a common denominator...

have you ever heard that you are attracted to a certain type of person.  that you will gravitate towards certain character traits or looks or personalities?  i know this to be true for me.  from the outside all the men i've been emotionally invested in have looked different; backgrounds, upbringing, and careers. however, they tend to share a lot of the same traits that i gravitate towards; driven, good work ethic, and confident.

there is one other similarity...a request for time.  i seriously want to scream obscenities from the top of a mountain.  i have so many issues with this request.  first and foremost it is so vague and without an expiration date, that i can't grasp it.  the request leaves me spinning like a top, when that top slows down it comes to a crashing halt.  you can now picture me in a sobbing heap on the floor.  it isn't pretty, but it is accurate.

when i look at all my emotional entanglements there is one common denominator.  me.  it seems as if there is something about me that makes these seemingly ducks in a row men take a step back and reassess.  i have no idea what in the world it is only that it has happened every single time.  now i don't have much to draw on here, we are talking less than the amount of fingers on one hand, but it keeps happening.  sigh.  eventually the request expires and they return.  i am not in anyway trying to make myself sound irresistible that just seems to be the pattern.

where i fail is during the interim.  during the statement of i need some time to the day they return, i am a mess.  i am unable to remain my regular happy self with so much unknown hovering around me.  all my attempts are futile.  i distract myself with friends, kids, exercise, food, withholding of food, and books, but the moment those distractions end my mind goes directly back to the unknown.  that dark cloud encasing me. 

i wish i knew what it is about me that makes men stomp on the brakes.  i wish that i didn't desire the companionship.  i wish.  i wish.  i wish.  the plain truth is that all the wishing in the world doesn't change what happens, doesn't change what is and won't change what is to come.