relationships

relationships.  relationships are hard on all levels.  whether it be an intimate relationship with a partner, the relationship with your children, the relationship with your boss, a relationship with God, a relationship with your best friend, relationships with your parents/siblings or a relationship with a one time close friend that has turned sour.  i find that it is hard to meet the needs and expectations of all these different types of relationships and still make sure that you are getting what you need and not compromising yourself too much for the health of the relationship.

these days i seem to be struggling with many of the relationships in my life.  i don't think there will ever be a time when it is "easy sailing" and everything will work just as i think it should.  relationships take work everyday to build trust and understanding.  when we stop working at our relationships and assume that the other person knows exactly where they fit in your life i think is where the breakdown comes. 

if you have been following this then you are well aware of J.  this is a relationship that i would like to pick back up again.  i have done my best to be supportive of his situation, i have faltered along the way by being doubtful, untrusting, and insecure.  unfortunately with past relationships i come with a bag that has many negative words embossed on all sides.  for all the times that i have failed, i have regrouped, reread the words he has shared and grabbed my other bag that is not embossed with negative.  if that "negative nora" in my head would stop secretly switching the bags and just keep her trap shut, i would be golden.  so i know that this sounds completely crazy, but i just can't shake him.  i have tried, but he has touched my life in a way that is not easy to forget.  i no longer sit in my bed sobbing, praying that he will come back, or praying that he will call/text, or look at pictures. instead i am at a point of acceptance.  i accept that he may never come back (although i would welcome him if he ever did) and i take the little interaction that we have and am grateful for just that.  

trying to mend a relationship that has gone sour is tricky.  at one time i considered this person one of my very best friends.  i couldn't imagine a day going by without an interaction of some sort.  when it ended, it was abrupt.  i felt it was unwarranted and i was given no warning.  i think to mend this relationship the expectations of both parties needs to be clear.  what are the rules of engagement?  im not sure if you can ever go back to that level when one party (and both may feel this way, but i can only speak for me) feels that they were treated unfairly.  although i am open to renewing the relationship i can't ever see it being what it used to be.

my relationships with my parents is always tricky.  in this chapter in my life, i have found a voice.  i am for the first time disagreeing with their opinions and making what i need a priority.  i understand that this is different for them and not a "behavior" i am used to showing them, but it is about time.  i am not a girl who likes confrontation, especially with my family.  i have this sense of responsibility to them to not make waves. it is just the four of us here in washington (my mom, dad and sis) but i have spent most of my adult life making sure that everyone is happy and i am needing to make sure that i am happy too.  i hope that when my children become adults i can remember that they are grown ups, they are going to make mistakes and although i have an opinion it may not be welcomed. 

i was asked the other day, "why haven't i seen you at church lately?"  i haven't been to church since October.  this is a tough question to answer because the answer isn't acceptable.  i could give you all sorts of excuses; i was out late the night before, my kids were being lazy, i was out of town, the list could truly go on and on, but the truthful answer is, i don't want to go.  i grew up attending church on sundays and i have introduced my children to the community of church, but i have never felt that you have to attend a place of worship to have a relationship with God. 

my ex, this is a very strange relationship one that i don't know how to navigate at all.  there is still so much emotion, it's been 18+ months since we separated, but it is still emotional.  i would like to get to a point where we can be friendly without resentment or anger.  i know that i can get to that point, but i know that i am not there yet.  everyday i seem to get closer but i am still a ways away from the finish line.

my poor friends, the ones that i share my life with, the ones who listen to me snivel and pout and say "why me?" when i already know the answers.  the ones that i laugh and cry and hate and love with.  although i know they love me unconditionally and are always there with open arms, a snot rag or two, a beer if i need one, a gentle but firm grip of the shoulders and shake me until im silly, i should nurture those relationships more.  they are turly my saving grace, i would be completely lost without them, and yet i feel like i don't show them enough how much i appreciate, love and cherish their time, support and love.  i cannot show them this with things, i have to do.

i actually started this last week and reading through it i sound like i am whining.  oh poor me...this was really not my intention.  gosh do i always sound so poor me?  geez i hope not.  i am not a victim of circumstance and i don't want anyone to fix things for me.  i will stand on my own two feet and work through whatever comes my way.  sometimes it seems like the pile of things to deal with is enormous and i guess that is where i am at right now.  i am grateful that i even have relationships to work on, to love and nurture and sometimes to let go.