i am going to rant and rave here a bit. so if you aren't in the mood for negativity stop now. this isn't going to be pretty and i may hurt some feelings, but my feelings have been hurt too.
have you ever had one of those days, maybe it is a week, where your past seems to have gotten a memo that says, "you should shit on heather. you should blame her and yell at her to clear your conscious." ? if you haven't, be thankful, because i am here to tell you that it sucks dog. i am having that week. the good news, supposedly things come in threes and i have had three different people at three different times blame me and yell at me. so i've had my fill, i've taken my punch in the gut and i'm ready to move on.
#1.
i am tired of being the scapegoat and the reason behind all your problems. i fully understand that i am going to be the one you blame, but is that forever? will there ever be a time when you admit that you played a roll. that you have just as much, if not more, ownership in our failure? i accept and own that i contributed to our failure, no one is perfect, there are always two people involved in a partnership, but really?? i did not make your choices, i did not disengage, i did not find an alternative way to cope. yes, i made it easy for you to make poor choices, but ultimately you made those choices.
so, yeah, i will probably always be your scapegoat, i will always be the one you blame. i suppose my job is to figure out how to deal with it so it doesn't interfere with my life now, so you stop bringing me down. i will be honest, i haven't figured that out yet. it still affects me. i still take it personally. i still try to make it easier for you. i still make concessions. i feel weak.
#2.
i am not sure how telling me, "it took you to help me figure out i needed counseling so i could be the real me" is supposed to make me feel good? it doesn't. it makes me feel foolish and used. well super, i am glad that i could invest my time into the fake you, so you could be the real you for someone else. are you kidding me? i had never intended to be the "learning girlfriend", a stepping stone to the right thing. maybe if i thought that was my role i would've gone about things differently? like said no thank you.
#3.
i'm sorry. i am sorry that my shitty week made me unavailable to support you. i realize that my issues aren't as heavy as yours, but they are still mine and they still impacted me. i have always been there even when you didn't want it. i needed that same support without being trumped, without feeling stupid, without the guilt. maybe it is selfish to have asked that you put your needs aside this one time, but i don't think so. maybe i should have sucked it up and just been the supportive friend i always am to you, but i couldn't. maybe you will forgive me maybe you won't. i really just don't know. in any case, i am sorry.
so crap on heather week is officially over. if anyone else has a gripe, complaint, or issue you will have to wait until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment