there is a huge downside to warm weather. it's not the fact that your beautiful green lush grass turns brown and brittle. or that your house feels like a kiln because you are too cheap to get air conditioning. or that you burn the back of your legs every time you get into your vehicle with the leather seats. it is the copious amounts of flesh that are exposed everywhere you look.
i am not exempt from this, i tend to wear less clothing because it just makes sense. however there is one article of summer clothing that i despise. if there was a way to avoid wearing it i would, but aside from going nude i see no way around it. this article of clothing is the swimsuit. there are many reasons i loathe swimsuits.
my first and probably most important reason is that you have to try them on. i am not, have never been, and probably won't ever be a person who tries on clothes (outside of jeans) at the department store, especially a swimsuit. first it's imperative you leave your skivvies on. lets say you didn't plan on trying on suits when you dressed for the day and you chose to wear a boyshort. now imagine yourself in the dressing room and you are carefully folding and tucking your skivvies under the hem of the bottoms. it is impossible to get an accurate idea of fit. also there is that "protective" papery strip in the crotch. well, i'm sorry but it makes a weird noise, it feels horrible and i think how many women decided well there is a protective strip so i'm going to go commando! nasty is what i say. i really don't like trying on suits.
if you are a regular reader you already know my body issues, but let's just review. i'm 5'8" in the morning and i'm all legs. i check in with my borrowed scale every week and i seem to hover around 128-130 pounds, although right now i'm up to 134 pounds and it is pissing me off. i know, i know pay no attention to the number, but come on, who doesn't give that number attention? for the past several weeks i have been really bloated, i'm pretty positive that's where my extra 4-5 pounds is. anyway, i carry my "weight" where the majority of women do through my hips, thighs and just recently my gut. sigh. now that we have that established back to swimsuits.
there are only so many options; your traditional one piece, a menagerie of two pieces, the tankini, and a monokini (which i have never tried). i have issues with all of these. let's just say i feel more comfortable in my everyday bra and thong than any of the other options. let's go through them.
traditional one piece this can be a very flattering suit. i actually own two of them; a solid red and a white with a floral design (this i was forced to buy because i forgot a suit on a trip and it was the only thing in my size). i like the idea of being covered up, not showing my stomach and saving something to the imagination. however, i feel like i can't stand up all the way, as if the suit is shrinking while i am in it. just imagine alice in wonderland with her clothes shrinking but her body isn't. my conservative flesh covering swimsuit has just turned me into the uber unflattering hunchback of notre dame.
the tankini in theory this should be the best of both worlds right? you can get a different size top and bottom and there is more coverage. there is one major flaw to the tankini. it's the flesh belt. the strip of flesh that is exposed between the top of the bottoms and the bottom of the top. you know that area commonly referred to as one's muffin top. if you are me you are constantly adjusting and futzing trying to keep the two pieces together.
the bikini this is a good option for those with different size tops and bottoms. i am this person, but i am not sure who is supposed to wear these things. tops seemed to be designed for an infant. now i am not a well endowed woman, in fact my regular bra says "nearly" on it. not even the full size, but i can't seem to keep my nonexistent, nearly-a-size breasts into a bikini top. they seem to drift out the sides, maybe this is because there is absolutely no structure to swimwear it is meant for lounging, but lounging means laying back and well gravity has its way. then we get to the bottoms, keep in mind this is where i carry my weight. they are cut so small that i get a second fanny, because half of it is over the waist band exposing 2 inches of crack. i'm not a plumber, i promise. and that is just the back, let's move to the front of the bottoms. they are cut so low that unless you are a hairless cat there is a little fluff showing. let's just say you attempt to cover your business in the front well you've just exposed an extra inch of crack in the back.
all of this and your swimsuit is dry. let's say for shits and giggles you decide to actually get wet in your garment that is designed for water. it grows! men have shrinkage in cold water, well women get a size larger swimsuit that we are desperately trying to keep in place.
in my humble opinion swimsuits suck! there isn't anything about them that i like. as i have mentioned i haven't found a logistical way around them, but i haven't given up.
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