honoring a legacy...

role call.  stand.  say your name and the year you graduated.  slowly people started rising out of their seats.  mr. so & so, 1972.  ms. so & so, 1980.  with every person that stood another hair on my arm rose to attention.  mr. so & so, 1982 i flew in from tennessee.  ms. so & so, 2001.  by the time we had made it around the room a good portion of the crowded gymnasium was on their feet.  this dramatic display of respect and adoration was awe inspiring.  my skin prickled and a single tear made its way down my face.  mr. howard price was an educator, mentor and coach for mariner high school. it was obvious to see the profound impact coach price had in so many lives; students, faculty, and rival coaches alike. 

his career was second only to family; his wife and two children.  this is the capacity that i know mr. price.  we were neighbors.  i was always terrified of him.  always referred to him as Mr. Price, never called him howard or dad, he commanded respect without saying a word.  however, he was the best dad to his children and an exceptional husband to his wife.  just as he didn't need to say anything to command respect, he exuded a deep love for his family.  i learned just how deep his love for his family and theirs for him went throughout the service. 

when his daughter, a dear friend of mine, approached the podium to share her dad with all of us, i caught my breath and placed my hand over my heart.  i have never lost someone close to me, let alone a parent, but she held her composure beautifully.  she eloquently told of the love her parents shared, recently celebrating 50 years of marriage, and the devotion they shared, her mom had visited her ailing husband every day for the last 2 years where he was receiving care.  did the movie the notebook just pop into your head?  that is exactly how i felt listening to their love story.  needless to say i was a sobbing mess through her testimony of her parents.

the range of emotions i feel at these functions is astronomical; tears to laughter, hairs raised on my arms to a lump in throat. i definitely run the gamut even if i am not very close with the person who has passed.  i think it is incredible the impact that one can have in other's lives.  i find it unfortunate that most of us don't get to experience that while we are living.  despite the fact that mr. price was not physically in that gymnasium you could certainly feel his presence from the many who came to honor his life.

to learn more about coach price and his legacy please read this article.
Coach Price 'touched a lot of lives' | HeraldNet.com - High school sports

mattress dancing...

every now and then i look at writing blogs.  i don't write my blog for recognition, validation or to make money it is strictly a release for me.  sometimes i feel like i want to submit my writing to another blogger's contest or what have you, but i never do.  a few months ago was one of those times.  i can't recall where i saw this or even what the rules were, other than your "story" had to be 50 words.  no more.  no less.  i thought i would share what i wrote.

Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
Until recently she had only been with one man, her now ex-husband.  She had never considered sleeping around a hobby, but her collection of one night stands is quickly increasing.  The temporary high of feeling desirable, beautiful and irresistible has become too intoxicating to ignore.

i never submitted it to the site.  in fact i wrote this out on a piece of paper so i wouldn't be tempted to submit it.  i have been carrying this scrap of paper around in my ridiculously large handbag.  it is now all crumpled and wrinkled.  the paper is starting to soften like a pair of jeans that has been washed a gazillion times.  i didn't want to lose the words, this is why i am sharing them with you.

maybe i will continue this woman's story sometime...

beach life...

i've decided that i want to live at the beach.  it doesn't need to be sandy, actually i prefer the sound of water tumbling the rocks over sand.  it doesn't need to be in a climate that is exceptionally warm, i have no plans of moving away from washington, snohomish county to be exact, any time soon.  besides i don't really prefer to be parading around in my bathing suit.

i spent most of sunday at the beach.  it was unseasonably warm for april.  i'm talking tank tops and shorts weather and for those crazy town folk swimsuits.  i am too casper white to be that exposed.  the kids played with their friends, i sat in my camp chair shooting the breeze with my friends. heavenly. 

during the summer when i don't have my kiddos you can often times find me at the beach.  if you don't live in washington you should know that the only summer month we have sunshine with considerable heat is august and even then you can't really count on it.  so,breezy and chilly or sweltering and dripping sweat i sit at the beach.  almost always i am on my beach blanket, you know those woven ones from mexico that the locals sell you at the beach?  well i have two of those, a blue and a yellow one, i chose to purchase the blanket instead of the hammock.  seriously what in the world am i supposed to do with a hammock on a beach? 

anyway, i've got my blanket.  if it's a chilly day i probably have my winter gear with me; hat, gloves, jacket and another blanket. yes i look like a fool.  if it's a sweat your fanny off day i just have the blanket.  i usually have a giant thing of water, although i wish i could have an ice cold beer, but that's not allowed at public beaches.  i also have some other provisions (munchies, music, and sunscreen) to sustain me through the day.

with the right provisions and a "can't put it down" book, i can sit at the beach for hours and be totally content.  the sound of the water, the sun (whether it is heat producing or not) shining down on me, fresh air, food, drink and book feeds and soothes my soul in a way most things can't.  the question is would i enjoy or make the time to have those moments if i lived there 24-7?  probably not, i think we tend to take for granted our surroundings.  i would probably fill my time with chores, kids, and life, instead of reveling in the glory of the beach. 

maybe instead of having a permanent residence at the beach, i should have a vacation home at the beach.  yes, this is sounding much better.  i can escape, said in dory's voice from finding nemo, from my normal chaotic existence i call my life and go chillax in my haven.  now i need to win 20 kajillion dollars so i can update my current living status, get a shiny new car, get my vacation home on the beach and add a devilishly handsome man to accompany me.  the man i am not purchasing, thought i should clarify that. *wink*

fairy tales...

i'm in a sassy somewhat spicy mood thanks to a captivating book series.  i stay up late, really late for me, way past midnight.  i am not a night owl, i tend to retire for the day about 8:30 and read for a while, say to 9:15.  i wake up early, i'm talking way early 4am, with my book tented across my chest.  i'm so exhausted i barely move during my resting period.  when i crack my eyelids open and look at the clock i let out an exasperated seriously, why am i up?  but i know why, it is to continue my current obsession.

i wish it was the weekend and i didn't have any plans so i could cozy up and devour the series.  i haven't been this captivated since the twilight series, which i read in a few days.  this new series is delicious, steamy, and erotic. i can't get enough of christian grey or his leading lady anastasia steele.  i find myself replaying (in my mind) parts of the book.  for instance i was in the elevator at the courthouse the other day and all i could hear in my head was there is something about elevators...  to say i was flush stepping out of the elevator is an understatement. 

in both of these series there is a fierce, passionate, and unrealistic love story unfolding.  i seriously doubt that i will be captivated by a vampire anytime soon.  that a nonhuman force will steal my heart and soul claiming me for the rest of my earthly life and beyond.  yeah, i don't see that happening.  i also don't see myself being a relationship with such a complicated and dark man as christian grey.  always having to be on my best behavior, with my guard up, and walking on egg shells is not in my plans.  besides i'm not really into some of mr. grey's favorite past times, this is not to say that i've tried them, just guessing they are not really my style.

what i would love from both of these fairy tale relationships is the passion, the devotedness, and the feelings that engulf me when i am reading their story.  come on who doesn't want intense passion?  who doesn't want unconditional love?  who doesn't want to be swept away in an unconventional whirlwind romance?  i do and i'm not embarrassed to say that i want, crave, desire and hope that this is in my future. 

happy to be me...

i am on a happy-to-be-me high!  this may come as a surprise considering the heaviness and somber mood of my earlier posts this week, but nonetheless i have some answers and all is right again. 

at the beginning of the week i was waiting for an answer.  i am no good in the waiting phase.  my thoughts spin out of control.  to tell me to get a grip and rise above it is futile.  i haven't the slightest idea on how to do that.  even with the help of a new book, i still can't do it.  unfortunately for those around me i just have to work my way through it.  i need my time to sob, have my pity party, and be hopeless.  i need the time to change my negative thoughts into positives.

we are now at the end of the week.  i got my answers that i was impatiently waiting for.  even though it wasn't really what i wanted to hear it was an answer.  i can finally breathe, i am not waking up before 5am, the tears have stopped, and i can move forward. 

i think the only person who reacts to situations with as much emotion as me is my daughter.  so sorry dear that you inherited that trait.  all i really have to say is that at least you never have to guess how i am doing, it is right there for anyone and everyone to see.

i am extremely happy to be me; complicated, flawed, passionate, inquisitive, emotional, unreasonable, joyous, quirky me. 

i think your problem is...

one of the greatest gifts in life, in my opinion, is to see yourself through someone else's eyes.  it is a valuable learning opportunity for continued self improvement and growth, even if you don't agree with what the sharer has to say.  the challenge is to take that information graciously.

this morning i got to hear many unpleasant things about myself from the eyes of another human.  most of what was said i didn't agree with and don't look at myself that way, but i always listen and soak it in.  unfortunately i think this human's unease stems more from miscommunication and misinterpretation rather than the words that were actually exchanged.

the conversation that transpired this morning happened all via text.  i am a huge texter, but there are some conversations that simply need to happen with your voice.  texting leaves too many variables; tone, left out words, misspelled words, interpretation, inference, and a whole host of others.

nothing good is going to come from  i think your problem is... when a conversation is started this way, the receiver of the message is automatically in defensive mode.  being able to stay focused on the situation and not fire back well i think your problem is... is a skill that is hard to master.  those of you who know me well, know that i choose my words very carefully.  i rarely attack someone's character unless you really deserve it.  i try very hard to accept someone's position even if it is hurtful because we are all entitled to our own opinions and perceptions. 

in addition to choosing my words carefully, i say what i mean.  if i am uncomfortable with someone or a situation i am going to ask questions.  if you tell me everything is okay, then i can't be held responsible for the discomfort.  if i am over the moon happy, i will tell you.  if i am unhappy with something i will tell you that too.  what is the point of shrouding how you are really feeling?  those feelings, positive and negative alike, build and morph eventually finding an escape route. 

so i want to say thank you to the human who shared their opinion of me this morning.  i wish that there would've been a verbal discussion so meaning and intent wouldn't have been lost through a text message.  

a common denominator...

have you ever heard that you are attracted to a certain type of person.  that you will gravitate towards certain character traits or looks or personalities?  i know this to be true for me.  from the outside all the men i've been emotionally invested in have looked different; backgrounds, upbringing, and careers. however, they tend to share a lot of the same traits that i gravitate towards; driven, good work ethic, and confident.

there is one other similarity...a request for time.  i seriously want to scream obscenities from the top of a mountain.  i have so many issues with this request.  first and foremost it is so vague and without an expiration date, that i can't grasp it.  the request leaves me spinning like a top, when that top slows down it comes to a crashing halt.  you can now picture me in a sobbing heap on the floor.  it isn't pretty, but it is accurate.

when i look at all my emotional entanglements there is one common denominator.  me.  it seems as if there is something about me that makes these seemingly ducks in a row men take a step back and reassess.  i have no idea what in the world it is only that it has happened every single time.  now i don't have much to draw on here, we are talking less than the amount of fingers on one hand, but it keeps happening.  sigh.  eventually the request expires and they return.  i am not in anyway trying to make myself sound irresistible that just seems to be the pattern.

where i fail is during the interim.  during the statement of i need some time to the day they return, i am a mess.  i am unable to remain my regular happy self with so much unknown hovering around me.  all my attempts are futile.  i distract myself with friends, kids, exercise, food, withholding of food, and books, but the moment those distractions end my mind goes directly back to the unknown.  that dark cloud encasing me. 

i wish i knew what it is about me that makes men stomp on the brakes.  i wish that i didn't desire the companionship.  i wish.  i wish.  i wish.  the plain truth is that all the wishing in the world doesn't change what happens, doesn't change what is and won't change what is to come.

choking on my cape...

moms are superheros in disguise.  we can do anything.  carry 8 bags of groceries, a kid on our hip, and answer the phone all at the same time.  we can make dinner, help with homework and get the living room vaccuumed with just two hands.  we can miraculously transport our kids to two different activities, mow the backyard and bake 85 cupcakes for the bakesale all in an hour.  moms are definitely superheros.  however, i had a mommy fail moment yesterday morning.  honestly it was longer than a moment, it was more like a 20 minute moment, but a failure nonetheless.

my kiddos come home from their dad's on the morning of school.  he drops them off on his way to work.  often times they come home needing breakfast, a clean change of clothes and an attitude adjustment.  i am not knocking my ex in anyway, i love making them breakfast, most of their clothes are here with me and i know the flip flopping of households takes it toll.  my beef is that we have very little time to get this all done by the time they barrell through the door.

my kiddos got the crud that has been going around; high fever, some throwing up, and body aches.  my daughter came down with this over the weekend.  she came through the door wailing like a mother who is watching her children being taken from her.  oh my goodness the drama.  P has quite the flair for theatrics, either she is totally fine or she is dying there is no inbetween with her. 

i was not privy to a heads up that she was going to need to stay home.  that tidbit of information would've made my morning a little easier.  so on top of the regular monday morning mayhem, i had to find a place for her to go.  just pile it on, i've got this.  i am a mom.

except i didn't handle myself well.  i totally laid into her.  i was so annoyed that she was still dying, still wailing, still being one hundred percent drama, that i didn't even give her a hug or welcome her home.  obviously this didn't go over too well.  in fact it made our morning even more choatic and stressful. now p and i are arguing about her being sick, something she has no control over but i am wanting her to buck up and get her butt to school so i don't have to worry about it.  totally unrealistic and unfair of me.

the reality, there is nothing i would've wanted to do more than call in sick myself and sit all snuggled up with my beauty for the day.  holding her tight, comforting her, stroking her hair from her forehead and having a movie marathon day.  sigh

clearly i got tangled up in my cape and was now choking myself with it.  no wonder that character in the incredibles  tells mr. incredible no capes when he is designing his new superhero costume.  capes are freaking dangerous!  sometimes humans can be so shortsighted and selfish.  i definitely have many of these moments, especially when i am wearing my mom costume. 

when i finally met back up with my beauty i made amends.  i wrapped that precious gift in all of my momness.  apologized for being mad at her for being sick, explaining that i was more upset that i couldn't stay home with her and had to work.  in pure, uncomplicated, unwavering kid love she said i still love you mom.  glad you are home.  oh those moments make it all worth it.

i am not dumb...

why do people assume i'm dumb?

i know that when i am having a conversation face to face with someone i do not sound intelligent.  i often times sound like a teenage valley girl.  i insert a lot of "ums" and "likes".  i use words like cool, awesome, no way, and shut up are you kidding?  i have said this many times i am not the best oral communicator.  when i am having a conversation on the fly my word choice can sound dumb, but i'm not dumb.

i also know that i am a huge goofball and tend to be lighthearted and airy through conversation.  i am uncomfortable in super serious conversations, so i tend to make a ton of jabs, strange faces, or insert funny diversions to lighten things up.  this doesn't always sit well with others and i'm guessing it comes across as flippant, but i am not dumb.

i am pretty observant and intuitive.

i am a watcher of behavior patterns.

what does watcher of behavior patterns mean?  i think when you are interacting with someone you quickly fall into a pattern.  it could be a hello at the same time everyday.  when that hello is absent, i think it is natural for the mind to go red flag, something is off.  or if you are sharing a physical space with someone the way they carry themselves through the house is pretty consistent.  let's say your partner follows the same routine every morning quietly going about their business and then one morning they are stomping heavy, being loud, or purposely creating a scene so you pay attention.  again, i think it's natural for the mind to say  something is off. 

i don't think i am over paranoid.  i do my best to give the benefit of the doubt, but when i specifically say i'm getting a weird vibe, is everything okay?  what do you have to gain by lying?  i am giving you the opportunity to share.  now i get that it might not be the right time for that person to share, we all have our own time frame to feel safe and ready, but in that instance it seems like it would make more sense to say i'm not ready to discuss it yet, but i will be instead of everything is fine.

maybe you are thinking at this point that i am expecting a lot of the people i interact with?  i probably am.  however, i do my very best to live exactly the way i expect to be treated.  i definitely fail, sometimes more than i care to, but i try. 

so here is my request.  just be straight.  i know that i am not going to like everything that comes out of your mouth, but i will respect you a whole heck of a lot more for being honest and candid than lying and having to cover your tracks later.  in return i will do the same.  that is only fair.

internal dialogue...

without the distraction of friendship and motherhood, i am left with just the thoughts swirling in my head.  most of the time my internal dialogue is positive, happy, supportive, encouraging and uplifting.  today my internal dialogue has been atrocious.  i have been tearing myself apart, beating myself up, trying to convince myself that i am not worthy of a partner and his affections.  my so called proof, i am alone. 

in the book that i just read loving what is, i am supposed to ask myself is it true?   is my thought, i am not worthy of a partner, true?  there is definitely a small part of me that believes that to be true.  it is a very small part, but i can't answer that wholeheartedly with a no.  i am under the falsehood that if i was worthy enough i wouldn't be alone.  rationally i see that this is crazy town talk, but i have never claimed to be rational 100% of the time. 

i am not one who jumps into a relationship.  for one i have more to think about than just me.  i have the privilege of protecting two beautiful hearts besides my own.  i recognize that i have safeguards and barriers to keep out the riff raff, but when and if i get to a point that i trust the individual those safeguards and barriers come down pretty quickly.  once those barriers are down, i jump in with two feet and don't look back.

i feel like i do my research and ask the right questions to determine the other parties intentions before i let my guard down.  so when those answers turn out to be lies it stings.  it leaves me confused, angry and disappointed.  i feel foolish and naive that i believed it in the first place.  then i go to that place of see heather you just aren't enough.  holy cow, what a destructive thought to have, but is it false? 

no.

it's absolutely true. 

i am not enough for that person. 

here's the kicker, that is okay.  isn't it better to know you aren't the right person for someone else early on?  would it be better to become deeply invested in that other person's life only to figure it out later?  both scenarios hurt because our hearts get attached, often times without permission. 

so here we are, at the beginning of this i was very upset.  i had been beating myself up all day with an internal dialogue that was only half true.  the much bigger part of myself that knows i am worthy enough has a much quieter voice.  this part allows me to trudge through the destruction so that i come out clearer.  during the times of destruction it is hard to hear you just haven't found the right person and when you do you will be enough for that person,  let alone believe it, but that quiet voice is always correct.

always.

trimming my badonka donk...

nelly and rita are at it again.  nelly is in the lead at this point.  i really don't like her.  she turns me into this ultra insecure, sniveling woman.  i want to punch her in the nose. 

i am fighting back.  in an effort to quiet nelly and rita's sparring i have been running.  last summer when i was having issues with matt i did the same thing.  i have to be careful when i decide to run when i am spinning, i lose track of where i am.  there was a time last year that i took off on the centennial trail, by the time i realized i had been out there a while and stopped it had been an hour and i was miles from where i started.  ugh!  i ended up walking back and could hardly move the next day.

there is something about running that is mind clearing, even if it is only temporary.  keeping my shoulders down, placing my feet on the pavement with purpose, and controlling my breathing gives my mind some focus.  my favorite music is quietly encouraging me along.  i am out in this great earth and drawing energy from my environment. 

besides structuring my thoughts for a small segment of time, i get to shed my protective winter layer.  we are heading in to a warmer weather season so i need to trim my badonka donk.  this is a term my sister uses all the time referring to ones behind.  as you know, because i seem to talk about it a lot, mine is like a jello mold that has been sitting in the sun.  it is slowly losing its shape and sliding towards my thighs.  in addition to trimming my badonka donk, i am firming up the rest my jiggly jello physique.

i have one other line of defense.  i am reading a self help book.  this isn't something i usually buy into because i feel that i am who i am.  there isn't much hope in changing myself, but this book was recommended by a couple of friends and so i am absorbing the message with an open  mind.  the premise of the book loving what is, is questioning your negative thoughts by asking a series of questions and then turning the statement around on yourself. 

i admit that this book has an interesting perspective.  i think that there is probably great power in questioning your thoughts.  analyzing whether the thought is true beyond a reasonable doubt or just a thought that you think should or shouldn't be.  discovering how you react to the thought and how you treat the person who delivered it is quite depressing.  the last step of turning this thought around on yourself and seeing if you could be doing what you are expecting of the other person is definitely eye opening. 

halfway through this book, i have found myself completing the assignments, sobbing, and attempting to focus on what is instead of what i want to be.  if you have read any of my past posts you will know that i have often struggled with this.  i don't believe i am alone.  i think this is a very human thing to do.  we all have hopes, desires, aspirations, and dreams.  when those things don't pan out it is easy to lose focus. 

so there you go.  i am arming myself with tools to quiet nelly even for a short time.  she will always pipe up luring me to negativity, but hopefully i can shorten the time she takes hold.  in shedding my winter layer and trimming my badonka donk i am getting physically stronger and feeling better about myself. 

every day face...

you know what i think would be interesting?  if i took a picture of my face every day for one year.  no make up, no fancy lights, just my face.  i am curious how much it changes in a years time.  aren't you?

i look at myself everyday.  i don't inspect myself everyday, but i look in the mirror every morning to put on make up, fix my hair, a final look before i walk out the door.  i don't notice the small changes that occur gradually throughout the year.  can you even imagine how horrifying it would be to actually see yourself age everyday in the mirror?  i guess this is why we don't notice the minute changes.

when i look at pictures over the years i can see that i have aged, but when exactly did that happen? 

so here is what i am thinking starting this weekend i am going to start taking my picture every morning out of the shower.  so i will be fresh faced with no make up.   my hair will be slicked back and wet.  it will be me in my purest form.  i will collect all these photos in a folder and look at them in one years time.  maybe by this time next year i will have advanced in my computer skills and will be able to put together some sort of montage of myself? 

i think this will be interesting.  what i should do in conjunction with this photo process is keep a daily journal.  record my stress level, my mood, significant events, hours of sleep and maybe what i ate.  i know all of these things contribute to the aging process.  not only would it be interesting but i might be able to adjust some things to slow the process. 

the more i roll this around in my thoughts the more i think i will be doing this.  woohoo a self improvement project.

1981



2011

resisting temptation...

much to my ex husbands chagrin i've been talking about my married life.  specifically the affair that i had.  he is very upset and embarrassed by my actions and doesn't want me talking about it, but this isn't about him this is about me.  i'm getting off track on where i wanted to go with this.

restart

an affair.  wikipedia describes an affair as a sexual relationship or a romantic friendship or passionate attachment between two people.  this seems like a pretty good description.  this description encompasses all the levels of the relationship from friendship to the physical aspect that i experienced.  what i wanted to delve into a little more is not specifically my affair, but affairs in general.

i think that when one party strays from their marriage or committed relationship it is because something is missing.  i don't believe that this is a one sided problem.  there are always exceptions to the rules; you have your sex addicts, douche bags and hos, but i have to believe that most of the time there is a breakdown in the union that leads up to the decision to stray. 

there is a victim mentality that is associated with affairs in regards to the person who this "happened" to.  i really despise that term, it didn't "happen" to them, they contributed.  i really believe if you and your partner are consistently working at your relationship advances from an outside party wouldn't make such an impact.  the temptation to have a void, whatever that void is, filled wouldn't seem so important because your needs are being met by your partner.

i understand that this is a huge order to fill, but isn't that what committing yourself to another is all about?  i know that in my next long term committed relationship, i will do everything in my power to keep my partner happy.  not at the expense of my own happiness, but if my partner is happy, fulfilled and secure in our relationship he won't need to find that missing link somewhere else. 

what this all boils down to is communication.  we hear it all the time, good communication, lots of communication, communication, communication, communication.  however, this does not mean talk each others ears off just to talk.  meaningful communication is an art form.  a skill one must learn to get your point across in a clear concise manner without blame or fault.  relaying your wants, needs and desires is tricky, or at least i find it tricky. 

having an affair is a conscious decision.  if you read my previous post anatomy of my affair  you know that i chose to proceed, but that i wasn't 100% comfortable with my choice because i quieted my moral barometer with a bottle of wine.  maybe if i had decided to have a very open, no holds bar, conversation with my ex i might have made a different choice.  there is no way of knowing this because you can't change your past, but i know i will do things differently the next time around.  

family time...

what does your family look like?  do you have a traditional nuclear family?  mom, dad, siblings and a  dog all residing under the same roof?  maybe you have an all too common broken family? mom and dad in seperate homes and the siblings bounce back and forth between the two homes with the family dog in tow.  or maybe you have a blended family?  a step parent, step siblings, your biological siblings and parents and a cat under one roof.  there are many other types of families, but these three i think are the most common, especially in our american culture. 

holidays, like the one we just had, are traditionally a family day.  i come from a broken family and now have a broken family, so juggling families isn't new for me.  however, it is different when you are the parent having to do the coordinating.  when you are the kiddo you just go where your parents bring you.  my ex and i have a pretty standard holiday visitation schedule; we trade holidays and then the following year it is reversed. 

last year i didn't have my kiddos and went to portland to visit with my friend keri.  that was super fun, i actually really enjoyed getting away for the holiday weekend.  this year i had my kiddos and we spent time with my dad on saturday and my mom on sunday.  on our way from my mom's the kids both asked about seeing their dad.  i know how hard it is to not see both your parents on a holiday and want to ease that as much as possible for my kids.

we stopped by their dad's house.  in my head they were just going to run in and say hi, happy easter, get back in my car and we would go home.  in reality, they jumped out, ran in to say hi, then ran back out can we stay the night?  i am a softie, the relationship with their father is important and i try not to interfere with that, so i almost always say yes.  after a couple of hugs, kisses and i love you's they tumbled out of my car. 

my buddy turned back to wave and i was crying.  i didn't mean for him to see me cry.  this meant he started crying and i summoned him back to my car.  he climbed in my lap and i held him like an infant.  a really long infant, but just how i held him when he was tiny.  he wanted to know why i was crying.  i told him that i always cry when i drop you off because i miss you before you leave my sight.

both my children have tender souls, they are always so concerned about my happiness.  i don't like my children seeing me in weak moments.  the ones when i lose my patience, or the ones when i am a pitiful heap of tears, or the ones where i don't want to get out of my bed because the day seems too much to face.  however, i think it is good for them to see that i have all the emotions they do.  that things hurt or are hard but those things aren't barriers trapping me in a quagmire of despair. 

eventhough i was sad to watch my children leave, i am glad they got to spend some time with their dad.  i am sure he appreciated it too.  i hope you all had a blessed holiday and enjoyed the day with your family, whatever your family looks like.

36 and loving it....

today i am 36. 

happy birthday to me!

do you examine yourself in the mirror on your birthday to see if you look different?  checking for a new gray hair?  or another wrinkle that is gracing your face?  or maybe another chin appeared overnight?  or maybe your rear has dropped an inch?  i know i can't be the only one who does this, right?

i woke up this morning looked in the mirror and took a step back.  looking back at me was a pizza face with bloodshot, puffy eyes.  this woman's hair had a huge rat's nest poking out from the left side and the right side was all over the place.  who the heck is in my mirror?  i took a step towards the mirror, leaned in over the sink and stared at that woman.  oh yeah that is me.  wow 36 looks rough!

there is a really good reason for the i drank all 100 bottles of beer on the wall, haggared look.  i hadn't really slept.  i went to bed with excellent intentions of getting a solid 8 hours.  however my children had other plans.  after the 15th trip upstairs to console my buddy who was suffereing from fever nightmares i decided to drag him down to my bed.  shortly after i got his sweat soaked clothes changed and safely snuggled in my bed, my daughter came in crying i don't want to sleep upstairs all by myself.

i have always thought i have a lot of patience, but something happens to me between the hours of 1:00 and 4:00 am.  i lose every ounce, i mean every ounce, of patience i have.  when my daughter came in crying the only thing i could say to her was so help me if you don't have it figured it out in 5 minutes...  i am sure this was delivered in a demon possessed gruff voice, but i'm telling you something happens to me that is beyond my control.  at some point during the constant starts and stops of sleeping we all drifted off.  only to be woken by my alarm, chirping happily that it is the start of another day.  oh my goodness, i was so not ready for that. 

as you can see the day didn't start off exactly as i had planned, but like a trooper i turned it around, got the kids up, turned myself into a birthday goddess and made it out the door on time.  i thought i was doing pretty good until bethy said what is wrong with your eyes?  they are all puffy and bloodshot.  gotta love the honesty that only your closest friends share with you.  she didn't ask me about the teenage acne that was spreading across my chin, i guess she could tell by my expression that i could only take so much. 

overall the day was great.  my kiddos sent me on a scavenger hunt in the morning for my birthday note.  i had to work, but my coworkers had a little celebration complete with red velvet cake, flowers and coffee.  the ladies took me out for pizza and beer, they sure do know me.  i met up with a friend after dinner with the ladies for a nightcap.  it really was a great day. 

in the blue corner...

there are things that i despise about myself.  most of them are inconsequential in the grand scheme of things but i loathe them regardless. for instance my jiggly jello posterior.  yes there is a fix to this and i will get there, but i need to complain about it just a little bit more.  or the fact that i am always covered in bruises, most of the time i have no idea where i get them.  it seems like i go to bed with porcelain doll skin and wake up looking like i fell down a flight of steps. the weirdest.  or the fact that i am a needy nelly.

in the blue corner we have needy nelly.  she is insecure, unreasonable and ridiculously loud.  she replays conversations looking for a hidden meaning.  she looks at conversations that don't happen and wonders why they don't happen.  she needs lots of reassurance and hand holding.  when nelly takes hold her grip is fierce and ironclad.  she is hard to ignore because she invades my thoughts and begs me to pay attention to her.  nelly you are like a chinese water torture. 

in the red corner we have rational rita.  she is of sound mind, extremely confident and radiant.  she looks at things logically and recognizes that she isn't the center of attention.  she takes what comes her way and appreciates every interaction.  she stands on her own two feet without needing to lifted up by anyone.  rita is a strong, independent, happy woman.  rita you rock.

nelly and rita spar often.  the constant battle waging in my noggin between these two is exhausting and relentless.  to date nelly and rita are pretty evenly matched their ko's and losses are neck and neck.  i am obviously rooting for the red corner but the blue corner has a sneaky left hook.  nelly has had some great conditioning and she doesn't tire easily, whereas rita has no stamina unless she takes nelly out in the first round she is easily defeated. 

what i need to do is find a way tip the scales in rita's favor.  great communication is the conditioning and training that rita needs.  the problem is i have never been a great oral communicator.  i can make your eyes blur with countless words to read, but sitting face to face and conducting a meaningful, purposeful conversation is not my strong point.  i definitely know what i want to say but i must be wearing an invisible muzzle because the words are trapped within me. 

it is high time to start the training.  i might be able to incorporate some physical training into this conversational bootcamp so i can cure my jiggly jello posterior. ha!  regardless of what happens, nelly you are going down.

post intoxication...

recently a friend asked me what are the other stages of a relationship?  i read your blog and you mentioned the honeymoon stage, what are the rest?  i responded with well, i don't know.  i have had one significant relationship outside of my marriage and touched down briefly past honeymoon. 

i think you start with the honeymoon stage, or something i like to call the intoxication of newness.  when i first meet someone and they pique my interest enough to see them again, i feel like i am on a happiness high, or that i am parched and can't seem to quench the thirst.  admittedly this hasn't happened to me often, but when it does it is exhilarating and all consuming.  i want to talk to that person all the time, learn more, see them whenever and at all costs.  like i said it's intoxicating and i have a hard time controlling myself.

there is a small problem with this stage.  i touched on this the other day, you tend to be blind.  maybe this is something that happens only to me, but i know that i overlook or allow things to be that i wouldn't normally put up with because i am head over heels.  stupid i know. for some reason i find it hard to keep my eyes wide open, my heart in check and my head clear.  i stink at relationships. 

after that initial intoxication stage, it seems like you fall into a familiar routine.  if by some miracle you are still enamored with your partner after the intoxication wears off, there might be a good chance you will spend some considerable time with this person.  at this point your "goo goo ga ga" goggles are off and you are seeing this person for who they really are and they have most likely dropped their guards.  i can tell you from past experience i haven't been so enamored during this stage and ultimately the journey ended.  sigh. 

the only other stage i seem to be too familiar with is the ending of a journey.  i am not good at goodbyes.  it doesn't matter what kind of goodbye it is, they make me sad.  is there anyone out there that enjoys goodbyes? 

really what this all boils down to is i don't know squat about relationships.  i clearly don't know how to make one last.  i know people who have successful relationships and have asked, what i think are good questions about their secret, but i 'm still at a loss. 

so friend, i have absolutely NO idea.

my mouth's on fire...

at fred's rivertown alehouse in snohomish

this picture was taken by a friend who i've been spending quite a bit of time with but who wishes to remain anonymous. for someone who shares their life through facebook, twitter, and blogging this is really hard for me.  it's hard to hold back and not blab to the whole world who my anonymous friend is.  darn those people who keep their social life private.

anyway, this picture was taken at the last place we went.  as you all i know i really like my beer.  i am not a crap beer drinker.  i like a microbrew, preferably dark, not too bitter and ice cold.  seeing as this is an alehouse it did not disappoint.  there is a new cask beer every tuesday, the one this week was awful, some pale ale junk, we didn't even finish the sample.  instead we opted for the arrogant bastard, you really can't go wrong with that particular beer and it is fun to order.  i am amused by little things.  if you aren't a beer drinker the wine menu had a lot of choices and there is a very large single malt scotch selection.

the menu is very diverse.  we had the asian nachos; crispy won ton chips, marinated steak, mozzarella, peanut sauce, cilantro, green onion, chopped peanuts and sriracha sauce.  they were out of this world yummy!  my friend ordered this with extra sriracha sauce.  i wouldn't recommend this unless you are a huge sriracha fan.  i am not, i prefer to keep my taste buds and be able to feel my mouth, but that could just be me.  this was plenty big for the both of us.  i would go again just to have these nachos, they were that good.

the atmosphere is right up my alley.  it has that cheers feel to it, where everybody knows your name.  its casual, jeans and tshirt work here.  the staff was very friendly and i have a feeling if you frequented this establishment they would know your order like your corner barista does.  the clientele was very diverse; couples, families, groups of girlfriends cackling like hyenas, men's groups checking out every lady that walked through the door, young and old alike.  a very comfortable place to hang out and shoot the breeze.

the food was incredible, the beer was fantastic and the company was stellar.  i hope to be back to fred's soon...hold the extra sriracha sauce.  *wink*

a persuasive temptress...

i am being seduced.  a persuasive temptress luring me to a new promise land.  a magical land, full of vibrant color, serene landscape, ample generosity and an abundance of peacefulness.  i am cautiously following the seduction.  if i knew it wasn't a facade and behind the curtain of glory there wasn't a wasteland of disappointment i would run and never look back.

who is this temptress?

where is this promise land? 

life without facebook is the promise land.  before you balk hear me out.  i am hearing more and more people who have either retired their facebook account or choose not have one to begin with.  it might be my imagination but these same people seem to have a calmer, less dramatic air about them.  could it be because they are void of the drama that you can find yourself getting wrapped up in? 

i am admittedly addicted, or maybe obsessed is a better word, with my facebook account.  i look at first thing in the morning during my love affair with joe.  i check it while i am at work.  i have my phone set to receive messages and alerts.  i check it before i go to bed.  i love seeing what 600 of my closest friends are up to, all of their successes, failures and funnies.  watching their families grow up through pictures, following their blogs because they link them to their homepage, supporting their cause or business.  it is all fascinating to me. 

i don't necessarily comment on pages, status updates or even photos i just like to watch.  i suppose that makes me sound like a creepy stalker or voyeur but whatever.  i am nosey.  humans are intriguing.  i love that i know people who live in other countries, who are comedians, musicians, actors, business owners, homemakers, and everything else in between. 

with all of this easy access to other people's lives comes drama.  people hooking up and breaking up, marriages falling apart, health issues, weddings, or new members of families.  it is really easy to want to follow the story unfold.  facebook is like having a virtual smut magazine of people you know.  as you know i live a very open and public life.  i know this isn't for everyone, but it works for me. 

so what would happen if i took a break?  if i just stopped following the lives of 600 and just engaged with actual humans?  humans that i can feel, touch, see, and smell instead of virtual humans?  would i spend more time nourishing those relationships?  would i feel less important by shrinking my interaction to say 20?  would my life seem less chaotic? 


i know i won't be getting a rash of emails, texts or phone calls begging me to keep my facebook account.  i am just not that cool.  but would i be missed?  does it matter that my virtual friends miss me?  in theory i would be spending more real time with my friends and getting all the support, love and friendship i need, so i shouldn't care about being missed.

i am not sure if i will ditch my account.  if i do it won't be anytime soon, but the temptress is there.  she has hooked me in her powerful clutch slowly pulling me towards her. 

one please...

one for the hunger games

small popcorn, please

with my single serving popcorn, just a couple of napkins and immense anticipation i entered the dimly lit theater.  i scan the theater for the perfect seat, for just one.  i see many couples, groups of friends and a couple of parent/child teams occupying the rows.  this particular theater you enter from the back of the theater, so i take a seat in the first row i come to on the aisle. 

as i get settled into my chair, in an empty row, i felt kind of like a loser.  there are a lot of lonely things one does when they are single.  going to movies, eating at a restaurant, or sidling up to a bar all in the company of just yourself are in my opinion some of the loneliest.  on the flip side there a lot of things that are done best alone.  going to the bathroom, having your yearly pap smear or going to the shrinks office come to mind.

when i am at the movies i am craving to share the experience.  i want to talk about the previews.  which upcoming movies i will be purchasing advanced tickets for and which ones i would rather poke myself in the eye than spend my money seeing.  if the movie theater has trivia before the previews i can engage my companion in a little friendly competition.  it just isn't the same to sit there and yell out the answer, the other patrons just think you are being obnoxious.  now i don't talk much during the movie but i want to after, comparing thoughts, favorites and dislikes.  you don't get to do any of this when you go to the movies by yourself.  it's the pits.

i finished my popcorn just as the movie started.  here is one small benefit of going alone, you can control the amount of crunching in your personal space.  the movie was captivating, it grabbed me right from the get go.  towards the end i leaped a mile out of my seat, i am pretty sure my rear completely left the cushion.  i'm not sure if i would've jumped as much with another human next to me, but i could've grabbed onto them at the very least and slowed my heart just a bit.  i jetted out of the theater as soon as the credits started rolling.

i loved the movie.  it is definitely worth seeing in the theater.  find a companion, it is just so much better.