restart
an affair. wikipedia describes an affair as a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people. this seems like a pretty good description. this description encompasses all the levels of the relationship from friendship to the physical aspect that i experienced. what i wanted to delve into a little more is not specifically my affair, but affairs in general.
i think that when one party strays from their marriage or committed relationship it is because something is missing. i don't believe that this is a one sided problem. there are always exceptions to the rules; you have your sex addicts, douche bags and hos, but i have to believe that most of the time there is a breakdown in the union that leads up to the decision to stray.
there is a victim mentality that is associated with affairs in regards to the person who this "happened" to. i really despise that term, it didn't "happen" to them, they contributed. i really believe if you and your partner are consistently working at your relationship advances from an outside party wouldn't make such an impact. the temptation to have a void, whatever that void is, filled wouldn't seem so important because your needs are being met by your partner.
i understand that this is a huge order to fill, but isn't that what committing yourself to another is all about? i know that in my next long term committed relationship, i will do everything in my power to keep my partner happy. not at the expense of my own happiness, but if my partner is happy, fulfilled and secure in our relationship he won't need to find that missing link somewhere else.
what this all boils down to is communication. we hear it all the time, good communication, lots of communication, communication, communication, communication. however, this does not mean talk each others ears off just to talk. meaningful communication is an art form. a skill one must learn to get your point across in a clear concise manner without blame or fault. relaying your wants, needs and desires is tricky, or at least i find it tricky.
having an affair is a conscious decision. if you read my previous post anatomy of my affair you know that i chose to proceed, but that i wasn't 100% comfortable with my choice because i quieted my moral barometer with a bottle of wine. maybe if i had decided to have a very open, no holds bar, conversation with my ex i might have made a different choice. there is no way of knowing this because you can't change your past, but i know i will do things differently the next time around.
i understand that this is a huge order to fill, but isn't that what committing yourself to another is all about? i know that in my next long term committed relationship, i will do everything in my power to keep my partner happy. not at the expense of my own happiness, but if my partner is happy, fulfilled and secure in our relationship he won't need to find that missing link somewhere else.
what this all boils down to is communication. we hear it all the time, good communication, lots of communication, communication, communication, communication. however, this does not mean talk each others ears off just to talk. meaningful communication is an art form. a skill one must learn to get your point across in a clear concise manner without blame or fault. relaying your wants, needs and desires is tricky, or at least i find it tricky.
having an affair is a conscious decision. if you read my previous post anatomy of my affair you know that i chose to proceed, but that i wasn't 100% comfortable with my choice because i quieted my moral barometer with a bottle of wine. maybe if i had decided to have a very open, no holds bar, conversation with my ex i might have made a different choice. there is no way of knowing this because you can't change your past, but i know i will do things differently the next time around.
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