feeling dirty...

it never fails i get all dolled up for the day, i've put my face on, my hair is coiffed, my clothes are fitting perfect, i'm ready to walk out the door for the day and it hits.  a rumble.  the sometimes shooting pain that doubles me over and brings me back to those moments in the hospital when my legs were in stirrups and i was pushing a 6 pound human out of my hoo-ha.  the commotion stops me in my tracks.  i spend the next few seconds, which seem like minutes, in utter silence trying to decipher the message my body is sending me; fart or assplosion?

the passage of smelly odors isn't too bad.  for a moment you might be engulfed in a cloud, but it dissipates or you just walk away.  an assplosion is a whole other story.

the assplosion leaves me feeling dirty.  dirty enough that i want to take another shower, but i don't have time for that.  dirty enough to change my clothes, but i don't have time for that either.  dirty enough that the minty flavor in my mouth, the citrusy smell on my hands (from the hand soap), and spritz of hairspray does not mask the dirtiness down under. 

before going any further i should mention that i am not really dirty, i just feel dirty.  there seems to be no amount of wiping that will cure the dirty feeling.  maybe this is why bidets were invented?  this is a device i haven't tried before but maybe i should?

why in the world does this happen when i am ready to leave the house?  why can't it happen before i get in the shower?  it might be a cruel joke to take me down a notch and remind me that every day is an uphill climb.  or i could be over thinking and it is just coincidence.  nonetheless the timing is less than ideal.  my super awesome morning is quickly altered and i'm left feeling less than fresh.

anyway, that's all i've got for today.  hope your day is fresh.