just starting, but i worry for him. i don't know how to instill confidence to share his feelings when the world around him tells him, "men don't share their feelings."
i have read countless articles, in every kind of publication imaginable, that single mothers raise weak sons. due to our societies high divorce rate, more boys are being raised solely by women and we women are instilling girly qualities in our boys. in my experience, women tend to be much more comfortable sharing their feelings, sometimes we share too much (i recently shared too much and it didn't turn out well), but for the most part you don't really have to guess where you stand with women. whereas men tend to keep their feelings locked behind an impassable door with only one key, which they keep hidden away.
i wonder out loud, can't there be a happy medium? is it really that unrealistic to raise young men to openly share their feelings without taking away from all the macho manliness that men have been taught for countless years? does asking your son to share his feelings, to do the dishes, to help fold clothes, to do any other traditional woman oriented chores, or simply living with just females really emasculate that young man?
i do my best as a woman to understand the challenges my son faces, when he chooses to share them with me. i try to indulge the gross things he is interested in (we just went through the process of curing a crow skull). i laugh at the ridiculous videos he finds that center around farting or pooping, even if i find very little humor in them at all. i save the traditional man chores for my young man. i try not to get too worked up when he digs massive holes in my backyard just for the sake of digging a hole. i react appropriately at the pranks he pulls on me as long as they aren't dangerous.
the authors, researchers and voices behind "single mother's raise weak men" would probably cringe at the fact that i require my son to give me a kiss everyday, that i hug him in front of his friends, that i encourage him to share his thoughts, not just his cockamamie ideas, but his feelings as often as he wants, and that i tell him i love him every chance i get, but i don't care. they can be naysayers. watching my son trying to put on a brave face just to be a "man" makes my heart hurt and frankly i think it's wrong.
8 comments:
It wasn't until I lived outside the US and learned to write letters that I was able to share my feelings, even if it wasn't polished. Years later I would find that outlet when I started my blog. I don't believe you're raising a weak son at all. After baseball, basketball, or football games my mother was the first one on the field to me, giving me hugs no matter how dirty and sweaty I was at the time. Maybe he doesn't see it today, but one day he'll look back on your affection with fond memories. It sounds like you're already well on your way to raising a fine, handsome young man.
Hey Heather...You might like a book I'm finishing called "That's My Son." I think it gives helpful advice to single mothers, rather than bashing them. I think you are working your ASS off to understand your son, and you should be proud! You can borrow the book from me, if you want!
brett...thank you for sharing. I don't think i'm raising a weak son either but there does seem to be a plethora of negativity in regards to single mom's raising boys. I suppose it's a good thing I don't really care what they say and do things the best I know how, just wish he didn't feel the pressure to bottle things up.
lizzy...I would actually like to borrow your book. I can use all the help I can get. thank you for your kind words and for sharing.
Heather, you are such a girl and I love you for it. Nothing in the message below is criticism. It's all for the purpose of provding a male perspective. There are no answers within.
Maybe he doesn't feel pressure to bottle things up. Perhaps it's the other way around, that he doesn't feel the need to share. Some people are just that way. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong.
Why do _you_ have to get in there? Are you worried that he's not coping with things? He's probably fine. When you can visibly see that something is bugging him it's a good time to inquire. Make sure you give it a few minutes. It takes a while to get used to the idea of speaking, and then to figure out what to say. Your simple physical presence with a brief invitation to share followed by some silence might do the trick.
Male on male exhortations to man up, don't be a pussy, go cry emo kid, they are a lifelong pressure that boys and men face. But it's not _just_ machismo. I think grown men know something women don't. Men know that one day a boy will need grace under pressure. Maybe there is some emergency or some violence. Grace under pressure _requires_ emotional self control.
I know women can act in stressful situations too. But if a man is handy, he's expected to go first. "Women and children first" into the lifeboats, right?
We've got ideas about "our sacred honor" that span generations and cultures. Everywhere and at all times men are honored for being steely in the face of adversity. This is the nature of things since the beginning.
Doing "women's work" chores don't mean a thing. I'm glad I had to do that stuff because it makes me more independent and not a total slob.
Don't worry about communicating about emotion as a cause of "raising weak men." I would say we are raising weak _people_ across the board. I think it is because or a dearth of opportunities to learn strength. Life is pretty cushy in America. The road to strength of character goes through a forest of pain.
If you worried about the "strength" of your son, provide him opportunities to be strong. The only way to be strong is to practice.
Sports are good. Work is good. Things that require preparation, like an overnighter in the woods, are good. Opportunities to exert physical strength are good. Put him in a situation where someone else is depending on him. Teamwork is good. Independent work is good.
I know you love him. But you can't keep him. I know you want to be there for him. He doesn't always want you there. He's going to figure more and more things out on his own. These are the things that make moms cry, both because they are happy, and because they miss the younger boy that was.
And the countless articles... don't put too much faith in them. The ancients know more about people than the stuff in those articles.
Wow! That was longer than I thought it would be.
To my long winded Anonymous...1. wish I knew who you were, so that I could thank you personally. Sometimes I despise the "anonymous" option. 2. thank you, for everything you said. I did not take it as criticism, not just because you prefaced it that way, but because it wasn't negative towards me just factual. 3. I need a male perspective because obviously I am not a man and the prominent male figure in my son's life isn't necessarily the view I wish for him to have.
4. thank you. did I already say that? well thank you again and again and again. 5. sorry I didn't get to this earlier.
cheers,
heather (such a girl)
No problem. And your very welcome. I wondered how my input would be received.
Now I'm torn whether I should tell you who I am. I will tell you this. Watch "Gran Torino" for a perspective not unlike what I posted here. That should pretty much give away my secret.
LOL
I was raised by a single mom and she made sure that I got to play in the woods, wear my cammies, play with toy guns, video games and a bunch of other guy stuff.
My other friends that age who had both a father and mother didn't have anyone worrying about whether they had enough boy activities to do.
Single mom's are awesome because they always worry there son isn't going to get to do the guy stuff so they over compensate with a bunch of cool activities.
He likely will end up being manlier than most guys when he grows up because you put more thought into it.
As far as not sharing his feelings go come on, he's a boy. What boy shares his feelings with his mom?
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