in the past couple of weeks i have felt like a schmuck. there have been several instances that i have had to turn away or been reminded of my weakness as a human. i am probably being a little hard on myself, maybe just a smidge, but we are historically our own worst enemy.
a few weeks ago there was a gentleman who gave his testimonial at church. his story is a savory life riddled with crime, drugs, hard time, rehab and recovery. it was a moving account and made me cry. the part of his story that spoke to me the most was that during his repeated failures he had a wife who stood by him raising their family. to my knowledge i have never met her, but i am in complete and utter awe of her. how did she find the strength to continually forgive?
my friend in spokane, who i will from now on refer to as spokane, and i were talking the other day. he was watching the show intervention. he asked if i had ever seen it. i told him i had, but that it was really hard to watch because it hits too close to home. spokane did not understand what i meant because i had not shared this part of my life. after giving him the abbreviated version he asked did you try to make it work?
i was a little irritated and upset by the question. my initial reaction was are you kidding? of course i tried. the question made me feel insensitive, uncaring, and unforgiving. all characteristics that i don't associate with myself. it was a reasonable question but my reaction was not. the question reminded me of the lady from church, how did she do it? and the bigger question, why couldn't i?
recently i introduced you to my confidant. this past week i asked the question would you have stayed? the answer was no. the answer came quickly, no contemplation, just an answer. this quick unthought out answer is usually a gut reaction and one that should be trusted. this brought on another question do you ever feel weak because you wouldn't have stuck it out? again the answer was no. wow! i was surprised that like myself this human would have left, would have removed themselves from the equation.
what makes the lady from church so different from me? so different from my confidant? am i weak? is my faith not strong enough? do i place more value on my own happiness and well being than she does? i don't have answers for any of these questions, but they have been swirling around in my head begging to be answered.
on the tail of those two in depth conversations (with spokane and my confidant) i received a phone call. i always hesitate when this number appears on my phone. i never know what the call will bring, what kind of emotions it will stir, and i still don't know how to end the conversation. i answer because it is my duty. this time the call made me catch my breath. i had to say that i couldn't help directly. i felt terrible, uncaring and insensitive.
after days of mulling, my emotions are still muddled. my hope is that with time those emotions will wane and not swing so far on the pendulum consuming the moment and occupying my every thought.
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