trust your gut...

sometimes seeing someone for who they really are just doesn't work for me...

this was my facebook post this morning.  i giggled when i read that a dear friend, an individual who has encouraged me to continue blogging and a human of immense knowledge and humor commented...i sense a blog post.  my first thought was, am i really that predictable?  oh, who am i kidding?  of course i am.  often times my posts and rants coincide. so here you go the rest of my thought process.

as i get older, we are not just talking years here rather every day, every minute, possibly every second, i learn something new about me or the people i choose to surround myself with.  i don't always like what i learn and that is tough.  instead of crumbling to pieces sulking at my stupidity or idiocy, i trudge forward praying that i am done with that lesson.  i might need a reminder in the future but i don't want to have to relearn it, once is enough.

i have been at an intersection in my relationship, not sure if i should cross the street and plunge forward or stay on my side.  there have been many things that have come up over the last several months that have had me questioning where, if anywhere, we are headed.  what's interesting to me, is that i seem to be the last one to have realized the right choice.  i know i wasn't the kid sitting in the corner with a "dunce" cap, but i swear i feel that way sometimes. 

many times i was asked, "what does your gut say?"  well crap, my gut told me, "don't eat, don't sleep, and be miserable for awhile. see how it goes."  clearly i shouldn't always listen to my gut.  well maybe i should say i should only listen to the see how it goes part.  i don't make rash decisions very often, but the starvation, exhaustion and misery part i could skip. 

so here i sit several months into my relationship.  the once dreamy sunshines and rainbows have faded and we are left with real life.  the masks are off and somehow the gloves are on.  we have had some pretty serious conversations about some important possibly life altering issues.  i haven't liked all the answers.  i haven't liked all the problems.  i haven't liked the feeling in my gut.  my gut right now says, "i am not ready to make a bigger commitment."