if you are traditionalist and follow what you should give your spouse on your anniversary than you would know that twelve years is celebrated with a gift of silk or linen. well, i didn't receive either of these. not super surprising i am divorced. however if i was still married this past month would've marked our twelfth year of marital bliss.
sometimes i wonder what if? what if we had figured things out and stayed married? where would we be? what would we be doing? would we have celebrated the day? this really is a miserable trap. i hate what ifs. the what if game is destructive and really serves no purpose other than to drive me bananas.
i don't only do this with my ex husband. i play the what if game with other encounters that i think could've been successful if only this or that. i received an unexpected text today reminding of a different time. it brought a smile to my face. but not long after i started to think, what if i had done things differently, would the outcome have been different? who knows and that's what i mean the what if game is destructive.
the what if isn't specific to relationships either, i often times wonder what if i had stayed in college instead of dropping out? i never really knew what i wanted to do, i was so young. actually i have no idea what i would do now, guess i am not driven in that department. i wonder if i would've abandoned a career after having children? i think about this because life has been a struggle since venturing out on my own and i am positive it would be easier if i had listened to my parents and made sure i had something to fall back on.
despite the fact that i land in a pile of what ifs all the time, i really don't want to spend time here. it is an enticing place like resting on a big white fluffy cloud, but it quickly turns to dark grey tumultuous clouds. i suppose if my what ifs were daydreams for the future instead of dwellings on my past that fluffy cloud would remain fluffy.
No comments:
Post a Comment