second chances...

are you a person who gives second chances?

 

i am.  go ahead call me a push over, a door mat, a softie, whatever.  i have my reasons, that i will share, but i believe in second chances.  i don't think that this attribute of mine is a weakness, i actually think it is one of the many reasons why i can be a good friend.

 

last week was a doozy of a week.  my romantic life fell apart, i had to tell someone who used to be super important to me to leave me alone, i talked to J (he will always hold a special place in my heart), i got a really nice email about how you never know when you will make an impact and i received an email of apology.  it's the last tidbit that i want to examine and has brought this question up.

 

the last time i spoke to this human was in april 2012.  at the time a heated exchange of words transpired.  this human said some horribly rude things about me that i didn't agree with but i listened.  well read, the whole interaction happened via text.  there was never an opportunity to have a discussion with our voices and i think this may have contributed to the nastiness. 

 

i have not seen hide nor hair from this human in 5 months, and then this...

 

I just wanted to take
A minute and tell you how sorry I
Am for the way I treated you wanted
To call you months ago and talk to you
But I got a new phone and had no way
To get a hold of you I thought about Stopping
In your work but felt weird about doing that.
Hope all is well

 

wow!  i was surprised to say the least.  of course i responded and said i didn't handle myself well either (because i didn't) and that i too was sorry.  we chatted for a bit, just to catch up and that was it.  i may not hear from this human for a while or ever, but i think it took a lot of guts to apologize and reach out. 

 

here is what i have learned in my thirty six years.  i am not in a position to understand why someone makes choices.  i don't have their life history.  i'm not privy to the thoughts coursing through their brain.  i don't get to feel what they are feeling.  the only piece i get is what they choose to share with me.  whether that information is truthful, how they really feel or just b.s. i don't know.  all i can do is make an assumption and put together as many pieces of the puzzle as possible.

 

if for some reason that human comes back at a later date and says, hey i was wrong.  who am i to say well too bad for you i've written you off for good ?  now with that said i may not be ready to accept you completely, i will for sure reenter with trepidation and be on high alert, but i will definitely give you a second chance.  i should mention that i am not a third chancer or fourth chancer.  really i can only take so much before it just isn't worth the turmoil.

 

so do you believe in second chances?  i imagine at some point in your life you have wished someone would give you another chance?  i know i have.  i guess what i am saying is to be open to the idea if it comes your way.

munchausen me...

Munchausen syndrome is a type of factitious disorder, or mental illness, in which a person repeatedly acts as if he or she has a physical or mental disorder when, in truth, he or she has caused the symptoms. People with factitious disorders act this way because of an inner need to be seen as ill or injured, not to achieve a concrete benefit, such as financial gain. They are even willing to undergo painful or risky tests and operations in order to get the sympathy and special attention given to people who are truly ill. Some will secretively injure themselves to cause signs like blood in the urine or cyanosis of a limb. Munchausen syndrome is a mental illness associated with severe emotional difficulties.

 

sometimes i feel like a munchausen me.  although i don't create physical symptoms, imagine illnesses, or get radical procedures done for sympathy and/or attention, i do share my life in a way that may seem attention seeking.  in some small way there is some truth to this, but it's very minute.

i have a tumor of doubt, the pain of insecurity, and the aches of worthlessness,  however this only part of me.  i bleed words so that i can stitch up those negatives with authenticity, cast with honesty and heal through truth.  i am not seeking attention, recognition or validation, but i can see how it could be seen that way.

i think it is so important to share our stories, our experiences and our results. we have so much to learn from the people we share our world with.  unfortunately we seem to live in a time where we are supposed to be perfect. have perfect lives, perfect houses, perfect clothes, perfect children, perfect jobs, perfect complexions, and perfect relationships. we are not supposed to let anyone know that we struggle, that we have imperfections, that we are human.  there seems to be shame in imperfection.

 

the other day i received an email from a virtual stranger.  i have only met this human once, on a tour, we became facebook friends that day and i haven't had any interaction with them since.  i was somewhat surprised to receive this email, but it came at the most perfect time.  here is an excerpt from the email

 

What I'm trying to say is thank you. I know that people don't know how they or something they say, write, post whatever format information was passed on can affect someone else. I wanted to say that sharing your story has affected me and I appreciate you sharing your life good, bad and everything in between.

 

it can be scary to share who you really are with those around you.  our world is unaccepting of many things, but there is freedom in authenticity.  you may not be received well by all, but your story is important and shouldn't be hidden. 

 



sucker punch...

i think you are great, but... 

 

seriously just save it.  i know who i am.  i don't need you to tell me all the great attributes that i have that you are passing on.  it is a sucker punch to the gut.  wish my gut was iron clad so you would break your hand.  okay maybe that is a little much, but really how is telling someone i think you are great, but... supposed to make them feel better?

  

sometimes it's nice to hear it...

 

true.  this is a good point.  i think more often than not we point out others negatives, so it is always nice to hear positive things about yourself from another human being.  however, i think when you are telling someone that you are moving on, this is a crummy time to tell them.  maybe it's just me. 

don't even get me started on the cliches...it's not you it's me, i'm just not ready for a serious relationship, i have some things to work on.  my personal feeling is that most people are not purposely out to hurt others so we sugar coat or skirt what we really want to say.  the problem i see with this is that the person hearing it's not you or i'm not ready  is left wondering, well when did you figure this out because you were gung ho just a couple of days ago? 

so as you can probably guess i'm speaking from personal experience.  a recent personal experience.  recent as in friday morning recent.  i truly feel like i've been sucker punched.  first of all i was not the one who initiated this entanglement.  if i would've stuck to what i normally do i would've passed before it got started, the logistics just didn't work on paper.  however i felt such an electric connection with this human that i threw caution to the wind and jumped in with both feet.  seems as if i may have jumped too hard.  somehow i went right through the bottom and landed in a crumpled up broken heap.

i can hear the critics saying heather, you move too fast.  you trust too easily.  you should be more cautious.  well, i don't know how to do that.  period.  i give all of who i am from the get go.  you have my full attention with no distractions.  the downside, i tend to be the only one who has this philosophy.  sigh.
 
well what now?  i feel the punch.  i absorb the force of that blow through to my core.  when i catch my breath again i continue to be me.  i stay true to who i am.  eventually i will encounter a human that has the same philosophy as i do, who isn't interested in playing games, who will be in, all in and not hold back and is ready to go the distance.  i know it is going to happen.


past the front stoop...

 

my ex husband used to hate the question what do you do for a living?  he refused to answer it.  he felt it was really intrusive.  basically he didn't want to be judged on what he did and preferred that you didn't make an assumption based on his profession.  one would think he was a scum scraper by how offended he was by the question, but he's not.  he actually has a very good job and maybe that was it, he didn't want anyone to make assumptions about his financial portfolio.

anyway, that question has never bothered me.  i will tell you exactly what i do without any qualms.  i have learned to despise a different question.  one that i had never considered before...

why are you single?

 

first i had never intended on being single.  second i think it is a dumb question.  third, well i don't really know how to answer it without sounding like a stuck up snob or the neighborhood tramp.  not really, the position was already filled besides being stuck up is just so rude.  haha...i'm cracking myself up.  okay back to business.

i choose to be single.  this is a bold face lie not really the best way to start a new adventure.  i don't want to be single.  saying that is dumb.  i am not a human being who is meant to live out the rest of my days sharing the joys of me with just me. 

i don't have time.  this is only partially true.  in the beginning stages i don't have a lot of time, but i can devote what time i have to the special someone in my life.  i truly want to incorporate and include someone into my life, it is just a slow process.

men are pigs.  well as much as that seems true sometimes, i don't really believe that.  i think men are great, they add such an interesting, sometimes seriously annoying, aspect to life.  for the most part men seem to be very simple creatures which balances out the ultra complicatedness of women. 

i'm not ready.  again a lie.  i am more than ready.  itching, craving, salivating at the chops ready. 

 

if i knew why i was single, don't you think that i would do something to fix it?  i can say it isn't for a lack of trying.  i routinely and continually put myself out there.  although it may seem like i entertain a revolving door of men, there are very few who i let in.  this is the snob part...it is not so much that i think a certain man is good or not good enough, but there needs to be many things that line up for me to bring you past the front stoop. 

the smart ass side of me wants to answer this question very differently.  i've never had the balls to do it but someday...

random man: why are you single?

 

smart ass me: i have 7 children from 3 daddies, a stuffed animal collection that takes up my bed so i sleep on the couch, and i spent a good portion of last year in a padded room, but i'm not really sure why.  i think i'm pretty normal.  (insert cheeky wink)

 



piss poor mood...

F-you

 

really that is where i am at.  i don't swear a lot.  however this two word statement seems to fit today.  i can say with one hundred percent assuredness that my tolerance for bullshit is waning. 

 

i have been edgy, crabby, irritated, upset and in a generally pissed off mood since saturday afternoon.  i can't seem to shake it.  in return, my crabbiness is lurping into other areas of my life.  i am short in my answers, have less tolerance for obnoxious noise, no patience for arguing and well anything else that is bothersome i don't want to deal. 

 

really i am just pouting.  things aren't going my way and i being a brat about it.  short of having a foot stomping tantrum i'm handling myself like an oversized two year old.  does it help that i have other factors that are increasing my toddler like behavior?  maybe if i explain them you will side with me.

first of all i am exhausted.  i have slept maybe 10 hours combined since saturday night.  yes you read that right.  if you know me, you know that i sleep a lot.  that i value my beauty sleep.  not only do i value it i need it.  i do not function well without an adequate 9+ hours a night.  i seem to have sleep cycles; like a rock, like i'm on a rock, and nothing like a rock more like throwing the rock.  i am in the throwing the rock phase.

i cannot turn off my brain.  this is a problem i have been plagued with since i was a preteen.  i have tried all my tricks, but sleep eludes me.  i seem to drift off at some point, but i am only sleeping about 30 minutes at a time with hours in between where i am wide awake.  the plus side of being awake, i am getting in a lot of good reading.  i have finished two books this week and it is only thursday.

the other reason why my mood is in the shitter is because i am having my period.  ladies, i am sorry but as much as we want to deny that this affects us, it does.  on sunday, my bff bethy actually got up and moved away from me at the soccer game because i was in such a foul mood.  the sad part, i was really trying to keep it under wraps, but i wanted to rip someones head off.  that is a hard emotion to contain.  thankfully i am not that strong, i was in a mood to cause some serious damage. 

bethy and i had talked about it on tuesday and we were in tears of laughter.  she said i haven't seen you like that in months.  and she is right, i am not like that every monthly cycle, but this was a doozy and it is just keeps on coming.  sigh. 

so you see there have just been too many factors that are taking my mood from irritated to violent she beast.  at this point i need something to go my way, get a good nights sleep and stop the shedding of my uterus for heavens sake.  i've had enough.  i'm raising my white flag. 



cemented...

she is sitting alone hidden by the cover of darkness.  cemented in her insecurity.  wrapped in her tears for comfort.  searching the immense inky void for a pin prick of hope.

 

just my leading lady appeared in my dreams this time.  she is so sad.  it is hard to watch her.  i wish i knew what happened to her.  why she is alone.  why she is sad. 

 

she is on his side of the bed curled around his pillows.  hombre black rivers are coursing down her face.  she is whispering, so quiet that unless you saw her mouth moving you wouldn't know she was emitting a sound.

 

i can only imagine that she is saying a prayer.  praying that he will return to her.  that the immense passion they shared isn't over.  that they will find a way.

 

she is flipping through pictures.  smiling.  touching the glossy paper in a gentle manner.  tears are once again carving channels down her face.

 

i wish i could've seen what she was looking at.  i would like to think it is pictures of her and her leading man together.  it breaks my heart that she seems to feel it is hopeless.

 

she is once again lying on his side of the bed.  filling every space he had once claimed.  she wraps her arms around herself in a comforting embrace and drifts off to sleep, a single tear rolling down her cheek.

 

i am happy that she is finding sleep.  this must mean that she has stopped fretting.  stopped thinking about what happens next.  has given the battle over to God. 

 

the next thing that happened blew me away.  that dreamy leading man appeared.

 

he slips in beside her, pulling her close to his chest.  presses a single kiss on her forehead and whispers, "we are going to be okay".  she kisses him fiercely on the lips then settles into the comfort of his arms and murmurs, "welcome home".

who would you marry....

 

 if you were to get married tomorrow, who would you marry?

this was a surprising and strange question coming out of the mouth of my ten year old daughter.  i may have choked on my pizza, i can't really recall.  obviously i wanted to know a little more and asked what do you mean?   with a perfectly straight face she replied of the men you know, who would marry if you had to marry tomorrow? 

 

well i'm not going to divulge who it is, but i did have an answer.  i think my answer may have shocked her a bit, because i had to add a bunch of qualifiers.  the main one being she didn't exist.  in true preteen form she rolled her eyes and gasped a MOM!  she obviously didn't like my qualifier, but she wanted to know who.

 

if i didn't have kids or any type of limitations, i know exactly who i would marry.  if that person was interested is a whole different scenario, but that wasn't the premise of the question.  i wouldn't trade my kiddos for anything, but i would definitely have a different life without them.  she knows of him, but wanted to know why.  my list of attributes were as follows; intelligent, creative, hysterical and beautiful. 

 

more eye rolling with a mom, men can't be beautiful they are either handsome or hot.  i personally, don't use hot to describe men.  i do use handsome, but what is beyond handsome?  i guess i don't really know, so beautiful is what i went with.  she didn't approve.

 

we giggled a little bit and then she said well is there someone you would marry tomorrow and i could still be alive?  haha, love the way she worded the question.  this is a harder question to answer.  there are men in my life that i adore, cherish beyond words and love their company, but would i marry them?  no, which is probably why i am not with them.

 

you may be thinking, hold up flo what about your special someone??  this is a very good point and i have a good answer.  our relationship is new.  i'm still learning about him.  we seem to have great chemistry, many things in common, laughter comes easily, i am very attracted to him, and he possesses a lot of the qualities that i look for in a partner.  so what's the deal?  it's just new.  to say i would marry him seems premature although i want to spend a lot more time with him.

 

i have a rule of thumb, i don't ask a question i wouldn't answer.  this seems to be a fair and reasonable approach to question asking.  so i turned the tables on my daughter and asked her the same question.  you are probably guessing she rolled her eyes.  absolutely she did.  i was surprised to learn that she has two little friends that made the cut.  she had reasons for both; one being a really good friend and the other is a boy she thinks is hot.  oh my goodness i am not ready for her to use that word or think of boys that way.

 

so friends, mainly the single ones i don't want my married friends to get in trouble, if you had to get married tomorrow who would you marry? 

i've got to pee...

i have a funny to tell.  stop scoffing at me.  i can be very funny.  just ask my friend P.D., he uses an expletive when describing my funniness.  this story is kind of a moment of shame for me, definitely ranks in the top three, but has received giggles from my closest of friends so i figured it was a gem for the masses. 

this tale started on a friday afternoon.  i went to kirkland and met my special someone for some disc golf.  if you are my friend duedue you are going to say this in your best slurred slow voice i play disc golf.  i have actually purchased my own discs, have been practicing in my back yard and was ready to show off my improved skills.  i still came in last (there were three of us), but i was better.  here's the problem now, my accuracy is improving, but i lack the umpf to really launch that disc.  i might have to start working out if i am going to beat the boys.

anyway, after the game my special someone and i went for happy hour.  after an adult beverage (or two), several glasses of water, some delicious apps, laughter, a game on the telly and several hours later it was time to go.  i had to be up early in the morning for the big race with the ladies.  he walked me back to my car, we embraced a little bit and then i got in to go.  before driving home i chugged a bottle of water.  i know this isn't funny yet, but it's coming.  i have to set the scene and emphasize the amount of liquid i have ingested.

i'm driving home in the slow lane.  i tend to pick this lane when i am not in a hurry and just meandering.  candlebox is blaring inside my rig.  one minute i'm belting out the lyrics in my best kevin martin.  then my steering wheel is suddenly a killer drum set and i'm channeling scott mercado.  only to perform one of my best peter klett air guitar moments ever, when i realize that i have to pee.

this is not your ordinary i have to go to the bathroom when i get home.  oh no, this is your i'm going to wet myself in 2 seconds if i don't use a toilet now.  my mom calls these "pee attacks", i used to laugh at her when i was younger, i am not laughing anymore.  great i know that i have to pee real bad, but there is a slight problem i am on a stretch of highway with no exits.  for those of you who are familiar with snohomish county; i have just come across the snohomish river bridge, passed poop lake, and am directly outside of dagmar's landing.  there is at least 5 more miles before i reach an exit.

i really tried to hold it, i swear i did.  i was clenching harder than i've ever clenched before.  i was thinking of other things.  i tried rolling down my window, why i have no idea.  i thought about just going, but i have leather seats which means it would've rolled right out the back and saturated the back seat floor. ewww.  my only option was to pull over.

but there is another small problem with pulling over.  i am the worst outdoor pee-er ever.  i'm not sure what happens when i try to pee outside, but that part of my body seems to recognize that it is not constrained by the porcelain and gets wild.  there is not a stream that goes straight down, when i am outside, the stream is like a loose fire hose.  just as i was thinking this, i swear a speech bubble popped over my head and my friend hope's voice was saying i sit quinn down on the running board when she has to pee and we are on the road.  if it works for quinn i am going to give it a try.

so i pulled over.  i got as far off the highway as possible, in the grass basically.  i quickly shimmied across the driver seat into the passenger seat.  opened the door in the front and the back, this was my stall.  i got out, dropped trow, sat my bare bum on the running board, pulled my shorts forward and released.  ah the sweet release.  i can't explain how amazing that felt to empty my exploding bladder. the best part the running board works like a dream.

thank goodness it was 10 o'clock pm.  i was semi hidden by the darkness of the night and my make shift "stall".  although my calves were lit up by the headlights from passing cars.  i know you couldn't see my rear, but i am pretty sure you could see the lower half of my legs and the steady stream saturating the dry roadside grass.  i told you this was an all time moment of shame.

remember when you were a kid and your mom said everyone needs to use the bathroom before we leave, and you begrudginly went?  well i forgot this.  so the moral of this story is; a four door vehicle is a must for me, running boards mimic a toilet in my mixed up crazy brain and for heavens sake use the bathroom before you leave happy hour.

silent treatment...

the silent treatment.  i am pretty sure we all know what this is.  i think it is safe to say at some point in our relationship life cycle we have all either been the giver or the receiver.  this is a way to punish you're partner in a manipulative way.  in every act of communication there are two sides.  in the silent treatment there is the giver and the receiver.  on one side there is a lot of control and power asserted...the giver.  on the other side you get three options; go bat shit crazy, don't give a flying f#!*, or kowtow...the receiver.  in the end this form of punishment is a mind game. 

let's say you are the giver of the silent treatment.  you feel your partner is being unreasonable or has wronged you.  in a two year old stamping of the feet sort of way you say fine, i just won't talk to you.  for an extended period of time, determined by me, i am going to remove myself from your life and let you see what it would really be like without me.  more often than not the receiver has no idea this is coming because the giver is in complete control of the situation.  they decided when and if it can be resolved.  in my opinion the giver is unnecessarily toying with their partners emotions . 

admittedly i have been the giver.  definitely not something i am proud of considering how crummy it feels to be the receiver, but i have done this.  here is the problem i have run into being the giver, i don't know when to call a truce.  at first i feel like i am really sticking it to them, oh yeah how do you like me now sort of thing.  but after some time passes i don't know how to get back into that persons graces and feel stupid for even putting us through it in the first place.  i have gotten much better, when i am in a relationship, to say i need a few moments to process my emotions, instead of just disappearing, but as always i am a work in progress.

being the receiver of the silent treatment is sheer hell.  you are not in control of anything, your mind spins, and if you are like me you go from being disappointed to confused to just flat out pissed.  there is no way for the receiver to handle this situation gracefully, at least not for me.  either i go totally straight jacket crazy.  which means i call constantly, text novels and stew thinking up every comeback in the world and justifying my ridiculousness.  or i just don't care and give it right back, which i think this is a bad sign for any relationship.  or i apologize profusely for something that i don't feel i was in the wrong for, just so it is over.  pathetic.  not only does option c not work, it comes back later on because it wasn't dealt with in the first place.

alright, you've handed out the silent treatment you are not speaking to this person.  you blatantly ignore every form of contact thrown your way.  how do you really expect the receiver to act when you, the giver, decides hey i'm ready to talk to you again?  is the receiver supposed to be elated that you've decided to acknowledge them with a hey babe glad that's over? or do you expect the hey a**hole, here's a taste of your own medicine, i'm not interested in what you have to say.  in my own experience i flip flop on how i will handle this until it is actually staring me in the face.  in most circumstances i tend to crumble like dry fallen leaves.

i am not in the business of head games.  i like to get it out there and deal with it.  with that said, i think it is perfectly okay and healthy to table a discussion until both parties are really ready to talk about it.  figure out your stance, let the anger dissipate and then come back to it with fresh thinking and a fresh attitude. however, i think this should be a joint decision not one made single sidedly to assert control, manipulate and/or get your way.

mug shot update...

this year i turned 36.  i had decided that it would be interesting to see between 36 and 37 when exactly i aged.  so i started taking my picture every morning straight out of the shower.  i stand up against the same wall, a super ugly, bare creamy colored wall.  i try to keep the broom that is in the corner out of the picture.  the same lighting, only two of the four bulbs work on the hideous light fixture over my vanity.  i have on the same thing, my very tired baby pink terry cloth robe.  my hair is not usually brushed, just out of the shower.  and well i look terrifying.  i use the first picture i take and don't retake a million times until i find one that passes my approval.  there isn't going to be one, i don't have that much time, and i probably won't do anything with them anyway.

a couple of times of month i download from my iphone to a folder on my computer titled mug shots.  this seemed a fitting title for these hideous pictures of me.  thankfully my computer is password protected this would not be good for me if this folder found itself in the wrong hands. 

when i started this i was keeping a journal.  i was keeping track of my weight, just so you know nobody should get on a scale everyday it is by far the most depressing thing in the world...i gained, i lost, i gained, i lost.  sigh.  i was also keeping track of what i was eating.  this was eye opening and i changed some things right away.  for instance i have cut back on my coffee intake.  coffee is really my only caffeine source, i don't drink soda very often, but i was consuming 3-4 large cups a day and i am down to 1-2.  not bad.  in addition to weight and food i was monitoring my mood.  did roller coaster pop up in a speech bubble right in front of the screen?  ha!  you aren't far off.  strange how you don't realize what a train wreck you can be until you write it down.  the last thing i was keeping track of was how much i exercised.  i will say this has inspired me to move a little more.  run an extra day a week, do some things at home.  i'm still pretty inconsistent but it is definitely an improvement. 

you may have noticed i said i was keeping a journal.  the journal didn't last very long.  i really did try, but it seemed like such a chore to sit down and hand write it all out.  i am really awful at routines that involve doing something.  wow, that made no sense, but hold on i will try and explain.  i've never been a regular flosser, vitamin taker, lotion applier, journaler, exerciser, etc.  i want to be regular at these and have tried all the tricks, but subconsciously these are not important enough things that i do them consistently.  i have absolutely no trouble preparing my coffee before i go to bed, or downing ten slices of pepperoni a day, or checking my phone a thousand times a day for updates.  these are important to me.  don't judge, i'm only human.

so back to the mug shots.  taking my picture every morning is horrifying.  i have this fantasy that freshly cleaned skin should glow and be luscious.  my face does not look that way at all.  have you ever made one of those old lady shrunken apple heads?  when i get out the shower my face is dry, shriveled and lack luster.  i told you it was horrifying.  it isn't until i add a healthy layer of moisturizer, and a few other girly things does my face look presentable and healthy.

as a woman in her late thirties...choke, cough, puke in my mouth a little...do i really have to admit that?  yes, as a woman in her late thirties there are two beauty supplies i cannot go without.  i have to put on blush.  ladies if you aren't a blush person you should be.  it doesn't have to be loud or crazy, but a dab of a pinkish hue really brightens the face and adds a bit of life to that dead aging skin.  i also have to wear mascara.  i can forgo the shadow and liner, but if i am not wearing mascara my eyes are nonexistent.  they are still there, but they got lost in the sea of dead aging skin.  

moral of the story, i haven't noticed any significant aging happening.  i have been taking better care of my skin this year and maybe that's because of the pictures, or maybe i'm simply trying to stave off the process a little.  at any rate it is still a fun experiment that i will see through until my 37th birthday.  wow that number sounds old!!

time out...

so the other day i kinda panicked.  well maybe i panicked a lot.  i was having a less than desirable day and it seemed like events were piling up.  if i had only one thing go wrong that would've been manageable, but when several things go wrong and there seems to be no end in sight, i feel like i am drowning.  at least i imagine that is what drowning feels like, i've never even been close to drowning before.  i can imagine that there is a sense of panic, terror, and fear.  alright, so maybe the feelings i was experiencing weren't quite the same, but panic was abundant.

i have to say i get pretty disappointed that i can't see the forest for the trees sometimes.  hopefully i'm not interpreting this wrong, but i take this as seeing each tree individually instead of a mass of trees.  i couldn't see each event individually, they were piling up and i got so overwhelmed that i turned into a raving b*@!#. 

just ask my ratchets.  i yelled at them for no reason other than they were kids.  a crime punishable by death on a day like the other day.  my ratchets took up arguing as their favorite past time over the summer.  they were embarking on the gold medal round the day before school.  i was not in the mood to referee this heavyweight bout.  at the end of three evenly matched rounds both contestants were gag ordered in separate corners.  ah a moment of peace and quiet for this run down mamma.

when the world seems to be stacking up against me, all my insecurities wander to the forefront of my brain taking center stage.  unfortunately this means i start question my romantic life.  have i ever mentioned how i suck dog balls when it comes to relationships?  well i haven't ever, nor do i ever plan on really sucking dog balls because eww, but the expression kind of sums up how i act...eww.  i have mentioned that i've been spending a fair amount of my free time with a certain someone and in true flo form i morphed into a super insecure version of my normal self.  ugh! 

anyhow, a week later and i can't even remember what the events of the day were.  clearly they weren't as opposing as i had made them out to be.  i should probably send myself to a time out the next time i feel that overwhelmed.  this way i can spare my ratchets and the other important people in my life. 

hello fall...

we are heading into that time of year where the leaves change colors, the sun is still shining but it is cool, we make heavier food, and the smell of baked goods fill our homes.  i love it.  no really, i love it.  after months of wearing practically nothing showing off too much skin, eating tons of salads which make me bloated and gassy, and sweating my arse off the change is nice.  you know i wish that whole sweating your arse off really worked because i did not lose my winter arse this summer.  this is a tad bit concerning.

 

i have been in the mood to cook, bake and then eat.  remember my winter arse issue, this is why it is concerning i tend to put on my protective layer through the fall so i don't freeze my arse off in the winter.  again, i wish freezing my arse off worked but it is just a silly saying.  in the past couple of weeks i have made a blackberry crisp, rice crispie treats, banana bread, and an oatmeal cake.  seriously i don't need to eat any of those things.  the funny thing is nobody in my house eats them either.  i am just baking for the joy of baking.

 

it's not just sweets that i've been creating in my kitchen.  i made a few batches of a basic tomato sauce.  my thought was that i could doctor them up for specific uses; a hearty meat sauce for spaghetti, make it a little thicker for lasagna, add some veggies and ground turkey and stuff some green peppers.  the possibilities with a basic tomato sauce are endless.  i pickled or brined a whole slew of garlic.  for some reason i bought the giant bag at costco.  i must've been craving garlic, but once i got it home i realized that i only needed maybe three heads.  what in the heck am i going to to do with a 5lb. bag of garlic?  pickle it of course.  i have yet to try it, but it looks real good. 

 

i pulled out my crock pot over the weekend.  so i have to admit i am not a huge fan of crock pot cooking, but it does have its purpose.  with soccer practice, wednesday night church, school and homework it can be a challenge putting a meal together and having it serveable at a decent hour.  in comes your crock pot.  on saturday, before going to a nine o'clock soccer game, i put a pork roast (not sure what cut, but it was roundish), chopped up a bunch of tomatillos and one jalapeno, dumped in some taco seasoning and cumin into the crock pot and let it do it's thing.  by dinner time the meat fell apart on it's own, i could hardly get it out of the crock pot.  we had pulled pork tacos (queso, cilantro, guacamole, sour cream and a squeeze of lime).  they were delicious, even ash ate them. since it is just the three of us i have a lot left over, so i am thinking i can assemble some enchiladas and have another meal or two.

besides food, which obviously i love food, i adore the weather of fall.  it allows me to pull out my boots, sweaters, scarfs and all the other cool weather attire.  i prefer dressing in layers, the outfits are just more interesting to the eye.  for instance today i have on a heathered grey pencil skirt, white ruffle blouse, cranberry colored cardigan and boots with plum fishnet stockings.  it is a divine combination.  i will probably be sweating my arse off by the afternoon (there is that saying again), but i love what i am wearing today.  i will make the sacrifice and who knows, maybe a millimeter of my arse will disappear?

i am so looking forward to evenings curled up with a blanket, an inviting fire crackling in the wood stove and candles emitting a soft glow.  i tend to crochet a lot this time of year creating hats, scarfs and sometimes blankets that rarely get used.  i read a lot more in the fall, curled up with a cup of tea in the corner of my couch.  doesn't this sound nice?  i think it sounds heavenly. 

in my opinion fall is the most romantic, peaceful and beautiful times of the year.  my goal this fall is to keep my protective layer to a minimum but still enjoy delicious homemade food, create a little more and slow down.  i want to enjoy life a little more instead of rushing through it.


presence...

for the past two weekends i have shared my physical space and filled my time with a certain gentleman.  i can only speak for myself, but i have thoroughly enjoyed his presence.  there is a sense of comfort, security and ease simply from having another adult in my presence.  it definitely helps that i really enjoy being around him, he is easy on the eyes and has an enormous zest for life. 

i'm kind of surprised at how quickly and easily i have grown accustomed to his presence.  clearly someones presence has been missing from my life and i am eating it up, gorging myself on the feeling.  it is just so nice to grab a random hug, an unorchestrated kiss, share a meal, curl up on the couch with an arm wrapped around you, or listen to anothers breathing in the middle of the night.  there is a different pulse in my home when there is another adult present.

unfortunately that presence is like a fantasy or dream.  it is short lived.  considering the newness of our time together, it is inappropriate for me to have him present when my kids are there.  this means that i will have to go two whole weeks before i can see him again.  will this prove to be too much and not worth it or will the separation spurn extra desire?  i haven't any idea, only time will tell. 

i am definitely hoping that there is more to come.  i truly don't want the last two weeks to be just that.  however the boundaries, restrictions and guidelines that govern my everyday life make the initial stages of a special someone challenging. 

dear (going to remain nameless),

you entered my life unexpectedly.  sometimes those random happenstance meetings turn into meaningful everlastings.  i cannot predict the future, nor do i want to, but i hope that our time together is not short lived.  i am looking forward to more adventures, more firsts, a deeper knowledge of you and more time together.  hopefully through copious amounts of strength, stamina, patience and communication our "relationship" will grow. 

yours,
h

the night shift...

 

my delicious dream couple is back.  i really do love watching their story unfold.  i suppose i am creating the story and maybe this is just how i imagine my romantic life to be.  well whatever, they returned and i am tickled pink that i got to spend a little more time with them.

the sun was just starting to crest and filter through the curtains.  she was sprawled out in bed sleeping peacefully.  he quietly slipped in and pulled her close, pressing a kiss on her forehead.  their bodies were quickly intertwined.  a slow deliberate exploration of her body quickly turned into a heated and hungry explosion of passion. 

i have some friends where the husband works nights and she works days.  i don't know how their life works, but this is how my dream couple's life works.  yes, i have my leading man working nights and leading lady working days.  i can see how this would complicate things, but when these two connect it is magic.

they laid together in the early dawn. he on his back, she on her side perfectly molded to his frame.  her arm draped across his chest, her leg mingling in between his.  they worked on the new york times crossword puzzle before drifting into a sound sleep. 

 

that is as far as i got.  they drifted back to sleep.  i can imagine that she fell asleep to the cadence of his heartbeat.