jealousy injures us with the dagger of self doubt.....

i have a knot in my stomach, an ache in my heart, i can feel my chest constrict and i have to swallow the sobs that are trying to escape, blink back the tears that are brimming my lids, but alas a few have crested their banks and are making a slow steady journey down the contours of my face.

what spurred this on? jealousy...oooh i don't like you jealousy.  to try and ease my anxiety and understand this emotion i am looking at it deeper.  first stop wikipedia: an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, such as a relationship, friendship, or love.  jealousy often consists of a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness and disgust.  it is not to be confused with envy.  yep, i am feeling jealous.  i do not have the emotions of anger or disgust, but i do have sadness associated with my jealousy.

i can feel it sneaking up to my door, scratching ever so softly to pique my curiosity.  if i open the door to investigate it will consume me.  the crazy voice in my head is having a hay day, "open it. what are you afraid of?  you weren't enough."  the sane voice says, "believe in yourself, you are strong and worthy."  honestly i want to tell them both to, "HUSH!! leave me be."  just in case you think i am total crazy person who should be in a padded room, i don't really hear voices, but if i did i am sure this is what they would say.

my second stop is http://www.quotegarden.com/.  i love words and how different they sound strung together in interesting ways.  i am not a girl who has the imagination or eloquence to write beautiful, meaningful, artistic thoughts so i like to read what others say.  there is a lot written about jealousy, here are few of my favorites;

he that is not jealous is not in love. ~st. augustine

the jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves. ~william penn, some fruits of solitude 1693

jealousy injures us with the dagger of self doubt. ~terri guillemets

jealousy would be far less torturous if we understood that love is a passion entirely unrelated to our merits. ~paul eldridge

jealousy is always born with love, but does not always die with it. ~Francois Duc de La Rochefoucauld, maxims

and then lastly this: jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. ~jennifer james

this last one is hitting home for me today, there is more to what jennifer said, but the first part is what spoke to me.  i am thankful for the words that are shared with me because i do not believe that they are shared with everyone, but i am jealous, jealous of the interaction that those who have made the inner circle get. 

i am trapped in the stronghold of your talons.  i try to escape but your grip has pierced my skin. as you soar higher and farther away, a trail of scarlet drops marks my path home.  i can break free, but at what cost?  are we too high to survive the fall?  will i be able to drag my broken skeleton back to safety, security, peace?  will the harsh red open gashes in my flesh heal? or maybe those wounds will be infected with doubt and anger which will eventually harden to stone unable to be softened.  have we traveled too far?  will i lose my way, unable to find the path?  for now the risk is too high and i rest comfortably in the pain of your grip.

the dark cloud of jealousy has passed and revealed the bright blue calm of acceptance.