i've got to pee...

i have a funny to tell.  stop scoffing at me.  i can be very funny.  just ask my friend P.D., he uses an expletive when describing my funniness.  this story is kind of a moment of shame for me, definitely ranks in the top three, but has received giggles from my closest of friends so i figured it was a gem for the masses. 

this tale started on a friday afternoon.  i went to kirkland and met my special someone for some disc golf.  if you are my friend duedue you are going to say this in your best slurred slow voice i play disc golf.  i have actually purchased my own discs, have been practicing in my back yard and was ready to show off my improved skills.  i still came in last (there were three of us), but i was better.  here's the problem now, my accuracy is improving, but i lack the umpf to really launch that disc.  i might have to start working out if i am going to beat the boys.

anyway, after the game my special someone and i went for happy hour.  after an adult beverage (or two), several glasses of water, some delicious apps, laughter, a game on the telly and several hours later it was time to go.  i had to be up early in the morning for the big race with the ladies.  he walked me back to my car, we embraced a little bit and then i got in to go.  before driving home i chugged a bottle of water.  i know this isn't funny yet, but it's coming.  i have to set the scene and emphasize the amount of liquid i have ingested.

i'm driving home in the slow lane.  i tend to pick this lane when i am not in a hurry and just meandering.  candlebox is blaring inside my rig.  one minute i'm belting out the lyrics in my best kevin martin.  then my steering wheel is suddenly a killer drum set and i'm channeling scott mercado.  only to perform one of my best peter klett air guitar moments ever, when i realize that i have to pee.

this is not your ordinary i have to go to the bathroom when i get home.  oh no, this is your i'm going to wet myself in 2 seconds if i don't use a toilet now.  my mom calls these "pee attacks", i used to laugh at her when i was younger, i am not laughing anymore.  great i know that i have to pee real bad, but there is a slight problem i am on a stretch of highway with no exits.  for those of you who are familiar with snohomish county; i have just come across the snohomish river bridge, passed poop lake, and am directly outside of dagmar's landing.  there is at least 5 more miles before i reach an exit.

i really tried to hold it, i swear i did.  i was clenching harder than i've ever clenched before.  i was thinking of other things.  i tried rolling down my window, why i have no idea.  i thought about just going, but i have leather seats which means it would've rolled right out the back and saturated the back seat floor. ewww.  my only option was to pull over.

but there is another small problem with pulling over.  i am the worst outdoor pee-er ever.  i'm not sure what happens when i try to pee outside, but that part of my body seems to recognize that it is not constrained by the porcelain and gets wild.  there is not a stream that goes straight down, when i am outside, the stream is like a loose fire hose.  just as i was thinking this, i swear a speech bubble popped over my head and my friend hope's voice was saying i sit quinn down on the running board when she has to pee and we are on the road.  if it works for quinn i am going to give it a try.

so i pulled over.  i got as far off the highway as possible, in the grass basically.  i quickly shimmied across the driver seat into the passenger seat.  opened the door in the front and the back, this was my stall.  i got out, dropped trow, sat my bare bum on the running board, pulled my shorts forward and released.  ah the sweet release.  i can't explain how amazing that felt to empty my exploding bladder. the best part the running board works like a dream.

thank goodness it was 10 o'clock pm.  i was semi hidden by the darkness of the night and my make shift "stall".  although my calves were lit up by the headlights from passing cars.  i know you couldn't see my rear, but i am pretty sure you could see the lower half of my legs and the steady stream saturating the dry roadside grass.  i told you this was an all time moment of shame.

remember when you were a kid and your mom said everyone needs to use the bathroom before we leave, and you begrudginly went?  well i forgot this.  so the moral of this story is; a four door vehicle is a must for me, running boards mimic a toilet in my mixed up crazy brain and for heavens sake use the bathroom before you leave happy hour.