a calming affect....

 

me: i feel calmer when you are around.

him: why do you think that is?

me: idk...the presence of another adult is calming

 

i noticed on tuesday afternoon an uneasiness creeping in. almost as if a dark looming cloud was eclipsing the sunny residue from the weekend.  i was really analyzing why the calm was dissipating and the worry was edging in.  there was only one thing that had changed from monday to tuesday, him.  could his presence really have such a domineering affect on my inner peace?  i'm going to attempt to articulate what i mean because i think this is huge.  well huge for me, but maybe for someone else too. 

 

as i have shared, i have a male friend who i've introduced to my kids and who has been spending a fair amount of time with us.  i don't see him at all during the work week (completely opposite work schedules and distance make this complicated) but from early saturday morning until monday morning, when i leave for work, he is at my home.  during that short span my aura is more peaceful.  

 

i am used to doing everything by myself.  in my married life and in my single life i have run the show.  caring for the people i am close to brings me satisfaction.  i guess you could say this is how i show my love.  when i was a stay at home mom i had ample time to get everything done and not feel rushed.  however being a working single mom my time has been divided up so much i need five more of myself to be able to do one task to my standard.  feeling like i am not taking care of business leaves me feeling frenzied and rushed, the exact opposite of peaceful and calm.

 

although i don't ask him to do any of the daily household things (set the table, laundry, dishes, etc.) i feel like i could.  if i find myself in that moment when i only have two arms instead of eight i could say hey would you mind ____________?  and the extra set of hands would be there to assist.  i do ask my kids to help out with things, but it's not the same as asking an adult.  an adult just knows how to do something, asking the kids to help is a learning opportunity which requires instructions, patience and more instructions.  sometimes you just want something done.

 

i have always been an early riser and i'm still waking up at the crack of dawn, but instead of getting out of bed, grabbing my coffee and starting my day, i hit my snooze and curl into the warm body next to me. i don't usually go back to sleep, but allowing my body to soak up the comfort that only comes from the arms of another has reduced my "get up and go" hot wired start. after going so long without having a man in my bed, i have forgotten just how safe and secure i feel knowing i am not alone and want to relish in that moment as long as i can.

 

probably the biggest change is how i use my phone. i am not held captive by a four and half inch screen. in fact i hardly ever pick up my phone. it is quite freeing to not worry about the 15 words with friends games i have going, or the 12 song pop challenges staring me in the face.  i'm not having conversations with my virtual friends, instead i am talking with the real live human that is next to me.  as much as i love my virtual friends the interactions with living breathing flesh is so much more satisfying and fulfilling.

 

so i guess the answer to could his presence really have such a domineering affect on my inner peace? is yes.