internal dialogue...

without the distraction of friendship and motherhood, i am left with just the thoughts swirling in my head.  most of the time my internal dialogue is positive, happy, supportive, encouraging and uplifting.  today my internal dialogue has been atrocious.  i have been tearing myself apart, beating myself up, trying to convince myself that i am not worthy of a partner and his affections.  my so called proof, i am alone. 

in the book that i just read loving what is, i am supposed to ask myself is it true?   is my thought, i am not worthy of a partner, true?  there is definitely a small part of me that believes that to be true.  it is a very small part, but i can't answer that wholeheartedly with a no.  i am under the falsehood that if i was worthy enough i wouldn't be alone.  rationally i see that this is crazy town talk, but i have never claimed to be rational 100% of the time. 

i am not one who jumps into a relationship.  for one i have more to think about than just me.  i have the privilege of protecting two beautiful hearts besides my own.  i recognize that i have safeguards and barriers to keep out the riff raff, but when and if i get to a point that i trust the individual those safeguards and barriers come down pretty quickly.  once those barriers are down, i jump in with two feet and don't look back.

i feel like i do my research and ask the right questions to determine the other parties intentions before i let my guard down.  so when those answers turn out to be lies it stings.  it leaves me confused, angry and disappointed.  i feel foolish and naive that i believed it in the first place.  then i go to that place of see heather you just aren't enough.  holy cow, what a destructive thought to have, but is it false? 

no.

it's absolutely true. 

i am not enough for that person. 

here's the kicker, that is okay.  isn't it better to know you aren't the right person for someone else early on?  would it be better to become deeply invested in that other person's life only to figure it out later?  both scenarios hurt because our hearts get attached, often times without permission. 

so here we are, at the beginning of this i was very upset.  i had been beating myself up all day with an internal dialogue that was only half true.  the much bigger part of myself that knows i am worthy enough has a much quieter voice.  this part allows me to trudge through the destruction so that i come out clearer.  during the times of destruction it is hard to hear you just haven't found the right person and when you do you will be enough for that person,  let alone believe it, but that quiet voice is always correct.

always.