factory is closed....

i burst out of my coma with a check list of things to get done; clean bathrooms, revamp online dating profile, don't have anymore kids....wait...what?  i picked up my phone.  yes, i am one of those annoying people who is so addicted to my phone i sleep with it.  3:00 A.M.  was staring me down.  i put my phone back down, told myself goodnight, and rolled over hoping that sleep would find me again for just a few more hours.

well it is now 4:49 and i am still awake.  i haven't cleaned the bathrooms, because really that is just crazy town to clean bathrooms at 3 in the morning, but i did revamp my profile.  not sure it will do any good, but an item checked off my list.  now i am sitting here with number three; don't have anymore kids.  this is a weird thing to have on my checklist.  hmmm...

i am going to start with this, in the world of online dating i am shocked and amazed at the amount of men my age who haven't been married and don't have kids but want them.  there is a part of me that says, "kuddos to you bro you didn't settle."  the other part says, "what's wrong with him?  is he hard to please?"  i don't know their life stories, the why's, what's, when's or how comes? so i really shouldn't be so quick to judge, but i do wonder and if i have the opportunity i ask.  the down side to the man who is in his mid 30's and still is looking to have kids...he isn't going to find that with me.

this is a subject i have put a lot of thought in to.  i have some good reasons, at least i think they are good reasons.  i will say it is a nice idea, to create a life born out of new undying love is a beautiful thing.  bring on the rain storm.  you might need your umbrellas.

i always knew that i wanted to have kids, but nobody goes into marriage thinking, "10 years from now we will be divorced, so let's have kids together".  sharing custody, child support, divvying up holidays, attempting civility is all a bunch of bunk.  why on earth would i risk having two men to do that with?  just hand me a one way ticket to the loony bin now. 

i don't ever want my kids, the ones that i have now, to feel upstaged by a new baby.  not just any new baby, a new baby with my mr. right forever.  subconsciously i think i would treat that new baby just a little bit differently.  when i look at my kids now i see them, individual humans, i don't see their father or the life i used to have.  would that change if i had a new baby with my new happy life?  i'm sure there are those who can weigh in on this, but like always this is just my own thoughts.

or how about the simple fact that i am just getting old.  i don't want to be one of those "old" parents.  starting over with diapers, midnight feedings, strollers, loads of crap that you have to travel with...oh my goodness that sounds terrible.  my kids are at an age that they don't need me as much and can be somewhat self sufficient if i stay out of the way.  we can joke around and they get my humor.  let's be honest, i am halfway through their youth before they are officially adults, why would i want to add another 20 years until they are out of my hair?

so there you go.  i've checked off two things from my 3:00 am checklist and bathrooms aren't one of them.  maybe i will get to those bathrooms in a little bit.