i am feeling the need to write about something that hits very close to home. i have been putting it off because it is very hard for me to express my thoughts and feelings without exposing the story. i do feel an obligation to protect ones privacy, especially if i haven't received permission to share. so i apologize in advance because this may come across as very vague. i also feel that this might be hard to read, it may make some uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable, but i think it is important for me to put this out there.
i have a new confidant. i have known this human for the last year, yet we haven't ever had a real conversation. our paths are crossing in a way that has allowed us to share our stories with each other. you hear that expression ...until you have walked in the other person's shoes... which is virtually impossible to do, because we all makes choices and have life experiences that may be similar but aren't exactly the same. however, this individual may be the closest i will ever get to walking in someone elses shoes.
this human understands the burden that i chose to bear knowing logically and consciously that it wasn't my burden to shoulder. this human understands the internal dialogue one has to justify their actions. this human understands the sacrifices one makes to keep everyone safe. this human understands.
it is really hard to watch someone you care about struggle with personal demons. if you don't have anyone in your life that struggles with demons count your lucky stars. i still care, but have had to distance myself to preserve my sanity. trying to help someone with their demons is very taxing. it might not be for someone who is educated, licensed and equipped, but i am none of those things. i do not set forth clear boundaries, i am an enabler, i make things okay. realizing that you, yourself, is part of the problem is like taking a kick to the groin.
when i started sharing my story with my new confidant i have to admit that i was jealous. jealous, that their story ends. there is no second, third, twentieth, or one hundredth chapter to live through, to deal with, to overcome. that story is completely written and the book is closed. i am sure that the book will be revisited and maybe even a specific chapter more often than the others, but this confidant gets to choose if they want to revisit. i do not have that luxury.
the jealous feeling was short lived. when we share i see a human is deeply sad. a human who performs their daily life for the benefit of others and to maintain a sense of normalcy. a human who looks at their life and says, "what happened?" i recognize, understand and have felt all the sadness, the questions and the obligations to continue. however, i get the benefit, if you want to call it that, of continued build ups and let downs to unburden my heart and brain of guilt. i think my confidant carries an additional burden, one that i cannot relate to.
i am ashamed that i once wanted my confidant's story. i have expressed this desire and was met with eyes of disbelief and grief. i instantly felt like gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe. i imagine that my confidant wishes that there were more chapters, wishes that they could have build ups and let downs, even though they are challenging to come through. those emotions and occurrences are living. i no longer wonder. i have seen what the book that ends looks like.
i want to thank my confidant for sharing openly and candidly.
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