daily contact...

so he's meeting your demands for daily contact?

 

here is a snippet from a text conversation i was having, who it was with or what the rest of the conversation was about is of no importance.  this one comment, phrased as a question, meant as an accusation has stuck with me.  actually has stopped me cold. 

 

do i demand that a potential suitor have daily contact?  in my first attempts at dating did i expect daily contact? you better believe it. i have been and still can be a needy bitch in that regards, but i don't ever recall having stated, "now when we start dating i expect, actually demand, that i hear from you every single cotton picking day or it's over."  first of all that would send the potential suitor running through town with a megaphone exclaiming "steer clear rabid wildebeest on the loose".  not really an impression i am wanting spread.  second i don't think i am that demanding.

 

however, it has got me thinking about my expectations when i am in a relationship with a fella.  as an adult my expectation is much different than when i was say a teenager in high school.  the few times i had a boyfriend in high school (few is too many i had two) i saw them five days a week and you better believe i expected some sort of communication.  i mean seriously if your boyfriend didn't talk to you at school something was up. 

 

my now ex husband and i met in august of 1994.  i didn't have a cell phone, i still lived with my mom, and i had a job.  if i reach back through the dusty cobwebs of '94 i'm pretty sure i talked to him every day.  i spent every spare moment i had with him, but if i wasn't in his presence i can guarantee that i talked to him from my mom's phone or my work phone.  in 1998 or 1999 we bought our first house together and we exchanged words daily.  i think it would be pretty weird if i lived with someone and didn't have a daily conversation, don't you?

 

what is this really about?  patterns.  humans are generally creatures of habit and it doesn't take long to fall into a pattern of behavior with someone.  maybe you and your significant are voracious texters and spend the whole day volleying banter. or maybe you only talk after work.  or maybe you only communicate once the kids are in bed. or maybe just on the weekends.  whatever the frequency you most likely have a pattern with your significant. 

 

in my opinion, it doesn't matter what stage of a relationship you are in (except for maybe the exit), connecting daily; whether in person, a text message, or a phone call is normal.  it isn't a demand or even an expectation it is simply the pattern the two of you have created.   

parallel paths...

 

we have been on a journey of parallel paths

always in view of each other

but not together

 

occasionally our paths come together

and we walk side by side for awhile

but ultimately drift apart

 

 

 

my last meal...

i'm about to embark on a seven day cleanse.  a strict eating regimen that is supposed to clean my system of every horrible thing i've ever ingested.  since it is the eve of my last meal, i had an extra helping with dinner.  which really translates to two tacos, big ones, and an extra helping of chips and salsa.  followed by a nightcap of a delicious brewski.  now i'm not sure if the beer was really all that great or if it just tasted better knowing i may never have one again.

just to be clear, i am not a dieter.  never have been, probably never will be.  i am however intrigued by these cleanse diets, toxin releasers and bringing my temple (aka my body) back to a purer form of itself.  i have tried many toxin releasing baths and magic pills that claim to cleanse your body but i can't say i notice much of a difference.  i understand that there is no quick fix or magic pill, but an extra boost can't hurt, right?

come to think of it, all of these crazy diets and magic pills remind me of chain letters.  do you remember these?  i recall getting them when i was a youth in the mailbox.  believe or not things other than junk and bills used to come in the mail.   there were strict instructions about passing on the exact letter to your closest 8 friends within a certain time frame.  this meant you painstakingly copied every word verbatim in your best handwriting, yes i said handwriting computers weren't commonplace in everyday households back in my youth, a lengthy letter with strict instructions.  once you had copied the letter 8 times, you carefully folded each one, placed them in a handwritten envelope (there was no peel and stick label you just ran off in your printer) and licked the stamp before affixing it to the top right hand corner.

if you followed the directions just perfectly a miracle would happen.  i must've done it wrong because none of the things i wished for came true.  i clearly remember sitting at the kichen table writing letter after letter and coming up with the best wish i could think of.  something along the lines of the new salt-n-peppa tape, or a new poster of corey haim, or that my crush at the time would finally notice me.  my wishes at the time weren't huge, yet they still didn't come true.

i still get this type of chain letter today.  now it comes in my email or sometimes on my phone, the time frame has been shortened dramatically but the number of people to send it to has stayed the same.  with the ease of "copy and paste" i think the stakes should be raised just a little bit.  instead of your closest 8 friends, it should be your closest 80.  oh come on, don't we all have at least 80 "close" friends in our facebook friend list?  this can't be that hard, just select the first half, you don't even really have to know them, copy, paste and send.  voila!  all you're wishes and dreams are on their way.

sounds silly right?  well that is how i think of these miracle diets.  so why am i partaking in this cleanse diet?  why not?  i figure i have nothing to lose except for maybe a few pounds, a few toxins and possibly my life!  okay losing my life is a little dramatic, but i tend to be that way sometimes.  *wink*

man eater...

alright, i have something to talk about.  shocking!  well not really, but it is something i have had on my mind for years.  something i haven't known how to address through written word let alone spoken words.  so i am going to attempt to clearly explain my position. 

i like plain old fashioned missionary style.  i'm just kidding.  that is not at all what i was wanting to talk about, but since i said "position", sexual positions popped into my head.  sometimes i think my mind operates like a 17 year old male who's favorite show is beavis & butthead.  he said, "wood"  followed by that incredibly annoying chuckle. 

anyway, i have a good friend who has loving labeled me man eater.  he says that i charm poor unsuspecting fellas, not poor in a monetary sense.  play with them much like a cat with a mouse, just long enough until i get bored.  then take a bite out of their hopeful hearts and spit them out.  i think that is a little harsh, but maybe he is right to an extent. 

i find the male and female friendship kind of tricky.  is it just me or do men and women not talk just to talk?  are you supposed to leave the personal side of you only for those whom you want a romantic relationship with and keep everyone else on a surface-y need to know basis?  am i living in a conversation nirvana that does not and/or cannot exist?

there are so many fascinating humans that i want to crawl inside of their brains and pick around for a bit, but that doesn't mean i want to bed them.  i enjoy conversation, volleying words back and forth across an imaginary net.   i'm not terribly picky about who it is with as long as it is intelligent, engaging and easy going.  alright maybe that is a little picky, but seriously have you ever tried to carry on a conversation with someone whose idea of conversation is an occasional grunt?  it is dreadful. 

if you have been with me from the start of this crazy adventure you will have read about several (i am hanging my head in shame just writing that) men who i seem interested in enough to see them more than once but then call it quits for one reason or another.  this doesn't even count the countless (my head is now between my knees with illness) men who haven't made the cut to even be talked about. 

this is what seems to happen, and maybe why man eater isn't so far off, i start talking with someone, we get along, i am totally happy with the exchanges of thoughts and ideas, but then comes an expectation that this infantile friendship is going to mature into something more.  i do try to be very upfront about my position (beavis & butthead just popped up again) from the get go, but that doesn't seem to always do the trick.

so what is a girl supposed to do?  maybe i am full of myself and completely read people the wrong way, but i really don't think i am wrong all the time.  maybe i send out the wrong message because i am sucker for the camaraderie?  clearly i have no answers, but i know for sure that i cannot give up the opportunity of conversation at the expense of misunderstood intentions.  this is simply an invitation for more conversation.

arch, suck, pout....

do you think of yourself as sexy? 

 

once upon a time, not too many years ago, i did one of those boudoir photo shoots.  at the time i was married, but desperately infatuated with someone else.  this is something i have talked about before, anatomy of my affair, something i am not particularly proud of but still part of my past. 

wow!  way off topic, bringing it back around.

there are times when i step way, way out of my comfort zone and try something completely out of character.  having a boudoir shoot is definitely out of my comfort zone.  i am relatively shy in regards to my body and truly don't view myself as sexy.  this is not to say i think i'm as unattractive as chewed up gum, but in my eyes i am closer to awkward. 

thankfully i have never wanted to model. maybe there is work for the awkward and strange? it is really difficult to position yourself and feel sexy. the mantra in my head; arch, suck it in, pout, woo. how in the world are you supposed to look natural?  i learned a lot about myself during the process

 

one, it is really hard to look natural when you feel like a circus contortionist.  i think the arch in a woman's back is ultra sexy, especially when you focus around the hip area. let's make this real clear i am totally one hundred percent into men, but i do find the female figure very beautiful.  step one, arch your back and accentuate your curves.  go ahead and try arching your back.  did your stomach pop out?  mine does. so really the directions should be arch and suck.  suck in that gut.

two, i do not have one of those mouths that can pull off the alluring pout.  these were my instructions; puff your lips just a bit then let your mouth fall open a little.  somehow this is supposed to give you that sexy pout.  as a former mouth breathing troll, i have worked very hard to not let my mouth hang open.  i couldn't relax my mouth enough to get that sexy look and where the heck are you supposed to rest your tongue? 

all i could hear in my head was the therapist who spent hours upon hours with me.  i had these ridiculous exercises that involved teeny tiny rubberbands that i had to stick on the tip of my tongue and hold up to the roof of my mouth.  you try feeling, let alone looking sexy, hearing your therapist saying, "close your mouth and hold this rubberband up with your tongue." 

three, bedroom eyes don't come naturally.  have you ever noticed the ladies in victoria's secret catalogue have the best "bedroom eyes"?   those ladies have perfected the "come ravish me" look.  i have not even come close to this look.  my bedroom eyes say "i'm worried" or "i'm trying to go number two".  neither of which is sexy or alluring.  instead of "hey babe..." i get "are you okay..."  sigh.

so why in the world is this coming up?  i am having the urge to do this again.  i feel better about my body than i did the first time around.  although i may never be able to pull off the sexy pout, i do love my smile and would prefer to draw you in that way.  maybe as a treat to me for my 40th, still a few years away, i will brave the boudoir shoot again. 

delete, delete, delete...

according to the all knowing singlehood gods, if you are single and looking between now (january) and march is the optimal time to find your partner.  apparently since us single folk have just spent another holiday season pining for a partner, we kick it into full swing to find that elusive person to spend the next holiday season with. 

hmmm.

i find this a little ironic seeing as how yesterday i deleted, yes deleted, my online dating profiles.  i did say profiles, plural.  i have been on at least one for the past three years.  as i have mentioned before i have met many nice men but only a handful that i would be interested in seeing again. 

there are a couple of reasons for the deletion but the biggest one is simplify.  yes, my word for 2013.  if you have never been an online dater, let me just tell you it is a huge time sucker.  i think we all have a need to be wanted.  i am no different.  i get completely wrapped up in checking to see how i rate among the throngs of single women out there.  silly i know.

so my plan, which falls directly in line with my word of the year, is to simply focus on myself and kids.  reduce the amount of time i spend looking for a suitor.  i have to tell you for my first full day not being on display has been very calm.  i haven't even had the urge to look.  clearly it was time for me to delete.

i am on the road to a simpler life.  yahoo.

simplify...

 

 

simplify

 

seems easy enough to do

make less complex or complicated; make plainer or easier

this is my word for 2013

 

my word for 2012 was spontaneous.  my life is very scheduled, especially during the work/school week.  besides being scheduled i tend to weigh the pros and cons of things before making a decision.  i was somewhat successful at having a dash of spontaneity throughout 2012.  not all of my spontaneous decisions were good ones, but they did make for some memorable moments.

 

so how does one simplify? 

 i have no clue. 

 

when i hear simplify my mind immediately goes to clearing out the clutter in my environment.  i will admit that i have a lot of "stuff".  most of it means a great deal to me, it is reminders of how full my life is.  i am not really wanting to declutter my surroundings, although i could stand to pitch a few things.  somehow living in a stark minimal environment sounds really depressing.  i am thinking that i want to simplify my behaviors to make room for more of the fulfilling aspects of life.

 

i am going to start by reducing the amount of time suckers i have.  yes i am referring to the ridiculous amount of games and social networking avenues i have on my "making me dumber" smart phone.  it is so easy to get completely consumed with responding, checking, and playing with my phone.  i find myself up late at night taking one more turn, or checking one more time to see if i've missed anything.  in reality i am not missing anything but sleep.

 

thinking my next step unfortunately involves more schedules.  so much for spontaneity.  i want to eat simpler, which means i have to plan a little better.  translation; meal plan, shop, make, eat.  already sounds simpler.  there is a fantastic side effect to meal planning which i will notice (hopefully) in my bank account. 

 

i would like to somehow simplify my relationships.  this ties in directly with social networking.  i have some of the most amazing friendships both virtually and tangibly, but i would like to be more present in my tangible relationships.  a couple of recent scares have made me realize that as i am aging so is everyone else in my life and that our time together isn't guaranteed.  i'm not sure how to go about this but it's on the agenda, be prepared to have more of me in your life.

 

what will you simplify in your life for 2013?

tu me manques...

tu me manques

 

a french phrase that means you are missing from me.

 

i found myself on the phone this morning.  for those of you who know me, i am not a phone talker, but there are times when it is absolutely necessary.  this happened to be one of those times.  a very good friend of mine was needing an ear.  i really didn't have the time, but this friend would've done the same for me.

to be honest i was dumbfounded and have been trying to process what i was told with the bit of information i was given.  it is easy to come to my own conclusions with only pieces of the puzzle, but i am not so foolish to think that i have a solution or even a grasp of the situation.  as i sit here absorbing the content of that conversation this french phrase is really resonating with me. 

there are times when we choose to be completely vulnerable with another human being.  we share our hopes, dreams, insecurities, and fears with them.  we feel it is safe.  i think as humans we all crave that safe haven.  but what happens when that person betrays you?  that person whom you have let visit the darkest corners of you.

in this instance the friend who i was speaking with has been betrayed by the one person they let explore their darkest corners.  this friend is now left holding pieces of a life they don't recognize.  there isn't a way to put them back together that makes sense.  i have a scene that is playing in my head, one that i have experienced at times in my own life and i feel this phrase encompasses... 

 sitting on the floor

surrounded by 1,000 pieces

small bridges connect

gaps emerge

but cannot be filled

you are missing from me

 

tu me manques

 



 

fantasy man...

 

 

 

sexy?  absolutely.

 

this is the image i had in my head, my body covered in head to toe fleece, knee deep in my refrigerator.  throwing away all the smelly forgotten delicacies, which weren't the only smelly things.  scrubbing the layer of scum from the shelves, but needed to scrub my teeth.  all the while belting out juice newton's queen of hearts. 

 

sexy?  hell no.

 

funny how when you are missing something from your life, for me it is intimacy, that very thing pops into your head when you least expect it.  i was minding my own business, performing an undesirable task, when a drop of scummy soapy water traversed the skin on my arm.  these days it doesn't take much for my imagination to run wild. 

i haven't looked it up, but if i remember correctly, don't women peak sexually in their mid 30's?  i don't remember having as many fantasies in my 20's and it took a heck of a lot more than a drop of soapy scummy water to make my mind wander. 

over the past couple years my mind wanders to some pretty racy scenes, but here is the kicker, the same two people are in them.  yes, one of them is me (that would be really weird if i was fantasizing about two other people) and the male person is the same.  he is someone that i know but i've never been intimate with, which i think makes it all more intriguing. 

this is going to make me sound certifiably insane, but just follow me.  the bodies aren't always the same and the faces aren't always the same, but i know it is the same man.  he, who i am not naming so don't ask, is very recognizable to me.  regardless of what mask he is wearing, underneath the shell he is the same. 

what am i talking about?  the essence of the man in my fantasy land is the same, always.  he possesses the same essence of a man that i know in my real life.  does this mean something?  who knows.  maybe it just means that this is someone who is important to me?  he is.  or maybe it means that his qualities are things i value?  they are.  or maybe it is simply "he is out of my reach therefor i want it" type of situation. 

whatever it all means i should thank this man in person someday. 
thank you for being my fantasy man



goodbye 2012...

2012 has been a so-so year. can't complain a whole lot, but i can't rejoice a whole lot either.  there are key things that i feel would've made my year stellar that are still missing, but maybe that's whats in store for 2013. 

there is this funny tab to view your top moments of the year.  i'm not sure i completely agree with this generated list, but it was fun to review some great moments.

Year in Review
Heather Bartlett

the actual page

according to facebook i made 77 new friends, liked 36 pages and had 20 memorable moments. i wonder how they compute the 20 most memorable moments? it must have something to do with activity on a post.  or they, which i picture a smallish fairy with sparkly wings, put all my moments in a giant upturned mushroom cap and randomly picks 20.  it could happen.

i have absolutely no idea what 2013 will bring, but i am hoping it is full. full of moments to share, moments to savor and moments to throw away. my life is far from perfect and this journey is treacherous, but i am always and forever hopeful.

thank you to all who share your life with me i am truly grateful to be apart of it.