coming off of a weekend without my kids is always difficult. we are coming up on three years of having every other weekend off and it still gets to me. to top it off a past relationship keeps trying to be present, i had plans that fell through on saturday night, and another relationship has had me in deep thought. there were definitely some highlights, but my mood has been in the toilet.
i think there is a pitfall that single folk fall in to, the "why can't i find someone who just wants to be with me" hole. for some reason when i sit around by my lonesome i start to analyze what i have to "offer" a potential partner. besides myself and my stellar personality i don't have much. can just me be enough for someone else?
i come with some hefty baggage.
for starters two kids. i love them, but will my potential partner love them like i do? if he has kids will i love his kids the way i love my own? i guess the reality is no one is going to love your kids like their mom and dad do. grandparents don't love them the way their own parents do. to worry about this is silly, but my kids are my absolute number one priority. making sure that my potential partner is not only a good fit for me but also for them is not only necessary but harder than i ever imagined.
second, i am not a wealthy woman. getting divorced is a pricey venture. i can support myself, but just barely. i don't have a fat stash of cash to entertain, or vacation with, or even buy myself and my kids extras. this is kind of embarrassing, but i know it won't be forever. i live simply because i have to, but truly the balance of one's bank account doesn't interest me. i have lived before with a disposable income and was miserable beyond belief, now i live within my means and spend way more time with my kids and am much happier in my soul.
i have a loony tunes ex that isn't going away. sometimes i don't want to have to deal with my ex how can i expect someone else to join the party? whether we want to admit it or not a person with kids is always going to have to deal with their ex. for me, this can sometimes be really impactful. the relationship with my ex is slowly mending itself. i don't ever expect it to be perfect, but does someone else really want to walk into all that drama? i wouldn't.
so really i just have me to "offer" someone else. i know that i can keep their belly full. i have a wicked sense of humor and we will laugh. i don't require a lot to keep me happy, so i am cheap to maintain. i am honest, caring, passionate, quirky, often times loud, silly, emotional, irrational at times, and extremely genuine. is that enough? i guess time will tell.
i think the bigger problem is me believing that i am enough. i find myself getting wrapped up in what i don't have instead of what i do. the conversation in my head goes something like this he should be with someone on the same playing field. instead of my thoughts being what could he possibly see in me? they should be of course he loves me i am fantastic!
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