my ice cream fell...

crestfallen...

adjective

dejected; dispirited; discouraged.

compliments of dictionary.com

there are times when i get my hopes up.  look forward to something.  get psyched about a new endeavor.  i have a skip in my step.  i am excited to get out of bed.  i have an extra big cheesy smile on my face.  i dress different (a little more spiffy, a little less drab).  i take extra time doing my hair and make up.  i sing more to music that has a quicker beat.  i have more patience with my kids.  my laugh seems to be a little louder, if that can even be possible.  my presence has just a smidge more joy to it.

sometimes it, whatever it may be, doesn't pan out.  doesn't come to fruition.  fizzles out.  fades to nothing.  those times leave me crestfallen.  this may seem dramatic.  realistically it probably is, but nonetheless i still have the moment.  big cheesy smile curls down at the corners.  my posture droops, so even if i have on a spiffy outfit it no longer looks spiffy because i am slumping like the hunchback of notre dame.  my inner glow is dimmed for a spell.  i might celebrate the discourage with a "break up" cd or two. 

i have a hard time hiding my disappointment which will most likely mean that my interactions will be short, curt, abrupt.  unfortunately my frankness will not be reserved for whomever or whatever caused the mood swing.  just ask my kids, they will give you a first hands account of my mood shifts.  i am that person who wears their heart on their sleeve.  for better or worse (there is that darn wedding mumbo jumbo again...it's still with me), i am an open book. 

like most of my blog posts there is a story that initiates the topic.  this feeling of dejection is stemming from one specific thing.  for the past couple of months the plans have fallen through.  maybe it is because the plan was never supposed to happen in the first place.  if it was, it would just happen easy peasy with no hang ups.  i wonder if the other end of the plan is feeling the same thing, crestfallen?  probably not, the other end of the plan isn't as emotionally charged as i am.

i have tried to adopt this idea of letting things happen and not forcing it, but i don't always succeed.  i don't think i am that different from others around me, when i want something to happen i genuinely want it.  maybe where i differ is that i daydream and fantasize about that something.  so when it fails to occur it is like my ice cream has just fallen off the cone and landed on the ground. 

i guess i am at that point of switching gears... instead of making the same plan that keeps falling through i need to try a different plan?  hmmm....