on a recent friday night, i had the pleasure of sharing a beer (or two), a plate of asian nachos and deep conversation with two intelligent forward thinking men. oh stop it, this wasn't an interview for a threesome. anyway, what was supposed to be a casual, friendly, light hearted beer, turned into a pretty intense exchange.
the most interesting topic of the evening was this: what are the top three things that you need from a partner? now i am not at liberty to share what the men said, but i think their answers were great. i can share with you mine; validation, intimacy and adventure.
validation
i can feel my sis cringing at the first one. she is always on me for expecting too much. however, it is part of who i am, i can curb it a little, but it is always there. i don't need a lot of validation, but i do want to know and feel that i am important to my partner. i figure for the right fella that isn't going to be a big deal. he will be more than happy to share that with me not because i need it but because he wants me to know that i'm his girl.
neither of the men found this to be crazy or over the top, in fact they said they already knew this about women, that most women have a need to be validated (the degree obviously varies) and that they in fact show their women. here in lies the problem, women need it, men know it, men give it just not in the form that we women easily recognize, then we women bitch and moan because we didn't recognize it. it's that whole men and women not speaking the same language piece.
neither of the men found this to be crazy or over the top, in fact they said they already knew this about women, that most women have a need to be validated (the degree obviously varies) and that they in fact show their women. here in lies the problem, women need it, men know it, men give it just not in the form that we women easily recognize, then we women bitch and moan because we didn't recognize it. it's that whole men and women not speaking the same language piece.
intimacy
when i said intimacy one of the fellas asked for elaboration "what does that mean to you?" i love all aspects of intimacy. i think it is uber important for partners to touch. sometimes i think we think of being intimate as a naked escapade, but for me there are many clothed acts that i consider intimate; holding hands, resting a hand on your partner's leg, mingling feet, hugging, kissing, making love, massages, sitting so close to each other that your legs touch from hip to knee, and although this isn't physical, eye contact can be very intimate. now all of these could be better naked, but even clothed it is important to me to touch my partner often and regularly.
as you can imagine neither of the men found this to be outrageous. really why would they? intimacy is something that wasn't prevalent in my marriage, but it is something that i've learned i need, i crave, and am determined to have and keep alive in future relationships. clearly, needing this from a partner is a win win for both of us.
one of the men said he wasn't surprised at all by this. this might be because i am always on the go. whether i have someone to share the experience with or not, i am still out there trying, living, experiencing all that life has to throw at me. in my opinion living shouldn't stop because you are now falling into a routine together, the routine should be dotted with the new and unexpected.
maybe my top three are lofty and unattainable? i don't think they are. i think when two people are on the same page the things that are important to them individually become important to them as a couple. i didn't think that the top three of the fellas were off the charts crazy, they actually made sense to me.
whether you are in a new relationship or one of many years, this is a good conversation to have. it is eye opening to see what is important to the person you have chosen to give yourself to. you may discover something new about your partner. you may discover new about yourself. as time goes on i think it would be good to have this conversation again, because i think as we mature individually and in a relationship our needs and desires change.
so what's your top three?
as you can imagine neither of the men found this to be outrageous. really why would they? intimacy is something that wasn't prevalent in my marriage, but it is something that i've learned i need, i crave, and am determined to have and keep alive in future relationships. clearly, needing this from a partner is a win win for both of us.
adventure
in my experience, it is really easy to get stuck in the mundane routine of life. i don't know about you, but i need some excitement to keep me motivated in the mundane. adventure doesn't have to translate to something big. for me there is adventure to be had everyday; taking a drive on a road you've never traveled, eating at a restaurant you've never tried, maybe eating at a restaurant you love but everyone has to eat something new, running a new path, watching a new show together, trying something new in the bedroom, going shopping and picking out an outfit for each other (not something you think they would pick out, but something you really like) and trying it on. i can think of tons of things that would mix up the everyday dullness and add some adventure to our life.
one of the men said he wasn't surprised at all by this. this might be because i am always on the go. whether i have someone to share the experience with or not, i am still out there trying, living, experiencing all that life has to throw at me. in my opinion living shouldn't stop because you are now falling into a routine together, the routine should be dotted with the new and unexpected.
maybe my top three are lofty and unattainable? i don't think they are. i think when two people are on the same page the things that are important to them individually become important to them as a couple. i didn't think that the top three of the fellas were off the charts crazy, they actually made sense to me.
whether you are in a new relationship or one of many years, this is a good conversation to have. it is eye opening to see what is important to the person you have chosen to give yourself to. you may discover something new about your partner. you may discover new about yourself. as time goes on i think it would be good to have this conversation again, because i think as we mature individually and in a relationship our needs and desires change.
so what's your top three?
5 comments:
I enjoy your musings and I hope it's not too strange that I comment almost every time. What can I say, it's good reading.
Anyway, in response to your question, I'd say my top three are pretty close in alignment.
As far as validation being a female thing, I think that's BS. Guys want it just as much. We want to be the best lover you've ever had, we want you to tell us how impressed you are with our manhood (no, I don't send pictures of mine, but my female friends get them constantly from dating sites)and we want you to express how you feel protected with us. I think that's completely normal and fits our biological roles.
Intimacy: you are right on with that...and some of the most special moments can be when the two of you are aligned in a social setting (the touch of a foot that says, "I'm all about you").
Adventure is staying power. If it's not with your partner, it will be with someone else.
Like I said, sounds like a good list to me.
T.R. i don't think it's strange and thank you.
about the validation...i should clarify a bit, it wasn't that they didn't need/want it, it just wasn't how i would need/want it. i need to know where i stand in my partner's life (lots of history as to why), the fellas didn't have that desire, more so what you are saying.
totally agree about what you say with adventure.
i read the other day...the grass is greener where you water it.
cheers
One of your best posts. FWIW, I'd totally sit next to you so that our legs touch from hip to knee. Gosh, when I read this I was really thinking I've been missing that.
hello anonymous...thank you. knee to hip that is my preference. :)
Came across this randomly. So here it goes.
Intimacy
Sitting together laughing. Knowing we are one. Believing we are together, yet knowing we are individuals. Longing to be together, but knowing alone time is healthy. Touching with out touching. Kissing without kissing. That brush against you that makes you long for nakedness, but not need it.
Validation
Doing the dishes. Mowing the lawn. Tucking the kids in. Folding the clothes. A simple thank you or good job. Knowing you did something to make someone happy without needing too.
Adventure
Doing something out of the norm. Bring life into the picture. Doing something to make each other smile. No waiting....doing. being
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