a random hello...

as you know, or maybe you don't and are going to learn something new about me, i am a crier.  i cry about everything.  i cry at movies; the justin bieber movie, toy story 3, and the notebook to name a few.  i cry at commercials.  i cry reading books.  i cry when i laugh too hard.  i cry when others around me cry.  i cry when i am mad.  i cry when i have something important to say.  i also cry when something unexpected happens.

this something unexpected happened this evening.  i was lying in bed reading my book when i got a text

hey miss marysville :)) just thinking of you....saw a couple dart boards and couldn't help but think of you :))

i could've told you just by the double smile smiley face who it was from.  i know only one person who does this and it has always made me giggle.  when i see the double smiley i think of a double chin.  i don't really know why but that is my first thought. occasionally there would be a triple smiley face and i would think either you are super happy or you need a face lift.  anyway, the way this person makes their emoticon is very distinct.

i recently shared a story about someone that i connected with.  it was titled sasquatch.  at the time i hadn't heard from him at all and the whole situation left me sad.  since i posted that, i have heard from him on occasion.  a merry christmas.  a happy new year wish.  and now the message above. 

every time i get a message i cry.  it probably seems super silly, but i do.  in fact i am teary right now.  the letters on my screen are blurry.  my nose is getting stuffy.  my eyelids are brimming with tears that will inevitably crest their rims and find a path down my face.  as predicted there they go, tears carving paths down my face.  sigh

i tried to play off this nice surprise message coolly but i failed.  instead of just saying something nice and witty back i inserted my hopes, wishes and selfish desires mixed into a congratulations on your new relationship.  i am such an ass sometimes.  what in the world did i hope to gain from that?  some sort of affirmation that our time together meant something?  that he still cares about me as a person?  that i am worth the time to talk to? 

the answer to all of those questions is yes.  yes i needed to hear that.  jesus i am pathetic.  pathetic with a capital p.  why in the world do i need that?   i have said this before, it has been a while but it hasn't changed, i am not confident in myself when it comes to men.  all the strength and courage and self assurance runs like a cheetah when it comes to men.  i turn into this weak snively woman who doesn't believe she is worth the affection and attention from a man. 

i wish i knew where this stemmed from.  i am not one who likes to blame others for who i am or the circumstances that i find myself in.  i am an adult who has the ability to make decisions and choices, whether those decisions are good or bad i am making them.  i have tried to understand myself and really evaluate the feeling of "not good enough", but i still don't have a good grasp on it.  maybe it is on the next horizon? 

anyway the text took me by surprise.  caught me off guard so to speak.  i don't want to not hear from him.  he is an amazing person, he deserves all the happiness in the world and the lady who captured his heart is a lucky, lucky woman.  i just wish it didn't make me cry it takes all the fun out of a random hello.