anatomy of my affair....

i am at a point where i can talk openly about a topic that i have until recently skirted.  i wasn't exactly aware i was ready for this until the words popped out of my mouth, when i had my affair.  which i quickly followed up with look how much i've grown? i'm openly admitting it.   there is that saying the truth will set you free, well i am ready to be free of the emotional guilt that goes along with having an affair.

so i guess i should start at the beginning.  my marriage for lack of a better word was a train wreck.  it was very dysfunctional and i was an active participant in the dysfunction.  for the record, being in a dysfunctional relationship is NOT a free pass to stray.  i know that.  i knew that.  i consciously chose to abandon my morals, standards, and beliefs and pursue the feeling.

good morning sunshine. 

every morning this came through on my phone.  it didn't come from my husband.  it came from my obsession.  i say obsession, because that is how it felt.  i was addicted to the feelings associated with the adoration i was receiving from another man.  i couldn't get enough of it.  i wanted to hear those three words every morning for the rest of my life.  i was convinced that i would never tire of them and that my life would be perfect if i was with the man who was making me so happy.  my day started and ended with him. 

during this time i was a horrible person.  i lied.  i lied a lot. i lied to my friends, to my husband, to my kids, to my family, to myself.  the only person i was the most honest with was the man i was involved with.  he knew my story inside and out.  i hid things; my phone, opened a new email account, padded how long it would take me to get errands done.  i didn't recognize myself, i was doing things that i would never have considered were within the realm of me.  i didn't like the things i was doing, but i felt the pay off (having this man adore me) was worth it.  i rationalized that it wouldn't be forever, at some point i would be honest about the situation, we would be together and it would all work out.

emotionally i was completely lost in him.  i had been asked by my closest friends and my family to stop.  fix or figure out your marriage first.  if he is still there afterwards then it was meant to be.  i guffawed and plunged forward.  i thought they were stupid.  they had no idea how dreadful my married life was or how incredible my affair life was.  what made them think they could judge my life without having all the details? details i wasn't willing to share.  i was very selfish during this time.

then came the day i actually crossed the physical line.  i had to drive a fair distance to get to his house.  the entire drive there i kept asking myself are you sure you want to to do this?  i stopped at the grocery store bought a bottle of wine and drank the entire thing, straight from the bottle, in my car still weighing whether this was what i really wanted.  i decided yes. 

then came the next day.  i hid in my closet with the lights out and sobbed.  i had done something i could never take back.  i was hurting people.  my actions were going to hurt more people.  i had consciously started a chain of events that was like an out of control freighter.

a short time later he ended things.  i was devastated.  my whole world was shattered.  i was in the middle of a complicated divorce, i had just been dumped and everything i knew was different.  i couldn't find a silver lining to save my life.  i cried a lot during this time. 

i have always been of the belief that things happen for a reason.  this period of my life is no different.  i was trapped in a marriage with no way out.  i didn't believe that i could make it on my own, that i was worthy of happiness, that i could live my life differently.  then along came a man who awakened a confidence in myself that i had lost.  i want to be really clear that i should have gone about things differently.  i should have been stronger and resisted or at the very least waited until i was divorced.  i "should've" a lot, but i didn't. 

fast forward to today.  part of letting go is admitting that fault.  i was wrong.  some people will choose to think differently about me, and i am prepared for that.  i am not perfect, never claimed to be and honestly i don't even strive to be.  i am me.  beautifully flawed me.