chameleon ways...

i started writing while i was separated.  for some reason today i decided to read through it.  i came across a couple of paragraphs that scared me.

i have completely immersed myself into being the perfect wife and the perfect mother and block out most everything else.  i have stopped seeing my friends from my previous job.  at this point i really don't have any friends that i do things with or talk to.  i have isolated myself from the rest of the world and focused on my home, my child and the baby on the way.  i am isolating myself from everything just as he is isolating himself from our family.  although i will never be an addict my behavior mirrors his behavior a good majority of the time.  when he isolates so do i, when he focuses on just one thing so do i, if he decides that he is going to stop talking to his friends i stop talking to mine.  i am not sure why i do this but in a way i feel more connected and on the same page as him if we are doing like things.  we are growing farther apart and our "family" is just beginning. 

i have no idea how to reconnect with him.  i have no idea how to bring up his addictive behavior.  or talk to him about his work.  or get him to explain what is going on with him.  i do not require him to participate in my daily life.  i do not press him for any information.  i make his life easy, no requirements just take care of you, i've got the rest. 

i read this and felt scared.  scared may seem like a pretty strong word, but scared is exactly the word that describes the feeling.  when i look at my life, my personality, the choices i have made i am reminded of a chameleon.  chameleon's change color to camouflage themselves in their environment.  it is a survival tactic.  much like the chameleon, i have typically adopted the characteristics or habits of the people i surround myself with. 

i don't like drawing attention to myself or being the center of attention.  some of you don't believe that for a minute because i am typically a vibrant, loud and boisterous person, and truth be told in small crowds or with my dearest friends i don't mind if they are paying attention to me.  however you stick me in a large crowd and the focus is on me, i freeze.  frozen like a popsicle.

one way i have learned to not draw attention to myself is to blend in. when i habitually spend time with the same person i start to adopt their phrases, their routines, their expectations.  for instance with my girlfriends we use the same catch phrases.  we say oh my word instead of oh my God.  we call our kids ratchets, this came about one night playing balderdash and the word was smatchet, which really means a nasty little kid.  for the record our kids aren't nasty it is just funny.  i feel that sharing certain things amongst my friends, having that commonality, strengthens our friendship, but i am getting at something deeper.

what scares me is that i felt like i lost myself when i was married.  i got so wrapped up in being the perfect mother, the perfect wife, keeping the peace, making our life appear normal and secure that i stopped being me.  i stopped doing the things that made me happy.  i stopped caring about myself and my well being.  i must admit that i don't think this is too uncommon for women who start families.  it is really easy to delve into motherhood and forget about yourself.  i am hoping that it was more of a motherhood thing and not a marriage thing.

the past couple of years i have been on a road of rediscovery.  i have spent countless hours examining myself,  my reaction to ups and downs, dissecting choices that i have made.  i have also spent ample hours focusing on things that truly bring me joy.  i feel like i have a pretty good grasp of who i am.  i love loads of things about heather and despise a handful of things about heather, but overall i think i am a pretty cool lady.

i am hoping that the next time around (i am speaking of my next forever) i will be able to have a better balance. there are things working in my favor.  i have a much better understanding of myself which i feel is the biggest change.  i have 10 years of motherhood under my belt, this is helpful.  i don't freak out about the little nuances of parenting, the kids and i have a good routine established.  i suppose the real trick is knowing when mr. right forever has entered the picture and not letting go.  sometimes i think he is already in my life and i just haven't found the courage to let it happen.