clouds

first of all i am going to start with i am in the middle of my cycle and well i am a little more in touch with my emotions than when i am not.  things that normally don't seem to get to me do when my monthly visitor arrives, thankfully she doesn't overstay her visit. 

i have been on the brink of tears all day.  my eyes are red and puffy and bloodshot.  this is a really attractive look.  with my "i haven't gotten enough sleep or i took a hit on my lunch break eyes" i have this volcano growing on the bridge of my nose right between my eyes.  i say volcano because the pressure is building and it is getting ready to explode!  it is giving me this enormous headache because of the pressure.  i have attempted to "pop" it but it has another plan.  i hope it erupts soon, it is starting to affect my vision.  ok back to the emotions.

brink of tears...it started with clouds.  stupid clouds.  are you freaking kidding me?  i was driving in to work this morning and the clouds were awesome.  i have never seen clouds like them before and i was trying to take their picture, but i have issues with my "out-of-date" phone and there is no zoom or anything like that and well instead of causing an accident i just let it go.  catalogue those awesome clouds in  my brain.  well i got to work and had to share it with J.  this is something he would've noticed, they were that cool.  i wanted at that moment to hear how he would've described them.  he has such an incredible gift with words, i just knew it would've been cool.  well then i started thinking about J, and then the tears well up.  seriously, clouds!  that is all it took. 

this is where it started, clouds.  most of the day at work, if i strayed from my task the waterworks would start.  so annoying.  i am not a person who usually walks around crying all day.  so it is now time to leave and go get my kids from school.  as i am sitting in the long pick up line i start to cry again.  this time it has to do with my kiddos.

first you need a visual.  my car is parked, i am listening to Daughtry (their latest album that i got as a gift from my really good friend Ty and i saw them in concert, LOVE Daughtry), i have my sudoku book in hand (i have these everywhere car, at home, in my desk, i always do the one in the paper) and i am plugging the numbers in and start thinking about my kids.  next thing i know i am crying again.  not tears of joy, but the simple fact that i (with their father) changed their little lives forever, i can't take it back, i can't fix it and the ones who are hurt the most is them.  kill me now! 

the kids get in the car and my daughter says, "have you been crying?" i reply truthfully, "yes, do you see that mountain in between my eyes, i tried to pop it.  it hurt really bad and brought tears to my eyes."  she laughed at me and so did my son and i did too.  they didn't know that i was feeling guilty and sad and stupid.

well there you go, my stupid emotional day that started with clouds.  wonder how today will go?  sounds like it is raining outside which should mean nothing cool to see in the sky.  i might be safe for a while.