molasses to heavy cream...

the relationship with my ex is slowly mending.  you hear that expression slower than molasses well i wish there was an expression for something even slower because that is how quickly our progress is, excruciatingly slow.  for a long time i believed that it was all him, he was making this difficult, but i have discovered that i too am making this difficult.  shocker!

we recently sat down to hash things out.  talk about uncomfortable.  i cried a good portion of the time.  ugh!  i despise that i am a crier.  it doesn't matter how hard i try to hold it in the tears come without permission.  those darn tears mock me and make me look weak.  ooh i don't like you tears.  anyway, it was uncomfortable but i think progress was made.

for the past two plus years we have been at a standstill.  there is so much emotion that swirls around with divorce; anger, disappointment, failure, sadness, and a whole host of others.  pick one, i'm sure i have felt it.  moving past all of that has proven to be difficult for me.  why do i hold onto it?  i am not really sure, other than it is familiar.  i am used to the uncomfortably tense relationship we now have.

for some reason a good majority of humans do this, stay in the uncomfortable because it is familiar. how many people do you know that are in a job they don't particularly like but they stay because it is familiar?  do you know someone who is in a marriage and will stay in that marriage because it is familiar not because they are still in love with their spouse?  it takes a lot of courage and faith to be vulnerable and open to change.  to choose a different path not knowing what the terrain will look like. 

this is a situation that i don't want to stay cemented in, the uncomfortable.  i truly want to get to a point where our interactions aren't tense, they aren't uncomfortable, i can perform them without the tears.  i am not one hundred percent sure on how to do this.  honestly i am not even twenty five percent sure how to do this.  but i am certainly going to try, not just for my sake but for my kids.

first and foremost we simply have to talk more.  with our voices.  forget email and texting some situations are just better handled with our voices.  moving from molasses to heavy cream requires the human voice.  i am not sure about you, but when i am faced with a difficult conversation it is easier for me to write it down.  i think i explain myself better this way.  the problem with a written word is it's open to interpretation.  you as the reader gets to choose the intonation, you may inadvertently add words or drop words.  it reminds me of having a black cup of coffee and getting to add your own flavor to it.  no two cups of coffee will be the same, just as no two readers will have the same interpretation of the same text.  so as hard as it is for me to share vocally i have to put on my big girl panties and just do it. 

practice makes perfect, right?

second it is just going to take time.  we didn't communicate well during our marriage, to think that we are magically going to figure it out now that we aren't married is just crazy.  time can be your best friend and it can also be your worst enemy.  in this case it has been both.  i think that we waited too long to start the healing process.  i can only speak for me, but i have a K2 size wall glued together with distrust erected around me.  this naturally means it is going to take time to regain trust. 

eventually we will get to heavy cream.