disappointment is ugly...

disappointment.  this is something i feel often.  i get disappointed with how i handle myself in many situations, but more often than not it has to do with miss p.  i don't know about you, but i find it really easy to excuse my own source of disappointment.  justify it somehow.  for instance with miss p, i will tell myself that i am the mom and that is the way it goes.  that because of her disrespectful behavior she suffered the consequences.  i don't seem to sit in my own disappointment for very long.

on the other hand, when someone else disappoints me i spend a fair amount of time nursing that feeling.  allowing and encouraging it to fester into a gaping wound that requires heavy duty staples in order for the disappointment to heal.  no surprise that during the time of infection i am spinning.

well tonight i am in the disappointed spinning place.  sigh.  it is 1:46 am, and i can't sleep.  i actually had a really good day and evening.  a series of vague text messages has put me in an uneasy, suspicious state.  i can't stand vague.  when a direct question is asked and a round about non answer is given a red flag rises.  ahem flo, something isn't quite right.  when asking more questions results in even less answers i am forced to come up with my own answers.  this is never good, i have every scenario (good and bad) manifesting in my brain.

for me being disappointed is far worse than being angry.  anger is a shot of emotion that dissipates almost as fast as it occurred.  disappointment caused by others lingers.  i wonder why couldn't that human just be honest and straightforward?  it spurns me to evaluate all previous encounters.  it makes me untrustworthy of that humans words.  the disappointment caused by others is an ugly thing for me.

there is some idiom that goes something like tomorrow is a fresh start.  i can't tell you the exact saying, but i want to say it is from polyanna or anne of green gables. it is too late (or early depending on how you look at it) to go track down the source and the correct phrasing.  anyway, seeing as how it is already "tomorrow" i am hoping to find some sleep and wake with a fresh perspective.