how do you know when to break up with someone? i know there are many, many different scenarios as to why someone would call it quits, we all have our thresholds, but how we come to that precipice is interesting to me.
i think it is a false presumption to think that we break up with people because we dislike them or stop loving them. i know too many people, myself included, that decide for one reason or another that they must put some distance between themselves and their partner. I know from my own personal experiences it isn't because i stopped caring. i just don't think you can turn off the love switch that easily.
let's go way back to matt. i broke things off with him, not because i didn't care about him anymore, but because what we were wanting, in terms of our relationship, were on different ends of the spectrum. our last significant time together we went on a hike to pilchuck. we talked about our future life together, what we were wanting from each other and possible solutions as to how we could make it happen. i remember during our descent, he was walking in front of me and i was dissecting the whole conversation when i called his name. he stopped on the trail, looked back at me with a skeptical smile. i walked up to him, gave him a huge hug and kiss and said, "i love you."
i meant it, i did love him, but love isn't everything. i had realized on this hike that the compromises he was asking me to make were beyond the scope of what i could do. i wanted to try them because i cared about him deeply, but i knew eventually i would be unhappy and possibly resentful for having made so many sacrifices to make "us" work. why get started down a path with him, that included the livelihood of four children, just to uproot their lives and ours? i couldn't bring myself to do it.
that hike was one of the last times we were in each others presence. we met one other time, at his request, to try to talk it through but i had made up my mind on the mountainside. the last time we were together ended in tears on both our parts. although it was a hard decision i felt it was the best for my kids and i. i have since learned he has married.
let's jump ahead to something a little more recent. lately (in the last couple of years), i have found myself in entanglements where i give more than what is being received. maybe i jump in too quickly, or i have too high of expectations, or i don't even know what else, but whatever the case i feel like i am holding the short end of the stick. not really the situation i want to be involved in, so i move on.
i move on because i want to be in a situation where both parties are giving and it's satisfying for everyone. relationships cannot be one sided. again, i don't decide to move on because i dislike them, maybe their actions, but not them. it is usually a tough decision because i still really enjoy their company i just need more. i need something that either they are unwilling or can't give (to me). sigh.
so, how do you know when to call it quits? for me i think it is when you are having to change who you are to accommodate your partner. when we do this, we build up resentment because the relationship isn't satisfying our needs we are just pleasing someone else. the right relationship should nourish, celebrate and embrace each parties wants, needs and goals.
a side note: i don't think you should jump to the quitting selection. there are a lot of opportunities to improve a relationship if both parties are willing and open to compromise.
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