being a 34 divorced single mother i come with baggage. i would like to think that anyone in their 30's (divorced, never been married, married, kids no kids) comes with baggage, i don't want to be alone here. sometimes you get LOTS of baggage, you've paid an extra $50.00 to check 2 bags and you are bringing a carry on, other times you get a little baggage, maybe just the toiletries bag. i don't know too many people who fall in the toiletries bag category, but for those of you who do...bravo!
i have one bag. i might be able to carry it on, if i bat my eyelashes at the guy ticket checker, but more than likely i would have to check my bag. my bag at the moment is full, but check back next year i'm positive it will be just a carry on. i haven't had to unzip the expando part so i'm not doing too bad. my bag is leather (i like a nice carmel colored leather) and it is embossed. it is embossed with a couple token negative words....doubt and untrusting. they are small and infrequent but they are deep. the rest of the space on my bag is embossed with positive words....hopeful, love, happiness, deserving, strong, joy, safe and secure. the inside of my bag is lined with another set of words....lifetime, forever, husband, children, peace, and future. these words are hard to see, but i am making my way to them.
i have been told, "i think you are afraid to be alone." i don't really understand that. i am not afraid to be alone. first of all i could never be alone i have two ratchets under my feet all the time. in case you don't know ratchets, this is a word i use to describe my kids, used in the most loving way known to mankind. when i do have a moment of solitude it is blissful and welcomed. i am comfortable with me, i know my strengths and my weaknesses. i am aware of what i can give and how much i can put up with. i simply don't want to be alone. i do not see my future as just being me. i want to share my life with another human being. so why does that get interpreted into "i think you are afraid to be alone"? gosh i wish i knew.
i like the inside of my bag. there is a description of marriage by Rainer Maria Rilke that i love. the point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. a merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. but once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility to always see each other as a whole and before an immense sky. i just think this is so awesome.
my failed marriage has brought on the bulk of the weight in my bag and those two lovely words: doubt and untrusting. i put a ton of faith into a person who wasn't able to deliver. he is not a bad person, on the contrary he is a really good person, with good intentions and a good heart, but what i needed from him he wasn't able to do. i made his repeated failures ok for many years, which brings me to those two token words.
somehow this is bringing me to J. yes i know why, it is because this is a relationship (well it was a relationship, not sure what anyone would call it right now) that i am struggling with. i am doubting that he will be back although he has given me NO indication that he won't, except for the simple fact that he isn't. i don't always doubt, most of the time i am sure he will be, but it clearly isn't the time for us to pursue a relationship. sometimes the timing just isn't right, life happens and although you want badly for things to be different it doesn't change the reality that is.
oh crap there is that want thing, laura would be disappointed in me. i am really trying to let go of the want. wanting things that are beyond my control. instead create the life, the happiness and joy that i want instead of trying to get it from someone or something else. want...it is hard to not want.
i wonder what other people's bags look like and what they are filled with. i know i am not the only who has a bag. sometimes i wish that security would come along and just throw all of it away "sorry ma'am but you can't bring full sized bottles of crap.", but i know that isn't the solution. as hard as it is to sort through the contents it is proving to be worth it.
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