constant scrutiny...

i have great friends.  they provide endless support, laughter, annoyance, grief and of course love.  however i have a small problem with them when i am interested in someone.  i know that their questions come from protectiveness but lord almighty i think they have forgotten what it's like to date.  seeing as how i am the only gal who isn't married or in a long term relationship, my entanglements fall under constant scrutiny.

i struggle personally with wanting to know all the answers and letting things happen naturally.  it is a constant ebb and flow in my world.  for instance i want to know things like; where is this going?  is he seeing anyone else?  is he the one?  seriously my mind goes into a tailspin trying to decipher imaginary clues.

i can say honestly that with this new guy...i'm going to have to give him a nickname so i can refer to him easier...let's see, uh, i could call him D, this is the first initial of his first name?  or maybe lover?  no that is too crass even for me. let's go with D. 

back to what i was saying, i can honestly say that with D, i'm enjoying getting to know him.  it is going much slower than anything has in the past and there is a part of me that really likes that.  our schedules are completely opposite of each other and there ends up being about one day a week that we can connect.  i don't stress too much about where things are going...until, someone starts asking me questions.

the other day i was running with my training partner and she started asking questions.  it started with something like, "i don't want to be a downer, but do you think you are going to be able to deal with his work schedule long term?"  i replied honestly, "i don't know."

i have another friend who asks me questions about how things are going and usually my answer is, "well i don't see him often our schedules don't really mesh well."  this is usually met with some choice words about how i should be with someone who makes the time to see me and a repeated question, "how can your relationship grow if there isn't time to see each other?"  

then i start thinking.  always a problem.  is there some underlying meaning behind the fact that there isn't more time?  should i be expecting him to carve out a little more time for me?  am i satisfied with how things are?  ugh

under the constant scrutiny of well meaning friends it is easy to question the progress or lack there of, however at this point i am comfortable with how things are.  would i like to see him more?  yes.  who wouldn't want to see someone they are interested in as often as possible?

but here's the deal, put aside all the wrestling i do with myself, this is the type of man i'm attracted to.  when i look back at the fellas i've shown interest in they are all career focused individuals with very little spare time.  yes i am the architect of my own anxiety.

to my beautiful, caring, and amazing friends,

i love you.  thank you for always looking out for me.  please continue to scrutinize any potential love interest as you know that we as humans are naturally blind in our own worlds.  ask me the hard questions, make me think, challenge my sanity, but remember that i love the man with ambition and drive. 

yours forever,
flo