why is that we hold onto trinkets, memories, people, what have you, that bring us pain? are we martyrs at heart, at the very core of our being, repeatedly causing ourselves grief and pain by revisiting the past? or maybe it isn't about the malaise, maybe it is a way to prove to ourselves that our worth hasn't been crushed, kind of the, i will triumph no matter what, mentality?
the other night i couldn't sleep. i had a million and two snapshots nascar-ing in my brain. images circling, lapping, speeding up, slowing down, one image jockeying the next image for first place. it was seriously exhausting. at some point in time i did find sleep because i woke up.
are you a re-hasher? are you someone who dissects the past to see where things went wrong, where things went right, find ways to improve for the future and bury what you will never, ever repeat? i am. this is what was happening the other night.
just as i was trying to fall asleep my brain, or maybe my heart, decided to do something else besides partake in blissful sleep. i spent several hours lying in the dark, covers pulled up to my chin, staring at the wall in front of me. a blank robin's egg blue wall, that i painted with the person who was occupying my thoughts. just like watching a movie our whole friendship played on the blank space in front of me; all the laughter, the tears, the anger, the apologies, and the love.
my "movie" must've ended on a good note which is why i finally fell asleep. however when i awoke, my thoughts were still occupied. sometimes people have such a profound impact on your life it is hard to let go. it is hard to push their existence into a place that you can't easily visit. let's face it, it is just hard.
the moments i spend reliving the past with this person continually wane. it is not because i don't care it is simply too hurtful to visit on a regular basis. living in the past prohibits me from being open and accepting of the positives that are in my life right now. taking steps to positively impact my mental health doesn't just happen, it is a conscious decision i have to work at every day.
2 comments:
Maybe it's time to paint the wall again.
I've never been like that but I dated someone for 5 years that was like that. We broke up over 4 years ago and she still tries to visit the past under the guise of something else. I have to say, it can be a little taxing.
Here's to sleeping better tonight.
T.R....funny I never thought to repaint the wall.
I don't revisit the past very often and it isn't something I plan to do. it just so happened that on that day a reminder came up so when I attempted to sleep it all came back. sigh. I can imagine that it is taxing (I know it is for me), but I don't contact this human to rehash, I just torture myself.
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