dating. dating as an adult. dating as an adult with kids. all of it is strange and something i never ever wanted to be a part of. i find myself in this strange place that i have no idea how to navigate. do i go north, south, east, west i just don't know. it seems safer to just be by myself, although i don't want to be.
i was asked the other day, are you dating yet? no. why not? the answer is easy and complicated. first and foremost i am not interested in introducing random "joe's" into my kids lives. i think it would be irresponsible of me and unfair to them if i always had a different flavor of the week. i would rather save myself the grief and save my children from all that chaos and confusion. my kids have seen me with their dad and J. J was the first "love interest" i was comfortable introducing to my kids and i think if the circumstances that led him to leave hadn't happened he would still be here. they still ask about him and i have no answers to give them. it is confusing not only for them but for me too. i do not like lying to my kids, so when they ask about J i say, "i just don't know, but we aren't going to judge." it's the best i've got.
second, i have no idea how to date. geez i was involved with my ex for 15 years. i know how to be completely immersed in someone's life. i don't expect that kind of relationship right from the get go, but i don't know what the expectations or "rules of engagement" are. it is very confusing. for instance, is a full face lick, yes lick chin to scalp, a new way of saying, "i'm into you we should date?" i seriously hope not because i just about pucked! i have tried the whole on-line thing. it stinks! you can't get a feel for who someone is over a computer. i would rather meet someone out and about in their environment, something a little more organic rather than technologic. the other thing about on-line stuff is that it moves really quick. which brings me to my third reason...
i just don't have time. this may seem completely stupid, but i'm serious. i have one night a week off, thursdays. sometimes i spend that night by myself and recharge, other times i meet up with friends at one of my favorite places DK and just shoot the breeze, catch up, laugh, be social. then i have every other weekend (a typical visitation schedule), but those fill up fast and not with dates. i remember being asked out once and he asked when i had time, " well let's see, how about brunch on a sunday 3 weeks from now." i mean come on who wants that? if i am going to date, i want to see them more than 4 times a month, and not to be disrespectful to you men, but i don't want to tie up all my free time (right now) with a guy. i suppose i could have more time, but i don't get babysitters so i can go on a date with some random dude. i guess i look at it as telling my kids, "i'm leaving you to meet a stranger, who may or may not become a part of your life too". i would rather they just don't know (see first reason).
the whole thing in reason number one came up recently. i met my kids for roller skating. earlier in the day my good friend, a guy friend, asked if i could do lunch, said i couldn't i was going skating with the kids wanna come, sure i will meet you there. ok sounds harmless. well i forgot that my kids had never met said friend, i only see him when they aren't around. when i got to the skate deck, he was already there and my kids were already skating. i hit the deck with my friend and my daughter from across the rink yells, "mom, are you here with a guy!?" oh my goodness, she is so embarassing sometimes. she comes closer and i introduce them and she seems ok with the answer. well later on that night, she is crying. it started with i want to stay up late and watch tv in my bed...ummm no and then the waterworks. we sit and chat and she eventually says, "i don't like seeing you with other guys."
sometimes i think it would be so much easier to just get back together with my ex. my kids wouldn't have so many questions, i wouldn't feel like i've hurt them beyond repair, i wouldn't have to date, but NO that is not a viable solution. i would still end up in the same place i am today, just later down the road. later down the road equals...i will be much older, with more baggage, my kids would still have questions and this time they would be "why did you stay so long if you were so unhappy?", my ex would still feel blindsided and blame me.
this is definitely not a good solution. so what is a girl to do? i guess just the same thing i have been doing. i take care of my kids, because they are my first priority. i create my own happiness and not rely on others to do it for me. i continue to meet new people when i am out and about and maybe just maybe the right person will come along.
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