a clever ruse...

have you ever met a person who tells you so many negative things about themselves that you simply don't believe them?  that the magnitude of what they are saying convinces you that it is a ruse?  that if you took two minutes, well maybe two hours, to ask some specific questions and maybe some not so specific questions you would form a different opinion about them?

i am guessing we have all met a person like this.  heck, i am this person.  i have a pretty hard time talking myself up.  i tend to tell you a whole lot of negatives and if you happen to still be sitting there when i'm done talking well i might give you something else.  for instance if you were to say tell me about yourself...my typical response goes something like this.  i am a po' divoced woman, with two kids, a complicated exhusband, and i live in a shit hole.  all of that says "sign me up" right?  not!

it isn't false, but i could word it different so that it doesn't sound so depressing.  maybe something along the lines of this i am single mom who lives within my means.  seems a little flat.  hmmm...okay take two.  i am a single mom, i'm employed, and have my own place to live.  really nobody needs to know how crazy my past life is. 

no too long ago i was introduced to someone who simply said i'm a piece of sh*&, you don't want to get to know me.  wow.  i can't say i have ever been that harsh about myself, but curious me wanted to know why this person would think this way about themselves.  my business owns me and when i'm not working i have my kids.  not sure i would qualify that as p.o.s., but we all have our own views of ourselves. 

turns out, after some specific and not so specific questions, this person is far from a p.o.s., just busy with life and realistic about time.  kind of admirable.  kind of sad.  from my brief encounter with this human i could tell that this person has a lot to share with others, but doesn't have the time to do so. 

i read something not too long ago that said don't talk bad about your husband to anyone.  it was an interesting thought so i read further.  it went on to say that the people in your life don't know your spouse the way you do, when we choose to vent our frustrations about them this is the picture our friends/family are left with.  instead of painting your spouse in the ugly choose to build him/her up, for this is who you love and this is who you should be sharing. 

i am thinking the same thing can be said for ourselves.  if we want our peers to see us as successful, happy, ready to conquer the world humans then that is how we should portray and speak of ourselves.  sure a funny quip every now and then is good, but it shouldn't be our go to. 

 

don't annoy the writer...

i love this.  i seem to write about the people in my life a lot.  i purposely don't use names of certain individuals because well, i don't always have nice things to say about them.  i hear quite often oh i don't mind if you use my name.  that happens when i share something flattering and positive about an individual.  i am guessing that same individual would be glad to see that i've never used their name when i share something negative and unflattering. 

 

i happen to be in an annoyed state. is what i have to say negative and unflattering? you betcha.  my beef started with a certain individual but can be generalized.

 

people with kids as opposed to people without kids.  there is no way for someone without kids to understand how much work goes into having kids.  you may be able to get a glimpse if you spend enough time under the same roof, but until you have your own kids there really is no way to explain or comprehend what having kids really entails.  add in the fact that i am single parent and the work load has tripled. 

 

a typical weekday, for me, starts at 6 am.  i spend the first hour of my day in peace and solitude enjoying my morning rendezvous with joe (my cup of coffee).  from 7-8:15, i am in full swing; showers, making breakfast, packing lunches, solving sibling quarrels, picking out clothes, dishes (can't stand coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes), planning dinner and racing out the door to drop off kids for school.  from 9-3:45 i am at work.  4-8pm is a whirlwind; pick up kids from bus, drop off our carpool kid, homework and dinner, get to sports practice or youth group, come home and get ready for bed.  most afternoons i don't have time to change my clothes let alone sit down.  i run my vacuum through my downstairs at least every other day, most of the time every day.  laundry is always going.  somehow i manage to fit in cleaning bathrooms, scrubbing floors, taking care of a feline, baking goodies, and spending quality time with my kids (reading, wrestling, playing a game, what have you).

 

by the time 8:30 rolls around and the kids have gone to bed i'm beat.  i have no more energy.  i am desperate to get out of my work clothes that i have been in since 8 that morning.  i am craving some peace and quiet.  i just want to veg or go to sleep.  most of the time i cozy into my bed with my latest book and get lost in a life that may or may not be as hectic as mine.  most nights i am sound asleep by 9:30 and ready to start my day again at 6 the next morning.

 

before i go any further, i love this.  i don't enjoy being idle, it gives me too much time to realize that i work myself to the core everyday.  i truly enjoy being an involved mom with my kids; making every practice, game or event, cooking their meals and watching them grow and flourish.  i complain a lot about the little stuff, but overall being a mom is the best job.  i also really enjoy all the domestic stuff i just wish i wasn't so cramped for time. 

 

here is where the annoyed part comes in.  when someone, who has spent a fair amount of time in my home, sees how hard i work and watches all that goes into making sure everyones needs are met whines i wish you would just be here with me really bothers me.  as if i have extra time.  i am the only one around to make sure this stuff gets done, i don't have time to lay in bed all day.  i wish i did, but i don't.  then when i try and explain why i don't have the time and they hush me because they are now too busy really fires me up. 

i think what people who don't have kids fail to realize is that once you have kids your life isn't about you anymore.  your life suddenly becomes day in and day out of modeling what being a responsible, productive, well rounded adult is.  you demonstrate good work ethic by going to work everyday.  you share your knowledge by introducing skills and trades into their lives.   you model compassion, empathy, anger, and joy by sharing your life and emotions with these sponges who soak every last bit in.  it is a never ending constant job.

 

like i said in the beginning, there is no way for a person without kids to understand what it really means to have kids, but i think it is possible to be a solution to the load instead of adding to it.  since i'm not a real writer, there is no novel to kill off the character who has annoyed me, but if i was i have some ideas...

perspective...

 

10/6/2009

it is another day.  i have been really, really depressed.  i hate who i am right now.  i yell at my kids, i cry all the time, i can't sleep, i'm absolutely exhausted.  i am so deep in the hole of despair i just don't see how to get out of it.  i wish something would present itself and help me moev forward.  help me find a happy place.  help me! i am so sick and tired of feeling this way.  i want to make up mind to get over it and move forward.  but how? i suppose i could start with what i am thankful for and happy about.  for some reason that is really hard to do.  i don't feel thankful or happy.

i was cleaning out my desk today at work.  not because it's time to vacate, just because i get into moods where i can't stand the clutter.  today is one of those days.  i came across this notepad.  scribbled inside filling all the pages was my handwriting.  i stopped the cleaning out process to read some of it. 

man, reading my own words is tough.  i instantly went back in time.  felt these strong emotions all over again.  it is interesting to have some perspective as to where is was and where i am at.  so much has changed in the last three years. 

 

i have this as my screen saver on my phone.  sometimes i need reminders.

taking the initiative...

an employer wants their employees to be creative, think outside the box.  parents want their kids to see something that needs to be done and do it without being asked.  lovers want their partner to initiate sex. 

so who in your relationship is the initiator?  how do you show your partner you are turned on?  do you get tired of being the one to get things going?

in a new relationship the signals seem to be harder to read.  i'm going to have to go way back so that i can explain this better.  back to my married days. 

me ex and i did not have the most active intimate life.  we slept on opposite sides of the bed and stayed on our respective sides.  there was no random snuggling, spooning or legs touching.  the signal was very subtle, a touch of the feet.  when his foot traversed across the expanse of cotton and found mine, i knew what he had in mind. 

i feel like i am a very loving, touchy person with my partner.  i love kisses.  passionate kissing, a plethora of little kisses when we are snuggling, a kiss hello, a stolen kiss when no one is looking.  i love kisses.  i often have my hands on my partner, i like skin.  running my fingers on his arm, his hands, his leg, whatever, i have this incessant need to touch my partner a lot.  i am a big snuggler in bed drape my leg across his, mold my body against his, an arm across his chest you name it i want to be close. 

i guess you could say that i like being close to my partner, but that doesn't necessarily mean i am always looking for some nooki.  (who came up with that term?  it always makes me giggle.)  the line seems to be blurred to me, how do i show him i am wanting more than the everyday snuggle? 

i'm not super comfortable being the initiator.  probably because i don't know how without feeling silly.  am i supposed to use my words hey babe, you wanna _______?  or maybe i'm supposed to stand in front of him stark naked with a thumbs up?  maybe a note with a check yes or no?  or maybe i'm supposed to walk up to him and drop his drawers?  or maybe i should slowly undress in a seductive way and make sure he is watching?  or maybe i should come up behind him and reach around to the front of his drawers?  or maybe i should make dinner in lingerie?

is there a right way?  seems like there are lots of different ways, but which is the way that your partner is going to recognize what your intentions are? 

for the record i love a man that takes charge and initiates, it makes me feel sexy and wanted.  and a random tidbit, i wish my rear looked like that gals.

we would have cute babies...

several months ago my sister and i were having brunch at one of our favorite brunch places.  a quaint french restaurant in the heart of seattle, la campagne.  i always eat the same thing, croque madam a glorified breakfast sandwich.  it is to die for.   if you are ever in seattle go look it up.  you won't be disappointed. 

anyway, we were talking about men and dating, you know the usual sister talk.  quick facts about my sister; she is 18 months younger than i am, is a work-a-holic, is beautiful, and is perpetually single.  she seems to be on the fence about kids with only one eyelash on the yes side.  chances are pretty slim that my sister will have her own children.  you can imagine my surprise when she said

we would have cute babies.... 

 

i can't remember who she was talking about, but i do remember looking up at her with a curious look on my face.  she chuckled and said, i always wonder what our kids would look like if this was the guy.  this surprises me, not because i don't see my sister as maternal, but i had no idea she thought about kids this way.

 

not sure why i was so shocked.  such a normal thing to do.  i do the same thing.  what?  as most of you know i am not really looking to have more kids, but if i were in a committed relationship and my partner was wanting a child i wouldn't be able to deny that.  or if i won the lottery and was somehow filthy rich, i would definitely have another baby.   anyway, just as my sister, i wonder about my imaginary baby. 

let's take the man i am currently entangled with.  he has beautiful skin, is taller than the men i usually date, has an athletic build, good teeth, really pretty hands, trashed feet (too much soccer), and inviting eyes.  i will take all of those features minus the feet our baby can inherit my feet they are pretty cute.  of course i would want some of my best features to be included.  bottom line we would have cute babies.

not only do i daydream about what our children would look like.  i imagine what kind of parents we would be together.  how differently would i parent if my partner were actually involved?  i know that i parent differently from when i was married as to now.  there aren't huge differences, but when my kids are in my home, i don't consider how my ex would've wanted things, it's exactly how i would run the show.

well, having another baby is not in my immediate future or my far off future at this point in life.  however it is fun to imagine.  for now if i am needing a baby fix, i head right over to bethy's and hold one of the babies there. 

low clearance...

 

i had a mishap this weekend.  i am in great pain and may have a slight concussion, but i remember my name, who my kids are, where i live and that i love pepperoni.  however my head hurts real bad.  there isn't anything i can take to relieve the pain, which i think is by design.  the pain is there as a reminder, "hey dumbass what were you thinking?"

sunday morning

 

all i want to do is stay snuggled up in my bed where it is nice and cozy and i can hear the slow breathing of him next to me.  instead i have to get up, quietly pad my way through a dark house and wake my kids.  we are leaving in 30 minutes for the game.  dress warm it's is really cold outside.  what do you want for breakfast?  three different breakfast requests later my crew has eaten (except for me), we are all dressed (in many layers except for the soccer star), i have an extra cup of coffee (to drink during the game) and the four of us are loaded and running late for a soccer game. 

 

if you know me well, you know that i loathe being late.  i especially dislike being late when i am driving to a new place.  thankfully my co-pilot knew where we were going.  however, in order to get to the game on time i had to channel my stellar mario kart skills to navigate sleepy drivers, speed traps and heavily rutted roads.  good news...we made it with time to spare. 

 

the soccer star went to go warm up and stretch while the kids and i donned our final layer of protection from the weather.  although the leaves are still changing color and clinging to the trees, the weather has skipped the cool fall days and jumped right into frigid winter days.  the kids and i hoofed our chairs, blankets, and coffees up to the field to set up camp.  miss p and i nestled into our chairs and ash decided that up in the limbs of a fir tree provided better warmth and cover from the wind.

 

at half time i decided to run back to the car and look for the hand warmers i was positive were there.  my attire becomes crucial to the next part of this story.  i did not shower before coming to the game, i threw on a hat with a bill to hide my atrocious bed hair.  i have never been one of those ladies who can wake and look like a million bucks, the name of the game is camouflage and disguise. 

 

i decided to run back from the car to the field and take a short cut.  the short cut required that i run under some tree limbs.  you might be able to guess where this is going, but you should be thinking cartoons right about now.  so i am running, see the limb, duck, but apparently i didn't duck far enough.  i slammed my forehead, right above the bill of the hat, into the lowest tree branch.  now in cartoons the idiot who runs into tree limbs has a very dramatic collision with the ground; back flat on the ground, feet in the air and arms splayed above their head.  fortunately this did NOT happen to me. 

 

i crashed, readjusted how low i needed to duck and kept going.  this is not to say that it didn't hurt like crazy.  because let me tell you i saw stars for a moment.  i kept going without reacting because i didn't want anyone to notice that i am giant idiot.  i made it back to my chair, settled in, fired up the hand warmers and watched the rest of the game without incident.

 

fast forward 24 hours

 

i woke up this morning, got in the shower and OUCH!  just touching my forehead is tender.  washing my hair was an even more painful endeavor.  applying moisturizer without pressure now that is a new skill i didn't know i had.  i cannot seem to shake the overwhelming throbbing pain pulsing in my noggin.  thankfully i am not bruised at least not visibly bruised in my face.

 

moral of the story

 

this is important seeing as how i am just learning it and i am thinking i should've learned this when i was under the tutelage of my mom when wearing a billed hat, you're vision is compromised and you should take extra precaution when running under things. 

casseroles, blech...

Comfort food is food prepared traditionally, that may have a nostalgic or sentimental appeal, or simply provide an easy-to-eat, easy-to-digest meal rich in calories, nutrients, or both. Comfort foods may be foods that have a nostalgic element either to an individual or a specific culture.  Many comfort foods are flavorful and easily eaten, having soft consistencies.

Comfort foods may be consumed to positively pique emotions, to relieve negative psychological effects or to increase positive feelings.  The term was first used, according to Webster's Dictionary, in 1977.

compliments of wikipedia.

 

 

we are definitely in that time of year where we eat heavier foods, (i call this putting on my protective layer), adorn ourselves in cozier thicker fabrics (wool, cashmere, and fleece), light spice scented candles to create a more intimate ambiance, and basically start hunkering down for the long, cold winter nights.  i love it all.

 

with two kids in soccer, homework, chores, work, and trying to not feel like i'm losing my mind, how does one find time to prepare all those delicious comfort foods?  magic?  no.  just careful planning.  sometimes i am really, really good at this, but other times i fail miserably and we end up eating cereal.  it's kind of disgraceful that someone who enjoys cooking and eating as much as i do can't throw together a quick meal without having a plan.  this is why i need to attend culinary school.  i simply do not know the science behind cooking.

 

back to comfort food....

 



i am not a huge fan of casseroles.  i remember my mom making this casserole she called chicken cashew casserole.  i loved how it smelled when she sauteed the onions and celery, but i have always greatly disliked cooked celery.  two cans of cream of something soup (one of them is mushroom, i despise mushrooms), chicken, cashews, the cooked celery and you top it off with crunchy chinese noodle things.  what you end up with is this goopy, thick concoction with a crunchy top, chewy chicken, mushy vegetables and semi crunchy cashew bits.  blech.

 

i am also not a huge fan of crock pot meals.  you know the kind of meal where you throw everything in meat, veggies, sauce, dessert, and bread and voila dinner is served eight hours later.  okay you can't really put the dessert and bread in, but the one pot meal isn't all that appealing to me.  i like using my crockpot for one of the items but not usually the whole kit-n-kaboodle. 

 

maybe you are thinking if you don't like casseroles, crock pot food, or one pot meals what in the heck is comfort food to you?  i'm so glad you asked because i have loads of comfort foods; lasagna, beef roast, stuffed green peppers, angel chicken, and soups.  i'm sure there are more but those few come to mind the quickest. 

 

i thought i would share the recipe for angel chicken.  i am sure it has other names, but this is what i call it.  i got the recipe from my really good friend bethy.  i do make this is in the crockpot, but i think it could easily be adapted to the stove top for a quick night meal.  i serve it over rice or noodles, just depends on what i have on hand.

 

angel chicken

 

chicken breast or tenderloins, however many you can eat

1 packet italian dressing mix

1 block cream cheese, i use the fat free kind

1 can chicken broth, i use the reduced fat kind

1 can of cream of chicken soup, i use something else that i will post at the end

 

step 1: put chicken in your crock pot.

step 2: melt cream cheese a little so you can mix it with the other ingredients

step 3: mix dressing, cream cheese, soup and chicken broth together

step 4: dump sauce over chicken

step 5: turn it on low for the day, or high for about 5 hours

step 6: at some point you have to make the rice or noodles

step 7: dump the chicken and sauce over rice or noodles

step 8: pack your face

 

so as promised, here is what i use instead of a can of cream of chicken soup.  it is much cheaper, i am guessing it is healthier for you and i think it tastes the same.  what's not to love?  i got this recipe from a cooking blog 1orangegiraffe.blogspot.com.  just like the developer of this cream of anything recipe, i make up a whole batch and store it in a leftover rice container, with the recipe and directions on how to use it on the outside.  pretty clever if you ask me.

 



Cream of "something" soup recipe

1 cup non-fat dried milk

3/4 cup cornstarch

1/4 cup bouillon (if you have cubes you have to smash them up)
You can use whatever kind you like (ie, beef, veggie)

4 Tablespoons freeze dried minced onions (I used the minced onions from Sam's Club)

1 teaspoon dried basil

1 teaspoon dried thyme (I couldn't find the thyme so I used dried parsley instead)

1 teaspoon pepper

(For the equivalent of one can of condensed cream soup, mix 1/3 cup dry mix with 1 1/4 cup water. Cook until thick)



disappointment is ugly...

disappointment.  this is something i feel often.  i get disappointed with how i handle myself in many situations, but more often than not it has to do with miss p.  i don't know about you, but i find it really easy to excuse my own source of disappointment.  justify it somehow.  for instance with miss p, i will tell myself that i am the mom and that is the way it goes.  that because of her disrespectful behavior she suffered the consequences.  i don't seem to sit in my own disappointment for very long.

on the other hand, when someone else disappoints me i spend a fair amount of time nursing that feeling.  allowing and encouraging it to fester into a gaping wound that requires heavy duty staples in order for the disappointment to heal.  no surprise that during the time of infection i am spinning.

well tonight i am in the disappointed spinning place.  sigh.  it is 1:46 am, and i can't sleep.  i actually had a really good day and evening.  a series of vague text messages has put me in an uneasy, suspicious state.  i can't stand vague.  when a direct question is asked and a round about non answer is given a red flag rises.  ahem flo, something isn't quite right.  when asking more questions results in even less answers i am forced to come up with my own answers.  this is never good, i have every scenario (good and bad) manifesting in my brain.

for me being disappointed is far worse than being angry.  anger is a shot of emotion that dissipates almost as fast as it occurred.  disappointment caused by others lingers.  i wonder why couldn't that human just be honest and straightforward?  it spurns me to evaluate all previous encounters.  it makes me untrustworthy of that humans words.  the disappointment caused by others is an ugly thing for me.

there is some idiom that goes something like tomorrow is a fresh start.  i can't tell you the exact saying, but i want to say it is from polyanna or anne of green gables. it is too late (or early depending on how you look at it) to go track down the source and the correct phrasing.  anyway, seeing as how it is already "tomorrow" i am hoping to find some sleep and wake with a fresh perspective. 

a calming affect....

 

me: i feel calmer when you are around.

him: why do you think that is?

me: idk...the presence of another adult is calming

 

i noticed on tuesday afternoon an uneasiness creeping in. almost as if a dark looming cloud was eclipsing the sunny residue from the weekend.  i was really analyzing why the calm was dissipating and the worry was edging in.  there was only one thing that had changed from monday to tuesday, him.  could his presence really have such a domineering affect on my inner peace?  i'm going to attempt to articulate what i mean because i think this is huge.  well huge for me, but maybe for someone else too. 

 

as i have shared, i have a male friend who i've introduced to my kids and who has been spending a fair amount of time with us.  i don't see him at all during the work week (completely opposite work schedules and distance make this complicated) but from early saturday morning until monday morning, when i leave for work, he is at my home.  during that short span my aura is more peaceful.  

 

i am used to doing everything by myself.  in my married life and in my single life i have run the show.  caring for the people i am close to brings me satisfaction.  i guess you could say this is how i show my love.  when i was a stay at home mom i had ample time to get everything done and not feel rushed.  however being a working single mom my time has been divided up so much i need five more of myself to be able to do one task to my standard.  feeling like i am not taking care of business leaves me feeling frenzied and rushed, the exact opposite of peaceful and calm.

 

although i don't ask him to do any of the daily household things (set the table, laundry, dishes, etc.) i feel like i could.  if i find myself in that moment when i only have two arms instead of eight i could say hey would you mind ____________?  and the extra set of hands would be there to assist.  i do ask my kids to help out with things, but it's not the same as asking an adult.  an adult just knows how to do something, asking the kids to help is a learning opportunity which requires instructions, patience and more instructions.  sometimes you just want something done.

 

i have always been an early riser and i'm still waking up at the crack of dawn, but instead of getting out of bed, grabbing my coffee and starting my day, i hit my snooze and curl into the warm body next to me. i don't usually go back to sleep, but allowing my body to soak up the comfort that only comes from the arms of another has reduced my "get up and go" hot wired start. after going so long without having a man in my bed, i have forgotten just how safe and secure i feel knowing i am not alone and want to relish in that moment as long as i can.

 

probably the biggest change is how i use my phone. i am not held captive by a four and half inch screen. in fact i hardly ever pick up my phone. it is quite freeing to not worry about the 15 words with friends games i have going, or the 12 song pop challenges staring me in the face.  i'm not having conversations with my virtual friends, instead i am talking with the real live human that is next to me.  as much as i love my virtual friends the interactions with living breathing flesh is so much more satisfying and fulfilling.

 

so i guess the answer to could his presence really have such a domineering affect on my inner peace? is yes.  

 

 

bullseye...

 

on sunday night i was out with my friend watching football and warming up to play a round of darts, or two.  i was feeling pretty good about my dart skills.  during warm up i was the hitting the bullseye left and right.  some friends arrived, the trashy bar food we ordered was masking the smell of stale beer, and the cups were full.  there was an easy, carefree attitude in the air.  a perfect way to end a pleasant weekend.  then i received a text that shattered my carefree mood.

have you ever received a message that stops you in your tracks?   there is that moment where you think this must be a joke.  then you read it again and think oh my word this is real!  well i had one of those moments. 

the text required that i quickly make it home, leave my friends, and prepare for operation cuddle.  it is unnerving to walk through a door and not know what you are going to find. 

peyton? ashton?

 

no response.  immediately i thought the text was a joke and i was irritated that i had fell for it.  i climbed the steps, entered the kids room and found them curled up together reading.  for once there was no arguing between them, they were relying on each other for comfort and support.  i sat on the edge of the bed and operation cuddle commenced. 

 

there are moments in life when i know exactly why i am here on this earth.  my role as mom is the hardest most fulfilling experience i have ever had.  most of the time i go through my day like it's no big deal, but then there are those days that i can feel the difference i am making in my kid's lives.  for all the grumbling and sassy back talk they dish out, i know that they count on me to take the wheel and guide them through life.  lucky for them, i will rise to the challenge over and over again to take that burden from them.

 

the news and our judicial system is riddled with story after story of parents who forget where their priority should lay; kids dying, kids being neglected, and parents paying the price. i could've been that parent the other night. i could've received the text and said ah they will be fine. let me kick your ass in a round or two. 

 

i think sometimes it is hard, as a parent, to put your own selfish needs and wants aside in order to be the best parent you can for your kids.  becoming a parent didn't mean that i stopped wanting, desiring or dreaming.  on the contrary, being restricted by obligations has made me desire more, want more for myself and live in a dreamland to escape the reality of motherhood.  at some point my time will come, but for now it's about my kids.  i'm okay with that.

 

p.s.  the graphic above isn't one of my throws, but i have hit the bullseye three consecutive times and have a picture to prove it.  my picture just isn't as beautiful as that shot. 



eat a slug...

 

would you rather eat a slug or a...

 

have you ever played this game?  you give the person two completely ridiculous options and they have to choose which one they would rather do.  my kiddos find great pleasure in this game.  most of the time i don't want to choose either, but that goes against the rules you are required to pick one.

 

recently i decided to introduce my "friend" to my kids.  i will say this is the soonest i have ever introduced a new male person into their lives.  this is new territory for all of us.  i was uneasy at first about how he would react to my kids and how my kids would react to him.  so far it has gone well.   i consider going well no major meltdowns from the ratchets or any unexpected this is too much and quick departure from the friend. 

 

this is not to say that there hasn't been some posturing from the miss p.  she is the hardest to please out of the two.  she has definitely copped an attitude more than once, been ultra sassy to see how far she can push me in front of my guest, and been utterly ridiculous in her behavior.  although she is the toughest to please she is also the easiest to get cozy.  she will choose to sidle up next to him on the couch to do her homework. 

 

ash on the other hand takes a completely different approach than his sis.  first of all i think he is glad to have some testosterone in the home.  most of the time he is outnumbered and dominated by estrogen.  ash is big on our guest getting priority; dish up first, the last of the orange juice, best seat,  what have you it's all about our guest.  the nervous side of him asks 100 million questions in succession, a lot of the times it is the same question repeatedly.  that is enough to drive anyone crazy.

 

the other night we were driving; the kids in their respective seats, me captaining our ship and my co-pilot.  i don't have a co-pilot very often, but i like it.  ash was spearheading the what would you choose game when miss p chimed in with her slug option.  before she could give the other option he quickly answered...

 

uh no! i would eat anything else besides a slug.

 

there was lots of giggles coming from everyone.  ash was giggling in his prepubescent nine year old boy giggle.  miss p was giggling in her "i've got something else coming" giggle.  i was giggling enjoying the interaction between my ratchets and their shiny new toy.  he was giggling in a good sport "who comes up with this stuff?" giggle.

 

...or a turd?

 

belly laughs all around.  only kids can get away with asking ridiculous questions such as these. 

 

i am pleased with how things are going.  i am sure there will be some hiccups along the way from all parties, but for now we are giggling, a lot. 

crude and vulgar...

as most of you know i have been on dating sites, social networking sites, and a variety of other forums.  i can't say that i am always looking to meet anyone, but it never hurts to expand your circle, right?  unless it involves this trend i have noticed in the male gender that i find disturbing.  i am positive that there are women who do this same thing, but i don't experience that side.

what is it about being for the most part anonymous that gives men (and i'm sure women alike) this pass to say or suggest crude and vulgar things to strangers?  i honestly don't get it.  is it because they don't have to face the slap that would follow saying such a thing in person?  is it because this human wouldn't normally talk this way and feels they have a more open voice through written text?  or maybe this human is just looking for a quick lay and is skipping the niceties.  if it is number three, there are illegal services all over the place for this, those ladies are expecting this kind of talk. 

call me old fashion but when use the word referencing a female cat in your opening dialogue to a woman you have just crossed a line.  i tend to reply with why would you ask a complete stranger that?   i guess i feel if you are going to ask a completely inappropriate question you should be able to explain it.  i have yet to receive an intelligent answer, i suppose i should consider the source.  if this human does answer, most of the time it is i was just flirting, sorry to bother you.  are you kidding me?  when did flirting turn into an overtly sexual proposition?

before i go any farther i would like to say that i am very playful with my partner.  key word..my partner.  the person that you are supposed to be intimate and playful with.  i should mention that i am not usually that crude in my speech.  i tend to word things more romantically, as if i am reading a novel.  i have never been good with vulgar dirty talk it just feels funny on my tongue.

so here is what i think, this type of sexual dialogue is best left for someone who knows you. someone who is familiar with your personality, your humor or lack of it, the sound of your voice, and basic agenda.  when you speak this way to a stranger, a person with no prior history or context, it just comes across as creeper.  sex offender immediately pops into my brain and a giant flashing sign radiating beware is watermarked over the message.

i think it is disturbing that there seems to be no boundaries anymore.  the lines are all blurred.  i understand that the old fashioned way of courting someone is long gone, but i'm definitely not a fan of this modern version of courting.  i would rather go to chuck e. cheeses, deal with millions of unruly ratchets and eat overpriced crappy pizza weekly then have to be in the same space with these subpar humans.

wrong side of the bed...

 

i have said this many, many times...i am a routine person.  routines are predictable.  predictability means there are no surprises.  no surprises means that my pretty uneventful life runs smoothly.  running smoothly means that i am a happy camper and my mood stays somewhat even keel.  this is good news for anyone who happens to interact with me.  now of course one week a month it doesn't matter how predictable things are i am a hormonal mess, but three out of four weeks is pretty good.

 

the kids, myself and my fella friend were going to the store to get ice cream, a movie and whatever else we could find.  i was driving.  my ratchets chimed in from the backseat mom always parks in the same place.  they are right, regardless of the plethora of open parking spaces close to the entrance i almost always park my car in the same section of the parking lot.  i really don't think this is so weird, but looking at the quizzical look on my fella friend's face, i could be wrong.  after the look went away he said you are a routine person. 

 

i have a couple of reasons for parking where i do.  first, i always know where my car is.  i don't have to try and remember where i parked.  it is kind of like always putting your keys in the same place when you get home.  they are always where they should be.  how many times have you put something in a different place and then panic because you can't find it?  i don't like that feeling, so i put things in their home.  second, they (whoever they is) says americans don't move enough.  so i park far enough away that i have to traverse the parking lot to get to the door.  now i realize this increases my chances for a collision with a driver not paying attention, but my recovery should be faster because i am in better shape. 

 

on a side note...i am missing the fella mentioned above.  we spent a good majority of the weekend together.  i have mentioned this before, but i think it is so strange how easily i can get used to someones presence and how much i miss it when it's gone.  i should clarify that this doesn't happen with just anyone, but there is an ease that comes with this fella.

 

anyway, i passed out last night in the middle of a text conversation and while reading.  i always sleep on the left side of my queen size bed.  the right side is usually vacant, although it was occupied over the weekend.  i woke this morning on the right side of my bed, occupying the space where he had been, my book was open but not to the page i had left off on, and my reading light was still on.  i must've moved over sometime during the night to just be closer. 

 

i must say it was a little disorienting to wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  thankfully the cliche didn't ring true today.

just friends...

 

as they laid in bed legs entwined, feet touching, bodies pressed together, his arm draped across her torso she asked, "is this what friends looks like?" 

 

is there anything more devastating than hearing i think we should be just friends? well maybe i should back up a few steps. let's say you met someone that unexpectedly knocked your socks off, so you jumped into this whirlwind romance and then heard i think we should be just friends? does that change anything for you?

 

as you know i have been spending time with a certain fella, then came the sucker punch and two weeks later we are still...i don't know, friends?  we still talk (but not as much as before), we still see each other (even less than the limited time before), we still enjoy being around each other, but the romantic piece that was before has been shelved.   logically shelving the romantic piece is wise, but keeping that lock box with my passion secured is easier said than done.

 

how does one flip the switch from romantically involved to platonic friends?  can it even be done? 

 

i really don't think it can.  i think the best you, or me specifically, can do is turn off your head and just feel.  be in the moment, without trying to anticipate what will happen tomorrow.  for all i know i could get hit by a bus tomorrow and would've missed out on sharing a moment when i had the chance.  i don't want to miss out.  i want to enjoy every moment as they come. 

 

truth be told, i liked how things were before the sucker punch.  in a perfect world i would have unlimited time to nourish a romantic relationship, unlimited time to devote to my children, friends and family, unlimited time to see my passions and dreams come to fruition.  unfortunately that is only in my dreamland.  in the real world there isn't enough time for any one thing and i spread my time thinly across the board making the best of what i have. 

 

so maybe at this stage just friends is right where i need to be?  i still can't wrap my head around it completely, but i'm getting there.  when i am in the same physical space i want more than what i am getting, but truly enjoy every moment of his company.  when we are apart my head is focused on the task at hand (getting lunches ready, solving sibling rivalry, laundry, scrubbing the toilet and world peace).  when it is just me, in the shroud of darkness, i am wishing that his warm body was next to mine.



locked out...

i have nothing important, revealing, poignant, funny or ridiculous to say.  what is happening to me? 

this week i forgot my pin number.  i have had the same debit card for three years, with the same pin number the whole time.  i did not pick out the number, it was issued to me.  so the digits hold no significant value to me outside of the fact that is how i access my millions.  oh wait, my pennies. 

i was at fred meyer trying to buy a baguette to go with dinner.  i swiped my card, lifted my hand to type in the pin number and stalled.  frozen in midair.  my mind went completely and utterly blank.  i stared at the keypad unsure of what to press.  after several tries, i had successfully locked myself out of my own bank account.

i don't carry cash very often.  i spend it too fast.  as if it might disappear if i don't purchase something i can hold onto forever or consume it.  i haven't ever had my dollars go up in flames, but i find it hard to hold onto cash almost like it were on fire.

i had told my brain lapse moment to my friend bethy who instantly said i'm worried about you.  what's my middle name?  i sat there with a puzzled look on my face trying to think of her middle name.  now in all fairness i don't use it that often, not like my debit card that i use daily, so this wasn't the fairest question.  she looked at me with an exasperated concerned look and we said it at the same time ann! 

there were two things i knew for sure about my number

 

1.  my four digit secret number contained only two digits

2.  none of the digits were in the middle row

 

i went to the bank the next day and explained my situation and pleaded for help.  after much run around and a phone call later, they agreed to unlock my account and give me three more shots before issuing me a new card and pin number.

 

so back to fred meyer i went.  this time i only attempted to purchase a pack of gum.  i had that much change to cover the transaction just in case i locked myself out again.  i picked a checker with a friendly face.  you don't want to try these shenanigans with someone who doesn't have a sense of humor.  i explained my situation and she seemed ready and hopeful that i would miraculously remember.

 

attempt 1...wrong

crap

 

attempt 2...wrong

really?  i thought for sure that was it

 

attempt 3...success

two arms raised and a woo-hoo

 

the checker quickly handed me a pen  you should write it down before you forget again.  i followed her advice and wrote that super secret, completely irrelevant number sequence down.  now i just need to hide that number somewhere so nobody can find it.  hopefully i don't forget where i stashed the number. (wink)