a pot to piss in...

coming off of a weekend without my kids is always difficult.  we are coming up on three years of having every other weekend off and it still gets to me.  to top it off a past relationship keeps trying to be present, i had plans that fell through on saturday night, and another relationship has had me in deep thought.  there were definitely some highlights, but my mood has been in the toilet.

i think there is a pitfall that single folk fall in to, the "why can't i find someone who just wants to be with me" hole.  for some reason when i sit around by my lonesome i start to analyze what i have to "offer" a potential partner.  besides myself and my stellar personality i don't have much.  can just me be enough for someone else? 

i come with some hefty baggage. 

for starters two kids.  i love them, but will my potential partner love them like i do?  if he has kids will i love his kids the way i love my own?  i guess the reality is no one is going to love your kids like their mom and dad do.  grandparents don't love them the way their own parents do.  to worry about this is silly, but my kids are my absolute number one priority.  making sure that my potential partner is not only a good fit for me but also for them is not only necessary but harder than i ever imagined.

second, i am not a wealthy woman.  getting divorced is a pricey venture.  i can support myself, but just barely.  i don't have a fat stash of cash to entertain, or vacation with, or even buy myself and my kids extras.  this is kind of embarrassing, but i know it won't be forever.  i live simply because i have to, but truly the balance of one's bank account doesn't interest me.  i have lived before with a disposable income and was miserable beyond belief, now i live within my means and spend way more time with my kids and am much happier in my soul.

i have a loony tunes ex that isn't going away.  sometimes i don't want to have to deal with my ex how can i expect someone else to join the party?  whether we want to admit it or not a person with kids is always going to have to deal with their ex.  for me, this can sometimes be really impactful.  the relationship with my ex is slowly mending itself.  i don't ever expect it to be perfect, but does someone else really want to walk into all that drama?  i wouldn't.

so really i just have me to "offer" someone else.  i know that i can keep their belly full.  i have a wicked sense of humor and we will laugh.  i don't require a lot to keep me happy, so i am cheap to maintain.  i am honest, caring, passionate, quirky, often times loud, silly, emotional, irrational at times, and extremely genuine.  is that enough?  i guess time will tell.

i think the bigger problem is me believing that i am enough.  i find myself getting wrapped up in what i don't have instead of what i do.  the conversation in my head goes something like this he should be with someone on the same playing field.   instead of my thoughts being what could he possibly see in me? they should be of course he loves me i am fantastic! 

tame your tongue...

Feelings can be a little like our laundry.  Sometimes we can't sort them until we dump them on the table. ~ beth moore

it is sunday, church day.  i am very honest that i sometimes regularly attend.  i am really good at coming up with any excuse to not go.  it's my only day to sleep in.  this is a load of garbage, i had saturday and truly i choose to get up an hour earlier than i need to every weekday just to have some me time.  i don't have enough time to get showered.  hogwash, it takes me just a few minutes to shower, dress and get out the door, i always have time.  i don't feel good.  baloney, i never feel good when i wake up, it's nothing unusual.  somehow i always get up and get out the door.  really it is all just excuses. 

i actually like going to church.  i like the social aspect.  it is a time to be with other people who are similar in their beliefs.  it is a constant.  i am big on routines and dependability, the church is always there.  i generally come away with a tidbit in my brain to ponder.  you know how i like to mull things over.  and i have said before that i don't believe you have to go to church to prove your faith, but it is a good place to solidify and remind yourself of your faith.

the saying above is from the bible study class that i, sometimes regularly, go to. there is a study guide and homework that i am supposed to do.  i have only completed my homework once.  i choose instead to sit next the teacher, my friend bethy, and copy her work.  shameful i know, but i do take things away from the class. 

a few weeks ago, there was a message that i had to draw on today.  the message was: don't say things that only make yourself feel better.  this is sometimes a really hard thing to do.  having the ability to bite your tongue or as beth moore would say tame your tongue is a skill.  one that needs to be practiced. 

a person from my past has been super persistent in maintaining a relationship.  the more time that goes by and the constant barrage of messages and conversations i have with this person the more i want to have a throw down.  little things keep coming up, snippets of information that are putting pieces together, and i don't really know how to handle all of them.  as the puzzle is being built i am seeing a picture that i don't want to see.  it makes me angry. 

i want to assault this person with truths, my feelings, and their actions that were hurtful.  i am not sure how it would be received.  would my words fall on deaf ears or would they resonate for the better?  there is no way to predict the outcome and this is where the message keeps popping up.  like a neon sign that flashes in the back of my head.  the cartoon angel on my shoulder reminding me to tread carefully.  the airplane sky writer sending me a personal message.

in the short term, a full on assault with my words would bring me satisfaction.  however i know myself too well and know that in the long run i would feel bad.  i would be upset with myself for causing someone else unnecessary grief.  there really isn't anything for me to gain.  i have shared enough times (when i was directly in the situation) that dragging it up now would only be for revenge.  i would prefer that this isn't a characteristic (revenge seeker) that comes to mind when i or anyone else thinks of me.

maybe that message will stick with you?  maybe you will choose to hold back, tame your tongue, and choose your words more carefully? 

cure: chocolate covered gummy bears...

today is turning out to be a tougher than usual day.  i can't quite pinpoint the cause, but i have been on the verge of tears since i woke up.  i don't like days like this.  they leave me discouraged.

i have tried all my regular pick me ups.  an extra cup of coffee with extra creamy creamer.  scanning the humor section of pinterest.  chatting with my favorite cowboy.  but nothing seems to be working.  the only solution i see is chocolate covered gummy bears.  

my kids will be leaving today for the weekend.  this always puts me in a mood.  cure: gummy bears

i have mount monster zit smack dab in between my eyebrows.  it is ready to erupt.  it is painful and i can see it in my line of vision.  it hurts and is giving me a headache. cure: gummy bears

i am missing someone today.  cure: gummy bears

i am frustrated with a person who is persistent.  cure: gummy bears

my skivvies today seem to have a mind of their own.  cure: gummy bears

i'm hungry.  cure: gummy bears

i have a monster bruise on my massive bicep that hurts like the dickens.  cure: gummy bears

i can't seem to warm up.  cure: gummy bears

see there is just too many things going awry today and clearly the only cure is chocolate covered gummy bears.

inadvertently sexy...

 heels

lingerie

pencil skirts

cigarette pants

a fitted sweater

it is fun to be a girl!

i am a girly girl.  i love all the make up, futzing with my hair, dressing up, and feeling sexy.  however i am not the girl who wears all the latest trends, or looks jaundiced from too many trips to the tanning salon, or needs to apply/remove their make up with tiling tools, or has a punch card at the plastic surgeons office.  i am comfortable in my own skin and i don't think i need too many enhancements.

i work in an attorney's office.  i am required to dress professionally.  i dress pretty conservatively, but i have been known to jazz it up a bit.  today is one of those days.  i will describe my outfit so you can get a visual, i have on a cream crew neck cashmere sweater, a wool pink a-line skirt to the knee, gray (or grey) fishnet stockings, gray heels and a gray and cream paisley scarf.  the fishnets are my jazz, but there isn't anything overtly provocative about this ensemble.

it could be.  stay with me for a sec.  i could be wearing my wonderbra max that adds two cup sizes (we all know i could use some help in this area of my figure), a skin tight, low cut, scoop neck bandage inspired dress that barely skims the top of my thighs, my gray fishnets and a pair of sky high stilettos.  do you have an image in your head?  i do.  this woman is oozing sex.  which i must say is not really office appropriate, or at least not in my office.

so i put on my facebook status this morning in heaven....grey fishnets and grey heels.  this seemed like a pretty benign statement for a thursday morning, but i am wondering if my status is showing up differently on other computers?  you know, somehow morphing into exhausted from a long night of hooking, can't wait to take of my fishnets and heels.  if you are getting this message it is completely bogus! 

so i am here to tell you that it is possible to wear fishnets during daylight hours and not look trashy.  i actually own four pairs; black, gray, purple, and nude.  depending on what you pair the stockings with will depend on how sexy or demure your ensemble will look. 

just for fun here is a snippet from the sexy fishnet clad ladies of burlesque...

winter butt...

jello. a concoction of water, sugar, artificial flavoring and gelatin.  it is squishy yet holds it shapes unless it gets warm and then it melts, but it isn't a frozen treat.  it jiggles and dances on your spoon.   you can cut it into shapes or put it in a mold.  jello comes in a plethora of flavors, my favorite is strawberry-banana.  jello is good.

dimples.  indentations on the surface of your skin.  usually found on the cheeks or chin.  this is a genetic trait.  both my kids have dimples in their chins.  ash's is more prominent than p's, but they both received this feature from their father.

cottage cheese.  an unstrained, unpressed cheese curd product. you can get it full fat, mid fat and fat free.  when i was really little i remember this kid at daycare who loved cottage cheese, but only ate it like a dog out of the bowl.  it was a digusting process to watch and turned me off, i refused to try it until later in life.  despite all of my food texture issues, this salty cheese treat is one i enjoy.

how come all these things are yummy or cute unless you are using these words to describe your butt?  my  winter butt can be described by all of these words.  it is squishier than i prefer similar to jello.  depending on the way i am viewing (i do look at it sometimes) it, it can resemble a cheese curd product and there seems to be a few extra dimples besides the two that are always right above my buttocks.

sigh

i think we all, men and women, know where we carry our weight.  when i pack my face and don't exercise at all i add extra layers to my butt and thighs.  this is a pretty common place for women to carry extra weight.  if that extra weight could fill up my deflated breasts that would be nice, but i haven't been that fortunate. 

i know what i need to do, but seem to lack the inspiration, drive and motivation to get off my ass.  i should start running, my group of peeps is running the st. patty's day dash again.  i could use my bosu.  i could add some more vegetables and remove some pepperoni.  maybe add a little mattress dancing?  oh wait that would mean i have a consistent man in my life, scratch that.  i could do lunges up and down the hall at work on my forty two trips back and forth from my desk to my bosses desk.  do i get extra points for doing lunges in heels? or maybe i should just do nothing. 

there is a scene in the movie eat pray love that is sticking out in my head....



so there you have it.  what exactly is my plan of action?  i have no real concrete ideas.  i do know that i am not pleased with my current butt situation and that action is necessary.

factory is closed....

i burst out of my coma with a check list of things to get done; clean bathrooms, revamp online dating profile, don't have anymore kids....wait...what?  i picked up my phone.  yes, i am one of those annoying people who is so addicted to my phone i sleep with it.  3:00 A.M.  was staring me down.  i put my phone back down, told myself goodnight, and rolled over hoping that sleep would find me again for just a few more hours.

well it is now 4:49 and i am still awake.  i haven't cleaned the bathrooms, because really that is just crazy town to clean bathrooms at 3 in the morning, but i did revamp my profile.  not sure it will do any good, but an item checked off my list.  now i am sitting here with number three; don't have anymore kids.  this is a weird thing to have on my checklist.  hmmm...

i am going to start with this, in the world of online dating i am shocked and amazed at the amount of men my age who haven't been married and don't have kids but want them.  there is a part of me that says, "kuddos to you bro you didn't settle."  the other part says, "what's wrong with him?  is he hard to please?"  i don't know their life stories, the why's, what's, when's or how comes? so i really shouldn't be so quick to judge, but i do wonder and if i have the opportunity i ask.  the down side to the man who is in his mid 30's and still is looking to have kids...he isn't going to find that with me.

this is a subject i have put a lot of thought in to.  i have some good reasons, at least i think they are good reasons.  i will say it is a nice idea, to create a life born out of new undying love is a beautiful thing.  bring on the rain storm.  you might need your umbrellas.

i always knew that i wanted to have kids, but nobody goes into marriage thinking, "10 years from now we will be divorced, so let's have kids together".  sharing custody, child support, divvying up holidays, attempting civility is all a bunch of bunk.  why on earth would i risk having two men to do that with?  just hand me a one way ticket to the loony bin now. 

i don't ever want my kids, the ones that i have now, to feel upstaged by a new baby.  not just any new baby, a new baby with my mr. right forever.  subconsciously i think i would treat that new baby just a little bit differently.  when i look at my kids now i see them, individual humans, i don't see their father or the life i used to have.  would that change if i had a new baby with my new happy life?  i'm sure there are those who can weigh in on this, but like always this is just my own thoughts.

or how about the simple fact that i am just getting old.  i don't want to be one of those "old" parents.  starting over with diapers, midnight feedings, strollers, loads of crap that you have to travel with...oh my goodness that sounds terrible.  my kids are at an age that they don't need me as much and can be somewhat self sufficient if i stay out of the way.  we can joke around and they get my humor.  let's be honest, i am halfway through their youth before they are officially adults, why would i want to add another 20 years until they are out of my hair?

so there you go.  i've checked off two things from my 3:00 am checklist and bathrooms aren't one of them.  maybe i will get to those bathrooms in a little bit. 

just taste it...

my belly is round with pleasure.  i am rocking that "3 months pregnant" look.  you know that look right?  your abdomen is poochy, distended, still squishy.  it's hard to tell if you have eaten too much, are carrying some extra water because you are coming up on your favorite monthly visitor, or you are indeed nearing the end of that first and usually awful trimester.  well i am not pregnant just happily full.  whoever invented elastic is genius.  i would be in a world of hurt right now if i was in say a pair of jeans or a girdle.

i have become a pinterest addict.  i love the food section.  i am constantly pinning recipes that i want to make.  some i will probably never ever make, but tonight i made one that i have been wanting and waiting to make.  i think that we all foods that we consider our comfort foods.  for some it is homemade mac-n-cheese, definitely one of my favorites.  for others it might be mashed potatoes with gravy.  puke!  i don't like potatoes and for me burying the potatoes in gravy does not make them taste better. 

one of my comfort foods is lasagna.  cheese.  sausage.  noodles.  cheese.  sauce.  i mean really what is not to love?  eating lasagna is heavenly.  preparing lasagna is a tedious chore, one that i don't do often.  i dust more than i make lasagna.  it takes just as long to prepare it as it does to cook it and you consume it faster than you can spell L-A-S-A-G-N-A.  not to mention the mountains of dishes in your sink.  complete pain in the rear.  so when i stumbled on lasagna soup, yes you read that right lasagna soup, i was completely intrigued; no layering, no grating blocks of cheese, no boiling noodles then letting them cool so you don't burn you fingers, less dishes and virtually same taste?  sweet!  the soup met and exceeded my expectations.

i consider myself a pretty darn good cook, but i haven't always been.  my early years of cooking had many flops and to no surprise i have a lasagna disaster worth telling.  i don't remember exactly how long ago it was but i know that my ex was still in his apprenticeship and we had another apprentice staying with us, john.  in an effort to be the perfect hostess and perfect wife i prepared a feast for my two hardworking men, too bad it was disgusting.

it took me all morning to prepare the lasagna so i could have it on the table when the boys came home.  i remember while i was browning the sausage that it smelled funny, but i couldn't place my finger on why.  it was most definitely ground sausage, it wasn't rotten, but it smelled funny.  i decided to proceed and assembled the whole 9x13 pan, it looked fabulous. 

the boys came home.  the table was set.  the house was filled with a wonderful aroma, not the same lasagna aroma, but still wonderful.  it was like walking into grandma's house.  i was so proud of myself.  i had pulled it off.  or so i thought.  the boys sat down and i pulled this perfectly done lasagna out of the oven and set it in the middle of the table.  i think we all kind of gasped at the perfection of it.  i cut huge slices and placed it on their plates.  they dug into it before i had a chance to say grace.  inside i was smiling.  my smile quickly faded.  neither one of them took another bite and they both had this screwed up look on their faces.

"is there something wrong with it?"  i asked.  "just taste it."  so i took my first bite and new instantly there was something really wrong.  remember, the sausage had smelled funny but i couldn't figure out why?  well, there was definitely something wrong with the sausage, it was maple sausage!  oh my word.  i have a whole pan of maple sausage flavored lasagna.  john started laughing and said, "i can't decide if i want a side of eggs or more garlic bread."  the boys laughed like hyenas and i turned the color of the tomato sauce. 

this was a serious rookie mistake.  i learned that maple flavored sausage comes in bulk instead of just links. i don't know why?  i can't think of reason when you need bulk maple sausage, but someone must use it this way.  i also learned that lasagna is not good with breakfast sausage, even in a pinch this is not a good substitute.  unless you are pulling a prank on someone don't ever try it.

so there you have my very own lasagna disaster.  i have never made that mistake again.  my kids got a good giggle hearing this story for the first time, hope you did too.  

maybe i should get another cat...

i own this book.  go ahead laugh.  i suppose it is fitting that i have this book, scroll back and see all my dating experiences.  i would love to tell you that it lives cozied up with my Bible, since this is the bible of dating, but it doesn't.  that would be too perfect.  my dating bible doesn't have any dog eared pages, or highlighted sections, or passages that i have extracted and posted to my mirror.  it is in pristine condition because i have only looked at it one time, it was the day i received it. 

oh you thought i purchased it?  no sir.  it was a gift from my most favorite man, aside from my dad and my son (he's a man in training).  the reason for the gift marked a special day in our relationship, our frienniversary.  i didn't realize we were exchanging gifts to mark our anniversary so i failed to get him something.  i can be a crummy friend.

anyway, we sat nestled on my couch, laughing our sides out at the ridiculousness of this manual.  you can find anything from hygiene, to a checklist for the ten minutes before your date arrives, to how to avoid date rape.  anything you want to know you will find here.  there is one exception.  one question that is not answered...why is dating so freaking hard?  

there are so many single men and women looking for the same things; a companion, someone who gets them, and someone who encourages growth as an individual but also as a couple.  how can there be so many singles and so few connections?

i am beginning to think that it might actually be really hard to include someone into my life.  with every passing day of being single i become more and more cemented in my ways.  i like my dishwasher loaded a certain way.  i fold clothes a certain way.  i cook foods that i like.  i have my holiday traditions that i don't want to change.  i go to the same places for entertainment.  i don't have to check in with anyone, except my parents on a weekly basis. 

my routines make me rigid, less flexible.  i know from previous experience (matt) that i can alter how i do things to an extent, but truthfully i don't want to have to change things too much.  is there really someone out there that will fit seamlessly into the life i already live?  i keep reminding myself that when i meet the right person all the pieces will fit.  all the things that i worry about will seem like nonsense.  

until then maybe i should get another cat?  ha!  just kidding.

. 

thank God...

what if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

i read this sometime last week.  i wrote it down on a sticky note and it has been staring at me for the last several days taunting me, answer the question flo.  the answer to this question makes me uncomfortable.  really uncomfortable.

if i woke up today with only the things i thanked God for yesterday...i would have NOTHING!  you read that correctly, nothing.  i would wake up in my cozy bed to an endless void of nothing.  as soon as my eyelids parted my cozy bed would vanish and i would drop.  drop onto what i am not sure.  i don't know where you stand or exist when you are in a void of nothing.

the picture in my head is white.  just a plain white space.  there is no sky or ground.  there is no horizon.  there is no noise coming from me or around me.  it is neither cold nor hot.  i can't imagine how terrifying this would be.  would i walk, if i was able to?  if i did would it seem like i was getting somewhere?  would there ever be an edge to the white?  this image is spooky.

i am a religious individual, but not a shove it down your throat religious individual.  i consider myself a Believer of God, but i don't talk to God everyday.  not even every other day.  i tend to have my conversations or pleas when i feel my world shattering, or what i interpret as shattering.  for some reason this also happens to be the time i skip church. 

sometime in early 2011 i posted about this, but i don't quite remember which one it is in.  in a nutshell i was saying that i look around the sanctuary at the seemingly happy, traditional families and wish i had that.  i feel like people are looking at me and judging my situation, which logically i know isn't true.  there was a bunch more to what i said, but this is the gist of it.

anyway, the question above makes me uncomfortable because what if this really happened?  would i want to carry on?  maybe this is what hell is?  a white void without any importance.  without any comforts.  without any of the people i love.  to me, this is far worse than the image i think most of us conjure up when we think of hell.

this makes me think of something else.  what if you when you go to bed you thank God for whatever and you die while you are sleeping?  and what if only those things you were thankful for the night before are what is with you in heaven?  thinking of the question this way makes me create a long mental list.

i guess you can see why contemplating, thinking, and examining this question has made me uncomfortable.  i hopefully won't know the answer for a very long time.  i've been given a second chance to live a life being a better more authentic me, i need some time to execute that life.

drama queen...

P has a flair for the dramatics.  it's not always easy to tell if she is just being drama or if she is really having trouble.  i don't always take her seriously.  part of the skepticism comes from how i was raised and the other is that she is over the top about everything.

we celebrated her 10th birthday on friday with her 3 closest friends; tay, abs, and soph.  the night included a buffet of overly processed fried food, candy, soda, and ice cream.  top that off with a late night of giggles and little sleep.  the next night she stayed at soph's house for another late night and less than healthy smorgasbord. 

upon her arrival home on sunday night she fell face first into a pile of blankets and pillows stating, "i don't feel good."  my first thought was duh, you've had a weekend full of partying what do you expect?  i picked her up out of the mass of linens, held her on my lap (which by the way at 10 she is getting big, but i will pull her on my lap forever) and said, "i'm sorry beauty.  just lay here on the couch for a bit."  i did feel her forehead, it was warmer than usual, but i didn't believe she was ill.

sometime in that hour when most people are sleeping she climbed into bed with me, "mom i still don't feel good."  i have learned over the years that if i don't open my eyes i can stay somewhat asleep, so with my eyes closed i said, "okay, just go to sleep."  i am really sympathetic to sick kids in the middle of the night.  okay maybe i am not, but this mamma needs her sleep.  it is often interrupted by my over active brain, bad dreams (mine and the kids), or a sound.  you know those sounds in the middle of the night that wake you up?  you freak yourself out and can't get back to sleep??  that happens to me all the time.  anyway, 6:00am monday morning comes way too early when your sleep is interrupted, sleep is definitely a precious commodity.

when i was growing up my mom had some rules in order to stay home sick.  one...you had to have a fever.  there really wasn't any other reason we were allowed to stay home.  two...you had to watch fiddler on the roof.  this is my mom's all time favorite movie.  my sis and i were guaranteed an afternoon with a milkman, a matchmaker, the butcher and a tailor.  if you haven't seen it and enjoy musicals this is a pretty good one.  third...you didn't do anything but rest.  i have adopted these sames rules minus the movie.  i've had my fill over the years.

so with a fever over a hundred she gets to stay home.  i instruct her to make her nest on the couch and settle in for the day.  i had ambitions of getting a lot accomplished with my unexpected day at home; laundry (washed, dried, folded and put away), a little baking, getting my christmas village put away, cleaning the bathrooms and straightening up a bit.  let's see what did i get done? nothing, i parked my rear on the couch for a little snuggle session and never got up again.  i chose instead to expand my winter butt.

the term winter butt makes me think of my life from many moons ago.  when my ex husband and i were dating, we had a group of friends that consisted of two other couples.  one of the couples was really into body building.  during the off season (winter), when they weren't getting ripped, they ate a little dirtier, didn't spend their whole life at the gym and were in better spirits (really i'm just referring the male half of this couple, he was such a bear during competition season).  anyway, he is a big man, and when not competing even bigger.  we used to tease him about his off season fanny, "get your winter butt in here".  makes me giggle.

after two days of a fever over a hundred and one restless night due to screaming and sobbing she went to the doctor.  i guess a raging ear infection will cause such discomfort.  come on i'm not a doctor, how was i supposed to know?  if i raced her to the doctor every time she said, "i am so weak i can't even lift my hand." in a barely audible whisper, i might get the reputation of being a hypochondriac over bearing neurotic mother.  this isn't a title i want, instead i have the title of why didn't you bring her in sooner mother? 

a sick day, or two, with my daughter is heaven.  to have that one on one time when she falls asleep on my lap is priceless.  i miss the days when i could hold her on my chest and we rested on the couch.  although she is a pathetic sick person, i secretly love that she needs me so much.  as she gets older she believes she needs me less, and although i encourage independence, i still love the days she needs her mommy.

chameleon ways...

i started writing while i was separated.  for some reason today i decided to read through it.  i came across a couple of paragraphs that scared me.

i have completely immersed myself into being the perfect wife and the perfect mother and block out most everything else.  i have stopped seeing my friends from my previous job.  at this point i really don't have any friends that i do things with or talk to.  i have isolated myself from the rest of the world and focused on my home, my child and the baby on the way.  i am isolating myself from everything just as he is isolating himself from our family.  although i will never be an addict my behavior mirrors his behavior a good majority of the time.  when he isolates so do i, when he focuses on just one thing so do i, if he decides that he is going to stop talking to his friends i stop talking to mine.  i am not sure why i do this but in a way i feel more connected and on the same page as him if we are doing like things.  we are growing farther apart and our "family" is just beginning. 

i have no idea how to reconnect with him.  i have no idea how to bring up his addictive behavior.  or talk to him about his work.  or get him to explain what is going on with him.  i do not require him to participate in my daily life.  i do not press him for any information.  i make his life easy, no requirements just take care of you, i've got the rest. 

i read this and felt scared.  scared may seem like a pretty strong word, but scared is exactly the word that describes the feeling.  when i look at my life, my personality, the choices i have made i am reminded of a chameleon.  chameleon's change color to camouflage themselves in their environment.  it is a survival tactic.  much like the chameleon, i have typically adopted the characteristics or habits of the people i surround myself with. 

i don't like drawing attention to myself or being the center of attention.  some of you don't believe that for a minute because i am typically a vibrant, loud and boisterous person, and truth be told in small crowds or with my dearest friends i don't mind if they are paying attention to me.  however you stick me in a large crowd and the focus is on me, i freeze.  frozen like a popsicle.

one way i have learned to not draw attention to myself is to blend in. when i habitually spend time with the same person i start to adopt their phrases, their routines, their expectations.  for instance with my girlfriends we use the same catch phrases.  we say oh my word instead of oh my God.  we call our kids ratchets, this came about one night playing balderdash and the word was smatchet, which really means a nasty little kid.  for the record our kids aren't nasty it is just funny.  i feel that sharing certain things amongst my friends, having that commonality, strengthens our friendship, but i am getting at something deeper.

what scares me is that i felt like i lost myself when i was married.  i got so wrapped up in being the perfect mother, the perfect wife, keeping the peace, making our life appear normal and secure that i stopped being me.  i stopped doing the things that made me happy.  i stopped caring about myself and my well being.  i must admit that i don't think this is too uncommon for women who start families.  it is really easy to delve into motherhood and forget about yourself.  i am hoping that it was more of a motherhood thing and not a marriage thing.

the past couple of years i have been on a road of rediscovery.  i have spent countless hours examining myself,  my reaction to ups and downs, dissecting choices that i have made.  i have also spent ample hours focusing on things that truly bring me joy.  i feel like i have a pretty good grasp of who i am.  i love loads of things about heather and despise a handful of things about heather, but overall i think i am a pretty cool lady.

i am hoping that the next time around (i am speaking of my next forever) i will be able to have a better balance. there are things working in my favor.  i have a much better understanding of myself which i feel is the biggest change.  i have 10 years of motherhood under my belt, this is helpful.  i don't freak out about the little nuances of parenting, the kids and i have a good routine established.  i suppose the real trick is knowing when mr. right forever has entered the picture and not letting go.  sometimes i think he is already in my life and i just haven't found the courage to let it happen.

a random hello...

as you know, or maybe you don't and are going to learn something new about me, i am a crier.  i cry about everything.  i cry at movies; the justin bieber movie, toy story 3, and the notebook to name a few.  i cry at commercials.  i cry reading books.  i cry when i laugh too hard.  i cry when others around me cry.  i cry when i am mad.  i cry when i have something important to say.  i also cry when something unexpected happens.

this something unexpected happened this evening.  i was lying in bed reading my book when i got a text

hey miss marysville :)) just thinking of you....saw a couple dart boards and couldn't help but think of you :))

i could've told you just by the double smile smiley face who it was from.  i know only one person who does this and it has always made me giggle.  when i see the double smiley i think of a double chin.  i don't really know why but that is my first thought. occasionally there would be a triple smiley face and i would think either you are super happy or you need a face lift.  anyway, the way this person makes their emoticon is very distinct.

i recently shared a story about someone that i connected with.  it was titled sasquatch.  at the time i hadn't heard from him at all and the whole situation left me sad.  since i posted that, i have heard from him on occasion.  a merry christmas.  a happy new year wish.  and now the message above. 

every time i get a message i cry.  it probably seems super silly, but i do.  in fact i am teary right now.  the letters on my screen are blurry.  my nose is getting stuffy.  my eyelids are brimming with tears that will inevitably crest their rims and find a path down my face.  as predicted there they go, tears carving paths down my face.  sigh

i tried to play off this nice surprise message coolly but i failed.  instead of just saying something nice and witty back i inserted my hopes, wishes and selfish desires mixed into a congratulations on your new relationship.  i am such an ass sometimes.  what in the world did i hope to gain from that?  some sort of affirmation that our time together meant something?  that he still cares about me as a person?  that i am worth the time to talk to? 

the answer to all of those questions is yes.  yes i needed to hear that.  jesus i am pathetic.  pathetic with a capital p.  why in the world do i need that?   i have said this before, it has been a while but it hasn't changed, i am not confident in myself when it comes to men.  all the strength and courage and self assurance runs like a cheetah when it comes to men.  i turn into this weak snively woman who doesn't believe she is worth the affection and attention from a man. 

i wish i knew where this stemmed from.  i am not one who likes to blame others for who i am or the circumstances that i find myself in.  i am an adult who has the ability to make decisions and choices, whether those decisions are good or bad i am making them.  i have tried to understand myself and really evaluate the feeling of "not good enough", but i still don't have a good grasp on it.  maybe it is on the next horizon? 

anyway the text took me by surprise.  caught me off guard so to speak.  i don't want to not hear from him.  he is an amazing person, he deserves all the happiness in the world and the lady who captured his heart is a lucky, lucky woman.  i just wish it didn't make me cry it takes all the fun out of a random hello.

beat back love...

i bought this album on impulse.  it was at the check out counter and i thought he was cute.  oh my word i am such a teenage girl.  i was really hoping there was a poster inside, but there wasn't.  probably a good thing that might be a little weird.  can you picture it?  i have a man over (which is a rare occasion), we decide to take things to the bedroom (the dinosaurs roamed the earth the last time i had a man in my bed) clothes start flying, he throws me down on the bed, raises his head for a breather and his gaze it met with that gorgeous face (not mine).  definitely a mood killer and the inevitable question, "uh who is that?"  "oh you know my dream man."  said in the most casual nonchalant way. 

here's the problem with displaying your dream man (physically anyway, i don't know anything else about him).  if i happen to have a man in my bedroom (side note for the men, i am really into you if you've made it that far) there is now a standard to live up to.  a standard plastered right above my bed, the first thing i see in the morning and the last thing i see at night.  this might be a little intimidating?  i can tell you if i were to enter a man's room and there was some luscious woman plastered to his wall, i would be comparing myself to her.  how do i measure up? 

anyway, i am completely off track.  the title of this post is beat back love which is track three from the album.  it is an upbeat song about two friends, a guy and gal, the guy is always there for the girl and she doesn't see him as anything besides a friend.  the words of this track are resonating and making me ask myself some questions.

i have a guy friend, i am not going to tell you who it is because i don't want to.  he is fantastic.  we do lots of fun things together and always have the best time, but our relationship has never been intimate.  he knows everything about me and still loves me.  he has seen at my absolute worse, deflated in a heap of sorrow.  he has also seen me at my very best, like a shiny star. 

funny thing we have talked about "dating" each other.  this came about because of some off the cuff remark i had made and basically challenged him.  we did go out on a real date.  i will admit that it felt different.  i am not sure if it was because we went into it with a different mind set or because it was really different, but it was really nice.  so what happened?

i freaked out.  i didn't want to jeopardize what we have.  i am sorry but adding the intimacy factor changes the relationship.  i couldn't handle the thought that if we didn't "work out" i would lose my friend.  i honestly cannot imagine my life without him in it.  so friends it is.

ladies do you have that gentleman friend that is always there for you?  gents do you have a lady friend that you wish would see you in a different light?  ladies and gents is there really a way to go from being platonic friends to intimate lovers for a lifetime?  if you had the opportunity would you do it?

arcs of hope...

rainbows 

such a cool phenomenon.  i have never understood how they work or why they appear?  as a kid i was told rainbows appear when the sun and the rain are fighting for sky space. today the sun is prancing around the ring with a fist held high in victory.  hooray sun! 

there are many different places you can go to find the meaning of a double rainbow.  honestly i don't really care what it means, but i did find it interesting that when there is a double rainbow, the outside arc is a mirror image of the inside arc.  so it's colors are reversed.  i never knew that.  awesome!!  it is really hard to see in my picture i am not blessed with a Canon EOS 1Ds Mark111, i just have my iPhone camera, but the colors are reversed.

for some reason seeing those rainbows reminded me of my mom.  more specifically that my mom was my age, 35, when she found out she had breast cancer.  i can't fathom how she felt receiving that information.  i have no idea where she found the courage to tell us, my sister and i.  the faith, courage and strength it took to receive, treat and overcome cancer is mind boggling to me.

i look at my kids, they are a little younger than i was when my mom was first diagnosed, and wonder what would i say to them?  i often struggle with, how do i give my children information that is age appropriate and detailed enough to ease their curiosity without raising more questions?  it is tough.

i have never asked my mom, but i wonder how long she kept the information to herself before telling my sis and i?  i remember her telling us.  i don't recall her shedding a tear.  i am not sure i would have the strength to tell my kids something like that and keep my composure.  i get the concept of being strong for others, but i fail miserably at that.  i am an ocean of emotions.  i don't know how long i would keep it to myself?  who i would tell first?  or how i would react?  i really hope i never have to but i am sure the right words would fill the air.

rainbows

miracles

arcs of hope 

a reason to make a wish  

rainbows make me smile 

today they made me thankful for my health 

i love you mom

 i thank God everyday for you

 

the main attraction....

i woke up with this thought:  i am a preview to the main attraction.  what a strange thought to have floating through my head this morning. i don't usually remember my dreams and this morning was no exception there wasn't a dream associated with the thought.  just the thought. 

i haven't had much time to ponder this.  getting two "i'm not ready to get out of bed" children moving in the morning is a small miracle.  from the waking up, to the devouring of a hot breakfast, made by their amazing mother (yes i am talking about myself), and the final step out the door is utter chaos.  you would think by now that we would have the routine down?  well i have the routine down, but my kids are a completely other story.  oh well, i suppose it is all part of the gig of parenthood.

anyway, i haven't had time to think about this strange thought.  what does that mean i am a preview to the main attraction?   what main attraction?  why am i only the preview?  seriously, does anyone know of a dream interpreter?  or a i-woke-up-with-this-crazy-thought-in-my-head interpreter?  maybe i should google it? 

i'm not sure if you remember your dreams?  maybe you think that they mean something, like some sort of sixth sense, or premonition, or what have you?  the dreams i do remember are so wacky i can't make heads or tails of them, but almost always the same friend makes a cameo.  regardless of what the dream is, this friend randomly walks through.  it is like watching a movie and someone walks in front of the screen.  this friend never says anything in my dream, but always faces me and smiles.  so weird.

are you dying to know the friend?  probably not, but i would be if i was reading this.  i am very nosy that way.  so i will divulge the first name, kent.  i have known him since i was in sixth grade.  we went through all the awkward stages of adolescence together and have remained friends into adulthood.  i have some great memories of kent; bowling, shari's restaurant, barnyard commandos, song lyrics, notes in the summer through the mail, and most recently a great hike in the pouring down rain where we saw what we called a wild guinea pig.  it turned out to be a mountain beaver, but it freaked us both out.  kent is a fantastic person and i love all the cameos throughout the years.

kind of got side tracked reminiscing about my friend and dreams.  oops.  as you know i am pretty scattered in my thought process.  so i am left with this thought. not sure what to think of it?  not sure how to interpret it?  not even sure if it is directed at me?  maybe this is one of those things that is better left as is and not investigated?